Reply to How long did it take for you/your spouse to feel balance/normal after an extra marital affair?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]DH had an affair that lasted for several years. I was devastated but agreed to counseling for the sake of our young child. I planned on leaving but ended up staying. I realized in therapy that our marriage was broken long before the infidelity. It's been two years of intensive therapy (individual and couples) and three years since discovery and there were times I didn't think we'd make it. The betrayal was too overwhelming  and the wounds too deep. In my experience, the pain never truly heals, but gradually that makes way for new emotions. DH was remorseful and committed to repairing the damage he'd done. Therapy required him to look at his life and decisions critically for the first time, and he's become a different person than he was before. I've also owned my part in our mutual struggle to communicate our needs and honor each other's needs too. I've had time to think about what I want and need in a partner, and what I need for myself. We both know that staying together is a choice we make every day and we take nothing for granted. As a result, we've become a different couple. I'm happier than I've ever been and we are much closer as a family. You can survive this if both parties are committed and willing to go the distance. Remember when soliciting advice that you will get lots of opinions, but no one knows how they will react when pushed to this extreme. No one. And only you knows what is in your heart. Good luck to you.[/quote]

I could have written this, except for us it's now been 22 years since I found out DH was having an affair. For me, the pain did heal after a few years, and we have gone on to have a different, but happy marriage. I actually think our marriage is much better for the work we did in counseling. But DH really wanted it to work, and was extremely remorseful. He never blamed me, though I certainly was not a perfect wife (and still am not). I don't have any regrets about staying, and he's never done anything to suggest he does either.

But. I think it's important to note that DHs infidelity happened before we had children. That means we had space and time to deal with our individual issues and couple issues, without an audience. Although the imperative to stay together may be stronger when one has kids, I actually suspect it's far, far more difficult to actually put a marriage back together when you have kids. You have so much less time for yourself and for each other.[/quote]

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