What to Do with an Unsafe Dad?

[Anonymous]

How old are all these kids and what ages were they when all these incidents happened? Because some of this sounds horrible and some of it may be no big deal. If you are over the top about EVERYTHING, it isn’t going to help you here. Not giving a kid a bath every single day is not a big deal (if this is what you meant).

Focus on the few things that really, really matter — like water safety. The truth is that most parents have likely stepped out of the bathroom for a minute while a 2-4 year old was bathing. I’m not saying they should have, but it happens. I know I did it years ago on incredibly rare occasions for something urgent and, in my case, I kept talking to the kid or had them sing so I knew they weren’t underwater. Sounds like you can’t trust your husband to give them a bath until they are 5 years old or so.

The car safety thing, I’m really curious how old these kids were as they got out of the car by themselves. 3 or 8? Because there comes a point when kids do get out of the car by themselves.

But overall, you seem to have a benignly neglectful husband on your hands. It will likely actually get better as the kids get older — unless he becomes the parent pouting the shots for 8th graders. You need to function like a single parent on some issues to maintain safety. And see if you stick to a few issues if he can do better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP. I think parenting has become more careful over the decades. We are more aware of safety hazards than our grandparents. It's possible the husband's family was more cavalier in their parenting so he doesn't know.

OP does not need to divorce. And does not need to do all the work herself. She needs to swap chores so she is doing the safety-oriented things.

OP, btw, Americans supposedly are among the most frequent baby bathers in the world. It's an artifact of our modern conveniences and baby product marketing. So maybe your kids don't need baths every day. Research it if you don't believe me. I read up on it because my babies hated bathtime and would get sad about being in the baby bathtub. I felt bad making them cry when I could just wipe them off during diaper changes and they never got stinky in between less-frequent baths. So don't make extra work for yourself.

Local hospitals may have first aid classes for parents. That would be a good start.

Another piece of advice. Watch your children around choking hazards. Avoid serving large ice cubes, large apple slices, hotdogs, and grapes until your kids are old enough to chew neatly and thoroughly.

Are you serious?! Cutting back on baths for the kids because the husband is an incompetent ass is not the answer. Give me a break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - to clarify he has a demanding job and has been able to perform well and receive good feedback. He has been in school for most of our relationship. But now has a good job since the past 3 years. I have already stepped down in position and intensity from my career which I really don’t want to let go(but I see the point of being a SAHM in this case). He has always been “easygoing” but I just never imagined that he would be so nonchalant with our children.

The only things I have ever seen him accomplish with care and urgency are his schoolwork and his job. he justifies his behavior on safety by believing that I am making a big deal out of nothing, that accidents happen and things will get better.

The things I mentioned are the life threatening things. In general though he refuses to accept the importance of safety hygiene and his role as a parent in these key areas for the kids. For example, he thinks it’s okay to let our son continue sleeping in his bed after he wets it. He also doesn’t wash the kids properly and puts up more of a fight about bath time than the kids do. I know he loves his kids and his family. He is with them playing reading books building things etc all the time. We are a really close family otherwise and spend most of our time together.

Any specific advice on parenting classes, safety classes or anything else I would appreciate it. For example tonight the bath thing he just thinks I’m making a big deal out of nothing. I feel like a crazy person here.

He likes the playing and the reading, but not the bathing and changing. He has positioned himself as a fun dad, the fun parent. Agree with the others, for the safety of your children, parent like you are a single mom, and I say this a single mom.

[Anonymous]

I went through this in a milder scale. I simply didn’t leave my kids unsupervised with unsafe dad. It’s a burden, but one I was willing to bear to protect them.

[Anonymous]

Your husband may have inattentive adhd, and he spaces out or forgets what he sometimes does. Act like a single mom, so safety is number one on your list.

[Anonymous]

Please don’t let him bathe the kids, cook with the kids, swim with kids, etc - anything that could turn deadly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are all these kids and what ages were they when all these incidents happened? Because some of this sounds horrible and some of it may be no big deal. If you are over the top about EVERYTHING, it isn’t going to help you here. Not giving a kid a bath every single day is not a big deal (if this is what you meant).

Focus on the few things that really, really matter — like water safety. The truth is that most parents have likely stepped out of the bathroom for a minute while a 2-4 year old was bathing. I’m not saying they should have, but it happens. I know I did it years ago on incredibly rare occasions for something urgent and, in my case, I kept talking to the kid or had them sing so I knew they weren’t underwater. Sounds like you can’t trust your husband to give them a bath until they are 5 years old or so.

The car safety thing, I’m really curious how old these kids were as they got out of the car by themselves. 3 or 8? Because there comes a point when kids do get out of the car by themselves.

But overall, you seem to have a benignly neglectful husband on your hands. It will likely actually get better as the kids get older — unless he becomes the parent pouting the shots for 8th graders. You need to function like a single parent on some issues to maintain safety. And see if you stick to a few issues if he can do better.

This. Don't have him bathe the kids or take them places by himself, and ask him to be sure the kids get out of the car on the house side, not street side. But kids don't need baths every day unless they are wallowing in mud. The lego thing could happen any time, so while upsetting, I wouldn't put that in the same category at all. Let him entertain the kids in the house, you do the baths, and take family outings together, not him alone with kids.

[Anonymous]

It gets easier when the kids get older.

You do have to put more effort into making sure the kids are learning good judgment, since he's a bad influence.

I also just accepted people would sometimes think I was obsessive or overprotective. Oh well. The ironic part is that I actually do a lot to make sure my kids have independence and am pretty hands off in many areas of parenting so they learn to make mistakes. Because that's part of teaching them good judgment. But yes, there are certain things I simply did not allow my DH to do, which yes is controlling, but he was not safe and would not adjust his behavior to become more safe so instead I did it.

[Anonymous]

Truthfully, your kids are at risk when you put your kids in the car. Nobody stops driving their kids around just because they hear a kid gets killed in a car crash. But we decide that much more remote risks are worth freaking out about.

Some of your concerns are totally justified, but don’t freak out about everything. I had a friend who would not let her kid take a shower alone in the house as a teen based on the remote risk he might slip, hit his head and die.

[Anonymous]

Hire yourself a Manny. Husband feels emasculated but things get done around the house

[Anonymous]

Double up on your birth control. It was highly irresponsible of you to have 3 kids with this man in the first place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - to clarify he has a demanding job and has been able to perform well and receive good feedback. He has been in school for most of our relationship. But now has a good job since the past 3 years. I have already stepped down in position and intensity from my career which I really don’t want to let go(but I see the point of being a SAHM in this case). He has always been “easygoing” but I just never imagined that he would be so nonchalant with our children.

The only things I have ever seen him accomplish with care and urgency are his schoolwork and his job. he justifies his behavior on safety by believing that I am making a big deal out of nothing, that accidents happen and things will get better.

The things I mentioned are the life threatening things. In general though he refuses to accept the importance of safety hygiene and his role as a parent in these key areas for the kids. For example, he thinks it’s okay to let our son continue sleeping in his bed after he wets it. He also doesn’t wash the kids properly and puts up more of a fight about bath time than the kids do. I know he loves his kids and his family. He is with them playing reading books building things etc all the time. We are a really close family otherwise and spend most of our time together.

Any specific advice on parenting classes, safety classes or anything else I would appreciate it. For example tonight the bath thing he just thinks I’m making a big deal out of nothing. I feel like a crazy person here.

Is there someone outside the family that he respects and would give him a wake-up call? Pediatrician, pastor, uncle, or fellow dad? You are not alone and would wager that most moms have had a few wtf moments with their husbands. The difference is that most dads are berated or scared into changing their ways and yours has not. There should be resources for single dads that he might be able to access.

Some moms get around this by hiring childcare, which also enables male helplessness and justifies it, but at least your kids are safe.

I’ll end by commenting that I didn’t consider the realities of co-parenting before marriage because I had no idea what being a parent was like. If sexual preference were a choice, in retrospect, I would have chosen to be a gay woman all day long. My friend and her wife have the most serene and harmonious parenting relationship I have ever seen. One works full time and tue other works part time and they are always on the same page and considerate of the needs of the house, the kids, and each other.

Usually mom keeps track of the pta, healthcare appointments, buying new socks, scheduling haircuts, and dad “helps out” but never bears the mental burden of keeping track of enough milk, costume day at school, signups for soccer, etc. To add “keeping your kids alive” on top of that is too much.

[Anonymous]

As someone going through the same thing, another thing to watch for as the kids get older, make sure they're not put in the default parent role. And that they should never feel like they are responsible for or have to parent their father

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He sounds like he has severe inattentive ADHD, coupled with a refusal to recognize there is a problem. My husband is inattentive and did some of these things, and others (not paying attention to our kids' food allergies!), but by dint of nagging and yelling, he gradually understood that he needed to make an effort otherwise I would make his life unbearable.

Yes, severe ADHD. He needs to get an evaluation to determine if it's this, get on meds, and learn to manage the ADHD. Imagine if your husband spaces out while driving the kids or forgets a kid in the car. Medication can help with some of this, but also developing habits that force him to check on the kids or be safer with them. Maybe his phone stays on the car seat with the youngest kid so he can't leave the car without checking that car seat. Maybe he cooks dinner, so you can watch the kids and keep them out of the kitchen. Maybe you take over bath, but he takes over getting them dressed and reading in bed, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP. I think parenting has become more careful over the decades. We are more aware of safety hazards than our grandparents. It's possible the husband's family was more cavalier in their parenting so he doesn't know.

OP does not need to divorce. And does not need to do all the work herself. She needs to swap chores so she is doing the safety-oriented things.

OP, btw, Americans supposedly are among the most frequent baby bathers in the world. It's an artifact of our modern conveniences and baby product marketing. So maybe your kids don't need baths every day. Research it if you don't believe me. I read up on it because my babies hated bathtime and would get sad about being in the baby bathtub. I felt bad making them cry when I could just wipe them off during diaper changes and they never got stinky in between less-frequent baths. So don't make extra work for yourself.

Local hospitals may have first aid classes for parents. That would be a good start.

Another piece of advice. Watch your children around choking hazards. Avoid serving large ice cubes, large apple slices, hotdogs, and grapes until your kids are old enough to chew neatly and thoroughly.

Are you serious?! Cutting back on baths for the kids because the husband is an incompetent ass is not the answer. Give me a break.

Yeah I'm serious. I'm all for cutting back on societal make-work that falls on moms for whatever reason.

Some people need explicit permission from peers to make their life simpler. To understand that people do all different things in all different cultures. Putting infants in their own bedroom is another example of something extremely normal in American upperclass culture that's quite weird in the entire context of global humanity for all time.

If there's no time to bathe the baby safely, wipe the baby off and call it a day. Then tackle the next problem.