Single father boyfriend does not want child with me

[Anonymous]

I respect him for being honest with you. My husband lied about wanting children to get me to marry him. Believe me, you will resent him and his daughter if you don't have a child. Walk away.

[Anonymous]

Of you feel the need to have a child of you own, then you have to be true to yourself. It's a very primal instinct, and one that will most likely get stronger as years go by.
He's not the right one for you. I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I've considered having a child on my own, but it is not ideal, given my age (would have been easier to do when younger given all the work, and my finances - single income in DC area). I've always wanted a family consisting of a husband who is the father of my child.

To be very honest, I probably would be okay with not having a child at my current age if the man I were with were in the same boat - no child of his own. But, seeing and hearing about my current man's child is a reminder of what I am missing out on, and what I will be missing out on if I stay with him. It is also hard not sharing that bond with him and a direct, unending connection with his ex. I already resent him and this special relationship he has with someone who loves him unconditionally. I'm not sure how to stop the resentment.

I know what you mean OP. I felt that way about my now-husband. He had two kids from a previous marriage and was pretty sure he didn't want more. I kept fast forwarding to a future where holidays were spent with his kids/grandkids. I wasn't ok with that, even though I like his kids and have no resentment toward them--it was more about seeing what I wasn't going to have. In the end, he changed his mind and we had a child. I am currently pregnant with our second (that he talked me into!).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the original poster - just to clarify, there won't be an oops baby. I'm 43, and won't be conceiving naturally. I froze my eggs at 38. My boyfriend is 42. His daughter lives out of state with her mother, and only visits boyfriend for one week at Spring Break, 6 weeks over summer, and one week at Christmas. At 43, I realize my age is a huge factor in having a child with any man, so that is why I'm concerned with giving up on a man with whom I'm already in a relationship and who is otherwise very good to me.

I doubt he will change his mind. He does not really see the child he has very much -- he has all the best times with her now. Also, well, you can check out the thread about being older.
Is 41 too old to have a baby? Thee are reasons there that might be influencing his opinion.

[Anonymous]

Deal breaker. Believe him. And honor your desire to gave a child. No man is worth giving that up for, IMO.

[Anonymous]

You already feel you are in a three some with him and his DD, and you want to bring a baby he does not want into it? Yikes! 5-12 are the "golden years" of childhood, so he is enjoying that phase. He already knows about the harder baby-toddler phase. And the teen phase coming up soon. (no doubt he has heard about that /seen it) and does not want to go through it again. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

OP, what if you are unable to conceive? At 43 it can be tricky though it's certainly still possible. But there are no guarantees, as you know. But breaking up with him and looking to find someone else to have a child with is a risky proposition - I would do it on my own at this stage if the game rather than waiting for a new partner.

[Anonymous]

Btw you mention your BF treats you well but you don't mention any feelings you have for him. So, what are your feelings for the guy beyond potential sperm donor?

[Anonymous]

One more thing - he really doesn't see much of his kid. That doesn't reflect a doting dad.

[Anonymous]

Move on. You obviously felt strongly about having a child since you went to the trouble and expense of freezing your eggs. This buys you some time. Find someone with no children.

[Anonymous]

I know someone who was 42, in a relationship with a man who had a child from a previous relationship, and he also was against having more children. She ultimately decided to go with a sperm donor - didn't break up with her boyfriend during this time - and the first IUI from the sperm donor didn't take. The boyfriend decided he wanted to be the sperm donor after all

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Children give unconditional love....but they take much more than they give. If you are looking to fill a void in your heart, seek therapy and fix yourself before having kids. I speak from experience.

And you need to realize that the resentment you feel is a sign that you need some work on yourself. Your BF doesn't even have shared custody and you are jealous of that bond?

Meh, crappy advice.

This woman is 43 not 23. The "void" can mostly definitely be at this time one of not having children but having experienced all other kinds of relationships.

And it's natural to feel some resentment and jealousy towards people who have something you really want. It happens to everyone whether it's about kids or money or a house. It's how you act on that resentment that makes the difference.

As a single mom by choice I would suggest to the OP that she pursue another relationship or have children on her own. You will always regret not having children. You want them. It would be different if you never had the desire and still didn't.

Also, given the very few times your boyfriend sees his kid, know that your ex isn't really parenting but more like tolerating his kid a few times a eyar.

I'm not saying that she should have a child. But have a child because you want to have one...not to fill a void b.c no one has ever given you unconditional love. If you have a crappy family like I do...you need to work on healing yourself first. Maybe you misunderstood me.

And envy is different than resentment. Resentment leads to hatred. And sorry, it's not ok to resent your own possible stepdaughter. But it's understandable feeling envy if you want something like a baby.

[Anonymous]

He told you the truth. It's up to you to decide if it's a deal breaker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it is that important to you and he really doesn't want any more kids, it's best to end it sooner rather than later.

+1


However, do you know if you are able to have a child?

Do not trick him into having a child. Every child deserves to be wanted by both parents.

[Anonymous]

OP, here is a guy perspective.

I was single until 33 when I met my now-wife. She had been only divorced 1 year from a 14-year marriage (high school sweetheart). She had always assumed she was not going to have kids due to a medical condition and she had never considered kids. For me, kids was an absolute must. Not having kids was a deal-breaker. So before I proposed, we had several heart-to-heart talks, she knew my stance. I proposed and she knew that the caveat would be that we would have children (whether biological or adopted). She decided she wanted a life with me and with kids. We got married and ultimately had twins via donor egg IVF. We are very happy with our twins, but we both know that for us, as older parents, we are "two and through" The infant years were hard and while they are the joy of our lives and absolutely everything we could hope and dream for...we don't want anymore kids. If for some reason, I lost my wife and was looking for another partner, I would be in your boyfriend's position and would not want another child. It has nothing to do with you as a person or partner, or denying you a deep heartfelt desire. It comes from the fact that I know that I really don't have it in me to go through those infant and early toddler years again. Even a singleton is a lot of work. I would not be nearly as good a partner and father the next time around and I would not want to short change a child or partner by being a less involved father.

Unfortunately, despite your closeness in age, you two are at very different stages of your lives. He's a parent of a school-age child who is ready to put the parenting of young children behind him. You are still at the point where you desire a young child to go through those experiences that he's already past. You admit that you want to experience what he's had and that you feel that he is denying you the possibility of having that. But that's not true. He's being honest with you and giving you the information that you need. He is telling you that if you want a child, then he is not the partner for you. If your desire for a child is one that you can set aside and live without too much regret, then you can consider a future with him. If not, you need to find a future elsewhere. And since you have frozen eggs, it is not too late to part amicably and look for another partner who shares or at least supports your desires. You can find a partner who is a few years younger than you (I'm a few years younger than my wife) and with your frozen eggs, you can still have your dream, but you really need to come to terms with your desire and find out if your relationship with your boyfriend is more important to you than your desire for children.

Only you can make this decision from the information that he's given you. Good luck.