at a loss as to how to make DH see reason...

[Anonymous]

What MIL thinks she gets equal access to the new mother as the mother's mother gets? That is never the case. Both MIL and DH are expecting you to do something no other new mother does. Have you told him that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What MIL thinks she gets equal access to the new mother as the mother's mother gets? That is never the case. Both MIL and DH are expecting you to do something no other new mother does. Have you told him that?

MIL doesn't want equal access to the new mother. She wants, and is entitled to, equal access to db.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What MIL thinks she gets equal access to the new mother as the mother's mother gets? That is never the case. Both MIL and DH are expecting you to do something no other new mother does. Have you told him that?

MIL doesn't want equal access to the new mother. She wants, and is entitled to, equal access to db.

Let us explain it to you again, patiently. In the first few weeks, you can't separate "access" to the baby from access to the mother, and the mother deserves to have the people she wants around to take care of HER and make her first few post partum weeks comfortable. Maternal grandmother is not there to get "access" to the baby -- she is there to take care of the new mom. In fact, many pediatricians recommend that the mother ONLY be surrounded by people she feels totally comfortable with in the first week, in order to create a peaceful environment for breastfeeding, etc. After that, I agree that she should make efforts to be fair -- but even so, nobody is "entitled" to access to anyone else's child.

[Anonymous]

"MIL doesn't want equal access to the new mother. She wants, and is entitled to, equal access to db."

Given a newborn baby should not be separated from its mother, it's effectively the same thing. And this is the one time where fair and equal between grandparents just doesn't count. Only one set of grandparents has their child in the hospital. It's different.

[Anonymous]

FWIW, here's the two cents of a BTDT mother of 3 (currently expecting baby #4): You cannot favor one set of grandparents over the other. PERIOD. And despite the fact that YOU are the one who is physically dealing with the heaving lifting so to speak, you need to be sure to take your husband's feelings into consideration. I didn't really want an audience during my labor and delivery (other than my husband), but if folks wanted to come and hang out in the waiting room for the big announcement from DH, then that was fine with me. SUGGESTION: Tell folks they can hang out in the waiting room for the big announcement, but tell them -- and make sure your DH understands this -- that you don't want folks in the labor and delivery room. PERIOD. Then tell everyone that you or your husband will call them when you are up for visitors at the hospital. You have to let the grandparents come visit the baby at the hospital. Stagger the visits, and keep them short if you want to. I always call my folks/in-laws/siblings, etc. and say, "hey, feel like heading over to see the baby around Xpm? Would you mind stopping by Starbucks (or wherever) and bringing me X?" I lined up visitors during the day and evening. Actually, I LOVED having my sisters take turns keeping me company at night while my husband went home to shower/shave/check on our other kids. And you can orchestrate a similar schedule when you get home if you'd like --- although I highly recommend having folks around to help out (even if they need instructions). I tried to take it easy as much as possible when I got home from the hospital, so I spent most of the time in my room with the baby --- but I handed the baby off so I could shower, nap, eat, relax, etc. for short periods of time throughout the day, and this seem to make the grandparents feel useful and happy. Then, when I had the baby, the grandparents usually helped clean up, do laundry, cook, etc. And that made my husband and I happy. Plus, you'll appreciate help early in the morning --- after you've been up all night with the baby. Have the in-laws bring over coffee and bagels in the morning and pass off the baby while you and your husband nap and then shower. Trust me, you'll appreciate the help (I can't wait until my in-laws come to visit once the new baby arrives).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So I am pregnant with my first, due in 8 weeks (all things going to plan). His parents have told him that they need to be called when I go into labor so they can be here for the birth and visiting in the hospital afterwards (they live 3 hours away). They are planning on staying in the area for a week after the birth. I do not want this, nor do I want them at the hospital, I only want DH. My parents, who are local, will come visit if I want in the hospital as well, but I want to wait and see how I feel. DH will not back down, and says this parents deserve the same rights as mine, and they are coming whether I like it or not. I don't really want anyone around at the hospital, or when I get home, trying to BF, bleeding, etc.

I have tried everything-backing off, coming back at it, calmly, yelling, appealing to his better sense-he just won't listen to me about wanting privacy, all he can talk about is how it's not fair my parents will be around and his aren't. My mom will most likely spend some time overnight when we first come home, and he's now saying that his mom should be able to as well, since it's only fair. I just don't know wtf to do anymore...he's never been like this before!

Am I being unreasonable, or is he?

You are supposed to be a team and if your parents get to be there, then he has the same right for his parents to be there. Yes, you are being more than unreasonable, you are being mean and don't chalk this up to your hormones, which is BS, anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi everyone, OP here. Thanks to everyone who replied, even those who think I'm selfish, because you could be right-it's hard to see through the hormones sometimes! To those of you who are wondering why I posted again, it's because this has been an ongoing issue, and many people suggested I wait a while, then bring it up to DH again, when tempers had cooled. When I brought up the compromise I got from the last post (parents stay in hotel, only visit throughout the day, don't necessarily visit in the hospital if I'm not feeling up to it), he wanted nothing to do with it. He is obsessed with the idea of "fairness", and feels that if my mom is allowed to be here at night, his mom should be as well (in all fairness, if I don't want his parents at the hospital, I wouldn't have my parents there as well, although I feel like I should be able to, but I understand how he would feel that is not fair). If his mom is not doing everything my mom is, my mom is getting "more time" with the baby. I also tried to compromise and tell him I would only ask my mom to stay over at our house if I really felt like I needed help, but he still wouldn't hear of it-anything my mom does, his mom gets to do as well.

Now, it could be that I am very selfish, but honestly, his mom and I are not all that close, and I really don't want her to be trying to help in the middle of the night while I'm already stressed out from recovery, BFing, etc. I am a very private person, and the idea of his parents, and his mom at night, being up in my business right after I am done giving birth is giving me hives. I just feel like it's casting a pall over the whole birth. FTR, I am fine if his parents come up, help out, run errands, etc (that has taken some time to adjust to, but I HAVE adjusted to it), but I just don't understand how HE can't understand that my body, hormones, and feelings are going to be going through some major shit and I'd like some damn privacy. I guess, bottom line, I feel like he's placing his family above our family, his parents/mom above his wife, and that's very hurtful.

Thanks to those who were supportive and suggested counseling...I guess if I can't let this go, and it's as bad as I think it will be, then that is where we are headed

You are a spoiled, whining, high-maintenance adult brat. Keep this attitude and where you are headed is for is Divorce Court. You will shortly be 100% responsible for another totally, completely helpless human being who deserves to have an adult mother caring for it and you need to grow up.

[Anonymous]

OP- can you clarify? Do they want to actually BE in the delivery room with you or just at the hospital waiting somewhere? Actually BEING in the delivery room with you is, in my opinion, way overstepping boundaries. My thought was that aside from medical staff, if you didn't have a hand in creating that baby, you weren't in there, so it was just DH and me.

Also, your DH might not realize how gross recovering from birth is. There is a lot of blood and a lot of bodily fluids everywhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

You are a spoiled, whining, high-maintenance adult brat. Keep this attitude and where you are headed is for is Divorce Court. You will shortly be 100% responsible for another totally, completely helpless human being who deserves to have an adult mother caring for it and you need to grow up.

Seriously?!?! You don't even know this person. I know you don't agree with her, but is it really necessary to resort to name calling?

OP is trying to sort through a tough emotional situation and is looking for help and guidance. She seems to be aware that there is room for compromise and that she may be in a situation where it's time to bring in a professional to help her and her DH sort through their issues.

What she doesn't deserve is to be verbally abused by a bunch of bitches who think she has no valid right to her feelings. Would you ever say this sort of shit to a stranger face-to-face? If not, then how about treating the other moms on this list with a little more respect. The reality is that every woman on this forum is a lot more similar to you than you think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi everyone, OP here. Thanks to everyone who replied, even those who think I'm selfish, because you could be right-it's hard to see through the hormones sometimes! To those of you who are wondering why I posted again, it's because this has been an ongoing issue, and many people suggested I wait a while, then bring it up to DH again, when tempers had cooled. When I brought up the compromise I got from the last post (parents stay in hotel, only visit throughout the day, don't necessarily visit in the hospital if I'm not feeling up to it), he wanted nothing to do with it. He is obsessed with the idea of "fairness", and feels that if my mom is allowed to be here at night, his mom should be as well (in all fairness, if I don't want his parents at the hospital, I wouldn't have my parents there as well, although I feel like I should be able to, but I understand how he would feel that is not fair). If his mom is not doing everything my mom is, my mom is getting "more time" with the baby. I also tried to compromise and tell him I would only ask my mom to stay over at our house if I really felt like I needed help, but he still wouldn't hear of it-anything my mom does, his mom gets to do as well.

Now, it could be that I am very selfish, but honestly, his mom and I are not all that close, and I really don't want her to be trying to help in the middle of the night while I'm already stressed out from recovery, BFing, etc. I am a very private person, and the idea of his parents, and his mom at night, being up in my business right after I am done giving birth is giving me hives. I just feel like it's casting a pall over the whole birth. FTR, I am fine if his parents come up, help out, run errands, etc (that has taken some time to adjust to, but I HAVE adjusted to it), but I just don't understand how HE can't understand that my body, hormones, and feelings are going to be going through some major shit and I'd like some damn privacy. I guess, bottom line, I feel like he's placing his family above our family, his parents/mom above his wife, and that's very hurtful.

Thanks to those who were supportive and suggested counseling...I guess if I can't let this go, and it's as bad as I think it will be, then that is where we are headed

You are a spoiled, whining, high-maintenance adult brat. Keep this attitude and where you are headed is for is Divorce Court. You will shortly be 100% responsible for another totally, completely helpless human being who deserves to have an adult mother caring for it and you need to grow up.

NP here, and I have not read all of the above posts. But I agree with OP, and I think the PP is entirely unreasonable in calling OP spoiled. I don't get along will with my MIl- it goes both ways. My mom and I are very close. To have my MIL staying in a house with me would drive me nuts! I would end up miserable and it would ruin my first days with my newborn. I wouldn't keep my MIL from meeting or seeing the baby, but what I would want in terms of having her around or my own mother are VERY different. I would probably have both sets of grandparents meet the baby at the hospital, but I don't think it needs to be the second the baby is born.

[Anonymous]

wow. there are a lot of strong opinions here, and i guess OP did ask for them. i don't have a strong opinion to share and write only to express my sympathy! i only recently found out i was pregnant (my first!) and am in a state of near perpetual panic. and have only begun to imagine thinking about childbirth itself. i can't really imagine it being okay for my mother-in-law to visit until i've had a couple of days to recover. but i want my mother around! (maybe even in the room!) sometimes you just need your mother. i sure hope my husband doesn't feel similarly to yours . . .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi everyone, OP here. Thanks to everyone who replied, even those who think I'm selfish, because you could be right-it's hard to see through the hormones sometimes! To those of you who are wondering why I posted again, it's because this has been an ongoing issue, and many people suggested I wait a while, then bring it up to DH again, when tempers had cooled. When I brought up the compromise I got from the last post (parents stay in hotel, only visit throughout the day, don't necessarily visit in the hospital if I'm not feeling up to it), he wanted nothing to do with it. He is obsessed with the idea of "fairness", and feels that if my mom is allowed to be here at night, his mom should be as well (in all fairness, if I don't want his parents at the hospital, I wouldn't have my parents there as well, although I feel like I should be able to, but I understand how he would feel that is not fair). If his mom is not doing everything my mom is, my mom is getting "more time" with the baby. I also tried to compromise and tell him I would only ask my mom to stay over at our house if I really felt like I needed help, but he still wouldn't hear of it-anything my mom does, his mom gets to do as well.

Now, it could be that I am very selfish, but honestly, his mom and I are not all that close, and I really don't want her to be trying to help in the middle of the night while I'm already stressed out from recovery, BFing, etc. I am a very private person, and the idea of his parents, and his mom at night, being up in my business right after I am done giving birth is giving me hives. I just feel like it's casting a pall over the whole birth. FTR, I am fine if his parents come up, help out, run errands, etc (that has taken some time to adjust to, but I HAVE adjusted to it), but I just don't understand how HE can't understand that my body, hormones, and feelings are going to be going through some major shit and I'd like some damn privacy. I guess, bottom line, I feel like he's placing his family above our family, his parents/mom above his wife, and that's very hurtful.

Thanks to those who were supportive and suggested counseling...I guess if I can't let this go, and it's as bad as I think it will be, then that is where we are headed

You are a spoiled, whining, high-maintenance adult brat. Keep this attitude and where you are headed is for is Divorce Court. You will shortly be 100% responsible for another totally, completely helpless human being who deserves to have an adult mother caring for it and you need to grow up.

OP here, while I appreciate the posters who are at least trying to help, even if they think I'm unreasonable, you're just rude. Instead of giving any kind of help, you just want to tear me down. Please stop feeling so poisonous.

To the pp who asked: his parents don't want to be in the DR (ew to ANYONE besides DH on my part!), but are insisting that they come visit at the hospital. Here is my compromise, as stated to DH:
-parents are called when I am admitted to hospital, they can come and stay at the hotel
-when I deliver, IF I feel like having guests, both sets of parents can come to hospital
-when we come home, it will just be my mom, if anyone, to stay the night, but everyone else is welcome to visit during the day for short periods of time
-parents leave after a day or so, and then come back up after a few weeks once we're all settled for a more extended stay, and can stay with us

DH/his parents want:
-to be notified at first contractions (even if I'm not in active labor) so they can drive up immediately
-come to hospital during labor, presumably stay in waiting room (no one has mentioned DR)
-have unlimited access to be in hospital room with db, regardless of how I'm feeling
-mom stay the night in the house, and parents to have full access of house during the day. I'm expected to use the nursery if I need privacy.
-parents to stay in the area for the entire first week

Again, I WANT to share the baby with his parents, I'm fine if they are around, come visit if I feel up to it, etc. I just want my feelings and desires to be considered. DH is refusing to commit to the "wait and see" approach-he says that if he can't tell his parents that they are welcome in the house and hospital room regardless, they will be upset and it's not fair to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, while I appreciate the posters who are at least trying to help, even if they think I'm unreasonable, you're just rude. Instead of giving any kind of help, you just want to tear me down. Please stop feeling so poisonous.

To the pp who asked: his parents don't want to be in the DR (ew to ANYONE besides DH on my part!), but are insisting that they come visit at the hospital. Here is my compromise, as stated to DH:
-parents are called when I am admitted to hospital, they can come and stay at the hotel
-when I deliver, IF I feel like having guests, both sets of parents can come to hospital
-when we come home, it will just be my mom, if anyone, to stay the night, but everyone else is welcome to visit during the day for short periods of time
-parents leave after a day or so, and then come back up after a few weeks once we're all settled for a more extended stay, and can stay with us

DH/his parents want:
-to be notified at first contractions (even if I'm not in active labor) so they can drive up immediately
-come to hospital during labor, presumably stay in waiting room (no one has mentioned DR)
-have unlimited access to be in hospital room with db, regardless of how I'm feeling
-mom stay the night in the house, and parents to have full access of house during the day. I'm expected to use the nursery if I need privacy.
-parents to stay in the area for the entire first week

Again, I WANT to share the baby with his parents, I'm fine if they are around, come visit if I feel up to it, etc. I just want my feelings and desires to be considered. DH is refusing to commit to the "wait and see" approach-he says that if he can't tell his parents that they are welcome in the house and hospital room regardless, they will be upset and it's not fair to them.

OP, I've posted a couple times about how I don't think you should HAVE to compromise. Have you said all the things to your husband that you've said here? Have you told him that it feels like he is choosing his mom's wishes over yours? Have you told him how that hurts your feelings?

I don't think that some of the things they are asking for are reasonable at all. I cannot imagine a scenario where someone who doesn't live in my house is given full access to the entire rest of the house. I also cannot imagine a scenario where it would be acceptable for the needs of one person to totally trump every single thing that is being requested by another person, which is essentially what's going on here. In his attempts to make sure that his parents feel like they are being treated fairly, he is treating YOU very UNfairly.

If I were you, I would tell him that you would rather not have anyone stay at the house, out of fairness, and that you reserve the right to say that you're not up for visitors and that if his parents are upset about that, they will just have to suck it up. He is not being reasonable and despite the extreme nastiness you've gotten from a few people, it sounds to me like you are trying to find a workable solution. For me, the MIL staying in the house and full access to everything would be the only two places that would have no wiggle room.

[Anonymous]

Your proposal sounds totally reasonable, and attempts to seek accomodation between interests.

But theirs seems unreasonable and doesn't take you into account -- really, they get access to your HOSPITAL ROOM no matter how you feel? They MUST stay overnight and you have to be relegated to the nursery?

I think you need to have a short session with a marriage counselor to work this out, stat. It's really worrying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi everyone, OP here. Thanks to everyone who replied, even those who think I'm selfish, because you could be right-it's hard to see through the hormones sometimes! To those of you who are wondering why I posted again, it's because this has been an ongoing issue, and many people suggested I wait a while, then bring it up to DH again, when tempers had cooled. When I brought up the compromise I got from the last post (parents stay in hotel, only visit throughout the day, don't necessarily visit in the hospital if I'm not feeling up to it), he wanted nothing to do with it. He is obsessed with the idea of "fairness", and feels that if my mom is allowed to be here at night, his mom should be as well (in all fairness, if I don't want his parents at the hospital, I wouldn't have my parents there as well, although I feel like I should be able to, but I understand how he would feel that is not fair). If his mom is not doing everything my mom is, my mom is getting "more time" with the baby. I also tried to compromise and tell him I would only ask my mom to stay over at our house if I really felt like I needed help, but he still wouldn't hear of it-anything my mom does, his mom gets to do as well.

Now, it could be that I am very selfish, but honestly, his mom and I are not all that close, and I really don't want her to be trying to help in the middle of the night while I'm already stressed out from recovery, BFing, etc. I am a very private person, and the idea of his parents, and his mom at night, being up in my business right after I am done giving birth is giving me hives. I just feel like it's casting a pall over the whole birth. FTR, I am fine if his parents come up, help out, run errands, etc (that has taken some time to adjust to, but I HAVE adjusted to it), but I just don't understand how HE can't understand that my body, hormones, and feelings are going to be going through some major shit and I'd like some damn privacy. I guess, bottom line, I feel like he's placing his family above our family, his parents/mom above his wife, and that's very hurtful.

Thanks to those who were supportive and suggested counseling...I guess if I can't let this go, and it's as bad as I think it will be, then that is where we are headed

You are a spoiled, whining, high-maintenance adult brat. Keep this attitude and where you are headed is for is Divorce Court. You will shortly be 100% responsible for another totally, completely helpless human being who deserves to have an adult mother caring for it and you need to grow up.

OP here, while I appreciate the posters who are at least trying to help, even if they think I'm unreasonable, you're just rude. Instead of giving any kind of help, you just want to tear me down. Please stop feeling so poisonous.

To the pp who asked: his parents don't want to be in the DR (ew to ANYONE besides DH on my part!), but are insisting that they come visit at the hospital. Here is my compromise, as stated to DH:
-parents are called when I am admitted to hospital, they can come and stay at the hotel
-when I deliver, IF I feel like having guests, both sets of parents can come to hospital
-when we come home, it will just be my mom, if anyone, to stay the night, but everyone else is welcome to visit during the day for short periods of time
-parents leave after a day or so, and then come back up after a few weeks once we're all settled for a more extended stay, and can stay with us

DH/his parents want:
-to be notified at first contractions (even if I'm not in active labor) so they can drive up immediately
-come to hospital during labor, presumably stay in waiting room (no one has mentioned DR)
-have unlimited access to be in hospital room with db, regardless of how I'm feeling
-mom stay the night in the house, and parents to have full access of house during the day. I'm expected to use the nursery if I need privacy.
-parents to stay in the area for the entire first week

Again, I WANT to share the baby with his parents, I'm fine if they are around, come visit if I feel up to it, etc. I just want my feelings and desires to be considered. DH is refusing to commit to the "wait and see" approach-he says that if he can't tell his parents that they are welcome in the house and hospital room regardless, they will be upset and it's not fair to them.

Regardless of whether you agree to these things (and I think it very much matters what you think, OP), your husband's/his parents' list of wants don't really take into account the unpredictable nature of giving birth. I was in labor for almost 20 hours from water breaking to baby arriving with my first, and that would have been a long damn time for any of our family members to be sitting around in the waiting room. Our second was born on my third trip to L&D - twice I went to the hospital in what seemed like fairly active labor, and twice I went home a few hours later. As for expecting unlimited access to the hospital room, I think they're overlooking the part where a steady stream of medical staff will be in and out of the room to check on you and baby, and for some of those checks nurses will be very much up in your business. There were also just two places to sit in my hospital room, which wasn't really conducive to long, multi-person visits.

Have you done a hospital tour and/or a childbirth class, OP? I would think both of those things might help your husband understand how impractical what his parents are proposing are.