College parent helicoptering!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a fb member of The U Class of 2018 Parent Connection." Parents ask each other about local hotels and restaurants, what's the best days to arrive or best plane fares etc. And some sweet posts of moms just missing their kids.

I think that's a great idea. I could see myself posting on something like that - but certainly not on the student page.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that it has been the norm for a while now that parents are enmeshed in their kids lives even when they leave for college. I've also heard too many stories about how the kids were so coddled in HS that they left school after a semester because they were so homesick or couldn't handle being on their own. I find this sad. When I went to college there weren't cell phones so I had a set time every week to talk to my parents. I could call but I had to use a calling card and it was expensive, anyone remember those days? My parents were supportive but they would never dream of calling a professor on my behalf. They would tell me to go to the professor's office hours if I had issues. If I needed extra help they were willing to help with the expense of a tutor, if that is what it took but they expected me to figure out what I needed. If I went over my budget for the month I wouldn't get more money unless it was an out of the ordinary expense, not because I blew my allowance for the month. (Yes, my parents paid for school and my expenses. I went to a state school and I know I am very lucky)

I don't get it, my thought is that I should be raising my kids to become independent, productive members of society. Never cutting the cord does hinders everyone.

This 47 year old cries, "Amen PP!" My son is only in middle school, but I am committed to seeing that he is independent, confident and capable of taking care of himself when he goes to college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:College prof here --- Parents who help with college papers are preventing their kids from learning. Parents who contact professors or administrators on their child's behalf get a reputation as nutbags. When we have to write a letter of recommendation for your child for grad school or a job, we are not inclined to describe them as mature, self-starters, energetic go-getters, etc.

I have no problem with parents making sure that the college and professors are providing their child with a high-quality education, especially since they are paying for it, in many cases! You wouldn't say the same about a shareholder checking in on a business that they've invested in, would you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most of the posts I've seen on my kid's class page are along the lines of, "Any Disney movie fans here? Movie marathon in my dorm?" or "anyone planning to do intramurals?"

What would a parent even ASK? Very weird.

"My son will be in X dorm. Who cleans the bathrooms? It has been a heated debate in our house about whether or not to bring cleaning supplies!"

Questions the student should absolutely ask himself. And if he doesn't he can figure this out when he gets there. You embarrass him and yourself by posting such things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:College prof here --- Parents who help with college papers are preventing their kids from learning. Parents who contact professors or administrators on their child's behalf get a reputation as nutbags. When we have to write a letter of recommendation for your child for grad school or a job, we are not inclined to describe them as mature, self-starters, energetic go-getters, etc.

I have no problem with parents making sure that the college and professors are providing their child with a high-quality education, especially since they are paying for it, in many cases! You wouldn't say the same about a shareholder checking in on a business that they've invested in, would you?

^^^?So a college professor is kind enough to come on this forum and tell you truthfully how such behavior appears to them and affects their impression of your child. But you want to argue anyway? Clearly you don't get it. You just don't.

If a child can't advocate for themselves by college, that is a skill they need to develop, not a reason for parents to step in. Please pay close attention at the parent orientation when your kid goes to college -- when they talk about the need to let go, they're talking directly to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:College prof here --- Parents who help with college papers are preventing their kids from learning. Parents who contact professors or administrators on their child's behalf get a reputation as nutbags. When we have to write a letter of recommendation for your child for grad school or a job, we are not inclined to describe them as mature, self-starters, energetic go-getters, etc.

I have no problem with parents making sure that the college and professors are providing their child with a high-quality education, especially since they are paying for it, in many cases! You wouldn't say the same about a shareholder checking in on a business that they've invested in, would you?

For how long are you going to infantalize your child? You aren't a shareholder. You aren't even the student. You are the parent of the student. And if the price of you paying tuition is that he has to put up with his mom getting in the face of professors and administrators, the poor kid would be better off cutting his ties and getting financial aid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:College prof here --- Parents who help with college papers are preventing their kids from learning. Parents who contact professors or administrators on their child's behalf get a reputation as nutbags. When we have to write a letter of recommendation for your child for grad school or a job, we are not inclined to describe them as mature, self-starters, energetic go-getters, etc.

I have no problem with parents making sure that the college and professors are providing their child with a high-quality education, especially since they are paying for it, in many cases! You wouldn't say the same about a shareholder checking in on a business that they've invested in, would you?

Ye gods, I can't even. You may have Google shares, but that doesn't mean that you'd be welcome to barge into their offices and tell them how to do their job.

[Anonymous]

Soooo are we going to talk about the fact that you're looking at your college-age son's Facebook account? How is that not helicopter parenting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:College prof here --- Parents who help with college papers are preventing their kids from learning. Parents who contact professors or administrators on their child's behalf get a reputation as nutbags. When we have to write a letter of recommendation for your child for grad school or a job, we are not inclined to describe them as mature, self-starters, energetic go-getters, etc.

I have no problem with parents making sure that the college and professors are providing their child with a high-quality education, especially since they are paying for it, in many cases! You wouldn't say the same about a shareholder checking in on a business that they've invested in, would you?

^^^?So a college professor is kind enough to come on this forum and tell you truthfully how such behavior appears to them and affects their impression of your child. But you want to argue anyway? Clearly you don't get it. You just don't.

If a child can't advocate for themselves by college, that is a skill they need to develop, not a reason for parents to step in. Please pay close attention at the parent orientation when your kid goes to college -- when they talk about the need to let go, they're talking directly to you.

A college professor coming on to the DCUM message board is at least as creepy as a mom on the DC's fb account. There is some serious dysfunction on this thread. Maybe best to leave it to the parents to decide without judging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:College prof here --- Parents who help with college papers are preventing their kids from learning. Parents who contact professors or administrators on their child's behalf get a reputation as nutbags. When we have to write a letter of recommendation for your child for grad school or a job, we are not inclined to describe them as mature, self-starters, energetic go-getters, etc.

I have no problem with parents making sure that the college and professors are providing their child with a high-quality education, especially since they are paying for it, in many cases! You wouldn't say the same about a shareholder checking in on a business that they've invested in, would you?

^^^?So a college professor is kind enough to come on this forum and tell you truthfully how such behavior appears to them and affects their impression of your child. But you want to argue anyway? Clearly you don't get it. You just don't.

If a child can't advocate for themselves by college, that is a skill they need to develop, not a reason for parents to step in. Please pay close attention at the parent orientation when your kid goes to college -- when they talk about the need to let go, they're talking directly to you.

A college professor coming on to the DCUM message board is at least as creepy as a mom on the DC's fb account. There is some serious dysfunction on this thread. Maybe best to leave it to the parents to decide without judging.

Did you ever think that maybe that college professor is a PARENT and is simply offering their advice on this topic since they have experience…?! I do not see how a college professor posting on DCUM is anywhere close to creepy, especially since we don't know anything else about this person. However, a parent posting on the school FB account for your child is stepping over the line and highly inappropriate. If you continue to coddle your child he/she will not only be seen as a "momma's boy/girl", but also (and even worse) immature and incapable. Is that really how you want your child to start their future? Even if I feel that everyone should be free to parent how they feel is appropriate, every decision we make should be in the best interests of our children. This is their life, not ours…

[Anonymous]

I wish "child" wasn't used so often on this thread, and wish economics were such that these young adults could put themselves through college if they had to.

Their money, their life.

It's the fundamental shift from being (potentially) self-supporting to the current circumstance of delayed adulthood which feeds this problem of parental over involvement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Over involved, enmeshed parents. They are doing more harm than good to their kids but often they are so caught up due to their own anxiety and own expectations, that they lose sight of what their child aka young adult needs.

The kids soon either just pull away or go underground - living one life for parents and one that parents aren't part of.

Asking questions on an open forum does not necessarily mean that the parents are over involved and enmeshed. Some kids finish high school when they are 17 or even 16 and need parental guidance.

+1

Those shouting about "helicoptering" are simply projecting their own guilt about not doing enough

I feel sorry for your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Soooo are we going to talk about the fact that you're looking at your college-age son's Facebook account? How is that not helicopter parenting?

Well said. The helicoptering has become so bad that during first-year move in, many colleges schedule a parent "information session" at the same time student orientation is starting so they can get the parents the hell away from their kids. Then they schedule an off-campus social for the kids to force the parents to get in their cars and drive away. I know it's sad to leave a kid at college, but the fact that these kinds of maneuvers are required is pretty pathetic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most of the posts I've seen on my kid's class page are along the lines of, "Any Disney movie fans here? Movie marathon in my dorm?" or "anyone planning to do intramurals?"

What would a parent even ASK? Very weird.

"My son will be in X dorm. Who cleans the bathrooms? It has been a heated debate in our house about whether or not to bring cleaning supplies!"

Is your son going to an area where cleaning supplies aren't available for purchase. Seriously, this is what you're debating? Your kid must think you're psycho.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Soooo are we going to talk about the fact that you're looking at your college-age son's Facebook account? How is that not helicopter parenting?

Well said. The helicoptering has become so bad that during first-year move in, many colleges schedule a parent "information session" at the same time student orientation is starting so they can get the parents the hell away from their kids. Then they schedule an off-campus social for the kids to force the parents to get in their cars and drive away. I know it's sad to leave a kid at college, but the fact that these kinds of maneuvers are required is pretty pathetic.

I guess that does seem a little helicopter-y. He left it open on that page so I looked. Oops.