Husband plans going to a strip club but telling me he isn't

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is is cheating if the stripper rubs her breasts on my face? There is no other touching otherwise.

Dunno, is it cheating if your wife/girlfriend has a guy's balls rubbed on her face?

[Anonymous]

A PP here--look, it would bother me even if I was not pregnant. Every marriage is different and in ours, this is not ok. And the lying, of course, is even worse. When you talk with him, please do not reference your "hormonal" pregnant state. It's dismissing your credibility. You would be upset to be lied to and at the threat of another woman touching your DH even if you were not pregnant, I think.

Yes yes it has to be face to face and during a time when kids are in bed and not going to interrupt you at a critical moment. Get the phone off the hook and cell phones in another room where you can't hear them dinging.

You should ask him again (don't tip your hand) before you tell him you saw his "down low" reply. Because if you don't, then he's not going to say "oh you heard me wrong two months ago" or anything. He will be there with the just-said lie, and this is where you DON'T pounce (like a cross-examiner would) because you are trying to make the marriage better. So you don't pounce, but you calmly wade into the murky mess with your evidence, and then hopefully get to a place where the two of you can wade back out together, hand in hand.

It will be fine, OP. And I know the lie is the more important thing, but also it's relieving that this discussion is happening before, not after the event.

[Anonymous]

OP, I sympathize. I think that strip clubs are disrespectful in certain contexts, although I have been myself. I had a bigger problem with my DH possibly doing it before his wedding then him going to his stupid friends' bachelor parties, though. The reasons why men go for bachelor parties are incredibly immature and disrespectful. And I have heard from many guy friends that some messed up shit happens — think groom getting a handjob or blowjob. The issue here is the lying... he's going to lie to you whenever he wants to do something you don't want him to do instead of coming to you with his problem. I get it that guys are under a lot of pressure, but he could have come to you saying that his hands were tied as he's the best man and the groom wants to go to a strip club. Then you would have to compromise somehow, but hiding it from you is a problem.

OP here. I totally agree with you. And I think I would have compromised. He knows it bothers me but I didn't totally forbid it. He agreed it would bother him too and OFFERED to opt out if they go. Said he has no interest in going, etc. And now that I have even said that I'd rather him be honest and tell me than promise not to go and then lie about it and I find out yet he is still insisting it isn't on the itinerary...that hurts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is is cheating if the stripper rubs her breasts on my face? There is no other touching otherwise.

Dunno, is it cheating if your wife/girlfriend has a guy's balls rubbed on her face?

I get it. But tits are clearly lower down on the scale of sex organs so.....

[Anonymous]

A PP here--look, it would bother me even if I was not pregnant. Every marriage is different and in ours, this is not ok. And the lying, of course, is even worse. When you talk with him, please do not reference your "hormonal" pregnant state. It's dismissing your credibility. You would be upset to be lied to and at the threat of another woman touching your DH even if you were not pregnant, I think.

Yes yes it has to be face to face and during a time when kids are in bed and not going to interrupt you at a critical moment. Get the phone off the hook and cell phones in another room where you can't hear them dinging.

You should ask him again (don't tip your hand) before you tell him you saw his "down low" reply. Because if you don't, then he's not going to say "oh you heard me wrong two months ago" or anything. He will be there with the just-said lie, and this is where you DON'T pounce (like a cross-examiner would) because you are trying to make the marriage better. So you don't pounce, but you calmly wade into the murky mess with your evidence, and then hopefully get to a place where the two of you can wade back out together, hand in hand.

It will be fine, OP. And I know the lie is the more important thing, but also it's relieving that this discussion is happening before, not after the event.

OP here. I think you are right. Thank you for this and this is what I plan on doing. Oh, and he already knows that it bothers me pregnant or not! I never blame stuff on that...hate it when women blame PMS for legit complaints or concerns too!

[Anonymous]

Didn't almost this exact scenario come up a month or two ago?

[Anonymous]

So...the best man's wife gets to dictate the plans for the bachelor party? The bride does not have an issue, but you want your DH to plan the weekend with his friends based on your own issues. I don't think so.

I would mention it to DH. He lied because he knew you would not approve and he did not want to take crap from the other guys about his wife interfering. Not that surprising to me.

Anyways, talk to him about it and tell him how you feel. Hey, you could even suggest that he pass the planning of the adult activities to another groomsman and that you prefer he not attend those activities. But be warned, he WILL pout, you WILL get blamed and both of you WILL question what you signed up for.

GL

[Anonymous]

Ugh. Why don't men just grow the f up already when it comes to bachelor parties. If a dude needs strippers in an effort to have "fun" "one last time", then he's not ready to get married.

[Anonymous]

Ugh. Why don't men just grow the f up already when it comes to bachelor parties. If a dude needs strippers in an effort to have "fun" "one last time", then he's not ready to get married.

Agreed!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would have lied to the OP too as opposed to telling her the truth - she sounds emotionally exhausting.
I'm sure her husband is at that point where he is prepared to go above and beyond in terms of lying and hiding things in order to keep her quiet.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

So, talk to him. "DH, I saw this email. I was really hurt that you lied to me. What's going on here?"

If he brings up the snooping, say "you're right, and that's a conversation I'm willing to have. But I want to talk about the lying first."

OP here. I think it's going to have to be something like this. I want to wait until I see him face to face after work though first. And as far as the snooping, he doesn't really have any room to talk because he read my texts between my daughter and I and got mad at me for something a few months back! lol

And I know strip clubs don't bother everyone, I wish it didn't bother me. But he even says he doesn't like them. But, it bothers me to be sitting at home big and pregnant with a toddler and him looking at naked women with his friends. It just does. and I am obviously not alone in feeling like that. But like we've all said, the lying is the real issue. I tried to give him a reason not to lie and maybe he just doesn't believe that I won't freak out or doesn't want to hurt me and figures I just won't find out but, not the case.

but you are going to freak out and probably already have over this issue so he feels he needs to lie to you to get through the bachelor party. that is what happens at these things.

[Anonymous]

8 months pregnant or 1-2 months postpartum. Wtf?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I sympathize. I think that strip clubs are disrespectful in certain contexts, although I have been myself. I had a bigger problem with my DH possibly doing it before his wedding then him going to his stupid friends' bachelor parties, though. The reasons why men go for bachelor parties are incredibly immature and disrespectful. And I have heard from many guy friends that some messed up shit happens — think groom getting a handjob or blowjob. The issue here is the lying... he's going to lie to you whenever he wants to do something you don't want him to do instead of coming to you with his problem. I get it that guys are under a lot of pressure, but he could have come to you saying that his hands were tied as he's the best man and the groom wants to go to a strip club. Then you would have to compromise somehow, but hiding it from you is a problem.

he is lying because she is acting irrational and as pp stated seems to be exhausting. This is a control issue for you and the fact that some men go to strip bars during bachelor parties is not "his problem" - it is yours. I'm sure a male stripper has never shown up at a bachelorete party.

[Anonymous]

OP here- 8 months or 1-2 months postpartum, I know! I think that makes me pretty cool that he gets to go away for the weekend and me not give him a hard time about it. No, I haven't freaked out about it YET. Our conversations about it have been civil and calm and I thought we were on the same page. But I will freak out if he goes and lies to me about it. Especially after I told him I understand and told him he doesn't have to lie and I'd rather just know and that it would make it worse if he went and lied about it. Yes, I know they are my insecurities but HE HAS THE SAME ONES WHEN IT COMES TO ME. It's a mutual thing. And knowing that it bothers me he said would not participate in that part of it even though I did not completely forbid it and he said he doesn't like those places anyway. I know he wouldn't just go on his own. I don't think I am being irrational and apparently there are many women who agree with me. I admitted that it would not be the end of the world if he went although it would still bother me but the lying about it is what is making it worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:8 months pregnant or 1-2 months postpartum. Wtf?

Use your brain. Most likely explanation is that the party date hasn't been finalized.