Single father boyfriend does not want child with me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the original poster - just to clarify, there won't be an oops baby. I'm 43, and won't be conceiving naturally. I froze my eggs at 38. My boyfriend is 42. His daughter lives out of state with her mother, and only visits boyfriend for one week at Spring Break, 6 weeks over summer, and one week at Christmas. At 43, I realize my age is a huge factor in having a child with any man, so that is why I'm concerned with giving up on a man with whom I'm already in a relationship and who is otherwise very good to me.

That changes things quite a bit. Ultimately your choice though. Can you live with him knowing that his choice meant you never having your own baby?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I would cut your losses with this guy. If he turns up wanting a baby in a few months-great. If not, you are giving yourself the chance to have a child with someone else.

I would forever resent a man who did not allow me to try for a child.

You ladies need to get over yourselves! No one would be "not allowing you to try for a child"! OP's man is being honest and clear about what he wants and what he doesn't and he has every right to feel that way. He is not "denying" OP or anyone else anything.

You guys need to grow up and own that you are lucky to find an honest guy and you need to grow up and decide what his clear boundary means for you. I agree that you would probably grow to resent him as time went on, but you should only be mad at yourself for staying with someone who told you clearly where he stood on this, and you chose him anyway despite knowing this was something you really wanted.

There are PLENTY of guys out there who would just like to OP and say "Sure, we'll have kids... in a couple of years..." and then never allow it to happen. That does happen a lot. But if the guy says no to more kids now, and is really clear, thank him for being honest and then go take some time and be honest with yourself. I also ended up breaking up with my BF and then he, like a PP, got clear that he'd rather have me and a kid now than no me and a kid with someone else later. He's now an awesome father and is glad he made that decision, even though at the time (and through my pregnancy with DD) he had a really hard time.

OP if you strongly want kids, you probably need to part ways with this guy. Be honest with him about how you feel (since he's been honest with you), and if you haven't already told him how much spending time with his daughter makes you want kids even more strongly, you should tell him that. But you have to own your choices and not blame anyone else for them later if you end up regretting them.

Good luck OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the original poster - just to clarify, there won't be an oops baby. I'm 43, and won't be conceiving naturally. I froze my eggs at 38. My boyfriend is 42. His daughter lives out of state with her mother, and only visits boyfriend for one week at Spring Break, 6 weeks over summer, and one week at Christmas. At 43, I realize my age is a huge factor in having a child with any man, so that is why I'm concerned with giving up on a man with whom I'm already in a relationship and who is otherwise very good to me.

Which is more important to you--- a relationship with a man or a relationship with a child. You know this already-- at 43, if you separate from this man and start over, you'll probably be at least 45-46 before you've found someone else, gotten pregnant, and borne a child. It can be done, but as a 43 yr old mom of a 4 yr old, I can tell you I am tired at the end of the day. My 26 yr old SIL can run all day with her her 2 yr old.

You froze your eggs. Is being a single parent something you would consider?

[Anonymous]

OP here - I've considered having a child on my own, but it is not ideal, given my age (would have been easier to do when younger given all the work, and my finances - single income in DC area). I've always wanted a family consisting of a husband who is the father of my child.

To be very honest, I probably would be okay with not having a child at my current age if the man I were with were in the same boat - no child of his own. But, seeing and hearing about my current man's child is a reminder of what I am missing out on, and what I will be missing out on if I stay with him. It is also hard not sharing that bond with him and a direct, unending connection with his ex. I already resent him and this special relationship he has with someone who loves him unconditionally. I'm not sure how to stop the resentment.

[Anonymous]

I already resent him and this special relationship he has with someone who loves him unconditionally. I'm not sure how to stop the resentment.

I think you should end the relationship. Even if you did have a kid with this guy, it might not 'cure' this resentment/insecurity and then what--will you feel threatened when the daughter comes to stay and your boyfriend spends time with her rather than the baby you had together? etc? ? A parent-child relationship of unconditional love is a beautiful thing, and wholly different from romantic couple love. I find it a bit odd that you feel threatened by a 9 year old girl, who rarely sees her father. Blended families are a lot of work, even when you don't have such feelings.

I don't mean to be harsh. I know you're in a tough spot, given your age and desire to have a child. Honestly, sounds to me like you have to decide whether to have a child, or a boyfriend (and not necessarily this one). I'd go for the child, but it does mean putting child before everything else for a while. You won't have time or energy to date for a couple years, but the "pressure" might be off, too, in the sense that you're not trying to outsmart the clock. Maybe after raising your own kid for a couple years, you'd be in a better position to date someone who also had kids.

[Anonymous]

How old are you OP?
I ask because you seem quite immature. If a potential partner can't offer you what you feel you need, end it.
Don't settle. I'll be honest with you...he won't change his mind. I decided (after a week of teaching middle school) that I don't want children. That was 10 years ago and I have never and will never change my mind. I know what goes into raising children (I have worked as a nanny) and so does your BF. He is being smart and making the choice that's right for him. You should do the same.
How long have you been with this guy?

[Anonymous]

If you think a child will give you unconditional love, you're going to have a bad time.

[Anonymous]

OP, have you considered a sperm donor? I don't know your medical history, but 43 isn't necessarily too old to concieve naturally. I am currently 43 and pregnant naturally.

So that colors my response, but I'd leave him and pursue motherhood on my own. I have older dc as well and could not imagine life without them or my expected baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Despite the PPs experience, my advice is that you dump him. Even if you had an "oops" baby my guess is that your relationship would not survive the infant stage. Your boyfriend probably hates babies and being a full-time parent.

While I agree that OP should end this relationship, I can't imagine how you come to this conclusion. More likely, Boyfriend knows his own and his DC's wants and needs. He is communicating clear boundaries rather than stringing OP along telling her what she wants to hear. OP, let this relationship go.

[Anonymous]

^^^should have read entire thread before posting. 2156 said it much better.

[Anonymous]

If you resent him for his relationship with his child, something is seriously amiss. Your relationship cannot, and should not continue.

[Anonymous]

Hmmm.

Op, are you ready to have a child on your own?

You could stay with him, but try to get pregnant via a sperm donor. If it doesn't work, stay with him. If it does, tell him you're pregnant and break up with him.

[Anonymous]

OP, why did your boyfriend break up with his ex? I'm wondering because maybe having the child, and all the extra stress it put on their relationship, broke them up? And so he doesn't want to repeat that situation? (Just bringing it up because it does destroy many relationships)

I'm also concerned that he is so far from his child. Obviously there could be a whole story in there that adequately explains why this is the case, but not knowing more, I don't like when dads have minor children that they are not near to or very involved with. Because if he can split off from that child, he is capable of splitting off from your child.

I know you are getting older and want to get on with it, but I'm just wanting you to be sure you have good dad material! (not just good sperm material)

[Anonymous]

Children give unconditional love....but they take much more than they give. If you are looking to fill a void in your heart, seek therapy and fix yourself before having kids. I speak from experience.

And you need to realize that the resentment you feel is a sign that you need some work on yourself. Your BF doesn't even have shared custody and you are jealous of that bond?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Children give unconditional love....but they take much more than they give. If you are looking to fill a void in your heart, seek therapy and fix yourself before having kids. I speak from experience.

And you need to realize that the resentment you feel is a sign that you need some work on yourself. Your BF doesn't even have shared custody and you are jealous of that bond?

Meh, crappy advice.

This woman is 43 not 23. The "void" can mostly definitely be at this time one of not having children but having experienced all other kinds of relationships.

And it's natural to feel some resentment and jealousy towards people who have something you really want. It happens to everyone whether it's about kids or money or a house. It's how you act on that resentment that makes the difference.

As a single mom by choice I would suggest to the OP that she pursue another relationship or have children on her own. You will always regret not having children. You want them. It would be different if you never had the desire and still didn't.

Also, given the very few times your boyfriend sees his kid, know that your ex isn't really parenting but more like tolerating his kid a few times a eyar.