Evaluate this married couple's division of labor

[Anonymous]

Hi cleaning person that comes in once a week and does laundry come on people. It’s not complicated..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Spouse B OP here. I appreciate many of the comments here. I'll take some suggestions to heart. I'll also accept that the division of labor is fairly equal.

To address a couple of things though: one, I'm not the only one complaining. Spouse A thinks they're contributions are significantly outsized.

Also, ironically, Spouse A didn't do all of the laundry last time so one kid doesn't have clean underwear today. Is it the end of the world? No. But it's frustrating if that's one of their big responsibilities and it didn't get done.

Anyway, even with that, I'm in a better place on this

You should work with your kid on realizing and pointing out when they're low on clean clothes. This is something I have to work with my own similarly aged kid on, but it's also a reasonable thing for a kid that old to be doing. Part of the learning curve of that is, of course, that sometimes they end up dressed a little wrong or rewearing something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spouse B OP here. I appreciate many of the comments here. I'll take some suggestions to heart. I'll also accept that the division of labor is fairly equal.

To address a couple of things though: one, I'm not the only one complaining. Spouse A thinks they're contributions are significantly outsized.

Also, ironically, Spouse A didn't do all of the laundry last time so one kid doesn't have clean underwear today. Is it the end of the world? No. But it's frustrating if that's one of their big responsibilities and it didn't get done.

Anyway, even with that, I'm in a better place on this

You should work with your kid on realizing and pointing out when they're low on clean clothes. This is something I have to work with my own similarly aged kid on, but it's also a reasonable thing for a kid that old to be doing. Part of the learning curve of that is, of course, that sometimes they end up dressed a little wrong or rewearing something.

I don't disagree. Emotionally, if Spouse A never has to think about or handle Spouse B's responsibilities, Spouse B shouldn't have to think about Spouse B's. It's frustrating to have to figure out clean clothes when the other drops the ball. Anyway, I'll move away from the score keeping

[Anonymous]

Spouse B- why can’t you handle weekday dinners since Spouse A has to work in the office, commute, pick up kids and then also drive them to practice / activities?

[Anonymous]

Your kids are old enough that they should be responsible for doing and folding their own laundry. Maybe Spouse A could make that a goal to teach them this over the summer. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Division of labor has recently become an issue in our marriage. Before losing my mind, I want unbiased opinions on whether either spouse has a legitimate gripe. I've tried to be fair in putting together a list of each spouse's responsibilities to see if either of us are overreacting. Neither of us seems to feel like our contributions are appreciated.

Are we both stuck in our own silo. Is this a fair division of labor or does either Spouse A or B have the right to complain? Are there any areas I may be missing? Any recommendations to minimize the headbutting. For context we have two elementary aged kids (3rd and 5th grade).

SPOUSE A
* Works in office 5 days a week; contributes one-fourth of household income
* Responsible for managing family calendar to include scheduling kids activities, camps, etc.
* Does the holiday gift shopping
* Prepares the weekly grocery list for grocery store pickup
* Washing and folding of kids laundry
* Schedules house cleaners (they aren't on regular schedule)
* Shops for kids clothes
* Prepares school lunches
* Picks up kids from school
* Shuttles kids to evening activities with occasional help from spouse
* Responsible for daily dinners every other week (mostly cooks packaged meals like frozen dinners)
* Coaches/leads two kids sports/activities

SPOUSE B
* Works in office 2-3 days per week with great flexibility; contributes 3/4 of HHI
* Responsible for family finances including budgeting, retirement planning, bill pay
* Plans family vacations/trips
* Responsible for house and yard maintenance and upkeep including planning and coordination of contractors for large projects and hands-on work for routine maintenance and repairs
* Picks up and puts up groceries
* Cleans house in between cleaners visits to include vacuuming/mopping, bathrooms, dusting
* Packs school lunches and feeds kids breakfast
* Drops off kids at school and is the primary at-home parent (watches kids on no-school days, picks up kids when sick or early dismissals)
* Primary shuttle for kids weekend activities with occasional help from spouse
* Responsible for daily dinners every other week (mostly cooks from scratch meals)
* Coaches/leads two kids sports/activities

Spouse B feel they are essential (higher income, default at-home parent.) but their household tasks aren't as tiring (most are occasional, and the extra cleaning and from-scratch cooking sounds like a choice). I would take Spouse B's place and would be happy.

Spouse A feels more utterly exhausted (more drugery and daily and weekly obligations -- more cooking, pick up, laundry, plus a daily commute). I would never choose Spouse As life, it really sounds like a grind.

You need to adjust your lives to make Spouse A's life less exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Spouse B- why can’t you handle weekday dinners since Spouse A has to work in the office, commute, pick up kids and then also drive them to practice / activities?

Yeah having to do the commute + evening activities + dinner is a lot piled up all at once.

[Anonymous]

Ewww
You're in a tit for tat marriage.

[Anonymous]

both contributing lots

and so much better than building resentment, leading to divorce, which often leaves 1 (the mom) doing 110% of everything. I didn't realize how overwhelming it was until DH abandoned and left us in this very unfortunate situation.

[Anonymous]

As the wife and the lower earning spouse, I do both lists (other than coaching four youth sports, which is insane).
I think things are more even when the wife out earns the husband.

[Anonymous]

spend money on help before resentment builds, and short lived through the school years. SOOOOO much cheaper than a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spouse B- why can’t you handle weekday dinners since Spouse A has to work in the office, commute, pick up kids and then also drive them to practice / activities?

Yeah having to do the commute + evening activities + dinner is a lot piled up all at once.

+1

Why not have spouse A do dinner when spouse B does kids activities and spouse B do dinner when spouse A does. That is what my DH and I do. Then we split up any days with no kids activities. I tend to take 1-2 more days each week though because I care more about homemade healthy food than DH.

[Anonymous]

Does Spouse A have to work? 25% of household income- Is that 50k and HHI is 200k? Or is it 100k and HHI is 400k?

It just sounds like Spouse A doesn't have a very good job and should focus on getting more money or more flexibility. Zero flexibility and little money is a bad combo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does Spouse A have to work? 25% of household income- Is that 50k and HHI is 200k? Or is it 100k and HHI is 400k?

It just sounds like Spouse A doesn't have a very good job and should focus on getting more money or more flexibility. Zero flexibility and little money is a bad combo.

+1 And it's insane that both spouses coach youth sports. One parent at a time, ONE sport.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does Spouse A have to work? 25% of household income- Is that 50k and HHI is 200k? Or is it 100k and HHI is 400k?

It just sounds like Spouse A doesn't have a very good job and should focus on getting more money or more flexibility. Zero flexibility and little money is a bad combo.

+1 And it's insane that both spouses coach youth sports. One parent at a time, ONE sport.

This seems the craziest to me too!