Evaluate this married couple's division of labor

[Anonymous]

I think that Spouse B bragging about making "from scratch meals" when they work from home and making a dig at Spouse A for making frozen dinners when they're in office 5 days/week is petty nonsense. It would make more sense to split dinners week days vs. weekends, with leftovers or takeout or easy frozen meals on the days both parents work in the office.

[Anonymous]

Work from home parent with flexible schedule should do more in my opinion. I was that until I was DOGEd and I never complained. Now I do 95% of everything and don’t complain. This is ridiculously nitpicking though because both are doing a decent amount,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This feels pretty even to me. I don't tend to think this kind of careful count is helpful, but if you're doing it, let's be systematic:

Spouse A
* Works in office 5 days a week; contributes one-fourth of household income
SPOUSE B
* Works in office 2-3 days per week with great flexibility; contributes 3/4 of HHI

Spouse A is spending more time on work and has less flexibility in work. I don't think the HHI contribution matters because we're talking about dividing up labor not income.

SPOUSE A
* Responsible for managing family calendar to include scheduling kids activities, camps, etc.
SPOUSE B
* Responsible for family finances including budgeting, retirement planning, bill pay

This seems like similar levels of labor to me.

SPOUSE A
* Does the holiday gift shopping
SPOUSE B
* Plans family vacations/trips

Spouse B is probably doing more work, but both of these intermittent obligations.

SPOUSE A
* Prepares the weekly grocery list for grocery store pickup
SPOUSE B
* Picks up and puts up groceries

I find planning to be a lot more work than picking up, so I'd vote that spouse A is doing more work.

SPOUSE A
* Washing and folding of kids laundry AND
* Schedules house cleaners (they aren't on regular schedule)
SPOUSE B
* Cleans house in between cleaners visits to include vacuuming/mopping, bathrooms, dusting

Cleaning is more work than laundry and scheduling, but it really depends on how much you're actually cleaning if you have cleaners.

SPOUSE A
* Prepares school lunches
Spouse B
* Packs school lunches and feeds kids breakfast

Feels fairly evenly matched unless breakfast is a major undertaking. Each is preparing one meal; packing a lunch someone else prepared isn't much work.

SPOUSE A
* Picks up kids from school
SPOUSE B
* Drops off kids at school and is the primary at-home parent (watches kids on no-school days, picks up kids when sick or early dismissals)

Spouse B is doing more here.

SPOUSE A
* Shuttles kids to evening activities with occasional help from spouse
SPOUSE B
* Primary shuttle for kids weekend activities with occasional help from spouse

Even unless there's a huge difference between weekend and weekday activity burdens. Weekday activities are a little worse on average because of traffic, to my mind, but it's a minor difference. Both get occasional help.

SPOUSE A
* Responsible for daily dinners every other week (mostly cooks packaged meals like frozen dinners)
SPOUSE B
* Responsible for daily dinners every other week (mostly cooks from scratch meals)

This is even. Spouse B's decision to cook from scratch is a choice which can be abandoned if this is too much work.

SPOUSE A
* Coaches/leads two kids sports/activities
SPOUSE B
* Coaches/leads two kids sports/activities

Obviously balanced.

That leaves two which aren't well paired

SPOUSE A
* Shops for kids clothes
SPOUSE B
* Responsible for house and yard maintenance and upkeep including planning and coordination of contractors for large projects and hands-on work for routine maintenance and repairs

Spouse B has a much bigger job here.

Most of those paired obligations are balanced. Where they're not balanced, Spouse A has one big extra obligation (work) and Spouse B has 2-3, but Spouse A's extra obligation is more constant (you work/commute much more than you organize big projects or deal with days off school). I'd find that balanced from either side, I think.

OP here and thanks for this reasonable take. I appreciate the outside perspective.... that's what I was looking for (not scorekeeping or votes).

[Anonymous]

We have a similar divison of labor and income (though same flex like spouse B).

We definitely have days where we feel beat down, but in the end, we both do tasks that we inherently enjoy (cooking, yardwork, etc...) so we feel it's fair.

For the people asking about why income matters, I think it does in that if someone needs to take a hit to watch a sick kid, it needs to primarily fall on the partner whose income you could more afford to lose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Explain to me how the split of income is relevant here, Spouse OP. I mean B.

+1. When we became parents, my wife made 1/3 of HHI, now she makes 2/3. My job has always been more flexible, though. I was the one handling home stuff when I made most of our income and when that changed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It looks very equal to me
House and yard maintenance is important but is not the same mental load as some of the other stuff, its not as frequent.
Also, I dont see how the HHI should be a factor. Ive seem that before on DCUM. How much you make is not a factor in the division of labor.

I agree on the HHI issue. I shouldn't have included that. That was frustration speaking. I disagree that house and yard maintenence aren't frequent. There's always something that needs to be done and it's at least once a week, if not a few times each week. There's mental load associated with prioritizing, but I'll accept that all in all things seem fairly equal

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Picking kids up from school is more burdensome if it’s harder for that spouse to leave by a certain time (something that both my spouse and I struggle with). Also, with younger children, pickup potentially takes longer (need to go into school to pick up kid
Etc).

Drop off is a piece of cake. You probably don’t even need to get out of the car or go into the school.

Scheduling kids activities and appointments takes more energy than bill pay/ budgeting / investments (most of which is likely automated).

Driving around in the evening is also more exhausting than weekends.

What are the biggest pain points for each spouse?

I think scheduling activities is a HUGE energy spend. But I disagree that finances is far behind. Money is a leading cause of divorce. What if one partner is a saver and the other is a spender. Managing that may not be as simple as "autopay"

[Anonymous]

Seems pretty even to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Picking kids up from school is more burdensome if it’s harder for that spouse to leave by a certain time (something that both my spouse and I struggle with). Also, with younger children, pickup potentially takes longer (need to go into school to pick up kid
Etc).

Drop off is a piece of cake. You probably don’t even need to get out of the car or go into the school.

Scheduling kids activities and appointments takes more energy than bill pay/ budgeting / investments (most of which is likely automated).

Driving around in the evening is also more exhausting than weekends.

What are the biggest pain points for each spouse?

I think scheduling activities is a HUGE energy spend. But I disagree that finances is far behind. Money is a leading cause of divorce. What if one partner is a saver and the other is a spender. Managing that may not be as simple as "autopay"

I'm a DP who said that managing finances is not that big of a deal, and I think you may have a point -- if neither partner has an aptitude or affinity for it, it can be a big time/energy suck. It's the kind of thing that if you don't like it or majorly mess it up it can be genuinely terrible, but if one partner took it on because it's in their wheelhouse I think it can be as easy as set it and forget it. I felt like this was the breakdown of a couple where neither like to cook or schlep because those are the only things broken in two right down the middle, and the other jobs were broken up by aptitude. But that's obviously an assumption.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This feels pretty even to me. I don't tend to think this kind of careful count is helpful, but if you're doing it, let's be systematic:

Spouse A
* Works in office 5 days a week; contributes one-fourth of household income
SPOUSE B
* Works in office 2-3 days per week with great flexibility; contributes 3/4 of HHI

Spouse A is spending more time on work and has less flexibility in work. I don't think the HHI contribution matters because we're talking about dividing up labor not income.

SPOUSE A
* Responsible for managing family calendar to include scheduling kids activities, camps, etc.
SPOUSE B
* Responsible for family finances including budgeting, retirement planning, bill pay

This seems like similar levels of labor to me.

SPOUSE A
* Does the holiday gift shopping
SPOUSE B
* Plans family vacations/trips

Spouse B is probably doing more work, but both of these intermittent obligations.

SPOUSE A
* Prepares the weekly grocery list for grocery store pickup
SPOUSE B
* Picks up and puts up groceries

I find planning to be a lot more work than picking up, so I'd vote that spouse A is doing more work.

SPOUSE A
* Washing and folding of kids laundry AND
* Schedules house cleaners (they aren't on regular schedule)
SPOUSE B
* Cleans house in between cleaners visits to include vacuuming/mopping, bathrooms, dusting

Cleaning is more work than laundry and scheduling, but it really depends on how much you're actually cleaning if you have cleaners.

SPOUSE A
* Prepares school lunches
Spouse B
* Packs school lunches and feeds kids breakfast

Feels fairly evenly matched unless breakfast is a major undertaking. Each is preparing one meal; packing a lunch someone else prepared isn't much work.

SPOUSE A
* Picks up kids from school
SPOUSE B
* Drops off kids at school and is the primary at-home parent (watches kids on no-school days, picks up kids when sick or early dismissals)

Spouse B is doing more here.

SPOUSE A
* Shuttles kids to evening activities with occasional help from spouse
SPOUSE B
* Primary shuttle for kids weekend activities with occasional help from spouse

Even unless there's a huge difference between weekend and weekday activity burdens. Weekday activities are a little worse on average because of traffic, to my mind, but it's a minor difference. Both get occasional help.

SPOUSE A
* Responsible for daily dinners every other week (mostly cooks packaged meals like frozen dinners)
SPOUSE B
* Responsible for daily dinners every other week (mostly cooks from scratch meals)

This is even. Spouse B's decision to cook from scratch is a choice which can be abandoned if this is too much work.

SPOUSE A
* Coaches/leads two kids sports/activities
SPOUSE B
* Coaches/leads two kids sports/activities

Obviously balanced.

That leaves two which aren't well paired

SPOUSE A
* Shops for kids clothes
SPOUSE B
* Responsible for house and yard maintenance and upkeep including planning and coordination of contractors for large projects and hands-on work for routine maintenance and repairs

Spouse B has a much bigger job here.

Most of those paired obligations are balanced. Where they're not balanced, Spouse A has one big extra obligation (work) and Spouse B has 2-3, but Spouse A's extra obligation is more constant (you work/commute much more than you organize big projects or deal with days off school). I'd find that balanced from either side, I think.

😩

[Anonymous]

They are pretty even to me. I don't know why you're arguing, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So spouse B, do you have an automated scoring system or is it still manual? Do you think if you go to your spouse who doesn’t agree and present a majority vote of internet strangers *that* will turn the tide? Do you just need to hear “you’re right”?

If so, you’re right, spouse B. Congrats. You’re the winner.

Better now?

This.

[Anonymous]

Make other people coach your kids activities! This is a lot!

[Anonymous]

Feels more even than most marriages out there.

If I have to pick one who is doing more, it's spouse B, but not by much.

FWIW, if both have jobs, I don't consider what the percent of HHI is to be relevant. I'm sure reasonable minds could differ about that, but it's how I see it.

[Anonymous]

Just pool money and labor, no need to base chores on your income levels. Your goal is to be fair, kind and flexible so everyone is happy. Life in a capitalist society with two jobs, two kids and a house to manage is tough so you've to find ways to make it comfortable.