Advice for a FTM who is the main breadwinner

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the goal is for your DH to join you eventually and he doesn't earn much now, why not option B with him moving with you and doing a job search full-time? I speak from a lot of experience that it's much easier to do a job search when you're local. And it's very difficult to do a job search if you are also working full time.

+1

+2

He's the trailing spouse--he earns less than you, he has the debt, you're taking on a more stressful job for the good for the family. He gets to come too. While you lose his income for awhile, it will be easier for him to find a job locally, and there's no need for you to pay for maintaining new households.

If you and he are ready to commit to moving, commit to moving. Especially if you know in advance where you're heading...time for DH to put as much energy into job hunting and research of jobs in that general area as it sounds like you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes it is Arkansas. Do share...

He makes 50k. Almost all his salary goes to loan repayment. We do not share finances other than filing our tax together. I pay for most of the expenses--rent, medical bills, grocery, etc. He pays for cellphone and gas and helps out with grocery runs too. I think I am already helping him pay for his loans by assuming the other big expenses. If he were to be a SAHD, of course I will pay his monthly till he finds a job.

I'm curious how you even came to have this arrangement. Of course you are subsidizing him! How did he accumulate that much student debt without any earning potential? Most people with that kind of debt are doctors or lawyers. I'm sorry, but I see divorce in your future if your husband doesn't start contributing more or being more supportive of you? How will that debt ever be paid?

that is quite crazy to have that much student debt and a job that only pays 50K...what field is he in ???

Political science...lol!

[Anonymous]

Take the higher-paying job and agree to pay for his rent, etc. for 6 months in DC. After that, he needs to either move to be with you and share childcare burden or he needs to deal with his expenses on his own. If he still won't move, then you file for divorce because he will likely continue to rack up debt trying to pay off loans on a low salary.

[Anonymous]

My dh is somewhat similar. I have always made more money than he does. However, in your situation, you have a lot of things to consider. For many years, I wanted to leave this area as well. My skills are employable pretty much anywhere; however, my dh's skills are local to DC - political, lobbyist, Congress that sort of thing. In fact, he was laid off work 6 years ago and did have to SAH for 6 years while he looked for work. Sometimes he looked less than others, but he finally landed a job a short time ago. It pays less than $50, but it has done so much for his self esteem and happiness. He was not happy being a SAHD - lonely, depressed, isolated, low self esteem, you name it. Talked about suicide sometimes more than others.

I just want to put that perspective out there. I think our financial situation would be better if we had moved out of DC, but my dh's mental state would be much worse.

If your dh has a good reliable job, and there is very little prospect for meaningful employment for him where you are moving, then you do have to consider his side of the story.

I am very much against splitting a family up. You may never get back together and maybe potentially throwing your dh away.

[Anonymous]

And I might add also--He IS supportive. He just finds it hard to leave a job. Our problem is I find it hard to have my high earning job here, and this is where he has the best chance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take the higher-paying job and agree to pay for his rent, etc. for 6 months in DC. After that, he needs to either move to be with you and share childcare burden or he needs to deal with his expenses on his own. If he still won't move, then you file for divorce because he will likely continue to rack up debt trying to pay off loans on a low salary.

Want to add that I don't think it's fair to demand he be a SAHD in the new state, but even if all he does is half-assedly job hunt all day, you can still save a lot if he covers childcare when DC is sick, runs some basic errands like grocery shopping, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes it is Arkansas. Do share...

He makes 50k. Almost all his salary goes to loan repayment. We do not share finances other than filing our tax together. I pay for most of the expenses--rent, medical bills, grocery, etc. He pays for cellphone and gas and helps out with grocery runs too. I think I am already helping him pay for his loans by assuming the other big expenses. If he were to be a SAHD, of course I will pay his monthly till he finds a job.

I'm curious how you even came to have this arrangement. Of course you are subsidizing him! How did he accumulate that much student debt without any earning potential? Most people with that kind of debt are doctors or lawyers. I'm sorry, but I see divorce in your future if your husband doesn't start contributing more or being more supportive of you? How will that debt ever be paid?

that is quite crazy to have that much student debt and a job that only pays 50K...what field is he in ???

Political science...lol!

He sounds like a staffer on the Hill. I can see why he wouldn't want to leave his job.

[Anonymous]

$200 debt for a top notch education at a well-known school is not unheard of, OP. If I could have gotten into Harvard, I would be gladly shouldering that debt right now.

That said - are you sure about Arkansas?! OMG - I was thinking Madison or Savannah as out-of-the way with better COL! Considering the COL in Arkansas, you could buy the Governor's Mansion for what you would pay for a one-bedroom condo here but what a life to give up for a cheaper COL.

Think hard on this one. You could both be stuck in Arkansas with crappy jobs and bad schools.

Try finding a job in an area where you would all be happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take the higher-paying job and agree to pay for his rent, etc. for 6 months in DC. After that, he needs to either move to be with you and share childcare burden or he needs to deal with his expenses on his own. If he still won't move, then you file for divorce because he will likely continue to rack up debt trying to pay off loans on a low salary.

Want to add that I don't think it's fair to demand he be a SAHD in the new state, but even if all he does is half-assedly job hunt all day, you can still save a lot if he covers childcare when DC is sick, runs some basic errands like grocery shopping, etc.

You don't know what you're talking about. I'm the one with the dh who was unemployed for 6 years. Having someone at home who is unhappy and feels little self worth is miserable for the entire family. Don't do it. It sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dh is somewhat similar. I have always made more money than he does. However, in your situation, you have a lot of things to consider. For many years, I wanted to leave this area as well. My skills are employable pretty much anywhere; however, my dh's skills are local to DC - political, lobbyist, Congress that sort of thing. In fact, he was laid off work 6 years ago and did have to SAH for 6 years while he looked for work. Sometimes he looked less than others, but he finally landed a job a short time ago. It pays less than $50, but it has done so much for his self esteem and happiness. He was not happy being a SAHD - lonely, depressed, isolated, low self esteem, you name it. Talked about suicide sometimes more than others.

I just want to put that perspective out there. I think our financial situation would be better if we had moved out of DC, but my dh's mental state would be much worse.

If your dh has a good reliable job, and there is very little prospect for meaningful employment for him where you are moving, then you do have to consider his side of the story.

I am very much against splitting a family up. You may never get back together and maybe potentially throwing your dh away.

OP here. I have taken this perspective, and I know being employed is a source of pride for him. That's why I hesitate making him move with me. But I am very scared raising a child on 100k a year in this area. And at this rate, there's no way I will be able to afford a second child. And it's not as if I am getting any younger...LOL...I know..i know...don't worry i'm not jumping the gun. It's just amazing how many things need to be considered. The inputs have been valuable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:$200 debt for a top notch education at a well-known school is not unheard of, OP. If I could have gotten into Harvard, I would be gladly shouldering that debt right now.

That said - are you sure about Arkansas?! OMG - I was thinking Madison or Savannah as out-of-the way with better COL! Considering the COL in Arkansas, you could buy the Governor's Mansion for what you would pay for a one-bedroom condo here but what a life to give up for a cheaper COL.

Think hard on this one. You could both be stuck in Arkansas with crappy jobs and bad schools.

Try finding a job in an area where you would all be happy.

+1!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dh is somewhat similar. I have always made more money than he does. However, in your situation, you have a lot of things to consider. For many years, I wanted to leave this area as well. My skills are employable pretty much anywhere; however, my dh's skills are local to DC - political, lobbyist, Congress that sort of thing. In fact, he was laid off work 6 years ago and did have to SAH for 6 years while he looked for work. Sometimes he looked less than others, but he finally landed a job a short time ago. It pays less than $50, but it has done so much for his self esteem and happiness. He was not happy being a SAHD - lonely, depressed, isolated, low self esteem, you name it. Talked about suicide sometimes more than others.

I just want to put that perspective out there. I think our financial situation would be better if we had moved out of DC, but my dh's mental state would be much worse.

If your dh has a good reliable job, and there is very little prospect for meaningful employment for him where you are moving, then you do have to consider his side of the story.

I am very much against splitting a family up. You may never get back together and maybe potentially throwing your dh away.

OP here. I have taken this perspective, and I know being employed is a source of pride for him. That's why I hesitate making him move with me. But I am very scared raising a child on 100k a year in this area. And at this rate, there's no way I will be able to afford a second child. And it's not as if I am getting any younger...LOL...I know..i know...don't worry i'm not jumping the gun. It's just amazing how many things need to be considered. The inputs have been valuable.

Isn't it $100k for you and $50k for him? That's what we did. Yes, it's tough, but we are doing it.

[Anonymous]

Did you have the 200k debt too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well his question to me is what will happen to him if he follows me without a job, is unable to get a job, and we don't work out? Maybe writing on the wall, but I still like to think we're just being practical...

This literally made my eyes go wide when I read it.

I can't imagine thinking like this. This is your husband and the father of your child. He's making decisions based on the idea that it might not work out???

You are the breadwinner and the priority is keeping the family together. He moves for your job and he looks for another job full-time.

His ego is your stumbling block. Period. Everyone has an ego, but he needs to figure out how to get over his and make the decision that is best for your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dh is somewhat similar. I have always made more money than he does. However, in your situation, you have a lot of things to consider. For many years, I wanted to leave this area as well. My skills are employable pretty much anywhere; however, my dh's skills are local to DC - political, lobbyist, Congress that sort of thing. In fact, he was laid off work 6 years ago and did have to SAH for 6 years while he looked for work. Sometimes he looked less than others, but he finally landed a job a short time ago. It pays less than $50, but it has done so much for his self esteem and happiness. He was not happy being a SAHD - lonely, depressed, isolated, low self esteem, you name it. Talked about suicide sometimes more than others.

I just want to put that perspective out there. I think our financial situation would be better if we had moved out of DC, but my dh's mental state would be much worse.

If your dh has a good reliable job, and there is very little prospect for meaningful employment for him where you are moving, then you do have to consider his side of the story.

I am very much against splitting a family up. You may never get back together and maybe potentially throwing your dh away.

OP here. I have taken this perspective, and I know being employed is a source of pride for him. That's why I hesitate making him move with me. But I am very scared raising a child on 100k a year in this area. And at this rate, there's no way I will be able to afford a second child. And it's not as if I am getting any younger...LOL...I know..i know...don't worry i'm not jumping the gun. It's just amazing how many things need to be considered. The inputs have been valuable.

Isn't it $100k for you and $50k for him? That's what we did. Yes, it's tough, but we are doing it.

Did you do it with 200k in student loans?