What to Do with an Unsafe Dad?

[Anonymous]

Your husband has ADHD and needs to be evaluated and medicated. In the meantime, you DO NOT LEAVE HIM ALONE with the children. Hire a night nanny if you have to. He is a danger to your children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband constantly puts our kids in danger. It started out as what I thought was carelessness (or maybe me being too careful?), but over time I have become seriously concerned. I was thinking that some of the things he has done I probably would have called the police if it had happened at a daycare or with a nanny.
Tonight, he left our tantruming toddler alone in a full bath to make dinner downstairs. I was feeding the baby who was fussy and I had asked him to take care of the 2 older kids. I actually came to the bathroom thinking my toddler was giving him a hard time and that I should help but I was shocked to find him alone.
Some other things he has done:
- Spaced out at the playground and lost our toddler for a long time multiple times (my toddler now has nightmares about being left somewhere).
- Spaces out a lot in general which is an issue.
- Left the building at a museum to answer a work call. Didn’t tell the two kids (not that that would even be ok). They ended up finding each other and looking for him in distress.
- Dropped our baby while holding her improperly. I took her to the doctor and she is fine thankfully.
- Done unsafe things like letting our kids get out of the car while street parking before he does, letting them walk off on busy streets and letting them walk out the front door of our house without him (we live off a busy street).
- I walk away for a few minutes to cook dinner, leaving him with the baby and toddler and they have dumped out small Legos with plenty of tiny pieces within reach of the baby. I could go on…
I feel like every day there is a new way he creates an unsafe situation that I have to troubleshoot. A lot of the time, he treats me like I am a broken record or says ok without meaning it. Then he is super apologetic, appears to care and promises to change when something serious happens. But a week or so later it’s back to the same thing.
Most of the time I am on edge trying to arrange our lives around what I think will be less unsafe like keeping the baby and toddler with me. But this is not sustainable. Even what I consider safe, like going to the park, I have to rethink. We both work high-pressure full-time jobs and I am just at a loss.
I have even told him I would call the police the next time something happens because I have no idea what else to do.
I have seriously considered divorce over this (obviously there is more to him and us than this and I love him and don’t want to divorce him) but would that even solve the issue?
I love my kids and quite honestly nothing on earth means more to me than them. I could never forgive myself for not protecting them.
Trolls I see you coming from a mile away! But I really hope to get some real live advice from someone on here.

I would never to eat him be alone with them. He is a danger to these children.

[Anonymous]

OP here - thank you all for the responses.

These events I mentioned have happened more recently as I have been spending more time at home or with the baby.

As some mentioned some of these things can easily happen to anyone. Kids are unpredictable and life with kids is hectic. But my overall concern is that they happen more frequently with him because he can be relaxed about safety and a bit “checked out.”

To those who have asked - yes he went to the museum alone with the kids and left them to answer a call without telling them or anyone. He also went downstairs to make dinner while our toddler was having a tantrum in the bath because “he thought he would calm down.” The water was up to his chest while he was sitting. My toddler was thrashing around and throwing things. I actually came out already worried for safety even with the expectation that his dad was with him. He also had the baby at 2 months in a large duvet because he did not want to get the baby’s blanket and bent over to do something when the baby slipped out and fell.

I appreciate the honesty and tips. I agree that I will mostly be with the kids. And see if he agrees to parenting and safety classes.

[Anonymous]

Do not let him force you out of your career. Mine did that. Once the power dynamic was more uneven, things got even worse.

He may be doing this intentionally at times when you will "accidentally" find him out, in order to manipulate you.

Many people go into debt in this phase in order to afford enough childcare, and remember that half the debt will belong to him post-divorce. That is what I would have done differently rather than letting him sabotage my job.

[Anonymous]

Divorce will make your life about 99.9% better.

[Anonymous]

How old are the older kids? And do you have 3 or 4 children?

I think you are being a drama lama about a lot of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you saying he lets your toddler out of the car in the street alone and left them in a museum alone? WTF Op. How can you even sleep next to him knowing how little he values your kids? He is a full grown adult male who is capable of reproducing at least 3 times he can grow up and be responsible for his kids. How old are your kids and how long have you been together? Hire a live in full time nanny if you have to- your kids are in so much danger and you are complicit.

DP
This is not helpful. Stfu and stop bullying people online. Find something else to do that doesn't involve abusing people who are asking for help

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorce will make your life about 99.9% better.

Feel free to share your story of how your divorce helped protect your kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thank you all for the responses.

These events I mentioned have happened more recently as I have been spending more time at home or with the baby.

As some mentioned some of these things can easily happen to anyone. Kids are unpredictable and life with kids is hectic. But my overall concern is that they happen more frequently with him because he can be relaxed about safety and a bit “checked out.”

To those who have asked - yes he went to the museum alone with the kids and left them to answer a call without telling them or anyone. He also went downstairs to make dinner while our toddler was having a tantrum in the bath because “he thought he would calm down.” The water was up to his chest while he was sitting. My toddler was thrashing around and throwing things. I actually came out already worried for safety even with the expectation that his dad was with him. He also had the baby at 2 months in a large duvet because he did not want to get the baby’s blanket and bent over to do something when the baby slipped out and fell.

I appreciate the honesty and tips. I agree that I will mostly be with the kids. And see if he agrees to parenting and safety classes.

I think you need to have a come to Jesus talk with him. Not threaten divorce because empty threats are bad, but call him what he is, a neglectful parent that could get his kids killed or removed from the home. Tell him that if it happens again you will not leave him alone with the kids, which will cost you and you will resent him for it but unfortunately he can't keep them safe.

Also, consult an attorney about your options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorce will make your life about 99.9% better.

How exactly? He will get 50% custody and a dead child make life 99.9% worse.

[Anonymous]

Hold your ground if he tries to gaslight you about what is appropriate. Men are socialized to be confident when they are out of their depth, women are socialized to question ourselves constantly. You know what you know, don't back down

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hold your ground if he tries to gaslight you about what is appropriate. Men are socialized to be confident when they are out of their depth, women are socialized to question ourselves constantly. You know what you know, don't back down

This is a good point. I wonder if you could get an au pair for another person with (hopefully) better judgement around?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Patent like you are a single mom.

Divorce is no option with someone like this, he could have them alone 50% of the time. My ex was similar, neighbors even called CPS but bc we were getting divorced the would not act. My kids have PTSD and had to grow up way too fast.

If you do divorce, try to move somewhere where you have family support. Sometimes distance is a good option re: safety.

Is he consistently employed? Sounds like ADD or some type of mental or addiction issue. No more kids with him, OP.

Why the hell would she even think about divorce? This behavior doesn't have to do with their relationship! What a weird comment. So strange that your mind went straight to "divorce." Like, WTAF.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce will make your life about 99.9% better.

Feel free to share your story of how your divorce helped protect your kids

My dad was careless and my mom kept pointing it out. From safety training at school, I knew she was right. So my sister and I generally followed mom's rules. My dad was a good dad in other ways. I think all this "divorce now" stuff is kind of crazy.

Most Gen-Xers can remember doing things that are considered shockingly unsafe now. Lots of us were put to sleep on our stomachs and rode in the back seat without seatbelts. My first car seat was taken off the market because it didn't work very well and kids submarined right out of it (it was shaped like a play desk). Several people I know were allowed to play with soft lead objects and molten lead. As well as mercury.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce will make your life about 99.9% better.

Feel free to share your story of how your divorce helped protect your kids

My dad was careless and my mom kept pointing it out. From safety training at school, I knew she was right. So my sister and I generally followed mom's rules. My dad was a good dad in other ways. I think all this "divorce now" stuff is kind of crazy.

Most Gen-Xers can remember doing things that are considered shockingly unsafe now. Lots of us were put to sleep on our stomachs and rode in the back seat without seatbelts. My first car seat was taken off the market because it didn't work very well and kids submarined right out of it (it was shaped like a play desk). Several people I know were allowed to play with soft lead objects and molten lead. As well as mercury.

I mostly agree with you, but those things are considered "shockingly unsafe" because they resulted in child deaths.

But no, "divorce!" as the automatic response to OP is obviously absurd