Husband plans going to a strip club but telling me he isn't

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:16:25, DH went away for a long weekend while DS was one month old. It was something planned long in advance and was a celebration welcoming home a friend from Afghanistan. And when DH returned, he encouraged me to take nights off, go out with my friends, and when I felt able to, have a girls weekend. Not every man doesn't understand the different dynamics of dad with a baby and mom with a baby. I guess I just lucked out and found one that understood my feelings as well.

I think it is unfair to be mad at her husband because he has a guys weekend. It is only unfair if her husband never let her have a girls weekend when she wanted to/was ready.

Well good for you, PP. But I dare say welcoming home a friend from war is far different than abandoning a woman with two babies at home while he goes to strip clubs, casinos and get drunk. Don't ya think? And then he lied about it, because he didn't want to deal with the aftermath. A toddler and a newborn are also far different than a 1 month old. Nowhere did I read her husband has returned the favor. I could be wrong....I'm sure she gets out for fun night with the girls all the time!

ic.
Come on now....spare the drama. He is the best man in a wedding!!! Should he tell the groom (who I assume is family or close friend) that he is blowing him off because his wife does not like the activities or because his wife does not want him out of the house? Sure, marriage and parenthood is an obligation that requires responsibility and communication. It is NOT a prison sentence or supervised probation. She should address the lying, but the abandonment theory is looney.

Prison sentence? Check yourself on the drama... I think not. I assume he knew exactly what she was going to say and how she felt about it or he wouldn't have LIED. He knows well what they agreed upon. He claims he doesn't really want to go anyway, and says he will not. Then, tells his buddies to keep it on the down low. Yah, not shady at all. I never said he shouldn't leave the house or go away on trips, ect. But the situation at hand, is pathetic. His timing is impeccable. She is being left at home to play house, while he is out to "play". Plain and simple.

You are doing what the OP is doing and mixing issues here. I said that she should address the lying. And if the strip club is objectionable, then she should address that to. But the PP (I assume it is you) said that DH would be "abandoning" his wife by going to a bachelor's weekend for someone that he is the best man for. Then you went on to mention 2 things that are not the "strip club" activities that the OP says she objects to. I think that is dramatic. He is not abandoning her. He is doing what best men do around wedding time - going to have a good time with the groom. In looking back, OP probably wishes that she had persuaded him not to be the guy's best man.

[Anonymous]

Why can't some people not be okay with strip clubs without being called uptight or similarly? Just because it's the norm now does not mean op has to accept it. In any other setting, paying a stranger family money to be naked would be inappropriate.

As far as going out when you have the two kids, I say do the same. Get your own weekend to have time for yourself and leave the kids with your husband.

If he went ahead and went to the strip club, I would be tempted to go to a women's club and have hot guys arouse me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:16:25, DH went away for a long weekend while DS was one month old. It was something planned long in advance and was a celebration welcoming home a friend from Afghanistan. And when DH returned, he encouraged me to take nights off, go out with my friends, and when I felt able to, have a girls weekend. Not every man doesn't understand the different dynamics of dad with a baby and mom with a baby. I guess I just lucked out and found one that understood my feelings as well.

I think it is unfair to be mad at her husband because he has a guys weekend. It is only unfair if her husband never let her have a girls weekend when she wanted to/was ready.

Well good for you, PP. But I dare say welcoming home a friend from war is far different than abandoning a woman with two babies at home while he goes to strip clubs, casinos and get drunk. Don't ya think? And then he lied about it, because he didn't want to deal with the aftermath. A toddler and a newborn are also far different than a 1 month old. Nowhere did I read her husband has returned the favor. I could be wrong....I'm sure she gets out for fun night with the girls all the time!

ic.
Come on now....spare the drama. He is the best man in a wedding!!! Should he tell the groom (who I assume is family or close friend) that he is blowing him off because his wife does not like the activities or because his wife does not want him out of the house? Sure, marriage and parenthood is an obligation that requires responsibility and communication. It is NOT a prison sentence or supervised probation. She should address the lying, but the abandonment theory is looney.

Prison sentence? Check yourself on the drama... I think not. I assume he knew exactly what she was going to say and how she felt about it or he wouldn't have LIED. He knows well what they agreed upon. He claims he doesn't really want to go anyway, and says he will not. Then, tells his buddies to keep it on the down low. Yah, not shady at all. I never said he shouldn't leave the house or go away on trips, ect. But the situation at hand, is pathetic. His timing is impeccable. She is being left at home to play house, while he is out to "play". Plain and simple.

You are doing what the OP is doing and mixing issues here. I said that she should address the lying. And if the strip club is objectionable, then she should address that to. But the PP (I assume it is you) said that DH would be "abandoning" his wife by going to a bachelor's weekend for someone that he is the best man for. Then you went on to mention 2 things that are not the "strip club" activities that the OP says she objects to. I think that is dramatic. He is not abandoning her. He is doing what best men do around wedding time - going to have a good time with the groom. In looking back, OP probably wishes that she had persuaded him not to be the guy's best man.

I'm the PP you are responding to, and I agree with everything you said until the bolded. I think OP wants him to have a good time with his buddies. She made it clear the strip club shouldn't be part of it. Go to bars, casino, whatever. Why must he go there, if it means so much to her? That is one issue. And like you said, there are several issues at play here. Only OP knows which ones are objectionable.
Sorry, in my eyes, leaving either spouse with a newborn (especially if she is recovering from birth) is abandoning her, if she asked him to stay to help out.
a·ban·don (-bndn)
tr.v. a·ban·doned, a·ban·don·ing, a·ban·dons
1. To withdraw one's support or help from, especially in spite of duty, allegiance, or responsibility.

He is a parent now. Not a bachelor. It is his duty to take care of his wife and child. It is not his duty to party like it's 1999.

[Anonymous]

the only sure thing that has actually happened is that OP has snooped through his email

he could have still very well backed out on the strip club when the time came

[Anonymous]

Wasn't this subject done to death a year ago?

We all know where we stand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Any bets on how many pages this thread will be?

8

[Anonymous]

UPDATE, OP here

I talked to my husband last night. It wasn't a fight. It was pretty much the exact same discussion we had before except with him trying to convince me that the texts didn't mean he was going to go to the club with them. And yes, he admitted to lying about the strip clubs not being mentioned because he "didn't want to have THIS conversation with me" and so I "wouldn't worry" and wouldn't think he was "planning a weekend with a strip club included" or "compromise the whole weekend". Here's what the texts I read said: (BTW he was only slightly miffed that I snooped in his texts because he has done the same to me and we pretty much have each other's permission to because there should be nothing to hide. He had deleted parts of the conversation but not before I read it- oops).

Friend: How's the bach party plans coming?
Husband:Sort of stalled on plans think (Groom) just wants something localish to DC need to call him and firm it up...he was thinking outdoorsy drunk fest in west va?
Friend:Yea man, set up a cabin or something and we'll get fd up and gamble.
Husband:Yup....he (groom) also mentioned the choice selection of clubs over there...clothesless lady clubs
Frienderfect.
Husband:Gotta keep those clubs on the way way down low bro!

So, I question him, of course. To me, it sounded like it's in the plan, they are all in, just don't let my wife find out. I told him I know these guys and know for a fact that strip club going to come up. So, why lie to protect them? I don't care if they go, I care if HE goes. Plus, it's less suspicious to me to know it was brought up and even if it's part of the plans because I KNOW these guys would bring it up. Just as long as I know he is still not participating, especially behind my back! And he is the one that mentioned it in the text (he says the other guy brought it up previously that they can't have a bach party for groom w/o one...) So, I also want to know why the camping has to be in a location where the groom mentioned clubs? Apparently the groom mentioned the clubs in reference to his 40th bday party (which I also heard him talking about) and not in reference to bach party plans. So, no, the texts don't prove he was going to go. He assured me just as he had before that he has no interest and if those guys go he won't and doesn't want to see anybody naked except for me, etc, etc. I mentioned again that I know they will give him a hard time for not going and try to talk him into it and that even though I still do NOT like it, if he is contemplating going just to appease them then PLEASE at least tell me. He said he would do that.

I do want him to go have a good time. These are friends he has had since middle school, they all live across the country but still keep in touch. (They are all 40ish btw). And most get togethers include the wives and fiances and we all get along great. The timing just stinks for us with the baby and I am the one stuck home without his help but it's okay because he isn't normally just one to skip out whenever he can. He knows that and knows my issue is just with him going to the strip club and more importantly him being honest with me. I DO get why in his mind it was better just to keep the whole topic from me but it's just stupid because like I said, I KNEW it would come up so that makes it all the more suspicious.

I feel better after talking to him. I still question his intentions and think that he was actually including it in the plans by the texts. But, I just have to let it go and trust him to be honest with me and hopefully be respectful and simply sit that part out. It's not too much to ask and he feels the same way I do about it being disrespectful and also does not want me to be around a bunch of hot, naked, dancing men. I told him he can use me for an excuse to his buddies all he wants, I don't care. Those guys know me and know that I am not a bitch or anything. Chances are the groom won't care if they don't go because he can go to them whenever he wants. I just REALLY hope my husband respects my wishes and sticks to what he said but I especially want him to be honest and not do it behind my back. We shall see.

[Anonymous]

ok so now that you've talked about it and its out in the open, why dont you really question why you need to monopolize your husband's entire sexuality?

assuming you dont question his faithfulness, what is this really about?

is he "allowed" to look at porn?

is he "allowed" to look at a Sports Illustrated swim suit issue?

is he "allowed" to look at a woman walking down the street?

is he "allowed" to look at cheerleaders at a football game?

is he "allowed" to be aware of any other female on the planet and perhaps consider that they may be sexual beings?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:UPDATE, OP here

I talked to my husband last night. It wasn't a fight. It was pretty much the exact same discussion we had before except with him trying to convince me that the texts didn't mean he was going to go to the club with them. And yes, he admitted to lying about the strip clubs not being mentioned because he "didn't want to have THIS conversation with me" and so I "wouldn't worry" and wouldn't think he was "planning a weekend with a strip club included" or "compromise the whole weekend". Here's what the texts I read said: (BTW he was only slightly miffed that I snooped in his texts because he has done the same to me and we pretty much have each other's permission to because there should be nothing to hide. He had deleted parts of the conversation but not before I read it- oops).

Friend: How's the bach party plans coming?
Husband:Sort of stalled on plans think (Groom) just wants something localish to DC need to call him and firm it up...he was thinking outdoorsy drunk fest in west va?
Friend:Yea man, set up a cabin or something and we'll get fd up and gamble.
Husband:Yup....he (groom) also mentioned the choice selection of clubs over there...clothesless lady clubs
Frienderfect.
Husband:Gotta keep those clubs on the way way down low bro!

So, I question him, of course. To me, it sounded like it's in the plan, they are all in, just don't let my wife find out. I told him I know these guys and know for a fact that strip club going to come up. So, why lie to protect them? I don't care if they go, I care if HE goes. Plus, it's less suspicious to me to know it was brought up and even if it's part of the plans because I KNOW these guys would bring it up. Just as long as I know he is still not participating, especially behind my back! And he is the one that mentioned it in the text (he says the other guy brought it up previously that they can't have a bach party for groom w/o one...) So, I also want to know why the camping has to be in a location where the groom mentioned clubs? Apparently the groom mentioned the clubs in reference to his 40th bday party (which I also heard him talking about) and not in reference to bach party plans. So, no, the texts don't prove he was going to go. He assured me just as he had before that he has no interest and if those guys go he won't and doesn't want to see anybody naked except for me, etc, etc. I mentioned again that I know they will give him a hard time for not going and try to talk him into it and that even though I still do NOT like it, if he is contemplating going just to appease them then PLEASE at least tell me. He said he would do that.

I do want him to go have a good time. These are friends he has had since middle school, they all live across the country but still keep in touch. (They are all 40ish btw). And most get togethers include the wives and fiances and we all get along great. The timing just stinks for us with the baby and I am the one stuck home without his help but it's okay because he isn't normally just one to skip out whenever he can. He knows that and knows my issue is just with him going to the strip club and more importantly him being honest with me. I DO get why in his mind it was better just to keep the whole topic from me but it's just stupid because like I said, I KNEW it would come up so that makes it all the more suspicious.

I feel better after talking to him. I still question his intentions and think that he was actually including it in the plans by the texts. But, I just have to let it go and trust him to be honest with me and hopefully be respectful and simply sit that part out. It's not too much to ask and he feels the same way I do about it being disrespectful and also does not want me to be around a bunch of hot, naked, dancing men. I told him he can use me for an excuse to his buddies all he wants, I don't care. Those guys know me and know that I am not a bitch or anything. Chances are the groom won't care if they don't go because he can go to them whenever he wants. I just REALLY hope my husband respects my wishes and sticks to what he said but I especially want him to be honest and not do it behind my back. We shall see.

You.are.exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:16:25, DH went away for a long weekend while DS was one month old. It was something planned long in advance and was a celebration welcoming home a friend from Afghanistan. And when DH returned, he encouraged me to take nights off, go out with my friends, and when I felt able to, have a girls weekend. Not every man doesn't understand the different dynamics of dad with a baby and mom with a baby. I guess I just lucked out and found one that understood my feelings as well.

I think it is unfair to be mad at her husband because he has a guys weekend. It is only unfair if her husband never let her have a girls weekend when she wanted to/was ready.

Well good for you, PP. But I dare say welcoming home a friend from war is far different than abandoning a woman with two babies at home while he goes to strip clubs, casinos and get drunk. Don't ya think? And then he lied about it, because he didn't want to deal with the aftermath. A toddler and a newborn are also far different than a 1 month old. Nowhere did I read her husband has returned the favor. I could be wrong....I'm sure she gets out for fun night with the girls all the time!

ic.
Come on now....spare the drama. He is the best man in a wedding!!! Should he tell the groom (who I assume is family or close friend) that he is blowing him off because his wife does not like the activities or because his wife does not want him out of the house? Sure, marriage and parenthood is an obligation that requires responsibility and communication. It is NOT a prison sentence or supervised probation. She should address the lying, but the abandonment theory is looney.

Prison sentence? Check yourself on the drama... I think not. I assume he knew exactly what she was going to say and how she felt about it or he wouldn't have LIED. He knows well what they agreed upon. He claims he doesn't really want to go anyway, and says he will not. Then, tells his buddies to keep it on the down low. Yah, not shady at all. I never said he shouldn't leave the house or go away on trips, ect. But the situation at hand, is pathetic. His timing is impeccable. She is being left at home to play house, while he is out to "play". Plain and simple.

You are doing what the OP is doing and mixing issues here. I said that she should address the lying. And if the strip club is objectionable, then she should address that to. But the PP (I assume it is you) said that DH would be "abandoning" his wife by going to a bachelor's weekend for someone that he is the best man for. Then you went on to mention 2 things that are not the "strip club" activities that the OP says she objects to. I think that is dramatic. He is not abandoning her. He is doing what best men do around wedding time - going to have a good time with the groom. In looking back, OP probably wishes that she had persuaded him not to be the guy's best man.

I'm the PP you are responding to, and I agree with everything you said until the bolded. I think OP wants him to have a good time with his buddies. She made it clear the strip club shouldn't be part of it. Go to bars, casino, whatever. Why must he go there, if it means so much to her? That is one issue. And like you said, there are several issues at play here. Only OP knows which ones are objectionable.
Sorry, in my eyes, leaving either spouse with a newborn (especially if she is recovering from birth) is abandoning her, if she asked him to stay to help out.
a·ban·don (-bndn)
tr.v. a·ban·doned, a·ban·don·ing, a·ban·dons
1. To withdraw one's support or help from, especially in spite of duty, allegiance, or responsibility.

He is a parent now. Not a bachelor. It is his duty to take care of his wife and child. It is not his duty to party like it's 1999.

PP here. I see your point. But I was making the assumption that this is a unique situation - he is a best man in a wedding and that does not happen often. If he was hanging out with the boys every weekend or on a frequent routine basis, I would agree that he is abandoning her. But a "once in a while" weekend based on the fact that he is the best man is not a deal breaker to me.

[Anonymous]

ok so now that you've talked about it and its out in the open, why dont you really question why you need to monopolize your husband's entire sexuality?

assuming you dont question his faithfulness, what is this really about?

is he "allowed" to look at porn?

is he "allowed" to look at a Sports Illustrated swim suit issue?

is he "allowed" to look at a woman walking down the street?

is he "allowed" to look at cheerleaders at a football game?

is he "allowed" to be aware of any other female on the planet and perhaps consider that they may be sexual beings?

The issue isn't about you and I agreeing on what we find disrespectful and what is okay. NO, I don't appreciate him looking at other women and he doesn't appreciate me looking at other men. Period. Yes, we are both human and sexual beings. I see other men that I find attractive. I am sure he has found other women attractive and when I am not with him he probably does look at women that he wouldn't otherwise gawk at in front of me. We have watched porn together. But each couple has their own guidelines and ideas of what is okay and what is not. For the most part he and I are on the same page and have mutual feelings about how much we care about who or what the other is looking at.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:UPDATE, OP here

I talked to my husband last night. It wasn't a fight. It was pretty much the exact same discussion we had before except with him trying to convince me that the texts didn't mean he was going to go to the club with them. And yes, he admitted to lying about the strip clubs not being mentioned because he "didn't want to have THIS conversation with me" and so I "wouldn't worry" and wouldn't think he was "planning a weekend with a strip club included" or "compromise the whole weekend". Here's what the texts I read said: (BTW he was only slightly miffed that I snooped in his texts because he has done the same to me and we pretty much have each other's permission to because there should be nothing to hide. He had deleted parts of the conversation but not before I read it- oops).

Friend: How's the bach party plans coming?
Husband:Sort of stalled on plans think (Groom) just wants something localish to DC need to call him and firm it up...he was thinking outdoorsy drunk fest in west va?
Friend:Yea man, set up a cabin or something and we'll get fd up and gamble.
Husband:Yup....he (groom) also mentioned the choice selection of clubs over there...clothesless lady clubs
Frienderfect.
Husband:Gotta keep those clubs on the way way down low bro!

So, I question him, of course. To me, it sounded like it's in the plan, they are all in, just don't let my wife find out. I told him I know these guys and know for a fact that strip club going to come up. So, why lie to protect them? I don't care if they go, I care if HE goes. Plus, it's less suspicious to me to know it was brought up and even if it's part of the plans because I KNOW these guys would bring it up. Just as long as I know he is still not participating, especially behind my back! And he is the one that mentioned it in the text (he says the other guy brought it up previously that they can't have a bach party for groom w/o one...) So, I also want to know why the camping has to be in a location where the groom mentioned clubs? Apparently the groom mentioned the clubs in reference to his 40th bday party (which I also heard him talking about) and not in reference to bach party plans. So, no, the texts don't prove he was going to go. He assured me just as he had before that he has no interest and if those guys go he won't and doesn't want to see anybody naked except for me, etc, etc. I mentioned again that I know they will give him a hard time for not going and try to talk him into it and that even though I still do NOT like it, if he is contemplating going just to appease them then PLEASE at least tell me. He said he would do that.

I do want him to go have a good time. These are friends he has had since middle school, they all live across the country but still keep in touch. (They are all 40ish btw). And most get togethers include the wives and fiances and we all get along great. The timing just stinks for us with the baby and I am the one stuck home without his help but it's okay because he isn't normally just one to skip out whenever he can. He knows that and knows my issue is just with him going to the strip club and more importantly him being honest with me. I DO get why in his mind it was better just to keep the whole topic from me but it's just stupid because like I said, I KNEW it would come up so that makes it all the more suspicious.

I feel better after talking to him. I still question his intentions and think that he was actually including it in the plans by the texts. But, I just have to let it go and trust him to be honest with me and hopefully be respectful and simply sit that part out. It's not too much to ask and he feels the same way I do about it being disrespectful and also does not want me to be around a bunch of hot, naked, dancing men. I told him he can use me for an excuse to his buddies all he wants, I don't care. Those guys know me and know that I am not a bitch or anything. Chances are the groom won't care if they don't go because he can go to them whenever he wants. I just REALLY hope my husband respects my wishes and sticks to what he said but I especially want him to be honest and not do it behind my back. We shall see.

oy vey! Honey, hold on to him. Your marriage seems emotionally "high touch" - a lot of reassurance and "respecting wishes" and such. I am a woman and I would find that exhausting.

[Anonymous]

I think it's more weird when a guy won't join in something pretty harmless (there's no touching, right?!) because their wife says no. It's like saying "I better not go because she and I both no I would do something I shouldn't if I go there". Really, he's a big boy. He's not going to be unfaithful to you.

He's more likely to be unfaithful if you put unnecessary constraints on him.

I don't know, it just shows a complete lack of trust that he can't go to a strip club for a laugh with the boys and not behave properly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

ok so now that you've talked about it and its out in the open, why dont you really question why you need to monopolize your husband's entire sexuality?

assuming you dont question his faithfulness, what is this really about?

is he "allowed" to look at porn?

is he "allowed" to look at a Sports Illustrated swim suit issue?

is he "allowed" to look at a woman walking down the street?

is he "allowed" to look at cheerleaders at a football game?

is he "allowed" to be aware of any other female on the planet and perhaps consider that they may be sexual beings?

The issue isn't about you and I agreeing on what we find disrespectful and what is okay. NO, I don't appreciate him looking at other women and he doesn't appreciate me looking at other men. Period. Yes, we are both human and sexual beings. I see other men that I find attractive. I am sure he has found other women attractive and when I am not with him he probably does look at women that he wouldn't otherwise gawk at in front of me. We have watched porn together. But each couple has their own guidelines and ideas of what is okay and what is not. For the most part he and I are on the same page and have mutual feelings about how much we care about who or what the other is looking at.

Not the PP. But all those guidelines and such only leads to insecurity and jealousy on both parts! It is too restricting and does not encourage openess as a couple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's more weird when a guy won't join in something pretty harmless (there's no touching, right?!) because their wife says no. It's like saying "I better not go because she and I both no I would do something I shouldn't if I go there". Really, he's a big boy. He's not going to be unfaithful to you.

He's more likely to be unfaithful if you put unnecessary constraints on him.

I don't know, it just shows a complete lack of trust that he can't go to a strip club for a laugh with the boys and not behave properly.

Its not about him behaving properly.

Its about her insecurities because they are other attractive women in this world.

Which is why its even more maddening. She doesn't even think he will cheat or touch or whatever. She is just worried what he might THINK