at a loss as to how to make DH see reason...

[Anonymous]

OP it's reasonable that you are in total control of who gets to visit YOU after the birth. But the BABY is your DH's too, and he has just as much right to share his joy and excitement with his family as you do with yours. If the parents want to come to the hospital and you're truly not up for it, let DH take them and the baby to the nursery for a bit while you get some rest. Same thing when you get home--I agree they should not be staying over at your house if you don't want them to, but if they are in a hotel and want to stop by for an hour or two each day, let DH visit with them and the baby and you can take a shower or sleep. If the baby gets hungry during that time DH can bring him to you.

If you try to draw a line in the sand with your DH about controlling access to the baby, even BEFORE day one, you will regret it.

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound a bit selfish. Why can't your dh's parents visit as well? Do they not have a right? Do your parents get precedence because you are the one actually giving birth. I think your dh probably feels like you are leaving them out in this process, and I would agree.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think there are two issues here -- during labor and delivery, I think you have every right to control the visitors list (and frankly, if you don't want someone allowed in, you can just tell them so at the hospital, although I wouldn't recommend going this route). But after the baby is born, and certainly after you leave the hospital, I think you may want to consider giving a little. You're probably going to feel the effects of labor and delivery for several weeks, and if you're waiting to feel "comfortable" with your new baby, heck, we may be talking six months here. I don't think I'd advise asking the ILs to hang tight until then

Can you say more about how your DH has approached this problem? Has he been willing to discuss? Has he proposed any compromises (even if they aren't workable for you)? Or has he just said "It shall be as I wish it" and ended the conversation? If we were to ask DH for his opinion on how this has all gone down, what would he say?

[Anonymous]

I'm kind of at a loss as to why OP is posting this whole story all over again, getting the exact same range of responses. OP, seriously, chime in here, what do you want? Were you hoping for different results??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm kind of at a loss as to why OP is posting this whole story all over again, getting the exact same range of responses. OP, seriously, chime in here, what do you want? Were you hoping for different results??

Probably because the OP is just as unreasonable as her husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree. The compromise you're proposing (even though you said no compromises) is that no set of grandparents be privileged over the other set. I think that's what the OP's husband is reacting to, and whether any of us think he's right or wrong, it doesn't seem like he's going to budge on this. So someone has to figure out another way, and your way sounds as good as any. What that means is that the OP may not see her Mom as much as she might like to in those early days, but hopefully there'll be years to make up the difference.

The only thing I would propose as a difference is that DH does not need to call anyone when the labor begins. I think it might be more comfortable for all concerned to call after it's over.

I would agree with that, except that the in laws do have to drive several hours, so her local parents will be perceived to be getting special treatment because they will show up first (absent development of effective teleportation in the next 8 weeks).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is about to get knocked down a peg on the totem pole in your house once the baby comes. Some men don't handle this well. If you push out your husband's parents, it's going to make him extremely resentful and you are going to exacerbate this even more.

There is middle ground here. Sure, you can dig in your heels like the PPs have encouraged you and say it's all about you and your healing. Would you be right? Maybe. But if you stepped into a crosswalk without looking, you'd be right, too-- but if a car splatters you across the pavement you'd be right and dead. Doesn't seem worth it, does it?

Marriage is long and having a baby is stressful. If you and your DH can't come to a reasonable agreement about this, I really fear for your family's future. This is the easy stuff. The hard part hasn't even started yet.

Marriage counseling is in order.

+ 1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just keep explaining why you feel the way you do. Do it in as calm of a tone as possible.

I don't believe in compromise when it comes to these things. If you don't want people there, you don't want people there-period. Sorry, whoever pushes the baby out gets to decide who is there while they are tired, bloody, and leaking fluids.

Yes, this is one time where it is about you and what you want. There will be plenty of time to compromise later. I wish people would stop being so pushy about who is at the delivery and home immediately afterwards.

I also agree with this. I'm also not comfortable having people around, and it was just DH and I for our first baby. It will be just DH and I for the second. The in-laws were more than welcome to come visit (LATER!). They came for 2 weeks about a month after the birth. My parents came a few weeks after also.

Nobody came to the hospital. I would have been way too uncomfortable with that. I don't hate my in-laws, I just wouldn't want anyone there at that time.

Sorry, OP that you DH isn't being supportive. Hope it works out for you.

Problem is that OP isn't saying no one. She's saying my mom but not yours.

I think this is COMPLETELY REASONABLE! It's her MOTHER. It is totally different to have your own mother there taking care of you than having your MIL. Now if it were the H that was giving birth, then it would be reasonable to expect that HIS mother take care of HIM not hers. Geez people, don't you see the difference?? Your mother has known you your whole life, gave birth to you, took care of you when you were sick, etc. etc. You just don't have the same level of comfort with your MIL, who you've known only a short while in comparison, no matter how close you are to her.

I agree with this pp. This is one issue that I think is non-negotiable. Your DH needs to understand that it's not just a matter of who gets to visit when, but who you will feel most comfortable with having around when your boobs are hanging out, you're sore, bleeding and leaking fluids. Guys just don't get that.

[Anonymous]

Well, I don't get it either. She's the grandmother, she ought to be allowed to see the baby just as soon as the other grandmother. Both my mom and MIL saw my kids on day 1. When I needed to feed the baby they went out to the lounge area.

And people wonder why they have poor relationships with their MILs. Making your MIL not welcome at such a major life event is a good start in alienating her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, I don't get it either. She's the grandmother, she ought to be allowed to see the baby just as soon as the other grandmother. Both my mom and MIL saw my kids on day 1. When I needed to feed the baby they went out to the lounge area.

And people wonder why they have poor relationships with their MILs. Making your MIL not welcome at such a major life event is a good start in alienating her.

Relatedly, forcing your presence on an emotionally vulnerable state is a good start to alienating THEM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, I don't get it either. She's the grandmother, she ought to be allowed to see the baby just as soon as the other grandmother. Both my mom and MIL saw my kids on day 1. When I needed to feed the baby they went out to the lounge area.

And people wonder why they have poor relationships with their MILs. Making your MIL not welcome at such a major life event is a good start in alienating her.

Relatedly, forcing your presence on an emotionally vulnerable state is a good start to alienating THEM.

I meant "on an emotionally vulnerable person". Don't know where "state" came from.

[Anonymous]

OP, you and DH will need help after the baby arrives. Don't turn the nice gesture into battle. You will need to eat well to recover and to produce breastmilk, there will be a lot of laundry to do from you and your baby. Baby needs diaper change so often, and the throwing ups, burping and holding upright after nursing. DH can be clueless and his mom can really be helpful. On top of that, it is really nice to be able to share the first few magic hours after the baby is out with people that love and care for you, DH and the baby. When the second baby comes along, you also need help looking after your first born while you are handling the new born. I would say, step back, don't think of this as a compromise, think of this as a celebration and embrace all the love and help you can get. That being said, you can of course request everyone to washing their hands before touching the baby, ask DH to remind everyone to cover their months when sneezing, and whatever rules you want to set up. This is a big moment for you, DH and the grandparents, embrace it and enjoy it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, I don't get it either. She's the grandmother, she ought to be allowed to see the baby just as soon as the other grandmother. Both my mom and MIL saw my kids on day 1. When I needed to feed the baby they went out to the lounge area.

And people wonder why they have poor relationships with their MILs. Making your MIL not welcome at such a major life event is a good start in alienating her.

Relatedly, forcing your presence on an emotionally vulnerable state is a good start to alienating THEM.

I meant "on an emotionally vulnerable person". Don't know where "state" came from.

I'm sure the MIL doesn't really want to hang out with the OP. She wants to meet her grandchild. Is that so wrong?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sure the MIL doesn't really want to hang out with the OP. She wants to meet her grandchild. Is that so wrong?

No, it's not wrong. But like I said up thread, the early days are really a lot more about the mom than the baby (at least in my experience) and I think that MIL needs to respect that. It is DEFINITELY not about the grandparents at that stage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, I don't get it either. She's the grandmother, she ought to be allowed to see the baby just as soon as the other grandmother. Both my mom and MIL saw my kids on day 1. When I needed to feed the baby they went out to the lounge area.

And people wonder why they have poor relationships with their MILs. Making your MIL not welcome at such a major life event is a good start in alienating her.

Relatedly, forcing your presence on an emotionally vulnerable state is a good start to alienating THEM.

I meant "on an emotionally vulnerable person". Don't know where "state" came from.

I'm sure the MIL doesn't really want to hang out with the OP. She wants to meet her grandchild. Is that so wrong?

No. OP will have just pushed a person out of her vagina, or will have had major abdominal surgery. She will be vulnerable. For a brief period of time, she would like to avoid additional unnecessary stress. Is that so wrong?