Dad's new wife wants older grandchildren to call her grandma

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here -- wow, thank you for all of the responses!

Some clarifications: The children are not being bratty, they refer to most adults as Mrs./Mrs. Smith. They did not know my dad's wife prior to their marriage, it was a rather sudden marriage, but we are all happy that my dad is happy. This is my dad's 4th marriage, which is why I think the grandchildren have some pause and are being a tad familiar. The adults are not backing the children up, but rather are looking for a compromise which is why I posted to ask for suggestions and advice. Thank you to those who took the time to respond.

If this is grandpa's 4th marriage, no way should the kids call her grandma. Mrs. Smith shows respect and is perfectly acceptable.

[Anonymous]

Mrs. Smith is far more polite and welcoming than calling her

Four.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's important to teach kids that the polite thing to do is to call people what they want to be called. It's pretty rude to let them call her Mrs. Smith -- that kind of polite distance strikes me as actually mean on their part.

I can totally understand if they would rather not call someone other than your mom "Grandma", even a "Grandma Larla" combo. But "Mrs. Smith" is just a slap in the face, and it's downright rude if that's not what she asks to be called.

If you have a polite relationship with her, could you not say something like, "The kids feel awkward calling you Grandma since that is what they call my mom. Could we come up with another special term that you'd be comfortable with? We know you'll have a special role in their lives going forward and I'd love to find a term that we all feel comfortable using."

This is the correct answer.

[Anonymous]

The 4th wife/step grandmother has high expectations.

[Anonymous]

Fourth wife from a Vegas like quickie wedding?

Mrs. Fourth Wife is perfectly respectable and acceptable.

She is a shrew for insisting upon grandma given this circumstance. Watch out for this one OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mrs. Smith is far more polite and welcoming than calling her

Four.

How about Ivy. IV, get it?

[Anonymous]

Oh hell no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find this to be an odd line for children, especially all of the grandchildren, to draw, and it makes me wonder what the broader family dynamics are that are causing the children to feel they need to keep her so firmly at arm's length. Have you and your siblings embraced her as a part of the family?

My father-in-law recently remarried, and she is Nana to all of the grandkids. It was no big deal for anyone, it was presented simply as Grandpa and Miss Larla (which is what the kids called her before the marriage) were getting married, she was joining our family and now they got to have another grandparent and how about we call her Nana now. It was completely drama-free.

Hurray! Drama-free is an unheard of oasis on DCUM!

(I'm not being facetious in any way.)

Thank you for a positive post, PP!

[Anonymous]

Thought this was an interesting post, as DH grew up as an older child who's grandfather remarried after the passing of his first wife. DH and the older cousins call her mrs. Larla and the younger cousins call her Nana. Each grandchild chose what they felt comfortable calling her and she never requested a title. At our wedding, she was listed as one of the grandmothers and received the same grandmother flowers as my two grandmothers. I think it's ridiculous that your dad and his wife have put this demand on the children in your family. Mrs. Larla is the title for respect. Grandma is earned.

[Anonymous]

Our family had the same situation. Our solution - we started our using her first name (Mrs. whatever is too formal) then called her "grandma whatever" when speaking about her to others and it stuck. She is the BEST "Grandma _____ " to this very day and better to all of us than our "real" Grandma.

[Anonymous]

And really, it's polite to call people what they want to be called.


If I asked you to call me "Mom", would you? That's what I want to be called!

I want to be called 'Lover'!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The wife of grandfather is grandmother. Just like the wife of uncle is aunty. Now, she is not asking to be called "Favorite relative". She is asking to be called the name of her relationship by marriage.

I am with the grandmother on this one.

I'm a stepmother and would never ask the kids to call me any form of Mom. They've got a mom. I don't see how a step-grandmother is any different.

It feels too forced. Especially if they called her Mrs. Smith when they first met. My uncle married a woman when I was 25 and she's the only aunt I have who I call by her first name only. Mary. I love her to death now after 25 years, but I still address cards to Dear Uncle John and Mary.

[Anonymous]

My grandmother died before I was born, lots of grandkids. My grandfather remarried, and the older cousins had been very close to grandmother, so they called his new wife Aunt _____, and all the younger cousins followed suit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your father's wife has asked the grandchildren to call her Grandma, your father has asked the grandchildren to call her Grandma Larla, and you think that the person/people whose preferences should be honored are the grandchildren? Why?

This.

You call people what they ask you to call them. If you call them something else, you are picking a fight. In this case, the kids are going out of their way to point out that the new step-grandma is not REALLY a part of their family. They're being little shits and you're letting them do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

And really, it's polite to call people what they want to be called.


If I asked you to call me "Mom", would you? That's what I want to be called!

I want to be called 'Lover'!

Okay.