Husband plans going to a strip club but telling me he isn't

[Anonymous]

I think I'm more old-fashioned than other PPs. I'd be upset just like OP. For two reasons, the first, that I thought my DH was on the same page as me re strip clubs, and the second (and more importantly), about the lying.

Due to a pre-marriage event, we have a pre-marital deal that my DH won't go to strip clubs (which he's fine with, he finds them embarrassing anyways).

The problem in this situation is your DH is the guy in charge of the party.

Ok the lying, I think you can separate this out here and work on it. I think it's the easier of the two things to deal with (I see how this thing could have morphed into a situation where he started lying, so I don't think it's the end of the world, but you guys have to reestablish that honesty trumps his fear of you getting mad at him).
But his paramount loyalty should be with you, not his friend, and that's why I can see OP getting upset.

I'd have a calm discussion with him and possibly, put up front that you're tabling the "what to do about this party" discussion until after this discussion about reestablishing your lines of honest communication, trust, and loyalty.

Now what to do with the party. It's in July…he can hand it over to someone else to plan. You will need to give him permission to throw you under the bus. He can laugh and just say he's got a ball-n-chain and she's highly pregnant and hormonal and that's just the way it's gotta be. Or he can bow out later due to your pregnancy and put someone else in charge. Or he goes but excuses himself. There might be some other solution; see what HE can come up with.

[Anonymous]

onestly, the lying would bother me the most.

I don't like strip clubs, for a variety of reasons, but if my husband went because it was part of a bachelor party, I'd probably say once that I wasn't crazy about it but that I understood, and trusted him not to cross any lines. But if he lied about it? I'd be super pissed.

OP here, exactly!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

onestly, the lying would bother me the most.

I don't like strip clubs, for a variety of reasons, but if my husband went because it was part of a bachelor party, I'd probably say once that I wasn't crazy about it but that I understood, and trusted him not to cross any lines. But if he lied about it? I'd be super pissed.

OP here, exactly!

Op. I don't have a problem with strip clubs but I do agree that the lying here is a big problem. In all honesty, if you want some good advice from this forum, I'd consider deleting this topic and posting a new one specifically talking about the lying. People here get pretty hung on the whole strip club issue, but for you, lying seems to be the biggest problem. In all honesty, I'd tell your husband you came across the email. You have his password so he knows you have access to it. If you're this upset by it (and lets be honest with increased pregnancy hormones as the months go by as well as keeping it inside, it will just get worse) I see no reason to call your husband out on it. I understand the pressure from him by his friends (my brother recently went through this as a best man) and him wanting to please the groom, etc. I'm going to get off track so I'll finish up by saying, confront him just about the strip club issue since that was what you agreed on. Don't make it about your self esteem, don't bring up the casino (honestly he'll see half naked girls at most bars), and don't bring up any thoughts of him not being faithful. Just have a conversation about the fact that he said he wouldn't go to a strip club and now he is. If he's a good and reasonable husband, he'll figure out a way around the strip club.

[Anonymous]

woops should say I see no reason NOT to call your husband out on it.

[Anonymous]

The problem in this situation is your DH is the guy in charge of the party.

Ok the lying, I think you can separate this out here and work on it. I think it's the easier of the two things to deal with (I see how this thing could have morphed into a situation where he started lying, so I don't think it's the end of the world, but you guys have to reestablish that honesty trumps his fear of you getting mad at him).
But his paramount loyalty should be with you, not his friend, and that's why I can see OP getting upset.

I'd have a calm discussion with him and possibly, put up front that you're tabling the "what to do about this party" discussion until after this discussion about reestablishing your lines of honest communication, trust, and loyalty.

Now what to do with the party. It's in July…he can hand it over to someone else to plan. You will need to give him permission to throw you under the bus. He can laugh and just say he's got a ball-n-chain and she's highly pregnant and hormonal and that's just the way it's gotta be. Or he can bow out later due to your pregnancy and put someone else in charge. Or he goes but excuses himself. There might be some other solution; see what HE can come up with.

OP here, I totally agree with you on why this turned into a situation that he "had" to start lying about. He TOTALLY has my permission to use me as an excuse not to go! I really wish he could just sit that part out. But it looks like he is not going to and thus is hiding it from me, it really hurts. I don't want him to not plan the weekend or not go at all, I don't want to be like that. I think he will just end up resenting me. My sister told me to tell him again how I don't like it but that I realize he will be under pressure to go and I'd rather him not lie about it and trust that he will not cross any lines and loves me. Unfortunately, I am worried about something else happening just because they will all be drunk, and the peer pressure, etc. but I think that she's right in that it will make it harder for him to cross any lines if I tell him I trust him.

[Anonymous]

Op. I don't have a problem with strip clubs but I do agree that the lying here is a big problem. In all honesty, if you want some good advice from this forum, I'd consider deleting this topic and posting a new one specifically talking about the lying. People here get pretty hung on the whole strip club issue, but for you, lying seems to be the biggest problem. In all honesty, I'd tell your husband you came across the email. You have his password so he knows you have access to it. If you're this upset by it (and lets be honest with increased pregnancy hormones as the months go by as well as keeping it inside, it will just get worse) I see no reason to call your husband out on it. I understand the pressure from him by his friends (my brother recently went through this as a best man) and him wanting to please the groom, etc. I'm going to get off track so I'll finish up by saying, confront him just about the strip club issue since that was what you agreed on. Don't make it about your self esteem, don't bring up the casino (honestly he'll see half naked girls at most bars), and don't bring up any thoughts of him not being faithful. Just have a conversation about the fact that he said he wouldn't go to a strip club and now he is. If he's a good and reasonable husband, he'll figure out a way around the strip club.

OP here This is what I want to do. But wonder if my sisters advice is a better idea. UGH

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

The problem in this situation is your DH is the guy in charge of the party.

Ok the lying, I think you can separate this out here and work on it. I think it's the easier of the two things to deal with (I see how this thing could have morphed into a situation where he started lying, so I don't think it's the end of the world, but you guys have to reestablish that honesty trumps his fear of you getting mad at him).
But his paramount loyalty should be with you, not his friend, and that's why I can see OP getting upset.

I'd have a calm discussion with him and possibly, put up front that you're tabling the "what to do about this party" discussion until after this discussion about reestablishing your lines of honest communication, trust, and loyalty.

Now what to do with the party. It's in July…he can hand it over to someone else to plan. You will need to give him permission to throw you under the bus. He can laugh and just say he's got a ball-n-chain and she's highly pregnant and hormonal and that's just the way it's gotta be. Or he can bow out later due to your pregnancy and put someone else in charge. Or he goes but excuses himself. There might be some other solution; see what HE can come up with.

OP here, I totally agree with you on why this turned into a situation that he "had" to start lying about. He TOTALLY has my permission to use me as an excuse not to go! I really wish he could just sit that part out. But it looks like he is not going to and thus is hiding it from me, it really hurts. I don't want him to not plan the weekend or not go at all, I don't want to be like that. I think he will just end up resenting me. My sister told me to tell him again how I don't like it but that I realize he will be under pressure to go and I'd rather him not lie about it and trust that he will not cross any lines and loves me. Unfortunately, I am worried about something else happening just because they will all be drunk, and the peer pressure, etc. but I think that she's right in that it will make it harder for him to cross any lines if I tell him I trust him.

OP, you created this situation. He will end up resenting you, and that will lead to more lying to you. Do you have a reason to be worried about "something else happening"? Has your husband cheated on you before?

[Anonymous]

No way. Bring it up now. It's very fair of you to say that you're not okay with sitting home with the toddler eight months pregnant while he is at a strip club.

What makes this worse is that he is planning it. It's one thing if it guy is it a bachelors party with 20 people going from place to place it happens include a strip club. But he has the power to take that out of the itinerary.

[Anonymous]

Bring it up now. He can still go away for the weekend, but sit the strip club out. Can stay in the hotel room, can play some table games, have a drink, whatever. For all you (and he know) there are other guys who will join him and opt out of the strip club part.

I'd just bring it up calmly and non accusatory (it will make him defensive if you are) and ask him what the plans are for the bachelor party. If he leaves out the strip club part, just ask him.

Sure, he might resent you for calling him out on his lie and his friends might rag him for it, but I think it is much better than you resenting him for lying. Him being mad/annoyed that he got caught lying is much easier to get over than you knowing he's openly lying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is the best man and planning the bachelor party, and the groom wants strippers at the bachelor party, ergo, there will be strippers at the bachelor party. Not about you.

Agree. My DH went to his brother in laws bachelor party while I was pregnant. Told me all about it. Not a big deal. Not about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is the best man and planning the bachelor party, and the groom wants strippers at the bachelor party, ergo, there will be strippers at the bachelor party. Not about you.

Agree. My DH went to his brother in laws bachelor party while I was pregnant. Told me all about it. Not a big deal. Not about you.

Sorry I should clarify that a strip club was involved!

[Anonymous]

OP, there is something a lot of women don't seem to realize. Men are more likely to get drunk and cheat on you with a women they meet at a bar. So you're hung up on something happening because they will be drunk, but that something happening is more likely at a bar with his friends than a strip club for his bachelor party. I also don't believe that being drunk somehow makes someone more likely to cheat. Sure, they might have the added confidence, but it doesn't all of a sudden pop into their head "hey I think I'll cheat on my spouse!". It is something they were already considering.

The tight leash part really stuck out for me. Have there been problems in the past? It seems like there already is some distrust here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is the best man and planning the bachelor party, and the groom wants strippers at the bachelor party, ergo, there will be strippers at the bachelor party. Not about you.

Agree. My DH went to his brother in laws bachelor party while I was pregnant. Told me all about it. Not a big deal. Not about you.

Sorry I should clarify that a strip club was involved!

Same but my DH was the best man in his best friend's wedding and I had a one month old at home. Sure, not feeling 100% confident about my body, but I was 100% confident that my husband would be faithful to me. Plus, I'm not really bothered by the idea of his looking at/checking out other women. It sounds like you have previous trust issues within your relationship though, so that changes things a bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, there is something a lot of women don't seem to realize. Men are more likely to get drunk and cheat on you with a women they meet at a bar. So you're hung up on something happening because they will be drunk, but that something happening is more likely at a bar with his friends than a strip club for his bachelor party. I also don't believe that being drunk somehow makes someone more likely to cheat. Sure, they might have the added confidence, but it doesn't all of a sudden pop into their head "hey I think I'll cheat on my spouse!". It is something they were already considering.

The tight leash part really stuck out for me. Have there been problems in the past? It seems like there already is some distrust here.

Totally agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've never done this before, but I think this is a troll. You had me until you said you DH was agreeing to attend a weekend long bachelor party when you were either 8+ months pregnant or you had a newborn. That just seems to push it over the top.

If this is real, the. I can offer no advice because I see nothing wrong with strip clubs. If you and your DH were on the same page for this then I don't see why he just wouldn't participate in this one activity and join up with them after. Obviously you and he aren't on the same page.

+1

The whole bit about either 8 mths pregnant or 1 month postpartum? Crazy, no matter what the kooky logic behind that reasoning.