Evaluate this married couple's division of labor

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd say you both need to grow up. Bean counting must stop. This me vs them mentality will kill your marriage.

This!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Income level is irrelevant. You need to stop approaching your marriage like you are keeping score.

This too!!

[Anonymous]

It sounds like the wife is doing more (including making most of the income), but this is by far the most fair division of labor I have ever seen.

[Anonymous]

Both spouses should have equal leisure time. That’s it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Picking kids up from school is more burdensome if it’s harder for that spouse to leave by a certain time (something that both my spouse and I struggle with). Also, with younger children, pickup potentially takes longer (need to go into school to pick up kid
Etc).

Drop off is a piece of cake. You probably don’t even need to get out of the car or go into the school.

Scheduling kids activities and appointments takes more energy than bill pay/ budgeting / investments (most of which is likely automated).

Driving around in the evening is also more exhausting than weekends.

What are the biggest pain points for each spouse?

I think scheduling activities is a HUGE energy spend. But I disagree that finances is far behind. Money is a leading cause of divorce. What if one partner is a saver and the other is a spender. Managing that may not be as simple as "autopay"

If you have to manage your spouse’s spending and count that as a household activity, please find a counselor to reach common ground.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In many cases, one income pays all the bills while other income only pays for that earner's shopping bills or student debt, expecting higher earner to not feel more pressure isn't realistic.

As a wife who make virtually all the money, I don’t think this stress means I get to do less at home. That is nonsense. My “big job” means that I cannot do stuff when I travel, it doesn’t mean I got to not do home stuff in the evening because I’m “just so very stressed.”

I am a wife who earns most of our money. It absolutely means I will opt out of some household chores. I don’t opt out due to stress per se, but I am absolutely more tired at the end of the day than my husband who works less.

[Anonymous]

It seems kind of unfair to put down spouse A for making pre-prepared dinners when they WOH AND are responsible for getting kids to all their activities on weekdays.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In many cases, one income pays all the bills while other income only pays for that earner's shopping bills or student debt, expecting higher earner to not feel more pressure isn't realistic.

As a wife who make virtually all the money, I don’t think this stress means I get to do less at home. That is nonsense. My “big job” means that I cannot do stuff when I travel, it doesn’t mean I got to not do home stuff in the evening because I’m “just so very stressed.”

I am a wife who earns most of our money. It absolutely means I will opt out of some household chores. I don’t opt out due to stress per se, but I am absolutely more tired at the end of the day than my husband who works less.

But in this OP, the person who makes more works less. Likewise I make more than my husband but have an easier/more flexible schedule. I work from home and he's back in the office 5 days/week. I'm not going to sit on the couch waiting for him to get home and start dinner because I don't want to pitch in because I make 65% of the HHI or something, that's bizarre.

[Anonymous]

OP should have asked, “what spouse (A or B) you would rather be?”

People who have no dog in this fight would say, “it’s even.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They are pretty even to me. I don't know why you're arguing, OP.

Yes, it sounds like you guys have a great distribution to me. When “the tally” I think it’s important to recognize which things are done out of joy and not obligation. Things like cooking from scratch and coaching sports teams are usually done because they make a person happy. You don’t get to count that in martyrdom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:New take:
Why can't the kids pack their own lunches, make their own breakfast cereal, walk to school and at least fold there own clothes? At that age I was bathing/dressing myself, making my own lunch, walking to school and washing my own clothes.

....Spouse B is doing more.

I would agree with this. One of the things that we did in our family to bring the most harmony is that everyone does their own laundry.
my husband does linens because he doesn’t mind folding them while watching TV

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Division of labor has recently become an issue in our marriage. Before losing my mind, I want unbiased opinions on whether either spouse has a legitimate gripe. I've tried to be fair in putting together a list of each spouse's responsibilities to see if either of us are overreacting. Neither of us seems to feel like our contributions are appreciated.

Are we both stuck in our own silo. Is this a fair division of labor or does either Spouse A or B have the right to complain? Are there any areas I may be missing? Any recommendations to minimize the headbutting. For context we have two elementary aged kids (3rd and 5th grade).

SPOUSE A
* Works in office 5 days a week; contributes one-fourth of household income
* Responsible for managing family calendar to include scheduling kids activities, camps, etc.
* Does the holiday gift shopping
* Prepares the weekly grocery list for grocery store pickup
* Washing and folding of kids laundry
* Schedules house cleaners (they aren't on regular schedule)
* Shops for kids clothes
* Prepares school lunches
* Picks up kids from school
* Shuttles kids to evening activities with occasional help from spouse
* Responsible for daily dinners every other week (mostly cooks packaged meals like frozen dinners)
* Coaches/leads two kids sports/activities

SPOUSE B
* Works in office 2-3 days per week with great flexibility; contributes 3/4 of HHI
* Responsible for family finances including budgeting, retirement planning, bill pay
* Plans family vacations/trips
* Responsible for house and yard maintenance and upkeep including planning and coordination of contractors for large projects and hands-on work for routine maintenance and repairs
* Picks up and puts up groceries
* Cleans house in between cleaners visits to include vacuuming/mopping, bathrooms, dusting
* Packs school lunches and feeds kids breakfast
* Drops off kids at school and is the primary at-home parent (watches kids on no-school days, picks up kids when sick or early dismissals)
* Primary shuttle for kids weekend activities with occasional help from spouse
* Responsible for daily dinners every other week (mostly cooks from scratch meals)
* Coaches/leads two kids sports/activities

All I know is this sort of bean counting that is the premise of this post, which is made in terrible faith, barely masks contempt, and contempt is a marriage killer. I see divorce in your future. Anyone who thinks this way is incapable of being a good spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that Spouse B bragging about making "from scratch meals" when they work from home and making a dig at Spouse A for making frozen dinners when they're in office 5 days/week is petty nonsense. It would make more sense to split dinners week days vs. weekends, with leftovers or takeout or easy frozen meals on the days both parents work in the office.

Come on, now. NO ONE should be serving frozen meals. NEVER.

Have the decency to microwave them. It takes three or four minutes. Someone might break a tooth, otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Spouse B is making 75% of the household income but insists on doing the cleaning themselves and using it as a point against Spouse A that they are doing more work. Same with the scratch cooking. That is completely Spouse B’s preference.

It’s also hilarious that “putting away groceries” and “packs the lunch that the other spouse prepared” are making it onto this little tit-for-tat list

[Anonymous]

Also I would MUCH rather plan vacations (we don’t take them), over having to figure out Christmas presents for literally everyone in DH’s family and having some people clearly not be as happy with their presents because…..well, I don’t know them very well, and we don’t spend time together. WTF. You get to GO on vacation!!!!!!!