Advice for a FTM who is the main breadwinner

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a breadwinner making 100Kish in this area, what makes it possible is my DH SAH so there are no childcare expenses. He hasn't made great financial decisions either, but the decision to raise his kid for the benefit of the family was not a hard one. Your husband sounds very oddly rigid and insecure and I don't envy you the spot you're in with him. I like the idea of a 6 month ultimatum. He has a kid now and has to change something. His earning potential, his attutide towards work...

The childcare expense is a big factor why I am second guessing my lean to stay in the area. It really is expensive. I knew this before I was pregnant, but it is just so much more real now that I write that check every week. If I take the job here, I computed that after the big expenses, I'd have about 700 usd a month to use for savings/emergency/clothing/vacation/leisure, etc. And this is with us RENTING. Say nothing of not being able to start a college savings plan. And if anybody is curious, we already have no cable, we have a very modest lifestyle, use the public library, etc.

pp here. it is rough financially. We rent and have no college plan yet too. That it is temporary makes it bearable. Also, the un-quantifiable benefits to DH of getting to be right there when his kids grow up helps balance out the financial costs. We get the full "marriage bonus" tax-wise, according to this chart you guys get the penalty (http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2015/04/16/upshot/marriage-penalty-couples-income.html?_r=0). In DH SAHDs are probably more common than anywhere else in America. That helps my DH also, he has a great community of, to put it bluntly, non-loser role models.

Also, he's not worried about re-entering the workforce because he is the kind of guy who can always make deals and start something up (he's had successful small businesses in real estate, IT services, etc). So he just sees this as a phase and when the kids get to school he'll do the next thing. Your DH does not seem to have that sort of faith in his own ability to find or make work.

[Anonymous]

OP, I was the breadwinner, husband's job only covered his student loans. We moved to the lower COL area (my family was also there). My husband was a SAHD for a few months while he job-searched. He found a job that covers his student loans, but now it looks like he will likely get a much better one soon. You should take the job, and your husband agrees he will move in six months, job or no job. He will find a job in your new city eventually, particularly if he only needs to make 50K.

[Anonymous]

Thanks! I have 3 weeks to decide...

[Anonymous]

I am dying to know what kind of field/job pays 100K in DC but 200K in Arkansas?

[Anonymous]

So, let me get this straight. DH quits his job to go to graduate school for six years (6 years!) during which time he racks up $200k in student loans?

Sorry about rehashing but I'm having trouble getting past this.

And he can't get a higher paying job!

Can you hire a lawyer to try to sue the people that suckered DH into such an arrangement?

Only death absolves someone of paying student loans. You all are going to be paying that debt forever.

[Anonymous]

DH and I lived in Arkansas for a year for his job and I was much happier there than I would have anticipated. Unless you're in NW Arkansas there aren't direct flights though - unless this has changed in he past two years - which makes even weekend visits tough. Loved the state though, and we actually considered moving back when DS was born.

[Anonymous]

One thing to consider for him is many people have to reinvent themselves in their career, more common now then ever. and often find out they are happier. It's not easy and the hardest part is the first step.

Btw. I am prime breadwinner and with business changes have reinvented myself many times. I am being supportive of my husband doing a major reinvent over past two years - and looks like we will flip soon. Difference in income was wide too.

Being super encouraging is important and allowing that if things don't work we regroup learn and try something slightly different

[Anonymous]

OP if you were a man we wouldn't be discussing this. Are you completely insane? 200k in Arkansas? Give that up and you will resent your husband. I'm resenting him for you. This is such a no brainer. What is messing you up is gendered expectations. Your husband fucked up with taking on so much debt. My husband and I are attorneys and we didn't have that much between the two of us. Stay here, struggle & not be able to save for your child's college.

Family should be more important to your husband than his ego.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP if you were a man we wouldn't be discussing this. Are you completely insane? 200k in Arkansas? Give that up and you will resent your husband. I'm resenting him for you. This is such a no brainer. What is messing you up is gendered expectations. Your husband fucked up with taking on so much debt. My husband and I are attorneys and we didn't have that much between the two of us. Stay here, struggle & not be able to save for your child's college.

Family should be more important to your husband than his ego.

Really??? American U and georgetown law are at 70k a year for law school right now! easily over 200k for ONE person

[Anonymous]

I think you should stay in DC. Maybe I am being a snob, but Ak sounds awful and DC, while expensive, has a lot to offer. And $150,000 a year is hardly poor (even with the debt).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am dying to know what kind of field/job pays 100K in DC but 200K in Arkansas?

Please. Let us know what field this is!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP if you were a man we wouldn't be discussing this. Are you completely insane? 200k in Arkansas? Give that up and you will resent your husband. I'm resenting him for you. This is such a no brainer. What is messing you up is gendered expectations. Your husband fucked up with taking on so much debt. My husband and I are attorneys and we didn't have that much between the two of us. Stay here, struggle & not be able to save for your child's college.

Family should be more important to your husband than his ego.

Really??? American U and georgetown law are at 70k a year for law school right now! easily over 200k for ONE person

I went to Georgetown Law on a full tuition scholarship. I did have to take out loans to live on because I had zero financial support from my parents. Look her husband made a bad decision to take on that much debt. It is now ruling his decisions, instead of allowing them to do what is best for the family. And again, if the OP was a man we wouldn't even be talking about this! In fact OP go post somewhere like the bogleheads board and see what they tell you. And why not pretend you're a man just to see the difference in responses. Plus, that board is full of finance savy people.

My husband also had a scholarship to his law school and paid off his loans before we had a kid. I just think the OP is a rock star to get this awesome offer and it sucks that she's even second guessing it. I'd love to move to a low COL area myself but my husband wants to stay here. We make more than the OP's family so it isn't a burden for us to stay here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should stay in DC. Maybe I am being a snob, but Ak sounds awful and DC, while expensive, has a lot to offer. And $150,000 a year is hardly poor (even with the debt).

So where can OP buy a nice home making 150k? Vs going somewhere where she can afford a great home.

[Anonymous]

I haven't read past the first 3 pages but if you do separate for this job, then you should make it clear that he is on his own for his own expenses. You will NOT subsidize his rent, pay his food, etc….

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should stay in DC. Maybe I am being a snob, but Ak sounds awful and DC, while expensive, has a lot to offer. And $150,000 a year is hardly poor (even with the debt).

So where can OP buy a nice home making 150k? Vs going somewhere where she can afford a great home.

My BF bought a $450K brand new house in Haymarket on her $90K salary last year (her DH is a SAHD). They live very comfortably. Granted, they do not have $200K in debt. I would not buy a house if I had that much in student loans.