Is my marriage over?

[Anonymous]

Oh, boy. Where to begin.

To make a long story short, my pap last year came back CIS. After they picked me up off the floor and we did some more tests, the final diagnosis ended up being CIN 2 but I had a LEEP anyway. Six months later, it was CIN 3. Another LEEP. Things look ok for now but the gynecologic oncologist brought in because it seemed so agressive is concerned about the apparent persistent HPV. Another LEEP is probably in my future He highly suggests I not have unprotected sex and highly suggests I not get pregnant, both because of the multiple LEEPs and immune suppression pregnancy causes.

You're probably wondering what this has to do with my marriage. Well, DH was my first. I waited. He didn't. I feel dirty and used and like I have a scarlet A printed on me. DH sees it as no big deal and something completely treatable and that I should just live with. You know, paps every six months more tissue burned off my cervix that kind of no big deal. He's now pressing for a baby. I wanted babies, lots of them and that's looking more and more unlikely now. I'm devastated.

We've tried counseling but he's stopped going. I'm lost. Any advice?

[Anonymous]

Wait, so you tested positive for HPV (which is extremely common) as a result of a sex partner he had BEFORE marriage? Did he tell you he was a virgin?

[Anonymous]

You guys sound like you have other issues, but you shouldn't hold HPV against him. Nearly everyone has it.

[Anonymous]

Sorry to be blunt, but you've got it anyway now. There's no turning back time. I would definitely let this go. NOT a big deal. I don't actually think doctors understand abnormal paps/HPV yet. Give it a some more time to clear and start in on the babies. But you are going to have to get past this. I was going to type "forgive dh" but that's not quite right. I don't think he's done anything wrong.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP. Cancer is horrible. I'm sure it's difficult on many levels. What did your husband say about the doctors recommending no pregnancy?

[Anonymous]

Did he cheat on you, or was his activity before the two of you became a couple?

If the latter, you cannot really blame him for this. He probably feels awful, but this is something to work through, not divorce over

[Anonymous]

I don't understand...he's pressing for a baby, but he knows that your doctor recommended against it for now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. Cancer is horrible. I'm sure it's difficult on many levels. What did your husband say about the doctors recommending no pregnancy?

It doesn't sound like she has cancer. She has precancerous cells, which may or may not develop into cancer. It's extraordinarily common.

[Anonymous]

Is DH being supportive about this or is he blase? I think that will point to whether this marriage has problems (but not necessarily over). If you are going to face infertility you have to do it together in a supportive way. Do you think he will be a good father or will he leave you to take care of the childrens' problems by yourself?

[Anonymous]

He did not tell me he was a virgin and actually uses that against me.

What crushes me it's affected my life so much. The past year and a half has been nothing but paps and colpos and waiting on results and taking time off work and crying when I still haven't cleared it. Meanwhile he goes about his business like nothing is wrong. He doesn't take time off work for colpos with me and doesn't hold me when I cry over the results. That's why I'm so angry at him. The counselor said he probably feels guilty and is avoiding the situation but why can't he man up then and support me?

And my chances of carrying a pregnancy to term are not good now and won't ever be, even if I clear it because of the damage to my cervix.

[Anonymous]

IMO this isn't about the HPV. It's about the cancer and the two surgeries OP has had that make it close to impossible to carry a pregnancy to term. That "is" a hard thing to deal with, and harder still to know it was caused by an STD.

OP I'd get another opinion if possible. Is cerclage possible? Or is there more going on physically?

OP if everything else is OK about your marriage, please try not to hold this against your DH. But I am concerned he seems to be pushing for babies when your doctor says no.

[Anonymous]

Please tell me you know you can get HPV even if you don't have intercourse. You may have brought it into the marriage.

[Anonymous]

OP:
1) HPV is extremely common. Why do you think this is a sign of his infidelity? Did you think he was a virgin?
2) It sounds like DH is mostly not being kind to you by pushing for a kid right now when the doc says you should not get pregnant. Is that the case? What's the long term prognosis?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He did not tell me he was a virgin and actually uses that against me.

What crushes me it's affected my life so much. The past year and a half has been nothing but paps and colpos and waiting on results and taking time off work and crying when I still haven't cleared it. Meanwhile he goes about his business like nothing is wrong. He doesn't take time off work for colpos with me and doesn't hold me when I cry over the results. That's why I'm so angry at him. The counselor said he probably feels guilty and is avoiding the situation but why can't he man up then and support me?

And my chances of carrying a pregnancy to term are not good now and won't ever be, even if I clear it because of the damage to my cervix.

Ah, so he's acting like a selfish a--hole. Have you talked to him about his lack of support? Have you asked him for help? What does he say?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please tell me you know you can get HPV even if you don't have intercourse. You may have brought it into the marriage.

I did not. I had not had sexual contact of any kind prior to marriage. I should have made that clear.