Dad's new wife wants older grandchildren to call her grandma

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is your mom still alive and does she go by grandma?

I think this question matters. Whether Ms. Smith is proposing she be an additional Grandma or a replacement Grandma, I think if Grandma name is already being used or was used with your mom, then I understand the older kids could be uncomfortable with that. My family has step-grandparents in the mix but even if we didn't I think each grandparent would use a different name whether it be Grandma, Grammy, GeeGee, Abuela, Mom-Mom, Nana, or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Not exactly the same situation, but FWIW--My paternal grandparents divorced right around the time I was born, and grandpa immediately remarried a woman younger than my mother. I was very close with my grandma, less so (but not distant) from my grandpa. I honestly don't remember how it was in the very early days, but i do remember thinking as I got older how weird it would be to call young new wife "grandma". All I ever remember calling her was "Aunt Larla."

They had a child (my half-uncle, a few years younger than me, who was always very close with his half-brothers, despite the age gap). Now that half-uncle and I both have kids of our own, she asked that we (me and my sibs, and all the grandkids) all call her "Grandma Larla" now. It was an awkward request at first, but honestly as a mom myself now, I can see how it must have been sad to her to be "excluded" in that way from the start. After so many years in the family, I was happy to give her that small thing.

And really, it's polite to call people what they want to be called.

[Anonymous]

I think Mrs. Smith sounds really formal, but maybe call her Miss Larla instead? It's common in the south to call a woman older than you Miss (insert first name.)

[Anonymous]

Calling her "Mrs. Smith" is absolutely ridiculous. They should be at least calling her by her first name b/c I assume that even though they may not have been married long, she's been in the picture a while.

She obviously wants to feel part of the family, and if your dad goes by grand-dad or grandpa, she's trying to keep in the spirit of what he's called but not by the same moniker as your mom. I don't see what would be problematic about calling her "Grandma Larla." OP, please don't let your obvious distaste for this woman dominate.

Please try to compromise and find a mutually agreeable name for her to go by that your kids won't balk at. There are a million:
http://www.grandparents.com/family-and-relationships/grandparent-names/traditional-grandmother-names
http://www.grandparents.com/family-and-relationships/grandparent-names/grandpa-grandma-different-languages

God, calling her "Mrs. Anything" reminds me a uptight MIL of a friend who thought that was appropriate for her new DIL to call her.

[Anonymous]

I think it's important to teach kids that the polite thing to do is to call people what they want to be called. It's pretty rude to let them call her Mrs. Smith -- that kind of polite distance strikes me as actually mean on their part.

I can totally understand if they would rather not call someone other than your mom "Grandma", even a "Grandma Larla" combo. But "Mrs. Smith" is just a slap in the face, and it's downright rude if that's not what she asks to be called.

If you have a polite relationship with her, could you not say something like, "The kids feel awkward calling you Grandma since that is what they call my mom. Could we come up with another special term that you'd be comfortable with? We know you'll have a special role in their lives going forward and I'd love to find a term that we all feel comfortable using."

[Anonymous]

Call her by her first name. Mrs. is very odd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your father's wife has asked the grandchildren to call her Grandma, your father has asked the grandchildren to call her Grandma Larla, and you think that the person/people whose preferences should be honored are the grandchildren? Why?

I do too and I am not OP. I am a mother, stepmother and stepchild. The kids are not using a term that is disrespectful.However, The new wife is asking the kids to use a term that is indicative of a relationship that they have not forged, and never will if she keeps pushing this bulls***. If she does not have enough sense to respect the wishes of the kids, to understand that relationships take time and growth and that the use of the term "grandma" should be organic and not forced...well, then...I don't know what to say except she needs to grow up.

[Anonymous]

I have a stepmother who married my dad when I was an adult. She asked my children to call her Nana, whereas they use Grandma for their two biological grandmas. This works out great for everyone and also implies that they do have a particular, hopefully long term relationship. I feel like this is the clear compromise here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your father's wife has asked the grandchildren to call her Grandma, your father has asked the grandchildren to call her Grandma Larla, and you think that the person/people whose preferences should be honored are the grandchildren? Why?

I do too and I am not OP. I am a mother, stepmother and stepchild. The kids are not using a term that is disrespectful.However, The new wife is asking the kids to use a term that is indicative of a relationship that they have not forged, and never will if she keeps pushing this bulls***. If she does not have enough sense to respect the wishes of the kids, to understand that relationships take time and growth and that the use of the term "grandma" should be organic and not forced...well, then...I don't know what to say except she needs to grow up.

+1. Yes, the grandchildren's preference matters. I am just so sick of divorced and remarried people expecting everyone else to play "big happy family" at their command. Respect is earned.

If she really cared about the children she wouldn't want to force them to use a term they find uncomfortable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not exactly the same situation, but FWIW--My paternal grandparents divorced right around the time I was born, and grandpa immediately remarried a woman younger than my mother. I was very close with my grandma, less so (but not distant) from my grandpa. I honestly don't remember how it was in the very early days, but i do remember thinking as I got older how weird it would be to call young new wife "grandma". All I ever remember calling her was "Aunt Larla."

They had a child (my half-uncle, a few years younger than me, who was always very close with his half-brothers, despite the age gap). Now that half-uncle and I both have kids of our own, she asked that we (me and my sibs, and all the grandkids) all call her "Grandma Larla" now. It was an awkward request at first, but honestly as a mom myself now, I can see how it must have been sad to her to be "excluded" in that way from the start. After so many years in the family, I was happy to give her that small thing.

And really, it's polite to call people what they want to be called.

If I asked you to call me "Mom", would you? That's what I want to be called!

[Anonymous]

Tell her to sign a prenup or postnup and then your kids will call her whatever she wants

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not exactly the same situation, but FWIW--My paternal grandparents divorced right around the time I was born, and grandpa immediately remarried a woman younger than my mother. I was very close with my grandma, less so (but not distant) from my grandpa. I honestly don't remember how it was in the very early days, but i do remember thinking as I got older how weird it would be to call young new wife "grandma". All I ever remember calling her was "Aunt Larla."

They had a child (my half-uncle, a few years younger than me, who was always very close with his half-brothers, despite the age gap). Now that half-uncle and I both have kids of our own, she asked that we (me and my sibs, and all the grandkids) all call her "Grandma Larla" now. It was an awkward request at first, but honestly as a mom myself now, I can see how it must have been sad to her to be "excluded" in that way from the start. After so many years in the family, I was happy to give her that small thing.

And really, it's polite to call people what they want to be called.

If I asked you to call me "Mom", would you? That's what I want to be called!

I go to a diner where I call the short order cook Mom. Everyone else does, so I do too. Had we been formally introduced, I'm sure it would have been "mom". No, I don't think this person is my mom. No, I'm not giving them the love and respect of my mother. It's her nickname. It's what she want to be called. What on earth is the big deal? I also know a Big Poppy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a stepmother who married my dad when I was an adult. She asked my children to call her Nana, whereas they use Grandma for their two biological grandmas. This works out great for everyone and also implies that they do have a particular, hopefully long term relationship. I feel like this is the clear compromise here.

SEE BOLDED ABOVE!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not exactly the same situation, but FWIW--My paternal grandparents divorced right around the time I was born, and grandpa immediately remarried a woman younger than my mother. I was very close with my grandma, less so (but not distant) from my grandpa. I honestly don't remember how it was in the very early days, but i do remember thinking as I got older how weird it would be to call young new wife "grandma". All I ever remember calling her was "Aunt Larla."

They had a child (my half-uncle, a few years younger than me, who was always very close with his half-brothers, despite the age gap). Now that half-uncle and I both have kids of our own, she asked that we (me and my sibs, and all the grandkids) all call her "Grandma Larla" now. It was an awkward request at first, but honestly as a mom myself now, I can see how it must have been sad to her to be "excluded" in that way from the start. After so many years in the family, I was happy to give her that small thing.

And really, it's polite to call people what they want to be called.

If I asked you to call me "Mom", would you? That's what I want to be called!

I go to a diner where I call the short order cook Mom. Everyone else does, so I do too. Had we been formally introduced, I'm sure it would have been "mom". No, I don't think this person is my mom. No, I'm not giving them the love and respect of my mother. It's her nickname. It's what she want to be called. What on earth is the big deal? I also know a Big Poppy.

The big deal is that she's placing her desire for a certain title above the children's feelings, and that is unkind. She wants the title of an important role in the family before she has earned it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not exactly the same situation, but FWIW--My paternal grandparents divorced right around the time I was born, and grandpa immediately remarried a woman younger than my mother. I was very close with my grandma, less so (but not distant) from my grandpa. I honestly don't remember how it was in the very early days, but i do remember thinking as I got older how weird it would be to call young new wife "grandma". All I ever remember calling her was "Aunt Larla."

They had a child (my half-uncle, a few years younger than me, who was always very close with his half-brothers, despite the age gap). Now that half-uncle and I both have kids of our own, she asked that we (me and my sibs, and all the grandkids) all call her "Grandma Larla" now. It was an awkward request at first, but honestly as a mom myself now, I can see how it must have been sad to her to be "excluded" in that way from the start. After so many years in the family, I was happy to give her that small thing.

And really, it's polite to call people what they want to be called.

If I asked you to call me "Mom", would you? That's what I want to be called!

I go to a diner where I call the short order cook Mom. Everyone else does, so I do too. Had we been formally introduced, I'm sure it would have been "mom". No, I don't think this person is my mom. No, I'm not giving them the love and respect of my mother. It's her nickname. It's what she want to be called. What on earth is the big deal? I also know a Big Poppy.

totally different relationships and contexts