Advice for a FTM who is the main breadwinner
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Anonymous
Well, your husband's stance is wrong. I think there must be something else going on here where your husband is willing to be separated from his family. So...you'll be paying rent/mortgage in the new place (plus the rent for your husband), you'll be paying for daycare for your child and being the sole caregiver, you'll be handling all of the moving by yourself, and your husband will presumably be looking for a new job while working full time? This is beyond ridiculous. I would take the higher paying job and refuse to pay for any of husband's expenses. The writing may be on the wall here, and you need to protect your future and your career. |
Anonymous
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It is additional expense. But then my fallback is to take a significantly lesser paying job here in the area and lose the other job offer I already have.
I like the idea of a time limit. What do you think is a fair time limit to press on? |
Anonymous
| Well his question to me is what will happen to him if he follows me without a job, is unable to get a job, and we don't work out? Maybe writing on the wall, but I still like to think we're just being practical... |
Anonymous
Yes, it is definitely a more depressed economy than DC, so I can understand his hesitation. Not close enough for every weekend. Once a month is more likely. Need to take a 2h plane ride. |
Anonymous
| Do you have any family in the option A or B locations? Having grandparents help out has made things much easier for us. |
Anonymous
How much exactly does he make right now? If he's making less than $60k/year, it still makes more sense for him to quit his job and move with you, even if he doesn't find another job for 1-2 years. Your career will be on the upward trajectory and you'll be making a lot more money as a couple. You will save on daycare expenses if your husband is able to watch the kid during his job search, so your family can bank more money. The idea is to do what is best for your family as a whole, and it seems like you taking this other job is best for your family, even if your husband can't find another job. Unless your new job is in Alaska or something I can't imagine that your husband won't be able to find something. |
Anonymous
I understand why your husband feels strongly about wanting to have a job before he moves but agree with others that it is MUCH easier to find a job if you are local and when you are not currently employed so he is more likely to find a job wherever you move if he moves with you and leaves his current job. I think if it were me, I would absolutely not move in advance of my husband in your situation because it could be months or even longer before he finds a job where you move to so you may be a single working parent for a long time. |
Anonymous
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No families in either locations.
It's not alaska, try arkansas |
Anonymous
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so it's interesting you refer to the debt your husband has as his debt and say that you don't have any debt. if my husband had 200K of debt, I'd consider that my debt as well and it would be our joint responsibility to pay it off since we share our finances. also, as other posters point out, if you move and your husband stays, you'll double your living expenses, plus your kid will be in daycare and you have the cost of moving to consider as well...are all those things really worth the $$ that your husband is earning in his current job?
Is the place you are considering moving to really in Arkansas? If so, I'd reconsider. And I am saying this as someone who grew up 15 minutes from the Arkansas border in TN. It is not just the economy that is depressed there... |
Anonymous
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Yes it is Arkansas. Do share...
He makes 50k. Almost all his salary goes to loan repayment. We do not share finances other than filing our tax together. I pay for most of the expenses--rent, medical bills, grocery, etc. He pays for cellphone and gas and helps out with grocery runs too. I think I am already helping him pay for his loans by assuming the other big expenses. If he were to be a SAHD, of course I will pay his monthly till he finds a job. |
Anonymous
Well, actually I was probably being too harsh. Little Rock is not that bad, Hot Springs and Eureka Springs are pretty little towns (actually a lot of the state is pretty, with the Ozark Mountains, etc.), Fayetteville's got the university so it's not terrible. I shouldn't speak so poorly of Arkansas as it is the land of my ancestors  . It's just very...different than D.C. (but I'm sure you already know that). Pace of life is a lot slower, there's not going to be a ton of stuff to do, the schools won't be as good, you will probably encounter more backwards/racist/ignorant ways of thinking but that is highly variable and can be found anywhere you live, even in D.C. area, to be honest.
So it's not the most terrible place in the world. But if you like D.C. or the East Coast in general, moving to Arkansas will be quite a culture shock. I see how you guys divvy up your $$. Just different than what my husband and I do...we share everything and there is no 'you pay for this, I pay for that' in our relationship but everyone is different and that works for you (right?) He does have a LOT of $$ in loans so I'm sure part of his hesitation in moving without a job is just feeling some anxiety about all his debt, which makes sense. But it might make better financial sense if he just moved w/ you so you're not paying rent/mortgage in 2 places. Cost of living is so much lower in Arkansas! GOod luck whatever you decide to do |
Anonymous
I'm curious how you even came to have this arrangement. Of course you are subsidizing him! How did he accumulate that much student debt without any earning potential? Most people with that kind of debt are doctors or lawyers. I'm sorry, but I see divorce in your future if your husband doesn't start contributing more or being more supportive of you? How will that debt ever be paid? |
Anonymous
that is quite crazy to have that much student debt and a job that only pays 50K...what field is he in ??? |
Anonymous
Oy. If you have a job offer for $200k in another (less expensive) location, it's hard to justify staying here with the prospect of $150k. And it's troubling that you say it is "lucky" he has this job, which suggests he's never going to do any better than that. This is a tough one, since he doesn't want to stay home with the kids. None of your options are very good. I guess I would choose option (c) - keep up the job search, and look for something in a location that is more palatable to him. Maybe look for something in Baltimore or Annapolis, where he can continue to commute to DC. |
Anonymous
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He's made some unwise decisions about his education waaaay before we met each other. Expensive school. Tried law school. Went for a second degree. Believe me, there's not a day that that debt does not loom over our heads. I did marry him knowing he had this debt. And he married me knowing I definitely wanted kids...Lol! He is a wonderful man and great with our child.
The arrangement is tough, and believe me, I feel the pressure. But we are trying to make the best of the situation. |