Husband plans going to a strip club but telling me he isn't

[Anonymous]

I have a dilemma. My husband is best man in an upcoming wedding and planning the bachelor party. It bothers me greatly if going to a strip club is part of the plan. He knows this and assures me it is not in the plan. The groom to be is very into that and I just KNOW he is going to want to go to one. His wife to be accepts this about him but draws the line at anything like a lap dance, etc. So yesterday I came across a message between him and another friend that it is indeed in the plans and my husband said the clubs have to be kept on the way way down low. It made me sick to my stomach just knowing he plans on it and also is lying to me about it. We both have each others password to all of our accounts. I wasn't looking for this, but the word "club" caught my eye so I read it. Yes, I may have him on a tight leash but no tighter than the one he has me on. It's pretty mutual, out expectations of each other in that department. He would not want me to go to one either. FWIW, I am very attractive and not a prude in the bedroom. He can have sex with me whenever he wants, in fact, I want it more than he does. I will also either be 8 months pregnant at the time or about a month postpartum so not feeling the greatest about myself. The whole party is going to be a weekend long and I will be home with a toddler and newborn (or very pregnant). So, I know I will not be able to just let this go. I don't know whether to say something before hand (it's 2-4 months away) or let it happen and say something afterwards. I would've been worried about it all weekend anyway, and now I know why. They also plan to go to a casino and I know there are half naked dancers there which also bothers me but I was going to just let that go and try not to let it bother me. But the strip club? After he knows how it will hurt me and told me he won't?

[Anonymous]

I've never done this before, but I think this is a troll. You had me until you said you DH was agreeing to attend a weekend long bachelor party when you were either 8+ months pregnant or you had a newborn. That just seems to push it over the top.

If this is real, the. I can offer no advice because I see nothing wrong with strip clubs. If you and your DH were on the same page for this then I don't see why he just wouldn't participate in this one activity and join up with them after. Obviously you and he aren't on the same page.

[Anonymous]

I think you should evaluate what you're really worried about. If your relationship is good and you know he's a decent guy, then you don't have anything to worry about. It would be worse to make a big deal of it. I would do nothing more than say something in a joke-y way to show that you're aware that he might be going to those kinds of places so he knows you're on to it. But don't get into a fight about it or work yourself up with worry. Let him put this on for his friend without having to feel guilty about you. Most guys do that kind of thing for a laugh. I think he feels pressure to do this from his friends. But you're making it worse by getting him to make you promises. Then of course someone's going to get hurt. Be a big girl, tell him to go ahead and do it but if you hear he does anything he shouldn't he'll get his marching orders ... At the end of the day you want to trust each other so don't set him up with something he'll fail even though he's still faithful to you.

[Anonymous]

You sound like you're trying to control your husband's behavior and are invading his privacy as part of that effort. You didn't "come across" that message -- you snooped until you found it.

This is not how adults treat each other. Couples don't keep each other on "tight leashes."

At this point, I wouldn't blame him for going out of spite. I wouldn't tell you either.

You have more important things to worry about than where you husband is. Get a grip.

[Anonymous]

Any bets on how many pages this thread will be?

[Anonymous]

I think you should evaluate what you're really worried about. If your relationship is good and you know he's a decent guy, then you don't have anything to worry about. It would be worse to make a big deal of it. I would do nothing more than say something in a joke-y way to show that you're aware that he might be going to those kinds of places so he knows you're on to it. But don't get into a fight about it or work yourself up with worry. Let him put this on for his friend without having to feel guilty about you. Most guys do that kind of thing for a laugh. I think he feels pressure to do this from his friends. But you're making it worse by getting him to make you promises. Then of course someone's going to get hurt. Be a big girl, tell him to go ahead and do it but if you hear he does anything he shouldn't he'll get his marching orders ... At the end of the day you want to trust each other so don't set him up with something he'll fail even though he's still faithful to you.

OP here. I think he is feeling pressured too by his friends. He promised me without me "making" him. And like I said he wouldn't be okay with me going to one without him either. I think the problem is now that I am actually worried it could lead to more but I will never know about it. My trust in him is really being compromised right now. His buddies would never "tell" on him or themselves.

And to the poster who thinks this isn't real...yeah, I thought it was already really big of me to let him host the bachelor party at 8 months pregnant or 1-2 months after having the baby as well. The wedding is in July.

And to the other poster who commented on the "tight leash". Like I said, it's mutual, our expectations of each other in this department. I can't help how I feel about it and that it hurts me.

[Anonymous]

OP here again, the promises and discussion about it previously were before I found out he was really planning on it. I haven't said anything else since. So I am not fighting with him about it. I trusted him when he said they weren't going to one. But now I know and it's killing me and really hard for me to overlook.

[Anonymous]

If this is real, the. I can offer no advice because I see nothing wrong with strip clubs. If you and your DH were on the same page for this then I don't see why he just wouldn't participate in this one activity and join up with them after. Obviously you and he aren't on the same page.

This is exactly why I am upset. I thought we were on the same page and he did say he would sit this activity out if his friend wanted to go but apparently he has no intention of sitting this part out afterall. It's going to be a whole weekend at a cabin and casino so he will be participating in most of it.

[Anonymous]

He is the best man and planning the bachelor party, and the groom wants strippers at the bachelor party, ergo, there will be strippers at the bachelor party. Not about you.

[Anonymous]

OP, how did you find the message? What level of snooping was going on? Was this a "DH forgot to log out of his email on the family computer and I happened to see an email about this" or a "I checked his phone while he was in the shower" situation?

You need to talk to your husband. Apologize for invading his privacy and reading his messages, even if it was an accident. If you are more upset that he felt like he had to lie to you in order to plan the thing he knows his friend wants, tell him that. If you are still holding the line on the strip club issue, tell him that. I personally think that you need to let the strip club issue go. I think bachelor parties at strip clubs are ridiculous, sexist and completely unnecessary and would never personally organize one, but they are hardly uncommon. Insisting that your husband not organize the party that you know his friend wants is basically asking him to lie to you. Which he has now done, unsurprisingly.

I would be more concerned about this "tight leash" that you feel like you need to keep each other on. There's a difference between having your spouse's password and using that password regularly. I have my husband's password to a variety of things. I do not make a habit of checking in on his accounts, because I trust him. Part of that trust is openness in communication such that if he did go to a strip club for a bachelor party, he would not be concealing the whole plan from me in a way that could lead to hiding other things.

It sounds like you do not want your husband to ever be exposed to or even think about other women in sexual situations. You do realize that this is both crazy and impossible to ask of another adult, right?

[Anonymous]

Why not say to him "I know you're going to get a lot of pressure to go to a strip club or something. I'd rather you tell me about it so we don't have any issues of lying. I'm okay with it if you really feel you want to do that for your friend. But I want to make sure that there's honest between us."

Saying that, I don't think it's a great idea to fish for complete honesty. That's setting things up for failure. I wouldn't do it. I'd just reiterate to him that you support his decisions (whatever they are) and that you want him to have fun but make sure whatever he does is something he wouldn't mind you doing.

[Anonymous]

This is like the other strip club thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Any bets on how many pages this thread will be?

I'll say 1...maybe a short 2.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, the lying would bother me the most.

I don't like strip clubs, for a variety of reasons, but if my husband went because it was part of a bachelor party, I'd probably say once that I wasn't crazy about it but that I understood, and trusted him not to cross any lines. But if he lied about it? I'd be super pissed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Any bets on how many pages this thread will be?

I'll say 5 since I think people will get hung up on the strip club issue vs the real issue, which is the lying by her husband and the snooping by OP. Those who are more secure/have no issues with strip clubs will write in about how strip clubs are fine, trust your husband, they go with their spouse etc etc and those who are less secure/have issues with strip clubs will say their husbands are disgusting people for objectifying women, are cheating on their wives with the strippers, etc etc.