What to Do with an Unsafe Dad?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce will make your life about 99.9% better.

Feel free to share your story of how your divorce helped protect your kids

My dad was careless and my mom kept pointing it out. From safety training at school, I knew she was right. So my sister and I generally followed mom's rules. My dad was a good dad in other ways. I think all this "divorce now" stuff is kind of crazy.

Most Gen-Xers can remember doing things that are considered shockingly unsafe now. Lots of us were put to sleep on our stomachs and rode in the back seat without seatbelts. My first car seat was taken off the market because it didn't work very well and kids submarined right out of it (it was shaped like a play desk). Several people I know were allowed to play with soft lead objects and molten lead. As well as mercury.

Yeah, a lot of people who are SO APPALLED by this dad are probably texting and driving on occasion — which is as bad as drunk driving.

I do think the leaving a toddler in waist deep water while you go cook is really egregious (but does this mom think a toddler is 2 or 4.5). But some of the other stuff, I’m a lot more meh about. OP is also refusing to say how old the older kids are so I bet at least one of them is old enough that some of us would not be so worried about some of this.

[Anonymous]

Your husband needs to evaluated by a psych for adhd and maybe depression. Amongst other things.

And you need household help getting through this. Can you afford to hire a nanny or a full time baby nurse?

In the meantime your husband cannot be responsible for dangerous things like bathing your kids, taking them into public alone, or depending on how old the kids are, even preparing meals (whose to say he won’t feed them age innapropriate choking hazards). I’m sorry OP sounds very stressful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thank you all for the responses.

These events I mentioned have happened more recently as I have been spending more time at home or with the baby.

As some mentioned some of these things can easily happen to anyone. Kids are unpredictable and life with kids is hectic. But my overall concern is that they happen more frequently with him because he can be relaxed about safety and a bit “checked out.”

To those who have asked - yes he went to the museum alone with the kids and left them to answer a call without telling them or anyone. He also went downstairs to make dinner while our toddler was having a tantrum in the bath because “he thought he would calm down.” The water was up to his chest while he was sitting. My toddler was thrashing around and throwing things. I actually came out already worried for safety even with the expectation that his dad was with him. He also had the baby at 2 months in a large duvet because he did not want to get the baby’s blanket and bent over to do something when the baby slipped out and fell.

I appreciate the honesty and tips. I agree that I will mostly be with the kids. And see if he agrees to parenting and safety classes.

All of that is really bad and maybe what's the worst is that - it sounds like - he didn't change after he literally dropped a baby? I mean we've all made mistakes, but we learn from them. And accidents happen of course, but most parents take precautions afterwards. I once tripped and fell while carrying my 2 year old on my shoulders. Thankfully she wasn't hurt but I never carried her that way again. DH used to carry our first baby down the stairs in his car seat carrier, not strapped in, even when I asked him not to, until the day he slipped at the bottom of the steps and the baby would have fallen out if they'd been farther up. So he learned from that and stopped doing it.

If your husband isn't learning from all this, that is really pretty shocking.

Additionally, DH and I made a pact that if we did something the other felt incredibly strongly about, even if we didn't agree it was dangerous, we'd stop if asked. So DH was way more relaxed than I was about food size/possible choking, but because I asked him to make the pieces much smaller for my own peace of mind, he did. Can you try that with your husband or is he really so checked out that none of this registers? If so, he is either the most relaxed man in the world, the most absent-minded, or truly has some medical issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband needs to evaluated by a psych for adhd and maybe depression. Amongst other things.

And you need household help getting through this. Can you afford to hire a nanny or a full time baby nurse?

In the meantime your husband cannot be responsible for dangerous things like bathing your kids, taking them into public alone, or depending on how old the kids are, even preparing meals (whose to say he won’t feed them age innapropriate choking hazards). I’m sorry OP sounds very stressful.

Agree. Multiple posters have said this sounds like ADHD. Having an ADHD spouse is stressful, and marriages with an ADHD spouse are more likely to end in divorce.

Please consider an evaluation, OP. It's expensive, but parenting classes *alone* will not help if ADHD is part of the problem.

[Anonymous]

Yikes, OP. I'm late to this thread but it reads like I could have written it. Behavior like this made me think at one point that my DH might have a brain tumor or was dealing with a TBI that had been missed. The lapses were so egregious that I tried to reach for insane explanations for them. Eventually after neurology appointments and seeing other specialists, DH was diagnosed with ADHD as well as autism and depression. Both were surprising but also helped me puzzle together some things over the years that just didn't make sense. But I think that might not even be everything that's going on.

A diagnosis is not a cure. And unfortunately, once our kids were school-aged, DH began to lean on his diagnoses as excuses. Even with medication, his ADHD very much affected our home life. He used his medication during the work day to great success but the side effects were anger and aggression, and he also didn't take them on weekends or late in the afternoon, so we didn't benefit from them at home.

Eventually DH left us. It was shocking and horrible, and extremely hard for me and the kids, but at the same time I am relieved that they aren't being driven regularly by him and that the safety lapses that were still occurring are no longer an issue.