at a loss as to how to make DH see reason...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, I don't get it either. She's the grandmother, she ought to be allowed to see the baby just as soon as the other grandmother. Both my mom and MIL saw my kids on day 1. When I needed to feed the baby they went out to the lounge area.

And people wonder why they have poor relationships with their MILs. Making your MIL not welcome at such a major life event is a good start in alienating her.

Relatedly, forcing your presence on an emotionally vulnerable state is a good start to alienating THEM.

I meant "on an emotionally vulnerable person". Don't know where "state" came from.

I'm sure the MIL doesn't really want to hang out with the OP. She wants to meet her grandchild. Is that so wrong?

No. OP will have just pushed a person out of her vagina, or will have had major abdominal surgery. She will be vulnerable. For a brief period of time, she would like to avoid additional unnecessary stress. Is that so wrong?

Why is it stressful for her husband to take the baby out into the waiting room to meet the in-laws while she showers or naps?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So I am pregnant with my first, due in 8 weeks (all things going to plan). His parents have told him that they need to be called when I go into labor so they can be here for the birth and visiting in the hospital afterwards (they live 3 hours away). They are planning on staying in the area for a week after the birth. I do not want this, nor do I want them at the hospital, I only want DH. My parents, who are local, will come visit if I want in the hospital as well, but I want to wait and see how I feel. DH will not back down, and says this parents deserve the same rights as mine, and they are coming whether I like it or not. I don't really want anyone around at the hospital, or when I get home, trying to BF, bleeding, etc.

I have tried everything-backing off, coming back at it, calmly, yelling, appealing to his better sense-he just won't listen to me about wanting privacy, all he can talk about is how it's not fair my parents will be around and his aren't. My mom will most likely spend some time overnight when we first come home, and he's now saying that his mom should be able to as well, since it's only fair. I just don't know wtf to do anymore...he's never been like this before!

Am I being unreasonable, or is he?

So your parents also want to come to the hospital to visit, but they're planning to wait to see how you're feeling and will wait for your call to let them know you're ready for a visit, right? If your DH wants equal access for his parents, then it sounds like they need to be willing to wait for that same call about how you're feeling. You may very well feel up to visitors in the hospital, and in a lot of ways it could be easier to have people visit you there rather than at home. You may also not feel so great and need your time in the hospital to rest and recover. Is it possible his parents are pressuring him for more time?

I agree with other PPs who've said you and your husband need to be on the same page about this. Having kids really throws the whole "everything needs to be fair" thing out the window. Yes, both sides of the family are excited about a new baby, but you're the one who's going to give birth and need to recover, and that does mean you should have a greater say in who does and doesn't come over and for how long in the very early days. Barring any major complications, I think most parents would benefit from a little time on their own before any relatives come to stay. We had a week to ourselves after each of our children was born, and especially with the first that was so nice for both of us - we got to settle in a bit, bumble through things in pajamas all day, and start to get comfortable with our new baby.

There's also a huge difference between the kind of family whose idea of coming over to visit means holding the baby for an extended period of time, and oh, are you making anything for dinner? and the kind of family whose idea of a visit is holding the baby briefly, dropping off dinner, and saying they hope you get some rest. You can probably guess which kind of family is more helpful to have around. I was making my mother dinner when she came to visit my newborn daughter, whereas my MIL dropped off food and picked up diapers on her way over. Anyone who wants to visit in the very early weeks, and particularly anyone who wants to stay in your home, needs to be the helpful kind of visitors or they're going to drive you and your husband mad when you're already sleep deprived.

[Anonymous]

Wow, I hope the OP and the PPs who think it's perfectly reasonable to ban an IL visit to a new grandchild are making sure that you only have girls ... otherwise watch out because you know what they say about karma.

A new mom should be afforded every possible comfort and prerogative, and there are lots of restrictions that are totally reasonable - she should be able to determine whom she wants to see her in labor; who stays at the house after the baby is born; etc. But banning the grandparents from coming to see their grandchild at all is over the top. I'd be interested in hearing the OP's explanation - what possible imposition can it be to let them spend a few hours in your house with your newborn a few days after you come home from the hospital?

I don't even like my ILs but if they lived within driving distance I can't even imagine telling them they couldn't lay eyes on their new grandchild for weeks even as my own mother stayed overnight. It's just obnoxious and sets you up for a lot of power struggles and marital conflict down the road.

[Anonymous]

My belief is that it's such a special, intimate time as a couple that you may as well compromise by saying 'ok, no family' and then committing to the first 3 days alone together at home, adjusting with baby. Otherwise, there's too many cooks in the kitchen (which I sense may already be an issue with your mil).

Never again will you be a family of two, moving to a family with baby. Even if you have more babies, it won't be the same as the first scary time you have to do everything for that baby. Your relationship changes and it's good to be alone for that while you celebrate and adjust.

If a day or two out, you are bored/feel like you are on top of everything, call in family, then.

[Anonymous]

Hi everyone, OP here. Thanks to everyone who replied, even those who think I'm selfish, because you could be right-it's hard to see through the hormones sometimes! To those of you who are wondering why I posted again, it's because this has been an ongoing issue, and many people suggested I wait a while, then bring it up to DH again, when tempers had cooled. When I brought up the compromise I got from the last post (parents stay in hotel, only visit throughout the day, don't necessarily visit in the hospital if I'm not feeling up to it), he wanted nothing to do with it. He is obsessed with the idea of "fairness", and feels that if my mom is allowed to be here at night, his mom should be as well (in all fairness, if I don't want his parents at the hospital, I wouldn't have my parents there as well, although I feel like I should be able to, but I understand how he would feel that is not fair). If his mom is not doing everything my mom is, my mom is getting "more time" with the baby. I also tried to compromise and tell him I would only ask my mom to stay over at our house if I really felt like I needed help, but he still wouldn't hear of it-anything my mom does, his mom gets to do as well.

Now, it could be that I am very selfish, but honestly, his mom and I are not all that close, and I really don't want her to be trying to help in the middle of the night while I'm already stressed out from recovery, BFing, etc. I am a very private person, and the idea of his parents, and his mom at night, being up in my business right after I am done giving birth is giving me hives. I just feel like it's casting a pall over the whole birth. FTR, I am fine if his parents come up, help out, run errands, etc (that has taken some time to adjust to, but I HAVE adjusted to it), but I just don't understand how HE can't understand that my body, hormones, and feelings are going to be going through some major shit and I'd like some damn privacy. I guess, bottom line, I feel like he's placing his family above our family, his parents/mom above his wife, and that's very hurtful.

Thanks to those who were supportive and suggested counseling...I guess if I can't let this go, and it's as bad as I think it will be, then that is where we are headed

[Anonymous]

OP again-thank you to those who are reminding me interested grandparents are much better than the alternative. I know his parents are excited, and just want to see the baby...but I am offended they haven't even asked how I feel about all of this, and just assume (and have demanded from DH) that they will be coming up right as I go into labor. I just feel like my feelings are not being considered at all by DH and his parents, while they should be the most important, due to what I will be going through!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I hope the OP and the PPs who think it's perfectly reasonable to ban an IL visit to a new grandchild are making sure that you only have girls ... otherwise watch out because you know what they say about karma.

A new mom should be afforded every possible comfort and prerogative, and there are lots of restrictions that are totally reasonable - she should be able to determine whom she wants to see her in labor; who stays at the house after the baby is born; etc. But banning the grandparents from coming to see their grandchild at all is over the top. I'd be interested in hearing the OP's explanation - what possible imposition can it be to let them spend a few hours in your house with your newborn a few days after you come home from the hospital?

I don't even like my ILs but if they lived within driving distance I can't even imagine telling them they couldn't lay eyes on their new grandchild for weeks even as my own mother stayed overnight. It's just obnoxious and sets you up for a lot of power struggles and marital conflict down the road.

I posted about this (OP here), but wanted to specifically address this poster-I have come to grips with the fact that his parents have every right to visit their grandchild. EVERY RIGHT. And in fact, would have invited them to come up once I gave birth. It's the fact that DH is demanding equalness in everything, right up to his parents staying with us, and not wanting to compromise at all that makes me burn. We are not equal. I am giving birth; he is not. I will be dealing with BFing; he will not. Therefore, I think I have the right to ask his parents to come over when I feel most comfortable, NOT when he wants/feels entitled to.

[Anonymous]

I am one of the PPs, just a few follow-ups:

1) Let go of your mother spending the night. She is nearby, and if you are in a desperate emergency you and DH can't handle, she can come over. That solves your MIL spending the night.

2) Point out that you will call each set of parents AFTER the birth and TELL THEM THEN when you want visitors. If your parents are local, they don't really need to wait at the hospital.

So far, so good, right? Everything's fair?

3) Engage your OB. Go into your next appointment, and ask the OB to talk about what the post-partum recovery is like, how often the baby will breast-feed, how hard it is or isn't, what it's like for a c-section....

4) And, save this one, remind him if that if everything in the world was fair, he'd get to experience the "joys" of pregnancy and childbirth also. But his body isn't going through drastic changes, his life isn't at risk, so you're just asking for a little consideration.

[Anonymous]

Ok, so I freely admit that I am a practical problem solver - so here's the deal you are close to giving birth and these circumstances exist, so here's what I would personally do for the time being.

First, when you meet your labor and delivery nurse and your recovery nurse - I would wait until DH goes to the bathroom or to buy a drink and explain the issue with your inlaws to your nurses and tell them that they need to assist you in ushering these particular people out of the room after a certain point. Trust me - they understand and I have a zero doubt that they will help you. I mean - when I was in the hospital if someone came by there was a decent chance that one of us was having some form of testing down, so honestly visitors never saw the baby half the time. All it requires is them coming in to "run another test in the nursery" or something and voila there go the visitors - there is also quiet visitor time anyway, so they can be asked to leave then too.

Then - once you get home - and I don't mean to be passive aggressive - but I'd personally let it all hang out - yes, awkward with your mother in law and father in law, but I found nothing got people out of my house faster than me breastfeeding on the couch out in the open - at the very beginning I just couldn't use a cover because I needed to see her mouth, my nipple, and latch and re-latch quite a few times. I wasn't even trying to get them to leave, but baby was hungry and she needed to eat and it's really really hard to put a cover over at the beginning - a few weeks in I had mastered it, but it was my first time breastfeeding and the baby and I needed some time - plus my milk didn't come in until day 5, so I had a lactation consultant hanging over me in my house with a dropper of formula and a plastic tubing running into the babies mouth as she sucked on my boob!

My mother in law didn't come until 2 1/2 weeks and then only one for a day and a half and I adore her and I still found it stressful - no matter what you want your in laws to like you and think you are doing a good job with your grandchildren.

Good luck and I am sorry you are dealing with this kind of stress - it's time to enlist some other tools to make it work!

[Anonymous]

OP again-thank you to those who are reminding me interested grandparents are much better than the alternative. I know his parents are excited, and just want to see the baby...but I am offended they haven't even asked how I feel about all of this, and just assume (and have demanded from DH) that they will be coming up right as I go into labor. I just feel like my feelings are not being considered at all by DH and his parents, while they should be the most important, due to what I will be going through!

I feel for you OP. I would contact his mother directly. Explain to her that you don't want anyone in the room during labor. And if you have to -- be graphic!

They probably just want to wait in the waiting room.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you're right -- it's time to engage a neutral third party here to mediate this discussion and help you guys develop skills to deal with these types of problems.

[Anonymous]

I agree that you are in the right here, OP, I really do. I think you have the right to ask for what you need, considering you will be the one doing the seriously hard work.

But the thing is...unless your husband is going to be convinced by a comment thread on DCUM that you print out and hand to him, getting support and agreement from us is not going to be helpful. It may make you feel righteous, but that doesn't go very far. A lot of us agree with you on how things SHOULD be, but now we have to deal with what IS. I know that this all seems like the hugest thing in the world and if I were you I'd be burning up. But God willing, you and your husband have years more together, and will have more children, and this is just a blip. It really is.

I don't think you should HAVE to compromise, I agree with you, and yet, compromise is clearly what is called for. Please try to think of a way where both of you can get PART of what you want. If what he's reacting to is the idea that his parents will get less access than your parents, then maybe, just for a few days or a week or two, limit *everyone's* access equally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I hope the OP and the PPs who think it's perfectly reasonable to ban an IL visit to a new grandchild are making sure that you only have girls ... otherwise watch out because you know what they say about karma.

A new mom should be afforded every possible comfort and prerogative, and there are lots of restrictions that are totally reasonable - she should be able to determine whom she wants to see her in labor; who stays at the house after the baby is born; etc. But banning the grandparents from coming to see their grandchild at all is over the top. I'd be interested in hearing the OP's explanation - what possible imposition can it be to let them spend a few hours in your house with your newborn a few days after you come home from the hospital?

I don't even like my ILs but if they lived within driving distance I can't even imagine telling them they couldn't lay eyes on their new grandchild for weeks even as my own mother stayed overnight. It's just obnoxious and sets you up for a lot of power struggles and marital conflict down the road.

I posted about this (OP here), but wanted to specifically address this poster-I have come to grips with the fact that his parents have every right to visit their grandchild. EVERY RIGHT. And in fact, would have invited them to come up once I gave birth. It's the fact that DH is demanding equalness in everything, right up to his parents staying with us, and not wanting to compromise at all that makes me burn. We are not equal. I am giving birth; he is not. I will be dealing with BFing; he will not. Therefore, I think I have the right to ask his parents to come over when I feel most comfortable, NOT when he wants/feels entitled to.

Remember you said this when you feel like you're doing the lion's share of the child rearing and you resent that.

If you want an equal partner, he gets equal rights.

[Anonymous]

Reading this and the overzealous MIL post had me letting my husband know in no uncertain terms that I am not okay with his parents being in the delivery room. I am fine with them being around in the hospital once the baby is born - while I am not BFing. I fully acknowledge its possible I might want my mom to be in the room during delivery, and I think he is okay with that. But we have a lot of time before this all comes to pass - 5 months.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reading this and the overzealous MIL post had me letting my husband know in no uncertain terms that I am not okay with his parents being in the delivery room. I am fine with them being around in the hospital once the baby is born - while I am not BFing. I fully acknowledge its possible I might want my mom to be in the room during delivery, and I think he is okay with that. But we have a lot of time before this all comes to pass - 5 months.

This sounds reasonable. I get along very well with my inlaws, actually I love them as second parents...BUT I did not want my mil with me when I gave birth, and she never even asked, knowing how I would probably feel. I did have my family and inlaws at the hospital before and after the birth and it was great to have so many people who cared there.