Is my marriage over?

[Anonymous]

DH sees it as no big deal and something completely treatable and that I should just live with. You know, paps every six months more tissue burned off my cervix that kind of no big deal. He's now pressing for a baby.

He does not sound supportive. I would think long and hard about having children with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He did not tell me he was a virgin and actually uses that against me.

What crushes me it's affected my life so much. The past year and a half has been nothing but paps and colpos and waiting on results and taking time off work and crying when I still haven't cleared it. Meanwhile he goes about his business like nothing is wrong. He doesn't take time off work for colpos with me and doesn't hold me when I cry over the results. That's why I'm so angry at him. The counselor said he probably feels guilty and is avoiding the situation but why can't he man up then and support me?

And my chances of carrying a pregnancy to term are not good now and won't ever be, even if I clear it because of the damage to my cervix.

Ah, so he's acting like a selfish a--hole. Have you talked to him about his lack of support? Have you asked him for help? What does he say?

Honestly? He says I knew he had other partners so he can't blame me and involve me in it. Which is true but.....

[Anonymous]

Dude sounds like a prick.

I don't think your marriage is over. But you may want to seek outside help (both of you as a couple). Sometimes it is all about the delivery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please tell me you know you can get HPV even if you don't have intercourse. You may have brought it into the marriage.

I did not. I had not had sexual contact of any kind prior to marriage. I should have made that clear.

None at all? I find that hard to believe.

Frankly your problem is you are feeling like a victim when he was clear with you that he wasn't a virgin. This is a choice you made but you are blaming him. HPV is extremely common and it sucks that you have gone through this-- but it isn't his fault. He shouldn't feel guilty. You need a lot of therapy by yourself so you can figure out if this is marriage you want to stay in because you are ruining it all on your own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He did not tell me he was a virgin and actually uses that against me.

What crushes me it's affected my life so much. The past year and a half has been nothing but paps and colpos and waiting on results and taking time off work and crying when I still haven't cleared it. Meanwhile he goes about his business like nothing is wrong. He doesn't take time off work for colpos with me and doesn't hold me when I cry over the results. That's why I'm so angry at him. The counselor said he probably feels guilty and is avoiding the situation but why can't he man up then and support me?

And my chances of carrying a pregnancy to term are not good now and won't ever be, even if I clear it because of the damage to my cervix.

Ah, so he's acting like a selfish a--hole. Have you talked to him about his lack of support? Have you asked him for help? What does he say?

Honestly? He says I knew he had other partners so he can't blame me and involve me in it. Which is true but.....

Yes, indeed. You guys have other problems. if he has stopped going to counseling, then I do think you need to reconsider your marriage. He sounds really horrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please tell me you know you can get HPV even if you don't have intercourse. You may have brought it into the marriage.

I did not. I had not had sexual contact of any kind prior to marriage. I should have made that clear.

None at all? I find that hard to believe.

Frankly your problem is you are feeling like a victim when he was clear with you that he wasn't a virgin. This is a choice you made but you are blaming him. HPV is extremely common and it sucks that you have gone through this-- but it isn't his fault. He shouldn't feel guilty. You need a lot of therapy by yourself so you can figure out if this is marriage you want to stay in because you are ruining it all on your own.

You can believe what you want but I am a very conservative Catholic and no, I did not have sexual contact prior to marriage. To be blunt, as another PP said, part of the reason was religious, part was to avoid STD's. Yes, I am bitter I did not.

And sure, HPV may be fairly common, but most don't have the issues I am having. This is life altering. Possibly fatal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He did not tell me he was a virgin and actually uses that against me.

What crushes me it's affected my life so much. The past year and a half has been nothing but paps and colpos and waiting on results and taking time off work and crying when I still haven't cleared it. Meanwhile he goes about his business like nothing is wrong. He doesn't take time off work for colpos with me and doesn't hold me when I cry over the results. That's why I'm so angry at him. The counselor said he probably feels guilty and is avoiding the situation but why can't he man up then and support me?

And my chances of carrying a pregnancy to term are not good now and won't ever be, even if I clear it because of the damage to my cervix.

Is he fully aware of the seriousness? He maybe be hearing "pre-cancer" and thinking, "OK, so it's not cancer, no big deal."

It also sounds like he's probably someone who isn't very comfortable with a lot of emotional expression. If you are crying your way through most of your conversations about what's going on, he may be tuning you out. (I'm not blaming you -- that's pretty shitty of him.)

See if you can get him to come to an appointment with the gynecologic oncologist. If a doctor explains the actual risks and potential impact to your fertility in a clinical manner, it might sink in a little better.

In the meantime, you need to let go of the the fact that he wasn't a virgin when you married him. The CDC says, "HPV is so common that most sexually-active men and women will get at least one type of HPV at some point in their lives." It's a terrible thing that you happen to have a particularly nasty strain, but it doesn't make him (or you) soiled goods.

tl;dr: Make sure he's fully informed, call him on his unsupportive behavior, and let him off the hook for the HPV.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please tell me you know you can get HPV even if you don't have intercourse. You may have brought it into the marriage.

I did not. I had not had sexual contact of any kind prior to marriage. I should have made that clear.

None at all? I find that hard to believe.

Frankly your problem is you are feeling like a victim when he was clear with you that he wasn't a virgin. This is a choice you made but you are blaming him. HPV is extremely common and it sucks that you have gone through this-- but it isn't his fault. He shouldn't feel guilty. You need a lot of therapy by yourself so you can figure out if this is marriage you want to stay in because you are ruining it all on your own.

I think there are two separate issues. No, I don't think OP should blame her husband for giving her HPV because it's extremely common and most people don't know they have it. However, it sounds like her dh is not supportive of all of her struggle. If she had, say, multiple sclerosis, wouldn't we expect him to be more supportive? He should be there for her, regardless of whether this was his fault, and he sounds like he is not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Is he fully aware of the seriousness? He maybe be hearing "pre-cancer" and thinking, "OK, so it's not cancer, no big deal."

You might be onto something here.

Anonymous wrote:

tl;dr: Make sure he's fully informed, call him on his unsupportive behavior, and let him off the hook for the HPV.

I feel like I am. Conservative Catholic, as I said above.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Is he fully aware of the seriousness? He maybe be hearing "pre-cancer" and thinking, "OK, so it's not cancer, no big deal."

You might be onto something here.

Anonymous wrote:

tl;dr: Make sure he's fully informed, call him on his unsupportive behavior, and let him off the hook for the HPV.

I feel like I am. Conservative Catholic, as I said above.

Sorry, quoted the wrong part. I feel like soiled goods.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Is he fully aware of the seriousness? He maybe be hearing "pre-cancer" and thinking, "OK, so it's not cancer, no big deal."

You might be onto something here.

Anonymous wrote:

tl;dr: Make sure he's fully informed, call him on his unsupportive behavior, and let him off the hook for the HPV.

I feel like I am. Conservative Catholic, as I said above.

Sorry, quoted the wrong part. I feel like soiled goods.

I'm sorry -- I don't think there's anything you can read on a message board that can mitigate a longstanding belief.

FWIW, I have HPV (though a milder strain than you do -- I had a few abnormal pap smears and a colposcopy several years ago, but it seems to have resolved itself). My husband and I consulted an RE earlier this year, and when he asked about STDs I mentioned my HPV -- he shrugged and said, "Everyone has that."

Although people are understandably uncomfortable discussing STDs, I do think HPV is one that just about everyone has. Weirdly, even though is potentially has more serious implications, I think it has less of a stigma than many other STDs (herpes, for example).

Like I said, though, none of that is going to mean much to you if it was a point of pride that you saved yourself for marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh, boy. Where to begin.

To make a long story short, my pap last year came back CIS. After they picked me up off the floor and we did some more tests, the final diagnosis ended up being CIN 2 but I had a LEEP anyway. Six months later, it was CIN 3. Another LEEP. Things look ok for now but the gynecologic oncologist brought in because it seemed so agressive is concerned about the apparent persistent HPV. Another LEEP is probably in my future He highly suggests I not have unprotected sex and highly suggests I not get pregnant, both because of the multiple LEEPs and immune suppression pregnancy causes.

You're probably wondering what this has to do with my marriage. Well, DH was my first. I waited. He didn't. I feel dirty and used and like I have a scarlet A printed on me. DH sees it as no big deal and something completely treatable and that I should just live with. You know, paps every six months more tissue burned off my cervix that kind of no big deal. He's now pressing for a baby. I wanted babies, lots of them and that's looking more and more unlikely now. I'm devastated.

We've tried counseling but he's stopped going. I'm lost. Any advice?

Dude, take a deep breath. Just about EVERY SINGLE WOMAN I know has had HPV in some form or another. Seriously. More than half of my friends have had a LEEP or, even worse, a cone biopsy. I had a LEEP done as a newlywed, for god's sake! HPV is just one of those things that basically everyone out there has, so if you have ever had unprotected sex, you probably have it. I never had any external signs or symptoms, just an abnormal pap, followed by colposcopy, followed by pathology showing CIS after my LEEP.

The bad strain of HPV that causes CIS leaves your body on its own in time. I had DNA testing to identify the strain of HPV bc of the CIS. I also did repeat paps every 6 months for two years and the HPV cleared my body within that time frame years. No abnormal paps ever again (Knock on wood) and it's been 15 years. I got pregnant three times with no problems, and delivered three healthy babies.

Give the guy a break - this is all related to behavior before he married you. Talk to your OB about getting pregnant in the future, when the HPV has cleared your body. Also, I should add that of all my friends who have had LEEPS and cone biopsies, no one was unable to get (or stay) pregnant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please tell me you know you can get HPV even if you don't have intercourse. You may have brought it into the marriage.

I did not. I had not had sexual contact of any kind prior to marriage. I should have made that clear.

None at all? I find that hard to believe.

Frankly your problem is you are feeling like a victim when he was clear with you that he wasn't a virgin. This is a choice you made but you are blaming him. HPV is extremely common and it sucks that you have gone through this-- but it isn't his fault. He shouldn't feel guilty. You need a lot of therapy by yourself so you can figure out if this is marriage you want to stay in because you are ruining it all on your own.

You can believe what you want but I am a very conservative Catholic and no, I did not have sexual contact prior to marriage. To be blunt, as another PP said, part of the reason was religious, part was to avoid STD's. Yes, I am bitter I did not.

And sure, HPV may be fairly common, but most don't have the issues I am having. This is life altering. Possibly fatal.

Ok a bit dramatic. Yes you CAN die from cervical cancer but you are more likely to be hit by a bus crossing the road. Keep that on perspective. I have HPV and a conservative Catholic but I did catch it before marriage though I was a virgin. That said I have had many LEEP procedures and have had 4 kids. You really need to get a second opinion on your ability to carry a pregnancy.

From what you have posted it sounds like you perhaps have laid on the guilt trip with him and he is probably shutting down. He isn't being supportive because you have been blaming him for the HPV. You have to really deal with that issue on your own. You can't keep beating him up on that. I bet if you talk with him, apologize for blaming him and tell him you would like more support he will do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He isn't being supportive because you have been blaming him for the HPV. You have to really deal with that issue on your own. You can't keep beating him up on that. I bet if you talk with him, apologize for blaming him and tell him you would like more support he will do it.

+1

[Anonymous]

It just kills me that I waited for no reason. What was the point?