Single father boyfriend does not want child with me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, here is a guy perspective.

I was single until 33 when I met my now-wife. She had been only divorced 1 year from a 14-year marriage (high school sweetheart). She had always assumed she was not going to have kids due to a medical condition and she had never considered kids. For me, kids was an absolute must. Not having kids was a deal-breaker. So before I proposed, we had several heart-to-heart talks, she knew my stance. I proposed and she knew that the caveat would be that we would have children (whether biological or adopted). She decided she wanted a life with me and with kids. We got married and ultimately had twins via donor egg IVF. We are very happy with our twins, but we both know that for us, as older parents, we are "two and through" The infant years were hard and while they are the joy of our lives and absolutely everything we could hope and dream for...we don't want anymore kids. If for some reason, I lost my wife and was looking for another partner, I would be in your boyfriend's position and would not want another child. It has nothing to do with you as a person or partner, or denying you a deep heartfelt desire. It comes from the fact that I know that I really don't have it in me to go through those infant and early toddler years again. Even a singleton is a lot of work. I would not be nearly as good a partner and father the next time around and I would not want to short change a child or partner by being a less involved father.

Unfortunately, despite your closeness in age, you two are at very different stages of your lives. He's a parent of a school-age child who is ready to put the parenting of young children behind him. You are still at the point where you desire a young child to go through those experiences that he's already past. You admit that you want to experience what he's had and that you feel that he is denying you the possibility of having that. But that's not true. He's being honest with you and giving you the information that you need. He is telling you that if you want a child, then he is not the partner for you. If your desire for a child is one that you can set aside and live without too much regret, then you can consider a future with him. If not, you need to find a future elsewhere. And since you have frozen eggs, it is not too late to part amicably and look for another partner who shares or at least supports your desires. You can find a partner who is a few years younger than you (I'm a few years younger than my wife) and with your frozen eggs, you can still have your dream, but you really need to come to terms with your desire and find out if your relationship with your boyfriend is more important to you than your desire for children.

Only you can make this decision from the information that he's given you. Good luck.

Very well said, PP. I hope OP is still reading.

[Anonymous]

OP, other posters gave you really good advice. I will tell you that the desire to have children is so deep and primordial that no one - certainly no man - is worth giving that up for. You want a child. He does not. He is not wrong to not want any more children and he's doing the right thing for letting you know now vs. later. From the place of a wife whose husband wants kids less than she does, I will tell you that there is no getting over the heartbreak of not having children, or as many children as you want, and surviving with your love and respect for your partner intact.

[Anonymous]

OP here - the man with whom I'm in a relationship was married previously for over 10 years. His wife left him in 2013 and his divorce was finalized earlier this year. He took a job here in DC that he had been planning on taking while he was still married, and had he still been married, his then-wife and child would have accompanied him.

I would not ever trick a man or have an oops baby. Just not a good way to be, and not how I am.

Not sure if I can have a child, as I have never had the opportunity to try. There are not many guarantees in life, but I'm in good health and willing to do whatever is necessary to have a healthy child.

Also, I don't resent my boyfriend's daughter. I feel a lot of compassion for a child whose parents recently divorced and who is basically left behind with just one parent and separated by a long distance and long periods of time from the other parent.

In posting here, I was looking for any advice from any women/men who've really wanted a child, but had to forgo having one because they were in a relationship with someone who did not want more. How does one get past that disappointment and regret? And what substitutes are there for having a child of one's own? I already have a dog, but that cannot ever be the same. Thanks!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I've considered having a child on my own, but it is not ideal, given my age (would have been easier to do when younger given all the work, and my finances - single income in DC area). I've always wanted a family consisting of a husband who is the father of my child.

To be very honest, I probably would be okay with not having a child at my current age if the man I were with were in the same boat - no child of his own. But, seeing and hearing about my current man's child is a reminder of what I am missing out on, and what I will be missing out on if I stay with him. It is also hard not sharing that bond with him and a direct, unending connection with his ex. I already resent him and this special relationship he has with someone who loves him unconditionally. I'm not sure how to stop the resentment.

So who do you resent? The BF?

[Anonymous]

OP here - it is not so much resentment as feeling heartbreak from my boyfriend. Not sure if that is worth enduring or if it will go away/dissipate over time.

[Anonymous]

I understand exactly the feeling you are trying to describe. For me, it never went away but grew deeper and more hollow as the years passed. It is almost like a phantom physical ache while remembering a long ago injury. I don't think I will ever get over it. But having kids was an absolute deal breaker in my case and I would have left him if he had told me he didn't want kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - the man with whom I'm in a relationship was married previously for over 10 years. His wife left him in 2013 and his divorce was finalized earlier this year. He took a job here in DC that he had been planning on taking while he was still married, and had he still been married, his then-wife and child would have accompanied him.

I would not ever trick a man or have an oops baby. Just not a good way to be, and not how I am.

Not sure if I can have a child, as I have never had the opportunity to try. There are not many guarantees in life, but I'm in good health and willing to do whatever is necessary to have a healthy child.

Also, I don't resent my boyfriend's daughter. I feel a lot of compassion for a child whose parents recently divorced and who is basically left behind with just one parent and separated by a long distance and long periods of time from the other parent.

In posting here, I was looking for any advice from any women/men who've really wanted a child, but had to forgo having one because they were in a relationship with someone who did not want more. How does one get past that disappointment and regret? And what substitutes are there for having a child of one's own? I already have a dog, but that cannot ever be the same. Thanks!

You already know the answer.

You don't get past the disappointment and regret and there is no substitute for having your own child.

Reflect on this - you stay with current BF, married or not, and in 10 years, he leaves for whatever reason. You still long for a child but now you have missed the chance to get pregnant and adoption is now even harder. Think honestly - would you be hurt? resentful? wasted years?

You want kids and he doesn't. It happens. You are making the mistake in believing that there is no other man out there whom you could love and would love you AND would want to raise children.

Change is hard OP. It really is. But regret is much harder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the original poster - just to clarify, there won't be an oops baby. I'm 43, and won't be conceiving naturally. I froze my eggs at 38. My boyfriend is 42. His daughter lives out of state with her mother, and only visits boyfriend for one week at Spring Break, 6 weeks over summer, and one week at Christmas. At 43, I realize my age is a huge factor in having a child with any man, so that is why I'm concerned with giving up on a man with whom I'm already in a relationship and who is otherwise very good to me.

At your age, you would be lucky if those eggs worked. Personally, I'd stick with the man. If he's a good guy, spend your life with him and forget the kids. If you leave him, there is no guarantee that you will find a man in short order and bring those eggs to life.

I have friends who are 32 and single who have a hard time finding a good guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - the man with whom I'm in a relationship was married previously for over 10 years. His wife left him in 2013 and his divorce was finalized earlier this year. He took a job here in DC that he had been planning on taking while he was still married, and had he still been married, his then-wife and child would have accompanied him.

I would not ever trick a man or have an oops baby. Just not a good way to be, and not how I am.

Not sure if I can have a child, as I have never had the opportunity to try. There are not many guarantees in life, but I'm in good health and willing to do whatever is necessary to have a healthy child.

Also, I don't resent my boyfriend's daughter. I feel a lot of compassion for a child whose parents recently divorced and who is basically left behind with just one parent and separated by a long distance and long periods of time from the other parent.

In posting here, I was looking for any advice from any women/men who've really wanted a child, but had to forgo having one because they were in a relationship with someone who did not want more. How does one get past that disappointment and regret? And what substitutes are there for having a child of one's own? I already have a dog, but that cannot ever be the same. Thanks!

You already know the answer.

You don't get past the disappointment and regret and there is no substitute for having your own child.

Reflect on this - you stay with current BF, married or not, and in 10 years, he leaves for whatever reason. You still long for a child but now you have missed the chance to get pregnant and adoption is now even harder. Think honestly - would you be hurt? resentful? wasted years?

You want kids and he doesn't. It happens. You are making the mistake in believing that there is no other man out there whom you could love and would love you AND would want to raise children.

Change is hard OP. It really is. But regret is much harder.

The OP is FOURTY THREE YEARS OLD. Do you think she can dump this guy, find a new one, get him to marry her, and agree to get her pregnant via IVF, all before menopause starts to kick in? Get real here folks. Finding a spouse is not like searching under the couch cushions for some coins.

Men in in their 40s in DC are not lined up to get married.

[Anonymous]

It isn't all about you...sorry.

So either bail out now and try to find a willing partner. Or live happily ever after being part of this man's life without any kids of your own.

[Anonymous]

OP,

"You can't always get what you want." That is not meant to be mean or hurtful, just an eyeopener. I recently miscarried and I had to choose: try again and risk the pain of it happening again or don't try and don't risk the pain. I chose NOT to try again. I don't want to be one of those women whose actions are guided by guilt or a biological imperative. Believe me, I understand, but you have to look at your life and see it as complete or not. IVF isn't a guarantee, nor is it cheap.

Even if you are able to have a child, think of the child. It will grow up without a father. Don't be selfish. A child really does need two parents to love it.

Besides, what happens (God forbid) to the child if something happens to you? You really need to think about that.

[Anonymous]

OP here - thanks for the advice. This posting and the replies and advice I received here made me reconsider the whole relationship and whether it is good. Last night, my boyfriend admitted that if his ex-wife called him and said she'd made a mistake in ending their marriage, that he'd go back to her, particularly since they have a child together. So, I don't even have the kind of loyalty or care that one needs to sustain a relationship, let alone a marriage and a child with this man. And yes, it is not all about me, and life is not fair, but everyone in a decent committed relationship deserves trust.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thanks for the advice. This posting and the replies and advice I received here made me reconsider the whole relationship and whether it is good. Last night, my boyfriend admitted that if his ex-wife called him and said she'd made a mistake in ending their marriage, that he'd go back to her, particularly since they have a child together. So, I don't even have the kind of loyalty or care that one needs to sustain a relationship, let alone a marriage and a child with this man. And yes, it is not all about me, and life is not fair, but everyone in a decent committed relationship deserves trust.

I'm sorry, OP. That stinks.

[Anonymous]

Damn. Sorry, OP.

I hope you can find someone new.

By the way, you might try leaving DC for an area where you would be more "competitive" on the dating market. This would probably mean settling a bit, but this is what a lot of women in your position do.

It's tough tough to have to go from being chased, and having the luxury of being able to be offended by catcalls, to suddenly feeling like an over the hill third wheel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, here is a guy perspective.

I was single until 33 when I met my now-wife. She had been only divorced 1 year from a 14-year marriage (high school sweetheart). She had always assumed she was not going to have kids due to a medical condition and she had never considered kids. For me, kids was an absolute must. Not having kids was a deal-breaker. So before I proposed, we had several heart-to-heart talks, she knew my stance. I proposed and she knew that the caveat would be that we would have children (whether biological or adopted). She decided she wanted a life with me and with kids. We got married and ultimately had twins via donor egg IVF. We are very happy with our twins, but we both know that for us, as older parents, we are "two and through" The infant years were hard and while they are the joy of our lives and absolutely everything we could hope and dream for...we don't want anymore kids. If for some reason, I lost my wife and was looking for another partner, I would be in your boyfriend's position and would not want another child. It has nothing to do with you as a person or partner, or denying you a deep heartfelt desire. It comes from the fact that I know that I really don't have it in me to go through those infant and early toddler years again. Even a singleton is a lot of work. I would not be nearly as good a partner and father the next time around and I would not want to short change a child or partner by being a less involved father.

Unfortunately, despite your closeness in age, you two are at very different stages of your lives. He's a parent of a school-age child who is ready to put the parenting of young children behind him. You are still at the point where you desire a young child to go through those experiences that he's already past. You admit that you want to experience what he's had and that you feel that he is denying you the possibility of having that. But that's not true. He's being honest with you and giving you the information that you need. He is telling you that if you want a child, then he is not the partner for you. If your desire for a child is one that you can set aside and live without too much regret, then you can consider a future with him. If not, you need to find a future elsewhere. And since you have frozen eggs, it is not too late to part amicably and look for another partner who shares or at least supports your desires. You can find a partner who is a few years younger than you (I'm a few years younger than my wife) and with your frozen eggs, you can still have your dream, but you really need to come to terms with your desire and find out if your relationship with your boyfriend is more important to you than your desire for children.

Only you can make this decision from the information that he's given you. Good luck.

Very well said, PP. I hope OP is still reading.

+1