Reply to How to Deal with an Angry Sibling re: Elderly Parents

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Op here

Ok so I'm hearing that me asking when would be a good time to come is too much of a burden. I should just show up whenever then? And for how long should I stay? I need to be able to make arrangements with my company and family, which I don't think is unreasonable.

It's too much trouble for him to discuss this with me. And when I say I have to go home bc I have a work trip or my husband has a work trip so someone needs to be there with the kids, then what?

I don't have the money for an indefinite hotel stay there or a flight. I have to drive. My family can only afford one drivable vacation a year, so we're not "living it up" down here while they are suffering. They vacation 3-4 times per year, that's their business and they are entitled to do so.

My parents will not be back to their apartment any time soon. They have just gotten or are going to a rehab facility. When they do go home they will again have a live-in aide as they did before. They have a cleaning service for their apartment. Their meals are provided by the facility they live in. I don't have access to their banking or accounts to pay bills only my brother does.

I'm not trying to make excuses I'm honestly trying to process this and understand what needs to be done so I can make a plan.

Yes I know PPs think I'm horrible. I've dealt with a lot of crazy, disfunctional shit from my family which is left there 30 years ago. It's incredibly anxiety provoking to have to go there and the idea of going there alone for an extended period of time is actually scary to me. I know you won't understand that.

I don't have a much relationship with my abusive mom. I haven't had a relationship with my brother bc he's always been an unhappy, angry person (way before this) and he's always trying to start political fights I won't engage in. I've spent years trying to put some healthier boundaries up so I can maintain some level.of relationship with my family. I've had years of therapy to navigate my very disfunctional relationship with them.

So I'm trying to process how I manage this. Over what period of time. [/quote]

Well yes, it only works if he's able to have a calm conversation with you. But here's what you do. Pick a time a few months from now. Tell your brother that you can come at that time. Make your own arrangements how to travel and where to stay-- do not expect his help with this. Decide on your own how long to stay. Spend the time visiting your parents, and ask your brother what most needs to be done that weekend. Then do whatever he says. If he doesn't have any ideas, suggest something that you've observed. If he does not want to see you during that time, fine. Spend the time with your parents and surely you can find some errands to run or something.

It sounds like you're dealing with a lot of dysfunction and that's the underlying problem here. But where you said "when I say I have to go home bc I have a work trip or my husband has a work trip so someone needs to be there with the kids, then what?"-- well, what happens when your brother has a work trip or needs to be with his kids or wife? Then what? If you're able to say that to him and walk away, then he can also say it to you and walk away, right? You seem to think having moved away means you get to drop in and out at will, and [b]he's stuck with being the main caregiver and first responder all the time that you don't want to be in town. Is that fair?[/b][/quote]

This statement isn't fair. OP doesn't live there. The parents have plenty of help at this point. The brother is on the ground and has to deal with a lot, no question, but what do you really expect OP to do when she doesn't live there. Mom gets a UTI and OP has to get on a plane and pick her up and take her to the doctor? A UTI has to be treated asap, otherwise the UTI starts presenting at dementia in most elderly. (Resolved with antibiotics.) After rehab, the parents will have the aides and help they had before.

This definitely feels like a case where the brother is not pleasant to begin with and is taking out his frustration with the situation on OP. And I say this as an on-the-ground caregiver. [/quote]

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