Evaluate this married couple's division of labor

[Anonymous]

People have different energy levels. But, at the end, a couple is a partnership and a unit. It does not matter exactly how the division of labor happens - the work that benefits the unit has to happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems kind of unfair to put down spouse A for making pre-prepared dinners when they WOH AND are responsible for getting kids to all their activities on weekdays.

Agree. This makes no sense at all. The WAH should do dinners, can just be crock pot or something simple. If I hustle to leave the office at 5, pick up kids from school and then get home. THEN I have to make dinner and then drive the kids to practice? This makes no sense. What is the WAH spouse doing at this time?

I guarantee that this is exactly what spouse A wants, for spouse B to pick up either meal prep or taking kids to activities since these are the hardest things for someone working full time in person to do, and spouse B resents it because, while they might not say it out loud, they believe their higher income should exempt them from these particular glamour-free parenting tasks. Even though logistically it makes way more sense for them to do them.

Just wait until spouse A finds out spouse B is using the time that spouse A is spending on driving the kids around and picking up dinner to work out, relax, or pursue a hobby. Because spouse B feels they are entitled to this leisure time, due to their income, whereas spouse A has to "pay the family back" for making less by doing more of the grunt work.

I think this is it. Spouse a is exhausted commuting every day and then driving the kids and then making dinner. We do leftovers or takeout on practice nights. How on earth is she also supposed to make dinner?

[Anonymous]

Your problem is you decided to identify and divide what you call labor. It’s not a manufacturing plant. Just get stuff done and stop thinking it’s someone else’s job.

[Anonymous]

While I personally think that Spouse B does a little more - - I think the set up is actually pretty fair.

I think it is rarely an exact 50/50 division in any marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sounds pretty even to me. My one beef would be that Spouse A should do everyone's laundry. If they are really leaving Spouse B's laundry for them to do, that's a reasonable beef. Laundry person should Laundry.

The other X factor I would say is how much between-cleans cleaning is done. For us, we have a monthly cleaner and in between we do very little, basically just nightly kitchen duties (spot sweep, wipe counters, load and run dishwasher, etc). If you also have a monthly cleaning person and you're essentially cleaning the whole house 1-3 other times a month, that is a ton of work. But my answer would be... don't do that. You can live with a toilet that's cleaned monthly, really. We do. If you both agree the house needs significant additional cleaning, then I would say Spouse B has a bit too much. If they're just doing the occasional spot-clean at the half way mark (<1 hr total) then, yeah, I think this is pretty even.

And you didn't mention nightly kitchen duties - I'm assuming that you're somehow splitting dishes/kitchen cleanup/dishwasher unloading. If Spouse B is doing this, then yeah, this is unfair and Spouse B is doing too much.

Otherwise, I see two people who work full time, each taking about half the kid shlepping and about half the food/meal work. One is taking on more of the logistical labor (spouse A) while one is doing more at home labor (spouse B). One does all the laundry, one handles the home maintenance/repairs. I could see an argument for handing Spouse B the vacation planning (since they're in charge of the calendar anyway). But that's pretty small.

Am not trying to stir the pot here (no pun intended!) but only scouring your toilet 🚽 1x/month is kinda gross.

I live alone & even I scrub my toilet weekly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds reasonably fair, don’t destroy this part of your lives nit picking chores. Remember you two are on the same team.

this

my mother told me when i was griping about the division of labor, its never going to be fair, bc its not. you just have to get to your version of 50/50. spouse and i had many heart to hearts getting our 50/50 right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems kind of unfair to put down spouse A for making pre-prepared dinners when they WOH AND are responsible for getting kids to all their activities on weekdays.

Agree. This makes no sense at all. The WAH should do dinners, can just be crock pot or something simple. If I hustle to leave the office at 5, pick up kids from school and then get home. THEN I have to make dinner and then drive the kids to practice? This makes no sense. What is the WAH spouse doing at this time?

I guarantee that this is exactly what spouse A wants, for spouse B to pick up either meal prep or taking kids to activities since these are the hardest things for someone working full time in person to do, and spouse B resents it because, while they might not say it out loud, they believe their higher income should exempt them from these particular glamour-free parenting tasks. Even though logistically it makes way more sense for them to do them.

Just wait until spouse A finds out spouse B is using the time that spouse A is spending on driving the kids around and picking up dinner to work out, relax, or pursue a hobby. Because spouse B feels they are entitled to this leisure time, due to their income, whereas spouse A has to "pay the family back" for making less by doing more of the grunt work.

Pp here. 1000% this is what is happening. You are irritated by the things that are daily reoccurring and time consuming. If a WOH spouse is running around like this 5 days/ week, that is exhausting, especially when they have a WAH spouse!! It does not matter that the WAH spouse calls the handyman once a month or changes up the investment portfolio every few weeks.

I would seriously question a WAH spouse that allowed their WOH spouse to run ragged during the week like this and not lift a finger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you read Fair Play/used the cards? You might find it useful.

Disagree. The Fair Play cards would make the tit for tat from OP, whose division of labor already seems pretty darn fair, even worse.

[Anonymous]

The kids need to be pitching in way more here. Packing lunches, laundry, and light cleaning could all be at least partially delegated to the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Spouse B is making 75% of the household income but insists on doing the cleaning themselves and using it as a point against Spouse A that they are doing more work. Same with the scratch cooking. That is completely Spouse B’s preference.

It’s also hilarious that “putting away groceries” and “packs the lunch that the other spouse prepared” are making it onto this little tit-for-tat list

Absolutely. Spouse B: you are an oblivious, smug bean counter. Your marriage is more balanced than most. Try to enjoy your good fortune or work to figure out the actual source of your discontent.

[Anonymous]

“Shops for kids clothes” includes numerous time-consuming tasks

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Shops for kids clothes” includes numerous time-consuming tasks

Agree. I think spouse A does more. I recently delegated figuring out what clothes one of our kids grew out of to my spouse and the result was pitiful. I had to explain how to do it.

One of my kids is older than OP's, but scheduling and keeping track of all the things the kids need is a TON of work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Explain to me how the split of income is relevant here, Spouse OP. I mean B.

High paying jobs usually come with more stress and longer hours. If spouse B is working 60 hours a week and contributing 75% of the household income, they should handle less of the housework.

If spouse A wants housework to be split equally, then spouse B should have the option to look for a job that is less stressful and likely pays less to have balance. The family will lower their lifestyle accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Shops for kids clothes” includes numerous time-consuming tasks

Agree. I think spouse A does more. I recently delegated figuring out what clothes one of our kids grew out of to my spouse and the result was pitiful. I had to explain how to do it.

One of my kids is older than OP's, but scheduling and keeping track of all the things the kids need is a TON of work.

That’s a good point. If shopping for the kids clothes and doing the kids laundry also means making sure that the kids have all of the things they need clean and ready for all of their various activities, then it is kind of a lot.

[Anonymous]

Spouse B OP here. I appreciate many of the comments here. I'll take some suggestions to heart. I'll also accept that the division of labor is fairly equal.

To address a couple of things though: one, I'm not the only one complaining. Spouse A thinks they're contributions are significantly outsized.

Also, ironically, Spouse A didn't do all of the laundry last time so one kid doesn't have clean underwear today. Is it the end of the world? No. But it's frustrating if that's one of their big responsibilities and it didn't get done.

Anyway, even with that, I'm in a better place on this