Does your spouse use you as an excuse not to deal with his family?

[Anonymous]

I agree with 11:59. You're rationalizing his disrespectful treatment of you because he's made it too difficult & painful to challenge it. That's what it amounts to, no matter how you try to explain it away.

Sorry, OP, I've been through this before where I was in your position. In my experience, tolerating dysfunction is a mistake. It only leads to more dysfunction, never less. It's in your best interests to stop tolerating this behavior.

And, by the way, I'm a child of a massively dysfunctional family - NPD & SPD abounds - and I would not put anyone in the position in which your husband has put you, nor would I (again) tolerate being put in this position. Being the child of a dysfunctional family is not an excuse to treat people poorly. Ever.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for the input. I hear what you are saying and I will think about it more.

My husband treats me very well except for when it comes to how he deals with his family. That is our issue and I guess I got sick of fighting it. It was MUCH worse when we saw them more and I was the bad guy. Now, I don't deal with them much, so the peace and transquility are worth it to me especially knowing my kids won't grow up around this drama.

We tried counseling and the counselor had so many of her own issues that neither of us are willing to spend the money to shop around.

Do I think he has some deep seeded issues around his family and childhood? Yes. I feel like I was lucky to have a basically decent family give or take some mild dysfunction, but I felt loved and was treated well. 12:13's post was interesting, because I would have said, I don't feel like I can judge him since I didn't have to deal with what he went through.

I am not perfect and I guess I see this as a minor sacrifice for a happy marriage and happy husband. Believe me he makes sacrifices too, just different. It's sort of like a white lie taken a bit far and it's not even 100% like. I don't enjoy seeing them, it's just that he gives them the impression he does enjoy their company and would see them more.

[Anonymous]

OP here again-please excuse all the typos..and like is supposed to be "lie."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with 11:59. You're rationalizing his disrespectful treatment of you because he's made it too difficult & painful to challenge it. That's what it amounts to, no matter how you try to explain it away.

Sorry, OP, I've been through this before where I was in your position. In my experience, tolerating dysfunction is a mistake. It only leads to more dysfunction, never less. It's in your best interests to stop tolerating this behavior.

And, by the way, I'm a child of a massively dysfunctional family - NPD & SPD abounds - and I would not put anyone in the position in which your husband has put you, nor would I (again) tolerate being put in this position. Being the child of a dysfunctional family is not an excuse to treat people poorly. Ever.

Not to highjack but what did you find helpful in moving toward healthier behavior? NP here. I had a similar family and am now divorcing an ex who was far more unstable than I realized. Ex's treatment of the kids is also shocking at times. Sounds like you are in a really good place re: boundaries and relationships, I'd appreciate any advice you may have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: OP here. Thanks for the input. I hear what you are saying and I will think about it more.

My husband treats me very well except for when it comes to how he deals with his family. That is our issue and I guess I got sick of fighting it. It was MUCH worse when we saw them more and I was the bad guy. Now, I don't deal with them much, so the peace and transquility are worth it to me especially knowing my kids won't grow up around this drama.

We tried counseling and the counselor had so many of her own issues that neither of us are willing to spend the money to shop around.

Do I think he has some deep seeded issues around his family and childhood? Yes. I feel like I was lucky to have a basically decent family give or take some mild dysfunction, but I felt loved and was treated well. 12:13's post was interesting, because I would have said, I don't feel like I can judge him since I didn't have to deal with what he went through.

I am not perfect and I guess I see this as a minor sacrifice for a happy marriage and happy husband. Believe me he makes sacrifices too, just different. It's sort of like a white lie taken a bit far and it's not even 100% like. I don't enjoy seeing them, it's just that he gives them the impression he does enjoy their company and would see them more.

While I understand your oerspective, I thope you understand that his not dealing with his issues does not make them go away.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you think you're helping him by allowing this, but I think that you're just enabling the emotional abuse and manipulation to continue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you think you're helping him by allowing this, but I think that you're just enabling the emotional abuse and manipulation to continue.

+1

Even if it is better than when you saw them all the time it is still not healthy. I did something similar and it really came back to bite me. Ex had a midlife crisis (people who don't do the work with this kind of background are more likely I've learned) and he started acting similarly toward the kids after the divorce, also much more like his family of origen. I would never have believed it was a possiblilty. Sleeping dogs don't always stay that way, in his case the stress of a layoff and an anniversary year of some bad childhood stuff pulled the fig leaf of "really different" right off. Now my kids are having to navigate stuff that I had allowed him to avoid and it's getting worse. I hope you never hear that your ILs have been recast as "warm and loving" and you are now "a shitty parent". Stuff that isn't worked out directly gets worked out other ways.

[Anonymous]

15:14 here, What he is after is the approval of horribly damaged destructive people. You don't know what he might do to get it in coming years. Have you see The Lorax? My 4 year old got that Daddy is like The Onceler right away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you think you're helping him by allowing this, but I think that you're just enabling the emotional abuse and manipulation to continue.

+1

Even if it is better than when you saw them all the time it is still not healthy. I did something similar and it really came back to bite me. Ex had a midlife crisis (people who don't do the work with this kind of background are more likely I've learned) and he started acting similarly toward the kids after the divorce, also much more like his family of origen. I would never have believed it was a possiblilty. Sleeping dogs don't always stay that way, in his case the stress of a layoff and an anniversary year of some bad childhood stuff pulled the fig leaf of "really different" right off. Now my kids are having to navigate stuff that I had allowed him to avoid and it's getting worse. I hope you never hear that your ILs have been recast as "warm and loving" and you are now "a shitty parent". Stuff that isn't worked out directly gets worked out other ways.

OP checking in again. This post made me think because he actually during the course of our relationship every now and then becomes delusional and sees them as loving and warm and he goes into denial about everything he hated about them. When I just bring up things he has said because I am confused he gives me the shit he should have given them. He only goes through the delusional phase every few years though and within a few days he snaps back and admits it wasn't fair to get angry with me for restating what he said in the past. My fear is he will fall apart when any of them become very ill and/or pass away, but maybe that will also push him to work through the past.

The thing is-you can't make someone work through this stuff. I went that route with him. Now I just accept it is what it is and focus on the good parts of our relationship.

[Anonymous]

I'm the PP you are refering to. Good thing you are aware of the possiblility. I had no idea what I was getting into. One of my kids has SN and I became a SAHM. I think my vulnerability was also a trigger. I had never had any of the delusions about the ILs so when it hit it was a shock and the feelings he should have had for them got transfered to us. I've talked to a lot of mental health folks and none was all that surprised, just wanted to give the caution that I wish I had had. I'd also have clear boundaries about what you will and won't accept. If he crosses them you need to not think about his background but act. Your kids are watching it all. My kids' lives became like something on Jerry Springer for a while and I so wish I had been more prepared.

[Anonymous]

To clarify, he had always thought of his parents and cold and cruel and nonprotective.

I think what you are seeing might be some kind of disassociation? I saw that but not about the parents.

Now my ex is nonprotective of our kids, the patterns are all repeating. His relationships may reflect what hasn't been worked out and not just with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with 11:59. You're rationalizing his disrespectful treatment of you because he's made it too difficult & painful to challenge it. That's what it amounts to, no matter how you try to explain it away.

Sorry, OP, I've been through this before where I was in your position. In my experience, tolerating dysfunction is a mistake. It only leads to more dysfunction, never less. It's in your best interests to stop tolerating this behavior.

And, by the way, I'm a child of a massively dysfunctional family - NPD & SPD abounds - and I would not put anyone in the position in which your husband has put you, nor would I (again) tolerate being put in this position. Being the child of a dysfunctional family is not an excuse to treat people poorly. Ever.

Not to highjack but what did you find helpful in moving toward healthier behavior? NP here. I had a similar family and am now divorcing an ex who was far more unstable than I realized. Ex's treatment of the kids is also shocking at times. Sounds like you are in a really good place re: boundaries and relationships, I'd appreciate any advice you may have.

NP, sorry about your situation with your ex. What helped me get to where I am today has just been a lot of hard work. Therapy, research, journaling - whatever it takes. Besides a very good therapist, two things have been particularly helpful: (1) emotionally detaching from my dysfunctional family, and (2) developing an understanding of what dysfunctions underlie certain patterns of behavior. Once you can make those connections, then you can start to understand how to interact with that person in a way that will minimize conflict & problems. Hope this helps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the PP you are refering to. Good thing you are aware of the possiblility. I had no idea what I was getting into. One of my kids has SN and I became a SAHM. I think my vulnerability was also a trigger. I had never had any of the delusions about the ILs so when it hit it was a shock and the feelings he should have had for them got transfered to us. I've talked to a lot of mental health folks and none was all that surprised, just wanted to give the caution that I wish I had had. I'd also have clear boundaries about what you will and won't accept. If he crosses them you need to not think about his background but act. Your kids are watching it all. My kids' lives became like something on Jerry Springer for a while and I so wish I had been more prepared.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with 11:59. You're rationalizing his disrespectful treatment of you because he's made it too difficult & painful to challenge it. That's what it amounts to, no matter how you try to explain it away.

Sorry, OP, I've been through this before where I was in your position. In my experience, tolerating dysfunction is a mistake. It only leads to more dysfunction, never less. It's in your best interests to stop tolerating this behavior.

And, by the way, I'm a child of a massively dysfunctional family - NPD & SPD abounds - and I would not put anyone in the position in which your husband has put you, nor would I (again) tolerate being put in this position. Being the child of a dysfunctional family is not an excuse to treat people poorly. Ever.

Not to highjack but what did you find helpful in moving toward healthier behavior? NP here. I had a similar family and am now divorcing an ex who was far more unstable than I realized. Ex's treatment of the kids is also shocking at times. Sounds like you are in a really good place re: boundaries and relationships, I'd appreciate any advice you may have.

NP, sorry about your situation with your ex. What helped me get to where I am today has just been a lot of hard work. Therapy, research, journaling - whatever it takes. Besides a very good therapist, two things have been particularly helpful: (1) emotionally detaching from my dysfunctional family, and (2) developing an understanding of what dysfunctions underlie certain patterns of behavior. Once you can make those connections, then you can start to understand how to interact with that person in a way that will minimize conflict & problems. Hope this helps.

Thanks so much. Do you have a name of a local therapist to share? I had a great therapist years ago but she moved and I haven't found anyone all that helpful now. Lots of "blank wall" types and that doesn't help me as a style. I'm getting better with (1) but any tips on (2)?

[Anonymous]

NP here. I get it, OP. There are some things DH blames me for, and I let him. DH has an abusive family he has never dealt with. Most of them have untreated depression. They want me to go on vacation with them - no way! Not anyone's idea of a vacation, for sure.

I agree that therapy is in order. We are in VA. I swear they license anyone here. We have tried a bunch of people that just shrug their shoulders. We finally tried someone in D.C. The first person we tried made him realize he did not live a perfect childhood, no one did. Ideally, the whole birth family would be in therapy together. It is sad to see them in their old ways when they are together. Frankly, I am not interested in being around it.

It has indeed come to my attention that the kids should not see their father treated this way by his family, nor should he scapegoat me. It is extremely difficult to deal with a cold, insular, closed clan like this. They leave you few options, I know. I don't buy into their BS, in fact I avoid them. You would think they would have gotten the hint by now.

You are not alone. Sorry to hear. I wish I had more advice for you. We are still working on it. I say it will get easier when MIL is gone, but who knows. It likely will be like a bandaid, but not effective. It is hard to find the right kind of help for our DHs because we are used to taking to rap for their abuse, sadly. Their families suck. If they would only admit it.