Advice for a FTM who is the main breadwinner

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Basically, your DH wants to give up nothing, and wants you to give up a lot?

I have this marriage. 4 years later and we are separating. Some people never grow up b

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should stay in DC. Maybe I am being a snob, but Ak sounds awful and DC, while expensive, has a lot to offer. And $150,000 a year is hardly poor (even with the debt).

So where can OP buy a nice home making 150k? Vs going somewhere where she can afford a great home.

My BF bought a $450K brand new house in Haymarket on her $90K salary last year (her DH is a SAHD). They live very comfortably. Granted, they do not have $200K in debt. I would not buy a house if I had that much in student loans.

Unless they put $180k down, they are not comfortable. They are teetering on financial ruin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read past the first 3 pages but if you do separate for this job, then you should make it clear that he is on his own for his own expenses. You will NOT subsidize his rent, pay his food, etc….

+1,000

OP 200k jobs in lower col areas do not exactly grow on trees.

[Anonymous]

The field is in healthcare and management. Thank you for your thoughts. There are direct flights DC to Little Rock.

[Anonymous]

Also have a 6 mo old and husband makes less than I do. I am going with option A for now. I'm trusting that I can change jobs in the future. I think the best answer depends on whether choosing option A is going to limit your future prospects.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I was the breadwinner, husband's job only covered his student loans. We moved to the lower COL area (my family was also there). My husband was a SAHD for a few months while he job-searched. He found a job that covers his student loans, but now it looks like he will likely get a much better one soon. You should take the job, and your husband agrees he will move in six months, job or no job. He will find a job in your new city eventually, particularly if he only needs to make 50K.

+1 He will eventually find a job, even if it isn't perfect. But, it's going to be much harder to find a job from out-of-state when you are looking in his salary range. There is more competition for those jobs so why should a local employer hassle with dealing with someone relocating. There may also be some perception that this person from DC won't "fit" here. Why take the risk when there sufficient local candidates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The field is in healthcare and management. Thank you for your thoughts. There are direct flights DC to Little Rock.

There are hospitals and doctors offices everywhere. There is no reason to expect that he can't find a job in Little Rock. But, he'll be more successful w/ his search if he's already living in the city.

[Anonymous]

You need to think about this from the perspective of your child, a child is best off with the parents together. That would be Option B. Even better would be Option A but with your husband moving with you and your child at the same time. He would be a SAHD until he found a job in the new area.

[Anonymous]

What did you decided OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP--> I will be bringing the child with me. Plan is daycare and bring work at home at night. I guess I am just really worried about raising a child in this area at 100k per year, with no promise of increasing significantly. This area is just really tough and expensive.

Do option B. No real reason to live here if your salary will double outside!!!!! I frequent the real estate forums because I'm trying to buy. $800k budget gets you shockingly litlte if you want good schools. Go to that forum to get a sense. Our hhi is $200k and I feel just middle class. I understand the stress of being the main breadwinner but it could be temporary for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dh is somewhat similar. I have always made more money than he does. However, in your situation, you have a lot of things to consider. For many years, I wanted to leave this area as well. My skills are employable pretty much anywhere; however, my dh's skills are local to DC - political, lobbyist, Congress that sort of thing. In fact, he was laid off work 6 years ago and did have to SAH for 6 years while he looked for work. Sometimes he looked less than others, but he finally landed a job a short time ago. It pays less than $50, but it has done so much for his self esteem and happiness. He was not happy being a SAHD - lonely, depressed, isolated, low self esteem, you name it. Talked about suicide sometimes more than others.

I just want to put that perspective out there. I think our financial situation would be better if we had moved out of DC, but my dh's mental state would be much worse.

If your dh has a good reliable job, and there is very little prospect for meaningful employment for him where you are moving, then you do have to consider his side of the story.

I am very much against splitting a family up. You may never get back together and maybe potentially throwing your dh away.

Agree with this pp. Mental health is so important. People foreseeing and even advocating divorce when there's a 6 month old are NUTS and highly opportunist. Vows were for better or worse...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's made some unwise decisions about his education waaaay before we met each other. Expensive school. Tried law school. Went for a second degree. Believe me, there's not a day that that debt does not loom over our heads. I did marry him knowing he had this debt. And he married me knowing I definitely wanted kids...Lol! He is a wonderful man and great with our child.

The arrangement is tough, and believe me, I feel the pressure. But we are trying to make the best of the situation.

I wish I had The courage to quit law school after my first year instead of getting the degree which I don't use. I would have so much less debt. My salary ten years out is still $65k. I even went to an ivy law school. Back then tuition rates were high but $30k. This year they charge $65k just for tuition!!!! I can see how one ends up with $200k debt.

[Anonymous]

Man does not last long in celibacy
it will be the end of your marriage if you separate now. Your kid is too small for you to be apart
Life will always have money worries. Live for the moment

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take the higher-paying job and agree to pay for his rent, etc. for 6 months in DC. After that, he needs to either move to be with you and share childcare burden or he needs to deal with his expenses on his own. If he still won't move, then you file for divorce because he will likely continue to rack up debt trying to pay off loans on a low salary.

+1. Brilliant.

[Anonymous]

Op-- considering staying in dc for a year