Is my marriage over?

[Anonymous]

I did not have CIN 3 but I had CIN 2. I had two LEEPs. My doc said wait a year to get pregnant. I did. Had a healthy girl, natural drug free birth with no complications. The abnormal paps have not returned. I am due with second baby in two weeks.

Get another opinion. Don't rule out having kids.

Another friend has a very similar situation to mine...she is now pregnant with her second.

[Anonymous]

In case anyone wants an update, I had a baby. I also ended up with stage 1A1 cervical cancer and am waiting to schedule a radical trachelectomy. Yes, I have had a second and third opinion.

I am too old to have received the HPV vaccine. I know now that it can be used off label on older women, but never had a doctor agree to it.

My marriage sucks, but it is what it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In case anyone wants an update, I had a baby. I also ended up with stage 1A1 cervical cancer and am waiting to schedule a radical trachelectomy. Yes, I have had a second and third opinion.

I am too old to have received the HPV vaccine. I know now that it can be used off label on older women, but never had a doctor agree to it.

My marriage sucks, but it is what it is.

At this point, all anyone can say is that I hope you get healthy and that your marriage improves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In case anyone wants an update, I had a baby. I also ended up with stage 1A1 cervical cancer and am waiting to schedule a radical trachelectomy. Yes, I have had a second and third opinion.

I am too old to have received the HPV vaccine. I know now that it can be used off label on older women, but never had a doctor agree to it.

My marriage sucks, but it is what it is.

Oh I'm so sorry OP. I remember this thread. On the one hand I'm very happy that you had a baby, but to have the stresses of a new baby and a cancer diagnosis all at the same time would tax the best of marriages. My only advice is to be kind - to yourself first and foremost, to your husband, to your family. I'm wishing you well.

[Anonymous]

Congratulations on your baby!

I'm so sorry about your diagnosis. Wishing the best for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

It just kills me that I waited for no reason. What was the point?

Two things - you can't change the fact that you waited, so let go of it. Thing 2, part of the reason you waited (per you) were your religious beliefs, which I imagine are or were important to you. That had nothing to do with what your husband did.

Exactly... she chose to wait but then chose to marry a man that didn't wait... so she chose to bring his sexual history into her life thereby negating her waiting..... had she married a man that was a virgin then maybe she wouldn't have HPV... she wants a benefit of some religious belief but didn't follow the whole teaching....

[Anonymous]

Why oh why did you bring a kid into this mess. Insane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:IMO this isn't about the HPV. It's about the cancer and the two surgeries OP has had that make it close to impossible to carry a pregnancy to term. That "is" a hard thing to deal with, and harder still to know it was caused by an STD.

OP I'd get another opinion if possible. Is cerclage possible? Or is there more going on physically?

OP if everything else is OK about your marriage, please try not to hold this against your DH. But I am concerned he seems to be pushing for babies when your doctor says no.

You can get a TAC - a transabdominal cerclage, which I have, for same reasons. They can put it in prophalactically before you get pregnant. I carried to term with mine and most women do, even with no functonal cervix.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He isn't being supportive because you have been blaming him for the HPV. You have to really deal with that issue on your own. You can't keep beating him up on that. I bet if you talk with him, apologize for blaming him and tell him you would like more support he will do it.

+1

+1000
Also, it sounds like you're making this into something uber dramatic and it doesn't have to be. As others have stated, lots of people have/have had HPV (myself included). Does it suck that you're going through this, sure, but it's not his fault. There is no HPV test for men so it's not like he was having sex with you knowing that he was likely to infect you. Does it suck that you waited until marriage "no reason", sure, but that's on you, not on him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure if responders here are fully appreciating the extent if the medical problem in terms of kids. My best friend went through similar medical procedures. She was NOT advised not to try to have kids, but she was told that her cervix had been so shortened that she might never be able to carry a child to term. She had a miscarriage because of the problem, even after a circlage (sp?) was put in. It was heartbreaking at the time. She did go on to have a successful pregnancy and was very lucky.

My friend is not very religious and was active during college, and his whole thing played havoc with her psyche. She blamed herself and felt very slutty, though it was obviously wrong to feel this way, but when a woman can't have kids because of something sexual you have to understand it is bound to mess you up a little.

I think people are being very hard on OP. It is hard to make sense of sicknesses like this that mess with your reproductive abilities. If I were in OP's husband's position I'd want to apologize to my wife for possibly doing something that risked her health and her ability to have kids, even though I hadn't known at the time I was doing it. Just absolving yourself of any responsibility is hurtful and certainly doesn't help her heal.

But OP, if your husband can't give you the support you need -- if your feelings aren't important enough to him to make him change his behavior -- then yes I think your marriage is over. No sense spending your whole life with that person. Good luck!

The problem is that she's looking to blame him for the disease. And that's just not fair. It's common and honestly her purity on her wedding day has nothing to do with it.
Now, granted the DH isn't winning any compassion awards, but she's not going to be able to really communicate with him until she stops trying to blame him for the disease.

How is it unfair? She did get it from him. Yes, I know it's common. And my understanding is that there's really no way to determine if a man is carrying the HPV virus, but she's entitled to some sympathy from him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please tell me you know you can get HPV even if you don't have intercourse. You may have brought it into the marriage.

Nope, I don't think she does. What's more, plenty of other posters here don't seem to realize it either!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In case anyone wants an update, I had a baby. I also ended up with stage 1A1 cervical cancer and am waiting to schedule a radical trachelectomy. Yes, I have had a second and third opinion.

I am too old to have received the HPV vaccine. I know now that it can be used off label on older women, but never had a doctor agree to it.

My marriage sucks, but it is what it is.

I'm sorry about the cancer, but WTH are you doing having a baby with this dude?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In case anyone wants an update, I had a baby. I also ended up with stage 1A1 cervical cancer and am waiting to schedule a radical trachelectomy. Yes, I have had a second and third opinion.

I am too old to have received the HPV vaccine. I know now that it can be used off label on older women, but never had a doctor agree to it.

My marriage sucks, but it is what it is.

Eleven months ago, a doctor told you not to conceive, and you now have a baby?

Congrats.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please tell me you know you can get HPV even if you don't have intercourse. You may have brought it into the marriage.

Nope, I don't think she does. What's more, plenty of other posters here don't seem to realize it either!

She does, this was discussed earlier in the thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He isn't being supportive because you have been blaming him for the HPV. You have to really deal with that issue on your own. You can't keep beating him up on that. I bet if you talk with him, apologize for blaming him and tell him you would like more support he will do it.

+1

+1000
Also, it sounds like you're making this into something uber dramatic and it doesn't have to be. As others have stated, lots of people have/have had HPV (myself included). Does it suck that you're going through this, sure, but it's not his fault. There is no HPV test for men so it's not like he was having sex with you knowing that he was likely to infect you. Does it suck that you waited until marriage "no reason", sure, but that's on you, not on him.

Um, I think most people would qualify cancer as "uber dramatic." I don't know anyone who says, "eh, well, no biggie."