Dad's new wife wants older grandchildren to call her grandma

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your father's wife has asked the grandchildren to call her Grandma, your father has asked the grandchildren to call her Grandma Larla, and you think that the person/people whose preferences should be honored are the grandchildren? Why?

This.

You call people what they ask you to call them. If you call them something else, you are picking a fight. In this case, the kids are going out of their way to point out that the new step-grandma is not REALLY a part of their family. They're being little shits and you're letting them do it.

Maybe because they don't like being pushed around by Wife #4. Sorry but there are only so many times you can say "til death do us part" and expect anyone to believe you. She's picking a fight by demanding a title she hasn't earned and disregarding their feelings. She should be satisfied with another nickname, and maybe she can be "grandma" if the marriage survives for a while.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mrs. Smith should be more concerned making friendships with the kids instead of what she is called. Making them call her grandma might make the kids resentful.

This- forcing the issue is likely to backfire. My dad married my stepmom when I was fairly young, he really wanted me to call her mom, but my stepmother got him to back off. She saw that the relationship was the important thing, not the name. On the other hand, he forced my step siblings to call him dad and they resented it. I have a much closer relationship to my stepmother than they do with my dad. Focus on the relationship building, not the names.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mrs. Smith should be more concerned making friendships with the kids instead of what she is called. Making them call her grandma might make the kids resentful.

This- forcing the issue is likely to backfire. My dad married my stepmom when I was fairly young, he really wanted me to call her mom, but my stepmother got him to back off. She saw that the relationship was the important thing, not the name. On the other hand, he forced my step siblings to call him dad and they resented it. I have a much closer relationship to my stepmother than they do with my dad. Focus on the relationship building, not the names.

Yes, yes, yes.

[Anonymous]

^ Yes !!! and "NO!!!" to Grandma
She can't just walk-in and be "Grandma" She isn't.
In time perhaps she'll be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your father's wife has asked the grandchildren to call her Grandma, your father has asked the grandchildren to call her Grandma Larla, and you think that the person/people whose preferences should be honored are the grandchildren? Why?

Because she's not their grandmother and maybe she will feel like that in time but you can force love/respect???

Love, no, but of course parents can force their kids to be respectful.

It is disrespectful to call someone something other than what they ask to be called. For example, if my child went to school and decided he didn't respect his teacher and called her "Larla" instead of her last name, then there would be consequences severe enough to essentially force him to comply. If my teenager decided he didn't respect me and wanted to call me "woman", same thing would happen. If your kid was bullying some kid on the playground by calling them a silly nickname rather than their name, I'd hope you'd intervene. In this case, I can see a case for having a conversation in which you respectfully ask her to make a less loaded choice, but in the end it should be Larla's choice as to what she's called.

I'll also say that I have trouble believing that 15 different grandchildren, some as young as 6, came to the exact same conclusion about what she should be called. My guess is that some adult(s) (you and your siblings) are manipulating them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your father's wife has asked the grandchildren to call her Grandma, your father has asked the grandchildren to call her Grandma Larla, and you think that the person/people whose preferences should be honored are the grandchildren? Why?

Because she's not their grandmother and maybe she will feel like that in time but you can force love/respect???

Love, no, but of course parents can force their kids to be respectful.

It is disrespectful to call someone something other than what they ask to be called. For example, if my child went to school and decided he didn't respect his teacher and called her "Larla" instead of her last name, then there would be consequences severe enough to essentially force him to comply. If my teenager decided he didn't respect me and wanted to call me "woman", same thing would happen. If your kid was bullying some kid on the playground by calling them a silly nickname rather than their name, I'd hope you'd intervene. In this case, I can see a case for having a conversation in which you respectfully ask her to make a less loaded choice, but in the end it should be Larla's choice as to what she's called.

I'll also say that I have trouble believing that 15 different grandchildren, some as young as 6, came to the exact same conclusion about what she should be called. My guess is that some adult(s) (you and your siblings) are manipulating them.

"Teacher" is a completely legitimate title on the first day of school! She is the teacher. This woman is NOT their grandmother. She's their grandfather's fourth wife and they barely know her at all. It's a bonus if they choose to call her "Grandma" eventually, but not something she should take for granted. Forcing will backfire. What is she going to do, put them in time out every time they don't do it?

Why does this woman want to force small children to do something that makes them uncomfortable?

[Anonymous]

Op, the new wife is showing that she is concerned with the wrong thing. She's concerned with image, how things appear, not the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, the new wife is showing that she is concerned with the wrong thing. She's concerned with image, how things appear, not the relationship.

Of course she is. She's insecure, that she'll go the way of the other 3 wives, and by forcing this she thinks she's giving herself some permanency.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your father's wife has asked the grandchildren to call her Grandma, your father has asked the grandchildren to call her Grandma Larla, and you think that the person/people whose preferences should be honored are the grandchildren? Why?

This.

You call people what they ask you to call them. If you call them something else, you are picking a fight. In this case, the kids are going out of their way to point out that the new step-grandma is not REALLY a part of their family. They're being little shits and you're letting them do it.

Okay so when your husband's next wife insists your kids call her mom, your going to be okay with this because it's what she wants to be called , right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mrs. Smith is far more polite and welcoming than calling her

Four.

How about Ivy. IV, get it?

Lol. I like this.

[Anonymous]

You call people what they want to be called to the extent that the name indicates formality (or lack thereof).

"Please, call me Larla" is fine.
"You know, I would be more comfortable if you called me Ms. Hatfield and I called you Mrs. McCoy" is fine.

You don't get to insist on names that indicate feelings:
"That's 'Maestro' to you."
"No, I want to be called Grandma."
"I think you meant 'Won-Won,' didn't you?"

I think it's reversed if someone feels more warmth than you might expect. If OP's children wanted to call her "Grandma," I'd think it was mean for her to insist, "I want you to call me 'Mrs. Smith,'" because it's telling them you don't like them as much as they like you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your father's wife has asked the grandchildren to call her Grandma, your father has asked the grandchildren to call her Grandma Larla, and you think that the person/people whose preferences should be honored are the grandchildren? Why?

This.

You call people what they ask you to call them. If you call them something else, you are picking a fight. In this case, the kids are going out of their way to point out that the new step-grandma is not REALLY a part of their family. They're being little shits and you're letting them do it.

She isn't. No one has to point it out, it's obvious. She's not their grandma.

[Anonymous]

I have stepgrandchildren. Their parents asked me what I wanted them to call me and I said that I was fine with whatever they felt comfortable with. One child came up with "Oma" (which is commonly used in some cultures, although not in our family) and it stuck. I like it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have stepgrandchildren. Their parents asked me what I wanted them to call me and I said that I was fine with whatever they felt comfortable with. One child came up with "Oma" (which is commonly used in some cultures, although not in our family) and it stuck. I like it.

That's because you are a reasonable and emotionally healthy adult. If only all step ( insert relation) where like you.

[Anonymous]

"Mrs. Smith" is way too formal.

Maybe they kids could call her "That old bitch who sucks grandpa's cock now."