Evaluate this married couple's division of labor

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Spouse B OP here. I appreciate many of the comments here. I'll take some suggestions to heart. I'll also accept that the division of labor is fairly equal.

To address a couple of things though: one, I'm not the only one complaining. Spouse A thinks they're contributions are significantly outsized.

Also, ironically, Spouse A didn't do all of the laundry last time so one kid doesn't have clean underwear today. Is it the end of the world? No. But it's frustrating if that's one of their big responsibilities and it didn't get done.

Anyway, even with that, I'm in a better place on this

I have had housekeepers in charge of laundry for many years, and stuff like this still happens. The most annoying is when they wash the sheets and don’t put them back on the beds and I don’t realize it until I go to put the kids to bed.

I can’t get too annoyed with my housekeeper because that would make me a huge jerk. But I can definitely imagine getting annoyed with my husband.
Typing this out, though, it should probably be the opposite, shouldn’t it? We should probably try to treat our spouses at least as well as we would treat an employee or a stranger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spouse B OP here. I appreciate many of the comments here. I'll take some suggestions to heart. I'll also accept that the division of labor is fairly equal.

To address a couple of things though: one, I'm not the only one complaining. Spouse A thinks they're contributions are significantly outsized.

Also, ironically, Spouse A didn't do all of the laundry last time so one kid doesn't have clean underwear today. Is it the end of the world? No. But it's frustrating if that's one of their big responsibilities and it didn't get done.

Anyway, even with that, I'm in a better place on this

I have had housekeepers in charge of laundry for many years, and stuff like this still happens. The most annoying is when they wash the sheets and don’t put them back on the beds and I don’t realize it until I go to put the kids to bed.

I can’t get too annoyed with my housekeeper because that would make me a huge jerk. But I can definitely imagine getting annoyed with my husband.
Typing this out, though, it should probably be the opposite, shouldn’t it? We should probably try to treat our spouses at least as well as we would treat an employee or a stranger.

It was genuinely nice to see this realization at the end.

[Anonymous]

tl;dr Men never do enough and women always do more than their share.

[Anonymous]

I read something once that said in the baby/toddler years, if each spouse is doing 50-50, they will likely each feel like they are doing 90%. Now you are well past that, but I am even further past it and I think it rings true for all of the active parenting years. Mine are 13 and 15 and I still feel that way sometimes and then I think about it and force myself to think through a lot of the things DH does. We really are probably pretty close to 50-50 but it is just a lot to work and parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does Spouse A have to work? 25% of household income- Is that 50k and HHI is 200k? Or is it 100k and HHI is 400k?

It just sounds like Spouse A doesn't have a very good job and should focus on getting more money or more flexibility. Zero flexibility and little money is a bad combo.

+1 And it's insane that both spouses coach youth sports. One parent at a time, ONE sport.

This seems the craziest to me too!

Also, at some point, I think kids do much better, develop much more if someone other than mom or dad is coaching. I mean, if one of you played one of these sports at the D1 level, fine, keep coaching. Otherwise, let them spread their wings. (And I'm pretty sure you did not both play two d1 sports.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:tl;dr Men never do enough and women always do more than their share.

The OP didn’t specify gender, but I don’t think anyone is assuming that spouse B is a man, even though they are the higher earner. They could both be women. I don’t know.

[Anonymous]

I work 3 12 hr shifts and on paper, I probably do more of the household stuff. But I'll happily do it. I get an extra 2 days off each week. I can spend half my day laying around and then half doing stuff around the house, and that means our weekends are more free to do fun stuff.

Because of my schedule, DH does a lot of later after school activities and is the primary parent for school, camp, etc. He will make all DS' appts but I will go since it doesn't impact work. DH also handles all the behind the scene stuff related to the house.

I think one thing that helps is not to be too rigid in who does what. Sometimes I have a busy week so DH will pick up stuff I normally do. And vice versa. We do weekly planning on Sundays. Who is cooking dinner. Who is going to the store when. Who is doing what activity with DS. What does the other one need help with this week. It's worked well for 15 years. No fights or resentment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Spouse B OP here. I appreciate many of the comments here. I'll take some suggestions to heart. I'll also accept that the division of labor is fairly equal.

To address a couple of things though: one, I'm not the only one complaining. Spouse A thinks they're contributions are significantly outsized.

Also, ironically, Spouse A didn't do all of the laundry last time so one kid doesn't have clean underwear today. Is it the end of the world? No. But it's frustrating if that's one of their big responsibilities and it didn't get done.

Anyway, even with that, I'm in a better place on this

Ooohh, these are always good ones, OP. Getting to knock off one of your spouse’s points is almost as good as earning your own.

“Sure you claim to do the laundry, but remember that Thursday towards the end of school three years ago when Larlo didn’t have underwear?”

Hang on to that for just the right moment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:tl;dr Men never do enough and women always do more than their share.

The OP didn’t specify gender, but I don’t think anyone is assuming that spouse B is a man, even though they are the higher earner. They could both be women. I don’t know.

Or they could both be nonbinary furries. /s

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Spouse B is making 75% of the household income but insists on doing the cleaning themselves and using it as a point against Spouse A that they are doing more work. Same with the scratch cooking. That is completely Spouse B’s preference.

It’s also hilarious that “putting away groceries” and “packs the lunch that the other spouse prepared” are making it onto this little tit-for-tat list

Yup. They’re doomed. Spouse B is probably a lawyer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does Spouse A have to work? 25% of household income- Is that 50k and HHI is 200k? Or is it 100k and HHI is 400k?

It just sounds like Spouse A doesn't have a very good job and should focus on getting more money or more flexibility. Zero flexibility and little money is a bad combo.

+1 And it's insane that both spouses coach youth sports. One parent at a time, ONE sport.

This seems the craziest to me too!

A 5th grader not folding their own laundry and packing their own lunches is absolutely insane to me. What are we even doing here?

[Anonymous]

Looks really equal to me!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:tl;dr Men never do enough and women always do more than their share.

The OP didn’t specify gender, but I don’t think anyone is assuming that spouse B is a man, even though they are the higher earner. They could both be women. I don’t know.

Or they could both be nonbinary furries. /s

Whatever. Nonbinary furries never do their share of the housework. We all know that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Spouse B OP here. I appreciate many of the comments here. I'll take some suggestions to heart. I'll also accept that the division of labor is fairly equal.

To address a couple of things though: one, I'm not the only one complaining. Spouse A thinks they're contributions are significantly outsized.

Also, ironically, Spouse A didn't do all of the laundry last time so one kid doesn't have clean underwear today. Is it the end of the world? No. But it's frustrating if that's one of their big responsibilities and it didn't get done.

Anyway, even with that, I'm in a better place on this

Oh please, that's so minor. You've screwed up too. We all have. Look for the good. Thank your spouse. Be grateful for your family and being in a position that most people on this board have nothing close to >> all the ad nauseam posts about ADD DH.

[Anonymous]

Do you need to each be coaching two kids activities?

I think you both seem to be doing a lot.