Evaluate this married couple's division of labor

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Make other people coach your kids activities! This is a lot!

+1

This seems like a lot of a coaching for 2 parents who are working full time.

My DH coached youth sports for a few seasons and it added a LOT of extra work to my own plate. He was happy to do it (and I was happy to support this for limited timeframes). We were happy to do our share, but it isn’t something most families are able to do every season or for every activity. Other parents need to step up too.

I cannot even imagine each of us coaching multiple activities. We really don’t have the bandwidth for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

FWIW, if both have jobs, I don't consider what the percent of HHI is to be relevant. I'm sure reasonable minds could differ about that, but it's how I see it.

Pressure to keep income coming is higher on person whose job pays most bills.

[Anonymous]

As a wife who is by far the primary earner and yet still fully participates in home life and all mental load, overall I think this all seems ok. Honestly, if there is something overwhelming you, I think it is reasonable to determine how to resolve that issue.

In my case, it was handling night wakings with a special needs child that didn’t sleep through the night until she was 14 that almost broke me. I was very, very unhappy for about 18 months over this. My husband thought I was vastly underestimating what he did during the day. I thought I might have a breakdown if I didn’t get more rest. We were both right. I told him I was renting a studio to sleep in every other night after many months of frustration. We went to 50/50 once I showed I was serious about this. With more sleep, I was able to see and be more appreciative of all he does. Then, we added middle school homework with an ADHD kid (not the one that didn’t sleep through the night). That is all on me because they cannot do homework together. I feel like this is a new part time job for me. He has stepped up the physical care for the kid with profound disabilities as I age poorly. Menopause has made me more empathetic about his weaknesses in executive functioning as I bear the mental load. I joke that “everything is going down now that we all have limited exec functioning.” Overall, I don’t think either of us is trying to take advantage of the other. We both want what is what is best for our family. It is ok to revisit stuff over time.

Your resolution may not be that your spouse can pick up whatever is frustrating you the most. It might be that a kid needs to drop an activity. Or you have a standing handyman visit once a month and virtually all that stuff waits for them (unless a true emergency). Get creative and try to approach the issue with the assumption that you both want what is best for everyone. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

In many cases, one income pays all the bills while other income only pays for that earner's shopping bills or student debt, expecting higher earner to not feel more pressure isn't realistic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Division of labor has recently become an issue in our marriage. Before losing my mind, I want unbiased opinions on whether either spouse has a legitimate gripe. I've tried to be fair in putting together a list of each spouse's responsibilities to see if either of us are overreacting. Neither of us seems to feel like our contributions are appreciated.

Are we both stuck in our own silo. Is this a fair division of labor or does either Spouse A or B have the right to complain? Are there any areas I may be missing? Any recommendations to minimize the headbutting. For context we have two elementary aged kids (3rd and 5th grade).

SPOUSE A
* Works in office 5 days a week; contributes one-fourth of household income
* Responsible for managing family calendar to include scheduling kids activities, camps, etc.
* Does the holiday gift shopping
* Prepares the weekly grocery list for grocery store pickup
* Washing and folding of kids laundry
* Schedules house cleaners (they aren't on regular schedule)
* Shops for kids clothes
* Prepares school lunches
* Picks up kids from school
* Shuttles kids to evening activities with occasional help from spouse
* Responsible for daily dinners every other week (mostly cooks packaged meals like frozen dinners)
* Coaches/leads two kids sports/activities

SPOUSE B
* Works in office 2-3 days per week with great flexibility; contributes 3/4 of HHI
* Responsible for family finances including budgeting, retirement planning, bill pay
* Plans family vacations/trips
* Responsible for house and yard maintenance and upkeep including planning and coordination of contractors for large projects and hands-on work for routine maintenance and repairs
* Picks up and puts up groceries
* Cleans house in between cleaners visits to include vacuuming/mopping, bathrooms, dusting
* Packs school lunches and feeds kids breakfast
* Drops off kids at school and is the primary at-home parent (watches kids on no-school days, picks up kids when sick or early dismissals)
* Primary shuttle for kids weekend activities with occasional help from spouse
* Responsible for daily dinners every other week (mostly cooks from scratch meals)
* Coaches/leads two kids sports/activities

If it seems unfair to either of you, sit and discuss it with a couple's coach. May be it is unfair or may be you two need to learn to handle it all in a more efficient manner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In many cases, one income pays all the bills while other income only pays for that earner's shopping bills or student debt, expecting higher earner to not feel more pressure isn't realistic.

But balancing pressure is pretty far down on the list of priorities when it comes to dividing labor. Who has time, who has the ability, how much is the actual work (either physical or mental) all matters a lot more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In many cases, one income pays all the bills while other income only pays for that earner's shopping bills or student debt, expecting higher earner to not feel more pressure isn't realistic.

As a wife who make virtually all the money, I don’t think this stress means I get to do less at home. That is nonsense. My “big job” means that I cannot do stuff when I travel, it doesn’t mean I got to not do home stuff in the evening because I’m “just so very stressed.”

[Anonymous]

I'd say you both need to grow up. Bean counting must stop. This me vs them mentality will kill your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Income level is irrelevant. You need to stop approaching your marriage like you are keeping score.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Division of labor has recently become an issue in our marriage. Before losing my mind, I want unbiased opinions on whether either spouse has a legitimate gripe. I've tried to be fair in putting together a list of each spouse's responsibilities to see if either of us are overreacting. Neither of us seems to feel like our contributions are appreciated.

Are we both stuck in our own silo. Is this a fair division of labor or does either Spouse A or B have the right to complain? Are there any areas I may be missing? Any recommendations to minimize the headbutting. For context we have two elementary aged kids (3rd and 5th grade).

SPOUSE A
* Works in office 5 days a week; contributes one-fourth of household income
* Responsible for managing family calendar to include scheduling kids activities, camps, etc.
* Does the holiday gift shopping
* Prepares the weekly grocery list for grocery store pickup
* Washing and folding of kids laundry
* Schedules house cleaners (they aren't on regular schedule)
* Shops for kids clothes
* Prepares school lunches
* Picks up kids from school
* Shuttles kids to evening activities with occasional help from spouse
* Responsible for daily dinners every other week (mostly cooks packaged meals like frozen dinners)
* Coaches/leads two kids sports/activities

SPOUSE B
* Works in office 2-3 days per week with great flexibility; contributes 3/4 of HHI
* Responsible for family finances including budgeting, retirement planning, bill pay
* Plans family vacations/trips
* Responsible for house and yard maintenance and upkeep including planning and coordination of contractors for large projects and hands-on work for routine maintenance and repairs
* Picks up and puts up groceries
* Cleans house in between cleaners visits to include vacuuming/mopping, bathrooms, dusting
* Packs school lunches and feeds kids breakfast
* Drops off kids at school and is the primary at-home parent (watches kids on no-school days, picks up kids when sick or early dismissals)
* Primary shuttle for kids weekend activities with occasional help from spouse
* Responsible for daily dinners every other week (mostly cooks from scratch meals)
* Coaches/leads two kids sports/activities

Just putting it out there that income should not matter if you are both working FT. Its division of labor.

This seems like a common take. But suppose spouse B busted their bum and planned carefully to be in a situation where they could work part time and 3x Spouse B’s comp. And suppose Spouse A pretty much did only what they were supposed to do in their job and engaged in zero conscious career planning, thus explaining their current earning differential. Would that change your view? Or is that all water under the bridge at this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Division of labor has recently become an issue in our marriage. Before losing my mind, I want unbiased opinions on whether either spouse has a legitimate gripe. I've tried to be fair in putting together a list of each spouse's responsibilities to see if either of us are overreacting. Neither of us seems to feel like our contributions are appreciated.

Are we both stuck in our own silo. Is this a fair division of labor or does either Spouse A or B have the right to complain? Are there any areas I may be missing? Any recommendations to minimize the headbutting. For context we have two elementary aged kids (3rd and 5th grade).

SPOUSE A
* Works in office 5 days a week; contributes one-fourth of household income
* Responsible for managing family calendar to include scheduling kids activities, camps, etc.
* Does the holiday gift shopping
* Prepares the weekly grocery list for grocery store pickup
* Washing and folding of kids laundry
* Schedules house cleaners (they aren't on regular schedule)
* Shops for kids clothes
* Prepares school lunches
* Picks up kids from school
* Shuttles kids to evening activities with occasional help from spouse
* Responsible for daily dinners every other week (mostly cooks packaged meals like frozen dinners)
* Coaches/leads two kids sports/activities

SPOUSE B
* Works in office 2-3 days per week with great flexibility; contributes 3/4 of HHI
* Responsible for family finances including budgeting, retirement planning, bill pay
* Plans family vacations/trips
* Responsible for house and yard maintenance and upkeep including planning and coordination of contractors for large projects and hands-on work for routine maintenance and repairs
* Picks up and puts up groceries
* Cleans house in between cleaners visits to include vacuuming/mopping, bathrooms, dusting
* Packs school lunches and feeds kids breakfast
* Drops off kids at school and is the primary at-home parent (watches kids on no-school days, picks up kids when sick or early dismissals)
* Primary shuttle for kids weekend activities with occasional help from spouse
* Responsible for daily dinners every other week (mostly cooks from scratch meals)
* Coaches/leads two kids sports/activities

Just putting it out there that income should not matter if you are both working FT. Its division of labor.

This seems like a common take. But suppose spouse B busted their bum and planned carefully to be in a situation where they could work part time and 3x Spouse B’s comp. And suppose Spouse A pretty much did only what they were supposed to do in their job and engaged in zero conscious career planning, thus explaining their current earning differential. Would that change your view? Or is that all water under the bridge at this point.

If you're going to start assigning extra work to your spouse because of how much career planning they did, you've pretty much given up the chance to have a happy marriage.

[Anonymous]

New take:
Why can't the kids pack their own lunches, make their own breakfast cereal, walk to school and at least fold there own clothes? At that age I was bathing/dressing myself, making my own lunch, walking to school and washing my own clothes.

....Spouse B is doing more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:are they kids eating two school lunches? You have it under both. but how is this even a question spouse B is doing much more work. spouse A needs to do more around the house and with the kids.

I think packing and preparing are two different tasks. Preparing is more labor intensive

I am having trouble thinking f these as two separate tasks in most households. Can you give an example of how it works?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:are they kids eating two school lunches? You have it under both. but how is this even a question spouse B is doing much more work. spouse A needs to do more around the house and with the kids.

I think packing and preparing are two different tasks. Preparing is more labor intensive

I am having trouble thinking f these as two separate tasks in most households. Can you give an example of how it works?

We don’t do this, but it could be something like: makes 2 sandwiches, boils a pot of pasta, bags the chips and slices an apples into 2 bags and leaves it all in the fridge. Then parent #2 actually takes the baggies and sandwiches (or apportions the pasta?) and puts it into lunchboxes.

If that’s it, then what parent #2 does can easily be done by the kids.

[Anonymous]

Who takes the kids to doctors and dental appointments?