What to Do with an Unsafe Dad?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t even get through this whole list because I am aghast and I’m a mandated reporter. How could you have let this go on this long? Why did you have 3 kids with this person?? At this point you are an enabler and complicit. I’m not a troll- I’m being straight with you here. At a certain point, you become just as guilty as he is by continuing to leave your children with him. First, document all of this as you have here. Second, get him a full psych evaluation and parenting classes. In all seriousness, if I knew who you were irl, I would have to report all of this. You need very serious intervention at this point- and I would try this before divorce because I worry there would be 50/50 custody.

If she divorces he will get 50/50 custody and then have the kids alone 50% of the time.

OP, I agree with the others that you need to parent like a single mom. Your husband is not trustworthy to be alone with your children, at all, ever. I almost never recommend being a stay at home mom but you say he cares about his career, so would this be feasible?

You are not crazy. The things you're describing are insane, from the more dangerous, the gross. Letting kids sleep in pee sheets, what the actual f***??

[Anonymous]

Read the gene Weingarten article about babies left in cars. It's terrifying. Do not let your husband drive your baby alone in summer anywhere.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't SAH, but I'd parent like I was a single parent which would mean having childcare for every minute I wasn't with the kids. If you have the resources, that means either a nanny or daycare center, plus an au pair for the hours that come up outside of nanny's hours.

I'd also push for marriage counseling as a safe place to talk through these issues.

I'd encourage him to look into ADHD meds.

[Anonymous]

I would stay at home and make meals before he gets home. We have a suvie and the meals are ready at the time I ask it to be ready. When you are with the baby, have the other kids nearby. Don't let him do anything with the kids that they wouldn't be safe enough doing on their own without another parent there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Read the gene Weingarten article about babies left in cars. It's terrifying. Do not let your husband drive your baby alone in summer anywhere.

Second this. Now that Spring and warm weather is coming, do NOT let him drive them anywhere without checking in. And please, do not have another baby with him.

[Anonymous]

He either has a brain disorder, is a gaslighting sociopath, or is on drugs. Spacing out and wandering off is not normal. Ever. He needs a medical evaluation.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the PP that mentioned considering yourself a single parent who is lucky to have a roommate that pays a big chunk of the mortgage.

Encourage your husband to lean in at work, and be understanding about long office hours and time time spent in his room to decompress. Maybe set him up a basement or a man cave where he can spend time alone. Let him go on guys' trips and take up fishing.

If you don't want to take a break from work, then consider getting a nanny or an au pair to help out, or at least a cleaning lady and meal/grocery delivery so you can take care of the kids instead of doing other chores. Can you add an in-law suite and move in one of your parents?

Maybe you can do more cameras and baby monitors too.

I'd still meet with a lawyer just to discuss how to proceed and document these incidents, and also do the usual things like checking and screenshotting your accounts, even though doesn't sound like you're ready to divorce quite yet.

You just need to hang in for a few years until the kids are old enough to understand danger. You'll have to get them a smartwatch or phone early so they can contact you if they get left alone.

[Anonymous]

PP. I think parenting has become more careful over the decades. We are more aware of safety hazards than our grandparents. It's possible the husband's family was more cavalier in their parenting so he doesn't know.

OP does not need to divorce. And does not need to do all the work herself. She needs to swap chores so she is doing the safety-oriented things.

OP, btw, Americans supposedly are among the most frequent baby bathers in the world. It's an artifact of our modern conveniences and baby product marketing. So maybe your kids don't need baths every day. Research it if you don't believe me. I read up on it because my babies hated bathtime and would get sad about being in the baby bathtub. I felt bad making them cry when I could just wipe them off during diaper changes and they never got stinky in between less-frequent baths. So don't make extra work for yourself.

Local hospitals may have first aid classes for parents. That would be a good start.

Another piece of advice. Watch your children around choking hazards. Avoid serving large ice cubes, large apple slices, hotdogs, and grapes until your kids are old enough to chew neatly and thoroughly.

[Anonymous]

"Tonight, he left our tantruming toddler alone in a full bath to make dinner downstairs."

I know someone whose toddler died this way. The older two kids were fighting so she went to break it up and when she came back to the bathroom the toddler had drowned. It was horrible.

Divorce is not a good option until they are older because he would probably get fifty fifty if he wanted it. And most men do bc they dont want to pay child support.

Have him do the less dangerous tasks and you supervise bathing etc. Not fair to you at all, but you need to keep your kids alive.

[Anonymous]

What is your husband's educational background?

If stem focused I'd have the data on risk of death or bodily harm by age and sorted highest incidence to lowest incidence.

See if you can get through to him that way. Kids do die from negligence.

Make Top 3 non negotiable list

Water safety
Choking hazards including button batteries
Motor vehicle safety in and around cars


Also please promise me you do not have guns in the house. He's the type to leave it out or not locked. He doesn't follow through.

[Anonymous]

Has he been evaluated for ADHD, etc.? What does he say and/or why do you think these sorts of things happen?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - to clarify he has a demanding job and has been able to perform well and receive good feedback. He has been in school for most of our relationship. But now has a good job since the past 3 years. I have already stepped down in position and intensity from my career which I really don’t want to let go(but I see the point of being a SAHM in this case). He has always been “easygoing” but I just never imagined that he would be so nonchalant with our children.

The only things I have ever seen him accomplish with care and urgency are his schoolwork and his job. he justifies his behavior on safety by believing that I am making a big deal out of nothing, that accidents happen and things will get better.

The things I mentioned are the life threatening things. In general though he refuses to accept the importance of safety hygiene and his role as a parent in these key areas for the kids. For example, he thinks it’s okay to let our son continue sleeping in his bed after he wets it. He also doesn’t wash the kids properly and puts up more of a fight about bath time than the kids do. I know he loves his kids and his family. He is with them playing reading books building things etc all the time. We are a really close family otherwise and spend most of our time together.

Any specific advice on parenting classes, safety classes or anything else I would appreciate it. For example tonight the bath thing he just thinks I’m making a big deal out of nothing. I feel like a crazy person here.

Maybe parenting books would be helpful? When my kids (now grown) were young, I found the What to Expect series to be very helpful and they had sections on safety, emergencies, etc. I think they’ve been revised since then, and I haven’t seen the new versions, but if they don’t have what you need, other parenting books might.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07VWR6FML?binding=kindle_edition&qid=1772336483&sr=1-2&ref=dbs_dp_awt_sb_pc_tkin

Is there someone who he might respect enough to listen to (that you also trust) - pediatrician, his mom, preschool teacher, professional nanny you could hire temporarily, lawyer, etc.?

Not washing the kids properly or even skipping baths entirely might be frustrating for you, but that’s something that can be negotiated or addressed unilaterally. Safety, however, is non-negotiable. While you need some comprehensive solutions, here are a few resources that maybe you can use to show him that your concerns are legitimately big deals.

https://www.redcross.org/get-help/how-to-prepare-for-emergencies/types-of-emergencies/water-safety/drowning-prevention-and-facts.html?srsltid=AfmBOoq-E5LlZTSRxaCbVKzLd6tdbArOfNrtID5Fao64UaE8O4hKmS9o

https://www.healthychildren.org/English/safety-prevention/at-home/Pages/Bathroom-Safety.aspx

https://www.healthychildren.org/English/safety-prevention/at-home/Pages/how-to-buy-safe-toys.aspx

[Anonymous]

Full time nanny

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t even get through this whole list because I am aghast and I’m a mandated reporter. How could you have let this go on this long? Why did you have 3 kids with this person?? At this point you are an enabler and complicit. I’m not a troll- I’m being straight with you here. At a certain point, you become just as guilty as he is by continuing to leave your children with him. First, document all of this as you have here. Second, get him a full psych evaluation and parenting classes. In all seriousness, if I knew who you were irl, I would have to report all of this. You need very serious intervention at this point- and I would try this before divorce because I worry there would be 50/50 custody.

Could you recommend parenting classes?We are not having anymore kids. For a long time I doubted my self because I can generally be too much the other way.(according to him…but I was convinced and I am definitely a mom that is type A in a lot of ways I guess you can say. ) but with the baby now I am seriously concerned.

I say this with love - but he’s gaslighting you. That’s why you doubted yourself and went against your instincts. I would check out PEP classes for anything parenting related. I’m sorry if I was harsh earlier, I just really want you to know how serious this is and you are NOT overreacting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t even get through this whole list because I am aghast and I’m a mandated reporter. How could you have let this go on this long? Why did you have 3 kids with this person?? At this point you are an enabler and complicit. I’m not a troll- I’m being straight with you here. At a certain point, you become just as guilty as he is by continuing to leave your children with him. First, document all of this as you have here. Second, get him a full psych evaluation and parenting classes. In all seriousness, if I knew who you were irl, I would have to report all of this. You need very serious intervention at this point- and I would try this before divorce because I worry there would be 50/50 custody.

If she divorces he will get 50/50 custody and then have the kids alone 50% of the time.

OP, I agree with the others that you need to parent like a single mom. Your husband is not trustworthy to be alone with your children, at all, ever. I almost never recommend being a stay at home mom but you say he cares about his career, so would this be feasible?

You are not crazy. The things you're describing are insane, from the more dangerous, the gross. Letting kids sleep in pee sheets, what the actual f***??

The 50/50 custody potential is very concerning and should not happen. I know a woman who only has her kids every other weekend and her ex has them the rest of the time. She claims the ex is the evil one, but I am thinking she must have done something really bad, because it is my understanding that the vast majority of cases go 50/50. I wasn’t sure if anything this husband is doing could get his children taken away from him in court, which is the only reason i would ever suggest divorce. It seems unlikely he would lose access, even with this level of negligence.