at a loss as to how to make DH see reason...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is about to get knocked down a peg on the totem pole in your house once the baby comes. Some men don't handle this well. If you push out your husband's parents, it's going to make him extremely resentful and you are going to exacerbate this even more.

There is middle ground here. Sure, you can dig in your heels like the PPs have encouraged you and say it's all about you and your healing. Would you be right? Maybe. But if you stepped into a crosswalk without looking, you'd be right, too-- but if a car splatters you across the pavement you'd be right and dead. Doesn't seem worth it, does it?

Marriage is long and having a baby is stressful. If you and your DH can't come to a reasonable agreement about this, I really fear for your family's future. This is the easy stuff. The hard part hasn't even started yet.

Marriage counseling is in order.

PP is very wise. The hard part hasn't even started yet. The first years are very difficult under even the best of circumstances and you are not starting out well at all.

[Anonymous]

Op don't let the posters who say they fear for your marriage freak you out. This really isn't about your marrige, it's about your husband & his parents. It sucks but hold your ground. I could have written your post 2.5 yrs ago, and no, my marriage isn't in tatters now. I was lucky in that there was that flu going around so georgetown wouldn't allow any visitors. I delivered 2 mos early, so the NICU release date was up in the air. I told my husband his family could not come until our baby was settled in at home (risk of preemie getting germs, didn't want to master breastfeeding w/ the inlaws hovering around, etc). My husband wasn't firm enough but did agree w/ me. Well the day we all came home, we got a text that they were getting on the flight.

It was pure hell! I was so uncomfortable w/ them hanging around, they wanted me to babysit them, get them food, etc. MIL couldnt tell me enough everything i was doing wrong w/ the baby I was constantly hiding in my bathroom in tears. I was so frustrated my husband didn't put her in place enough, but it was almost fruitless bc she wouldn't listen. My mom was the opposite, would show up w/ groceries & cook, do everyone's laundry, wash bottles & pump supplies, soothe the baby, etc. Of course MIL had a fit that I was being unfair and letting my mom have the baby more when my mom was actually helping. It was awful. I am terrified bc I'm expecting again, and I just want a peaceful homecoming and first weeks. Oh & the inlaws were staying in a hotel, not even at our house and it still was awful. Seriously hold your ground. You know what you will be comfortable with and what will create the best environment for your new baby.

[Anonymous]

I feel for you. Your mom will want to take care of YOU, while the MIL will want to hold the BABY, while you need to be holding the baby, learning how to BF and generally boeing with the baby. Your husband is being a jerk and I am feel sorry for you. I am very lucky that I've got a very direct relationship with my MIL and I communicate directly with her on issues and cut DH out of that communication chain.

How is your relationship with her? Could you possibly call her and try to talk this out, and come to some kind of compromise?

[Anonymous]

It's totally unfair, OP, that your MIL doesn't have the same right as your husband. I agree with him on that.

But I also agree that you and your husband are NOT going through the same thing. Yes, fatherhood is a huge deal just like motherhood is, and you are both becoming parents. But you are the ones with hormones, labor, BF, nudity in labor (likely), vaginal checks etc. etc.

I agree with the possibility of counseling.

I also think that you need to look up and show him what happens to women when they are in labor and have other stresses (maybe see some home birth stuff, even if this is completely not something you are into). Women usually un-dialate and have some stalling in labor when they enter the hospital, and this is a perfectly naturaly response to being outside your comfort zone. I can't even imagine how long labor would have taken me in the first stages if my MIL was looking at my vagina. (Later on you probably wont care at all)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would say that the families can come for short visits (1 hour or so) when you get home from the hospital but no more. That includes your mom. Compromise.

I agree with this. I feel for you, OP. I think you are "right" in wanting whomever she wants around her after labor. But I also think that there needs to be some compromise here. Maybe the compromise is that NEITHER set of parents come to see you in the hospital and that no one stay with you overnight in those early days, since your husband seems to be locked into tit-for-tat mode. By the second week, you may have a better idea of how you're feeling, and will be more up to longer visits.

I know it's weird because your parents are local, and probably not totally fair, and awkward. But something's got to give, here.

[Anonymous]

At three hours away, the ILs can come, visit for a couple hours, then drive home in a day. There is no reason for them to stay overnight.

It is totally reasonable: 1) Not to call until the baby is born and 2) To choose if they visit at the hospital or when you get home (there is some argument for the hospital, as you don't have to "host" and you can keep it really short)

But, remind your DH that the laboring momma should really decide who is around and that you need his sole focus to be on supporting you, not updating his parents. Talk to your OB at your next visit about this.

[Anonymous]

Keep in mind that while you are recovering, your dh is also having a baby too. He wants his parents to meet and see the baby. That seems like a very reasonable request. Treat your husband like a equal parent to this kid. So yeah, while you are in labor or delivering your needs take precedence, but to deny your husband the opportunity to introduce his child to her grandparents for weeks based on recovering isn't treating him like an equal parent.

[Anonymous]

i think a good compromise is having the ILs visit well after the birth and kicking them out of the room when you need to feed the baby or sleep or take care of yourself (nicely, of course). you can even enlist the help of nurses to do this.

once home, give yourself a day or two to yourselves. if you want your mom there to help out (and list the tangible things she will do), that is your right. i think you have every right to stand firm on this.

as for the ILs, you should allow them to come over but for specific periods of time - they should stay at a hotel and they should be given some exact errands to help you with. i think that is true of any family member.

excuse yourself into your bedroom when you need to. be firm about time limits for visits. it is not your responsibility to entertain, so don't even think about it.

[Anonymous]

I totally get not wanting lots of people around right after you bring the baby home from the hospital. I had the best relationship with my mother ever but having my parents stay with us for a week after our first child was born was just awful. They hadn't been around babies in decades, and so couldn't help in any serious way, and kept wanting to make big meals. Meanwhile my husband and I were basically hysterical with the stress of being clueless ourselves and also totally sleepless. It was the worst week ever, no exaggeration. And my mother was genuinely one of my best friends.

On the other hand, I think if both sets of grandparents are relatively local, it's problematic to say one pair can see their grandchild and one must wait an undetermined number of weeks. It really is setting you up to be the target of a lot of resentment, which is not what you need at this point. My strong recommendation would be to tell the ILs they can come visit the baby for the day, a few days after you get home. Even if you're miserable and uncomfortable, you can probably get through a few hours with them. And you don't really know - you may be thrilled to have a couple of hours to sleep or whatever.

Just fwiw, as bad as it was to have company right after my first was born, it was also tough the second time around, by which time my mom had died, and there was no one rushing to see my new baby. Some of us can tell you horror stories about how awful it is to be thronged with people with you're immediately post-partum, but remember that lots of people are thrilled to have an extra set of hands and someone to coo at their newborn... if you limit the time frame and think about this as a gift rather than an imposition, you may be surprised to find you're happy to see your ILs for a few hours.

[Anonymous]

If you want a dad's perspective:

I suspect his refusing to back down is related to badgering he's getting from HIS mother. His parents are genuinely excited and eager to meet their grandchild -- that's a good thing.

When we had our first we declared *no* extended stay visitors for the first two weeks, so we could adjust as a family. That meant my parents, that meant her mom (her dad is dead). It was fine and it worked for us, although we have parents who respect the boundaries we set.

Since you appear to not have them, I agree with the pps that tolerating short visits from the ILs is probably the best thing to do. At the hospital, they can only stay very briefly anyway, you'll have nurses everywhere, they'll coo over the baby and probably leave very soon as everyone will be sleeping (or, you can get a nurse to shoo them out when you and db need to sleep).

At home, you will be hanging out in your bedroom most of the time. So will baby, who, again, will sleep a lot, or need to be taken from you when you want to get some sleep. Normally it would be dh who'd just take kiddo into the family room and watch baseball or something until the next feeding, so what does it matter if there's another grownup holding db? Swaddling? Changing the diaper?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Keep in mind that while you are recovering, your dh is also having a baby too. He wants his parents to meet and see the baby. That seems like a very reasonable request. Treat your husband like a equal parent to this kid. So yeah, while you are in labor or delivering your needs take precedence, but to deny your husband the opportunity to introduce his child to her grandparents for weeks based on recovering isn't treating him like an equal parent.

Absolutely, this! OP, you and your DH are BOTH parents.

[Anonymous]

I completely disagree with the posters who say that the OP should compromise on this one. No, you shouldn't. There are a lot of times for compromise in a marriage. There are a lot of times to compromise on parenting decisions. This is absolutely not one of them. I desperately needed my mom the first few days after my daughter was born. She was helpful and unobtrusive, instructive when I asked for help and otherwise just supportive. She was around to answer questions like "Is it normal to be passing clots the size of tangerines?" and other stuff that I would never have been comfortable asking my mother in law. Not because I don't like her (though I really don't) but because she is NOT MY MOM. If my husband wanted to lean on his mom and ask her questions like I was doing with my mom, he was welcome to do that (he didn't), but it was understood that I do not have the same relationship with his mom that I do with mine. I will never understand why it seems to be so difficult for people to understand that basic concept!

This is not about whose parents have more "rights" to the child. Your parents are local. They can stop by for 15 minutes or bring over some takeout and then split. Your husband's parents would be around all the time. His mom does not have the same right to be involved in this part of your life that your mom does, and the first few days (I would argue the first week, minimum) is really a lot more about the mom than the baby.

I think at this point, the only way to manage the situation is to come up with a very specific plan for the visit. DH will call both sets of grandparents when labor begins. They are free to come to the hospital, with the understanding that if you do not want visitors, they are not permitted in your room. They can meet the baby in the nursery if it comes to that. No one stays overnight in your house when you return. People who come over for more than half an hour must contribute to the management of the household. Everyone who comes to see the new mom and baby has to bring the new mom a glass of water and an energy rich snack. You get to choose when visits are over, and there will no negotiation or guilt about that. After a couple weeks, things will be easier and you will get into a routine and it will be easier to have GUESTS rather than HELPERS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I completely disagree with the posters who say that the OP should compromise on this one. No, you shouldn't. There are a lot of times for compromise in a marriage. There are a lot of times to compromise on parenting decisions. This is absolutely not one of them. I desperately needed my mom the first few days after my daughter was born. She was helpful and unobtrusive, instructive when I asked for help and otherwise just supportive. She was around to answer questions like "Is it normal to be passing clots the size of tangerines?" and other stuff that I would never have been comfortable asking my mother in law. Not because I don't like her (though I really don't) but because she is NOT MY MOM. If my husband wanted to lean on his mom and ask her questions like I was doing with my mom, he was welcome to do that (he didn't), but it was understood that I do not have the same relationship with his mom that I do with mine. I will never understand why it seems to be so difficult for people to understand that basic concept!

This is not about whose parents have more "rights" to the child. Your parents are local. They can stop by for 15 minutes or bring over some takeout and then split. Your husband's parents would be around all the time. His mom does not have the same right to be involved in this part of your life that your mom does, and the first few days (I would argue the first week, minimum) is really a lot more about the mom than the baby.

I think at this point, the only way to manage the situation is to come up with a very specific plan for the visit. DH will call both sets of grandparents when labor begins. They are free to come to the hospital, with the understanding that if you do not want visitors, they are not permitted in your room. They can meet the baby in the nursery if it comes to that. No one stays overnight in your house when you return. People who come over for more than half an hour must contribute to the management of the household. Everyone who comes to see the new mom and baby has to bring the new mom a glass of water and an energy rich snack. You get to choose when visits are over, and there will no negotiation or guilt about that. After a couple weeks, things will be easier and you will get into a routine and it will be easier to have GUESTS rather than HELPERS.

You said the OP shouldn't compromise but then you proposed a pretty decent compromise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I completely disagree with the posters who say that the OP should compromise on this one. No, you shouldn't. There are a lot of times for compromise in a marriage. There are a lot of times to compromise on parenting decisions. This is absolutely not one of them. I desperately needed my mom the first few days after my daughter was born. She was helpful and unobtrusive, instructive when I asked for help and otherwise just supportive. She was around to answer questions like "Is it normal to be passing clots the size of tangerines?" and other stuff that I would never have been comfortable asking my mother in law. Not because I don't like her (though I really don't) but because she is NOT MY MOM. If my husband wanted to lean on his mom and ask her questions like I was doing with my mom, he was welcome to do that (he didn't), but it was understood that I do not have the same relationship with his mom that I do with mine. I will never understand why it seems to be so difficult for people to understand that basic concept!

This is not about whose parents have more "rights" to the child. Your parents are local. They can stop by for 15 minutes or bring over some takeout and then split. Your husband's parents would be around all the time. His mom does not have the same right to be involved in this part of your life that your mom does, and the first few days (I would argue the first week, minimum) is really a lot more about the mom than the baby.

I think at this point, the only way to manage the situation is to come up with a very specific plan for the visit. DH will call both sets of grandparents when labor begins. They are free to come to the hospital, with the understanding that if you do not want visitors, they are not permitted in your room. They can meet the baby in the nursery if it comes to that. No one stays overnight in your house when you return. People who come over for more than half an hour must contribute to the management of the household. Everyone who comes to see the new mom and baby has to bring the new mom a glass of water and an energy rich snack. You get to choose when visits are over, and there will no negotiation or guilt about that. After a couple weeks, things will be easier and you will get into a routine and it will be easier to have GUESTS rather than HELPERS.

You said the OP shouldn't compromise but then you proposed a pretty decent compromise.

Well, I don't think she should have to compromise what she wants, but I also think that probably there is no way around it. Her husband will not see reason. Her in laws will show up. Rather than spend the first few weeks of motherhood combative and/or crying in her bedroom, set firm rules for engagement.

[Anonymous]

I agree. The compromise you're proposing (even though you said no compromises) is that no set of grandparents be privileged over the other set. I think that's what the OP's husband is reacting to, and whether any of us think he's right or wrong, it doesn't seem like he's going to budge on this. So someone has to figure out another way, and your way sounds as good as any. What that means is that the OP may not see her Mom as much as she might like to in those early days, but hopefully there'll be years to make up the difference.

The only thing I would propose as a difference is that DH does not need to call anyone when the labor begins. I think it might be more comfortable for all concerned to call after it's over.