What to Do with an Unsafe Dad?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - to clarify he has a demanding job and has been able to perform well and receive good feedback. He has been in school for most of our relationship. But now has a good job since the past 3 years. I have already stepped down in position and intensity from my career which I really don’t want to let go(but I see the point of being a SAHM in this case). He has always been “easygoing” but I just never imagined that he would be so nonchalant with our children.

The only things I have ever seen him accomplish with care and urgency are his schoolwork and his job. he justifies his behavior on safety by believing that I am making a big deal out of nothing, that accidents happen and things will get better.

The things I mentioned are the life threatening things. In general though he refuses to accept the importance of safety hygiene and his role as a parent in these key areas for the kids. For example, he thinks it’s okay to let our son continue sleeping in his bed after he wets it. He also doesn’t wash the kids properly and puts up more of a fight about bath time than the kids do. I know he loves his kids and his family. He is with them playing reading books building things etc all the time. We are a really close family otherwise and spend most of our time together.

Any specific advice on parenting classes, safety classes or anything else I would appreciate it. For example tonight the bath thing he just thinks I’m making a big deal out of nothing. I feel like a crazy person here.

He doesn't actually love his kids or family. He loves the idea of them.

OP, I'm guess you and your DH are on the younger side? The way you talk about him being in school and only being in the working world for 3 years makes me think this is the case. Did your DH ever live on his own, or has every aspect of his domestic life been handled by his mother and now you? Sounds like you have an irresponsible Peter Pan manchild on your hands who has never had to be truly responsible, and never fails because someone is always swooping in behind him. And unfortunately, now you have to keep him from failing because failure means injury or death to your children.

I echo what others have written. Parent as if you are a single parent. Cut him out of everything possible. Stop having children with him. If you can, get him into parenting classes, therapy, anything. Find someone who can have a cone to jesus conversation with him that he might actually listen to. Because he's not going to listen ot you.

[Anonymous]

One thing that stands out to me is that no one has been injured or hurt.

From OP’s post, yes these instances are alarming.

However, I have a family member who makes similar claims about her DH that are rather hysterical and dramatic. She too could share 50 times her DH has endangered her kids but nothing has actually happened. She does have a lot of anxiety and mental health problems.

Take the left baby in the bath to make dinner. Was this for 20 minutes, which is what is suggested when you’re saying someone went to make dinner or did he quickly run downstairs to check if the water is boiling and then go back upstairs? Was there half an inch if water or a full bath? There is a difference.

Losing the childcare a playground…really? Could the child open the gate and leave? How long could this have really gone on for? I’ve also lost sight of my kids at a playground and then I find him in a few minutes. Notice how OP has described this.

When DH left the museum, was OP there also? How does she know the two kids found each other and were distressed? My guess is he took a work call because OP was at the museum too. It seems unlikely that a man described as so incompetent would take 2 young kids to a museum to begin with without mom.

With my family member it took me a while but I’ve learned to poke holes in her stories. She also will suggest other people endanger her children or don’t treat them well.

OP’s comment that she would have called the police (really?) if this had happened with a nanny or daycare is another red flag.

[Anonymous]

You need to reframe: This is a 5 year problem, because realistically, once the baby is around 5 they will have the independence not to be in danger if dad is unsafe.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

You’ve already talked to him and nothing has changed. At this point you need to focus on keeping the kids safe. That means you need to stop thinking of him as a partner and you need to function as a single mom. The other thing you need to do is make sure you don’t get divorced in the next 5 years because he will get custody.

When the children aren’t with you, they need to be with a babysitter. Instead of focusing energy on convincing him to be safe, you need to spend that time structuring the kid’s lives so they’re safe regardless of what he does. Note, you should not tell him you’re doing this, just do it.

The second thing is to avoid divorce. Stop complaining about the lack of safety. Sleep with him at least once a week. Remember, that even if you don’t initiate a divorce, he could still do it and you would be in the same predicament. You’re simply not in a place where you can trust him.

Reevaluate the relationship in 5 years. Maybe once the safety problems is resolved, you can be happy with him. Maybe you can finally divorce. But until then, you need to prioritize keeping the kids alive.

[Anonymous]

How did you not see this two kids ago? You are complicit and now you and the kids are trapped.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One thing that stands out to me is that no one has been injured or hurt.

From OP’s post, yes these instances are alarming.

However, I have a family member who makes similar claims about her DH that are rather hysterical and dramatic. She too could share 50 times her DH has endangered her kids but nothing has actually happened. She does have a lot of anxiety and mental health problems.

Take the left baby in the bath to make dinner. Was this for 20 minutes, which is what is suggested when you’re saying someone went to make dinner or did he quickly run downstairs to check if the water is boiling and then go back upstairs? Was there half an inch if water or a full bath? There is a difference.

Losing the childcare a playground…really? Could the child open the gate and leave? How long could this have really gone on for? I’ve also lost sight of my kids at a playground and then I find him in a few minutes. Notice how OP has described this.

When DH left the museum, was OP there also? How does she know the two kids found each other and were distressed? My guess is he took a work call because OP was at the museum too. It seems unlikely that a man described as so incompetent would take 2 young kids to a museum to begin with without mom.

With my family member it took me a while but I’ve learned to poke holes in her stories. She also will suggest other people endanger her children or don’t treat them well.

OP’s comment that she would have called the police (really?) if this had happened with a nanny or daycare is another red flag.

Just because no one has been injured or hurt yet doesn’t meant anything.. it also doesn’t mean it can’t happen in the future.

[Anonymous]

1) You start reporting him to create a paper trail. JIC.

2) You stop hiding this. Let everyone know what he does. Family, friends, neighbors, parents of children's friends, service providers, employers, school, daycare. You want more eyes on your kids. Don't beat around the bush. Tell people that he is a danger to your kids because of persistent obliviousness that could very well also be neurological.

4) You hire caregivers for all the times when you are not around

5) He needs to be on medication. He also needs to go through parenting class.

6) Be prepared to divorce if necessary. Parent like a single parent.

7) Get as much insurance as you can while you can.

[Anonymous]

8) Get your tubes tied and he should get snipped.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One thing that stands out to me is that no one has been injured or hurt.

From OP’s post, yes these instances are alarming.

However, I have a family member who makes similar claims about her DH that are rather hysterical and dramatic. She too could share 50 times her DH has endangered her kids but nothing has actually happened. She does have a lot of anxiety and mental health problems.

Take the left baby in the bath to make dinner. Was this for 20 minutes, which is what is suggested when you’re saying someone went to make dinner or did he quickly run downstairs to check if the water is boiling and then go back upstairs? Was there half an inch if water or a full bath? There is a difference.

Losing the childcare a playground…really? Could the child open the gate and leave? How long could this have really gone on for? I’ve also lost sight of my kids at a playground and then I find him in a few minutes. Notice how OP has described this.

When DH left the museum, was OP there also? How does she know the two kids found each other and were distressed? My guess is he took a work call because OP was at the museum too. It seems unlikely that a man described as so incompetent would take 2 young kids to a museum to begin with without mom.

With my family member it took me a while but I’ve learned to poke holes in her stories. She also will suggest other people endanger her children or don’t treat them well.

OP’s comment that she would have called the police (really?) if this had happened with a nanny or daycare is another red flag.

A lot of playgrounds don't have gates. Some have multiple sections. My child left the playground and ran out into the street once. Kids can get lost at a playground.

When my husband has been in charge of the kids alone at a museum, it's because I was in the bathroom. Mom could have been there but changing or feeding the baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1) You start reporting him to create a paper trail. JIC.

2) You stop hiding this. Let everyone know what he does. Family, friends, neighbors, parents of children's friends, service providers, employers, school, daycare. You want more eyes on your kids. Don't beat around the bush. Tell people that he is a danger to your kids because of persistent obliviousness that could very well also be neurological.

4) You hire caregivers for all the times when you are not around

5) He needs to be on medication. He also needs to go through parenting class.

6) Be prepared to divorce if necessary. Parent like a single parent.

7) Get as much insurance as you can while you can.

8) Get your tubes tied and he should get snipped.

9) Get as much digital surveillance inside the home and around the kids as possible. Remember to make copies of recordings etc as proof. Also, make use of all kind of technology available to ensure the safety of your kids. Locators, alarms etc.

[Anonymous]

Why did you go on to have more kids w a man as such?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One thing that stands out to me is that no one has been injured or hurt.

From OP’s post, yes these instances are alarming.

However, I have a family member who makes similar claims about her DH that are rather hysterical and dramatic. She too could share 50 times her DH has endangered her kids but nothing has actually happened. She does have a lot of anxiety and mental health problems.

Take the left baby in the bath to make dinner. Was this for 20 minutes, which is what is suggested when you’re saying someone went to make dinner or did he quickly run downstairs to check if the water is boiling and then go back upstairs? Was there half an inch if water or a full bath? There is a difference.

Losing the childcare a playground…really? Could the child open the gate and leave? How long could this have really gone on for? I’ve also lost sight of my kids at a playground and then I find him in a few minutes. Notice how OP has described this.

When DH left the museum, was OP there also? How does she know the two kids found each other and were distressed? My guess is he took a work call because OP was at the museum too. It seems unlikely that a man described as so incompetent would take 2 young kids to a museum to begin with without mom.

With my family member it took me a while but I’ve learned to poke holes in her stories. She also will suggest other people endanger her children or don’t treat them well.

OP’s comment that she would have called the police (really?) if this had happened with a nanny or daycare is another red flag.

Just because no one has been injured or hurt yet doesn’t meant anything.. it also doesn’t mean it can’t happen in the future.

True, but it’s easy to poke holes in these stories and the chance that all of these things happened and no one got hurt…well….

[Anonymous]

You guys need to go into therapy over this and talk through how he needs to change. You parenting like a single mom is a ridiculous suggestion and will build up so much resentment and distance. It’s not on you to parent behind his back but it is on you to help him improve.

[Anonymous]

Can you elaborate on the story about the museum? Which museum? How long as he outside? Did he tell ANYONE he was stepping out?

[Anonymous]

Can you insist on a physical with you present where you go through these examples? One of my brothers is a fun not super paying attention kind of dad and even he would never leave the kids in a museum to step out for a call. Their oldest did fall into a pool they when no one was watching at age 3 and it’s pure luck he didn’t down before someone found him.

Agree he does not take the kids anywhere with out you until you figure this out. I’m very sorry.

[Anonymous]

My ASD spouse is like this to a T. It is a nightmare. He doesn’t seem to learn from any of the dangerous things he’s done with the kids. My advice to OP is talk with a lawyer to determine when you might be able to try for full custody. Until that is met stay to keep your kids safe. Family member divorced under similar circumstances and her children’s carefully protected lives were blown apart 50% of the time. Not worth it.