Advice for a FTM who is the main breadwinner

[Anonymous]

Hi everyone. I am posting here because I would like the advice of veteran parents--SAHM, working moms, dads, etc.

I am a FTM to a 6 month old DS. I have no student loans and I am the main breadwinner of the family.

My husband has 200k student loans, earns significantly less than me but does not want to be a stay at home dad because he would have extreme difficulty to rejoin the workforce.

We have been trying for over a year now to relocate (because of how expensive the area is) but have been unable to do so because he has not found a job.

We both enjoy our family life together.

OPTION A-->If I stayed in the area, I would take on a 100k job with modest time commitments but no real career growth potential.

OPTION B-->If I left the area, I can bank almost double that at least, with higher time commitments, but would be doing so as a single mom....at least until my husband joins me.

My current job is ending in the beginning of June. My husband is supportive of whatever choice I make--he says we will make it work. I am feeling ridiculously scared with both scenarios.

[Anonymous]

Take Option A and look for something better and where your husband is able to join you. What would happen to the child with Option B? Would you take it with you and get a nanny, or would husband keep it while you started work?

[Anonymous]

Your husband needs to do whatever the hell he can to increase his earnings. Having 200k loans hanging over you is outrageous. You should double your income.

[Anonymous]

DH retired from his 22 year career in Law Enforcement when DD was three and I became the main breadwinner and he returned to a six year graduate school program.

We follow my career path. I would take the better position for you, OP, and move without him for the time being if it is a place you both agree will be best for your family in the long run.

[Anonymous]

OP--> I will be bringing the child with me. Plan is daycare and bring work at home at night. I guess I am just really worried about raising a child in this area at 100k per year, with no promise of increasing significantly. This area is just really tough and expensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take Option A and look for something better and where your husband is able to join you. What would happen to the child with Option B? Would you take it with you and get a nanny, or would husband keep it while you started work?

I'm the PP who wrote this. Thinking about this more, who knows if your husband will ever find a job that is higher paying or enough to repay his loans. I would say take the best job you can get and let the chips fall where they may for your husband. He can find a job wherever it is that you move to.

[Anonymous]

If the goal is for your DH to join you eventually and he doesn't earn much now, why not option B with him moving with you and doing a job search full-time? I speak from a lot of experience that it's much easier to do a job search when you're local. And it's very difficult to do a job search if you are also working full time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the goal is for your DH to join you eventually and he doesn't earn much now, why not option B with him moving with you and doing a job search full-time? I speak from a lot of experience that it's much easier to do a job search when you're local. And it's very difficult to do a job search if you are also working full time.

+1

[Anonymous]

Thanks. Husband is reluctant to leave the job he has here without the certainty of another job. I can understand that it is tough to explain a gap in employment, and in a way, he really is lucky to have this job. I am torn between keeping the family together and striving for financial security. I cannot discount how much help my husband gives me in caring for our child, and though I know I can do it, I just wonder if stressing myself as a single mom is worth that financial security.

[Anonymous]

Hmm seems like other stuff is going in your relationship. What happens if you move and he does not find a job?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks. Husband is reluctant to leave the job he has here without the certainty of another job. I can understand that it is tough to explain a gap in employment, and in a way, he really is lucky to have this job. I am torn between keeping the family together and striving for financial security. I cannot discount how much help my husband gives me in caring for our child, and though I know I can do it, I just wonder if stressing myself as a single mom is worth that financial security.

This is stupid. There will be no "toughness" in explaining a gap in employment. The explanation is that your family relocated to a new area because of your job change. There is NO BETTER explanation than that. If he quits his job and moves with you, he will be there to help you and the baby. PLUS he will have an advantage in looking for a job in your new area. He will be local. He will have good references from his former job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the goal is for your DH to join you eventually and he doesn't earn much now, why not option B with him moving with you and doing a job search full-time? I speak from a lot of experience that it's much easier to do a job search when you're local. And it's very difficult to do a job search if you are also working full time.

+1

It's pretty easy to explain. "We moved because of a great job opportunity for my wife." I don't think any potential employer will think that is weird.

[Anonymous]

OP-->Right now, husband's stance is that he cannot move without a job. So if I move, then we will wait until he can find a job. I do ask the question--> well, what if he can't find a job? Thus my dilemma. I am really quite independent but having a kid is an all-together different scenario. I guess I should also mention that I will potentially be moving to a place where I do not have any friends or family to begin with.

[Anonymous]

If you move and your DH stays behind, then you need 2 homes/ apts. Won't that eat up any additional money? Perhaps there is a happy medium--you move to another location and set a time limit for him to follow you. You both need to agree on that time limit. It might be easier for him to find a job in the new location once you have settled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP-->Right now, husband's stance is that he cannot move without a job. So if I move, then we will wait until he can find a job. I do ask the question--> well, what if he can't find a job? Thus my dilemma. I am really quite independent but having a kid is an all-together different scenario. I guess I should also mention that I will potentially be moving to a place where I do not have any friends or family to begin with.

Where are you moving to, OP? That really matters. If you are moving to a depressed economy then your husband may never find a good job there. Also how far away is it? Close enough for DH to visit every weekend? Also remember that you will be paying double household expenses.