College parent helicoptering!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Over involved, enmeshed parents. They are doing more harm than good to their kids but often they are so caught up due to their own anxiety and own expectations, that they lose sight of what their child aka young adult needs.

The kids soon either just pull away or go underground - living one life for parents and one that parents aren't part of.

Asking questions on an open forum does not necessarily mean that the parents are over involved and enmeshed. Some kids finish high school when they are 17 or even 16 and need parental guidance.

+1

Those shouting about "helicoptering" are simply projecting their own guilt about not doing enough

No. This is just wrong. My son has been all over his college class facebook page and I have never seen it. He would be horrified if I started asking questions. And I'm sorry, if your 16 or 17 year old is heading to college, but needs you in there asking fellow classmates questions, your child is not "ready" for college. Just stop.

Do you at least acknowledge the possibility that your child might be at least a little different form every other child and that your wisdom might not apply to every child?

All kids are different, but I have to say I don't know any teenager who would be thrilled to have their parents on helicoptering on a facebook page for the Class of 2018 (unless the parents are matriculating that year as well). The kids I know make fun of the stupid questions other kids ask. I can only imagine the disdain/pity they reserve for those poor kids whose parents show up there.

This may not be what you want to hear, but it is, unfortunately, the reality. Parents would be better served getting their kids to ask those questions. Or if they don't want to, letting the kids learn the hard way what they should have asked in advance. None of which would be terminal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Over involved, enmeshed parents. They are doing more harm than good to their kids but often they are so caught up due to their own anxiety and own expectations, that they lose sight of what their child aka young adult needs.

The kids soon either just pull away or go underground - living one life for parents and one that parents aren't part of.

Asking questions on an open forum does not necessarily mean that the parents are over involved and enmeshed. Some kids finish high school when they are 17 or even 16 and need parental guidance.

+1

Those shouting about "helicoptering" are simply projecting their own guilt about not doing enough

This is BS. I am a very involved parent, have helped my DD in various ways through high school and the college process, but helicopter parenting is not healthy and my thinking that has nothing to do with not doing enough for my child. In fact, I posted on the buying college supplies thread that I thought it was perfectly nice and normal for a parent to shop with their child before going to college - spending time with your child does mean it is helicopter parenting. However, posting on an online forum that is specifically intended for the kids is crossing a line that is odd. The OP is describing an online forum that is set up for the kids to interact with each in order to introduce themselves, ask questions and talk about their excitement in going to college. It is NOT meant for parents! Most schools have their own FB page for parents to ask questions. I have been able to find the answers to any question I have through the school's website or a quick email to a representative. There is absolutely no need to be posting with the other kids. I'm sorry, but that's just weird and any normal kid would be (and should be) mortified.

When I was at the parent orientation sessions for my DD's school there was a forum for parents to talk about their anxiety in sending their kids away to school for the first time. To be honest, I thought that part of the program was a bit of a waste of time - of course, we're all anxious and a little bittersweet about the changes that will take place in our family, but I am excited for my DD. This is a fun and exciting time in her life. It is also specifically why I started giving my DD age-appropriate freedoms while at home. I know that she is responsible and has a good sense of what she needs to do. More importantly, she knows what she needs to do if she gets lost, loses something, etc. She has some life experience to fall back on because I made her do things on her own - all at the same time spending plenty of time with her and enjoying her company. Sadly, there were several parents at the orientation who were so anxious and nervous about the idea of their child being on their own that I thought they would have a nervous breakdown - it was really eye-opening to me and, frankly, sad. One woman even admitted to "over-parenting" and was worried because her DD got lost that morning after insisting that she wanted to walk to the orientation on her own from the hotel (the college is in a big city). She realized that her DD really didn't know how to take care of herself because she was never expected to do anything - her mom did everything for her. And it's true - if your kid can't figure out the right direction to walk at the age of 17 or 18 (even 16) then you have not done a good job of teaching your child the necessary skills of life. That may sound harsh, but parents who do everything for their children are NOT setting them up for success later in life.

[Anonymous]

I think that it has been the norm for a while now that parents are enmeshed in their kids lives even when they leave for college. I've also heard too many stories about how the kids were so coddled in HS that they left school after a semester because they were so homesick or couldn't handle being on their own. I find this sad. When I went to college there weren't cell phones so I had a set time every week to talk to my parents. I could call but I had to use a calling card and it was expensive, anyone remember those days? My parents were supportive but they would never dream of calling a professor on my behalf. They would tell me to go to the professor's office hours if I had issues. If I needed extra help they were willing to help with the expense of a tutor, if that is what it took but they expected me to figure out what I needed. If I went over my budget for the month I wouldn't get more money unless it was an out of the ordinary expense, not because I blew my allowance for the month. (Yes, my parents paid for school and my expenses. I went to a state school and I know I am very lucky)

I don't get it, my thought is that I should be raising my kids to become independent, productive members of society. Never cutting the cord does hinders everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Over involved, enmeshed parents. They are doing more harm than good to their kids but often they are so caught up due to their own anxiety and own expectations, that they lose sight of what their child aka young adult needs.

The kids soon either just pull away or go underground - living one life for parents and one that parents aren't part of.

Asking questions on an open forum does not necessarily mean that the parents are over involved and enmeshed. Some kids finish high school when they are 17 or even 16 and need parental guidance.

+1

Those shouting about "helicoptering" are simply projecting their own guilt about not doing enough

No. This is just wrong. My son has been all over his college class facebook page and I have never seen it. He would be horrified if I started asking questions. And I'm sorry, if your 16 or 17 year old is heading to college, but needs you in there asking fellow classmates questions, your child is not "ready" for college. Just stop.

Do you at least acknowledge the possibility that your child might be at least a little different form every other child and that your wisdom might not apply to every child?

All kids are different, but I have to say I don't know any teenager who would be thrilled to have their parents on helicoptering on a facebook page for the Class of 2018 (unless the parents are matriculating that year as well). The kids I know make fun of the stupid questions other kids ask. I can only imagine the disdain/pity they reserve for those poor kids whose parents show up there.

This may not be what you want to hear, but it is, unfortunately, the reality. Parents would be better served getting their kids to ask those questions. Or if they don't want to, letting the kids learn the hard way what they should have asked in advance. None of which would be terminal.

You actually don't know what "the reality" is for MY child. You really don't. Why is that so hard for you to accept" You grudgingly admit that "all kids are different" but then act as if that is not true by extending the limited sample of "the kids I know" to all kids and suggesting that you know what "the reality" is. Again, you don't. Good luck with your children.

[Anonymous]

2 kids, 8 yrs of college, I contacted the University twice. Once when text books ($$) were mailed, shown delivered but couldn't be located - contacted the adult residence hall manager. Second time, for tuition purposes was helping me understand the difference between elearning vs independent study.

Both kids out-of-state. I have contact w/colleges during the search re: transportation to campus info. If far from an airport and no reliable airport shuttle, it was a deal breaker for an oos student who wasn't going to drive cross country. This took some digging as some U's were sensitive to their relative isolated location.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Over involved, enmeshed parents. They are doing more harm than good to their kids but often they are so caught up due to their own anxiety and own expectations, that they lose sight of what their child aka young adult needs.

The kids soon either just pull away or go underground - living one life for parents and one that parents aren't part of.

Asking questions on an open forum does not necessarily mean that the parents are over involved and enmeshed. Some kids finish high school when they are 17 or even 16 and need parental guidance.

+1

Those shouting about "helicoptering" are simply projecting their own guilt about not doing enough

No. This is just wrong. My son has been all over his college class facebook page and I have never seen it. He would be horrified if I started asking questions. And I'm sorry, if your 16 or 17 year old is heading to college, but needs you in there asking fellow classmates questions, your child is not "ready" for college. Just stop.

Do you at least acknowledge the possibility that your child might be at least a little different form every other child and that your wisdom might not apply to every child?

All kids are different, but I have to say I don't know any teenager who would be thrilled to have their parents on helicoptering on a facebook page for the Class of 2018 (unless the parents are matriculating that year as well). The kids I know make fun of the stupid questions other kids ask. I can only imagine the disdain/pity they reserve for those poor kids whose parents show up there.

This may not be what you want to hear, but it is, unfortunately, the reality. Parents would be better served getting their kids to ask those questions. Or if they don't want to, letting the kids learn the hard way what they should have asked in advance. None of which would be terminal.

You actually don't know what "the reality" is for MY child. You really don't. Why is that so hard for you to accept" You grudgingly admit that "all kids are different" but then act as if that is not true by extending the limited sample of "the kids I know" to all kids and suggesting that you know what "the reality" is. Again, you don't. Good luck with your children.

NP - please explain why you think a kid who needs his mom to ask questions for him on Facebook is ready for college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Over involved, enmeshed parents. They are doing more harm than good to their kids but often they are so caught up due to their own anxiety and own expectations, that they lose sight of what their child aka young adult needs.

The kids soon either just pull away or go underground - living one life for parents and one that parents aren't part of.

Asking questions on an open forum does not necessarily mean that the parents are over involved and enmeshed. Some kids finish high school when they are 17 or even 16 and need parental guidance.

+1

Those shouting about "helicoptering" are simply projecting their own guilt about not doing enough

No. This is just wrong. My son has been all over his college class facebook page and I have never seen it. He would be horrified if I started asking questions. And I'm sorry, if your 16 or 17 year old is heading to college, but needs you in there asking fellow classmates questions, your child is not "ready" for college. Just stop.

Do you at least acknowledge the possibility that your child might be at least a little different form every other child and that your wisdom might not apply to every child?

All kids are different, but I have to say I don't know any teenager who would be thrilled to have their parents on helicoptering on a facebook page for the Class of 2018 (unless the parents are matriculating that year as well). The kids I know make fun of the stupid questions other kids ask. I can only imagine the disdain/pity they reserve for those poor kids whose parents show up there.

This may not be what you want to hear, but it is, unfortunately, the reality. Parents would be better served getting their kids to ask those questions. Or if they don't want to, letting the kids learn the hard way what they should have asked in advance. None of which would be terminal.

You actually don't know what "the reality" is for MY child. You really don't. Why is that so hard for you to accept" You grudgingly admit that "all kids are different" but then act as if that is not true by extending the limited sample of "the kids I know" to all kids and suggesting that you know what "the reality" is. Again, you don't. Good luck with your children.

There is no child for whom it is a good idea for a parent to post on the student facebook page. Period. I cannot imagine an acceptable scenario. You say some kids need extra help? I have a DC with Aspergers who has some social issues (though is doing quite well because of early intervention, has friends, etc . . .). Even for him I would NEVER post a question on the student facebook page. Especially for him because nothing screams "social outcast" like Mom posting on the student facebook page. PP you may think your DC needs some kind of extra help here but your presence only marks him and undermines him.

I cannot imagine a reason why a parent would be asking a question of other students. If you need to do that, your child is not ready for college. Consider this, while they are actually there, they will be on their own in terms of asking questions of other students. At least I hope so.

A class of 2018 facebook page is just that, a facebook page for students in the class of 2018. Mom, you are not in the class of 2018. You have not been invited to join this group and you do not belong. I would think this would be a no brainer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Over involved, enmeshed parents. They are doing more harm than good to their kids but often they are so caught up due to their own anxiety and own expectations, that they lose sight of what their child aka young adult needs.

The kids soon either just pull away or go underground - living one life for parents and one that parents aren't part of.

Asking questions on an open forum does not necessarily mean that the parents are over involved and enmeshed. Some kids finish high school when they are 17 or even 16 and need parental guidance.

+1

Those shouting about "helicoptering" are simply projecting their own guilt about not doing enough

No. If my kid was unable to ask questions on a FACEBOOK page (meaning he didn't even have to go up and talk to anyone - just type a sentence or two) that is meant for that sort of thing, I would have serious reservations about sending him off to college. If that makes me 'guilty,' fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a new one: my son left his Faceook open on his "X University Class of 2018" page and there was more than one mother on there asking questions on behalf of their kid. Crazy! (My child would be mortified...)

Is it just me, or is that a little strange?

Strange. That is meant for kids not parents. If the parent has questions, get intouch with the school or find other PARENTS to ask. Kids need to grow up and figure out how to manage life without MOM and DAD doing everything.

I interview college graduates all the tiem and can't belive how many fo them have no idea how to manage the Metro, pay bills, add a tip to a restaurant meal etc. You can be an involved parent by teaching your kids how to do things theywill need to know as an Adult.


And if your snowflake doesn't have the right comforter or fan guess what? they will survive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Over involved, enmeshed parents. They are doing more harm than good to their kids but often they are so caught up due to their own anxiety and own expectations, that they lose sight of what their child aka young adult needs.

The kids soon either just pull away or go underground - living one life for parents and one that parents aren't part of.

Asking questions on an open forum does not necessarily mean that the parents are over involved and enmeshed. Some kids finish high school when they are 17 or even 16 and need parental guidance.

+1

Those shouting about "helicoptering" are simply projecting their own guilt about not doing enough

If you have to go on a facebook page for students and ask a question -- in other words if your DC can't do this himself or herself -- then you haven't done enough.

Seriously, what could a parent possibly ask of other students. "Are you planning to bring XYZ?" "When will we receive information about XYZ?" "How do you prepare for XYZ?" "Should my child participate in XYZ?" ALL of these questions should be asked by the student.Every. Single. One. And if the child chooses not to or doesn't get around to it, the world won't end. Maybe he'll regret bringing something or not bringing something. Maybe he'll participate in an activity he feels he should not have or is not full prepared for something (which I doubt given how much info the schools send out.) NONE of these situations are irreversible. They are pretty typical of the muddling students do when they are first on their own. The lessons they learn from this are invaluable for their future.

There are some things parents need to know, such as payment issues. Or maybe there are health concerns. I've dealt with both by calling the appropriate offices. I certainly wouldn't post a question on the student facebook page.

[Anonymous]

Now that some on this thread have acknowledged a family history of social interaction disorders, I think it is best to let this thread end. Nuff said.

[Anonymous]

Most of the posts I've seen on my kid's class page are along the lines of, "Any Disney movie fans here? Movie marathon in my dorm?" or "anyone planning to do intramurals?"

What would a parent even ASK? Very weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Now that some on this thread have acknowledged a family history of social interaction disorders, I think it is best to let this thread end. Nuff said.

I'm PP, mother of DS with Aspergers, and I don't get your point.

[Anonymous]

I'm a fb member of The U Class of 2018 Parent Connection." Parents ask each other about local hotels and restaurants, what's the best days to arrive or best plane fares etc. And some sweet posts of moms just missing their kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most of the posts I've seen on my kid's class page are along the lines of, "Any Disney movie fans here? Movie marathon in my dorm?" or "anyone planning to do intramurals?"

What would a parent even ASK? Very weird.

"My son will be in X dorm. Who cleans the bathrooms? It has been a heated debate in our house about whether or not to bring cleaning supplies!"