What to Do with an Unsafe Dad?

[Anonymous]

My husband constantly puts our kids in danger. It started out as what I thought was carelessness (or maybe me being too careful?), but over time I have become seriously concerned. I was thinking that some of the things he has done I probably would have called the police if it had happened at a daycare or with a nanny.
Tonight, he left our tantruming toddler alone in a full bath to make dinner downstairs. I was feeding the baby who was fussy and I had asked him to take care of the 2 older kids. I actually came to the bathroom thinking my toddler was giving him a hard time and that I should help but I was shocked to find him alone.
Some other things he has done:
- Spaced out at the playground and lost our toddler for a long time multiple times (my toddler now has nightmares about being left somewhere).
- Spaces out a lot in general which is an issue.
- Left the building at a museum to answer a work call. Didn’t tell the two kids (not that that would even be ok). They ended up finding each other and looking for him in distress.
- Dropped our baby while holding her improperly. I took her to the doctor and she is fine thankfully.
- Done unsafe things like letting our kids get out of the car while street parking before he does, letting them walk off on busy streets and letting them walk out the front door of our house without him (we live off a busy street).
- I walk away for a few minutes to cook dinner, leaving him with the baby and toddler and they have dumped out small Legos with plenty of tiny pieces within reach of the baby. I could go on…
I feel like every day there is a new way he creates an unsafe situation that I have to troubleshoot. A lot of the time, he treats me like I am a broken record or says ok without meaning it. Then he is super apologetic, appears to care and promises to change when something serious happens. But a week or so later it’s back to the same thing.
Most of the time I am on edge trying to arrange our lives around what I think will be less unsafe like keeping the baby and toddler with me. But this is not sustainable. Even what I consider safe, like going to the park, I have to rethink. We both work high-pressure full-time jobs and I am just at a loss.
I have even told him I would call the police the next time something happens because I have no idea what else to do.
I have seriously considered divorce over this (obviously there is more to him and us than this and I love him and don’t want to divorce him) but would that even solve the issue?
I love my kids and quite honestly nothing on earth means more to me than them. I could never forgive myself for not protecting them.
Trolls I see you coming from a mile away! But I really hope to get some real live advice from someone on here.

[Anonymous]

Patent like you are a single mom.

Divorce is no option with someone like this, he could have them alone 50% of the time. My ex was similar, neighbors even called CPS but bc we were getting divorced the would not act. My kids have PTSD and had to grow up way too fast.

If you do divorce, try to move somewhere where you have family support. Sometimes distance is a good option re: safety.

Is he consistently employed? Sounds like ADD or some type of mental or addiction issue. No more kids with him, OP.

[Anonymous]

I didn’t even get through this whole list because I am aghast and I’m a mandated reporter. How could you have let this go on this long? Why did you have 3 kids with this person?? At this point you are an enabler and complicit. I’m not a troll- I’m being straight with you here. At a certain point, you become just as guilty as he is by continuing to leave your children with him. First, document all of this as you have here. Second, get him a full psych evaluation and parenting classes. In all seriousness, if I knew who you were irl, I would have to report all of this. You need very serious intervention at this point- and I would try this before divorce because I worry there would be 50/50 custody.

[Anonymous]

My dad was a little like this.

My mom was a SAHM and she did all the care work. As a young child I remember him picking up hitchikers when I was in the car. Also being 20 minutes late (after closing) to pick me up at the library so the librarians called my mother. My parents then had an argument on the front steps of the library since they arrived simultaneously from different directions. My mom also had tons of rules about water safety since our family vacationed at a lake every summer. Dad was cavalier about it since he had never drowned.

You are right to worry about this. But you can train your kids to follow your rules and to understand that dad makes poor decisions. They will likely absorb your values.

I'm sorry to say that your fears are justifiable. The human race continues to exist largely because of women's vigilance. Perhaps if you can just accept that this is almost a genetic thing, you can forgive your husband for being a doofus. You may need to tell him that you need to watch the kids and therefore he needs to do the cooking. And that you need to take the kids to the park so he needs to do the grocery shopping. I think that's the best solution. Make him do different tasks that don't run the risk of endangering the children. You can switch back when the baby is 5.

[Anonymous]

He sounds like he has severe inattentive ADHD, coupled with a refusal to recognize there is a problem. My husband is inattentive and did some of these things, and others (not paying attention to our kids' food allergies!), but by dint of nagging and yelling, he gradually understood that he needed to make an effort otherwise I would make his life unbearable.

[Anonymous]

Does he have some sort of brain injury? Is he taking drugs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Patent like you are a single mom.

Divorce is no option with someone like this, he could have them alone 50% of the time. My ex was similar, neighbors even called CPS but bc we were getting divorced the would not act. My kids have PTSD and had to grow up way too fast.

If you do divorce, try to move somewhere where you have family support. Sometimes distance is a good option re: safety.

Is he consistently employed? Sounds like ADD or some type of mental or addiction issue. No more kids with him, OP.

Yes this is the way. I don't let my spouse drive our child anywhere either.

And try to not argue in front of the kids. Low conflict. Make sure to take care of yourself and throw money at the problem if you can

[Anonymous]

Fist of all you can’t call 911 that your husband left legos out. I’m sorry.

But the other things you describe sound very dangerous/ leaving the building while the toddlers are still inside? Letting them go into the road without him when he’s still parking? One of your children is going to be killed,
Like the hot car death dad who played video games while his toddler cooked in the car. I wouldn’t divorce because then he’ll have them alone. But to be frank, I’d quit my job and become a SAHM and just never leave them alone with him. It will be a hard few years but when the youngest is 5 or so, a lot of the significant risks (bath, hot car, choking, running off, etc) are diminished.

[Anonymous]

Terrible advice to quit a job, men like this rarely have stable careers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t even get through this whole list because I am aghast and I’m a mandated reporter. How could you have let this go on this long? Why did you have 3 kids with this person?? At this point you are an enabler and complicit. I’m not a troll- I’m being straight with you here. At a certain point, you become just as guilty as he is by continuing to leave your children with him. First, document all of this as you have here. Second, get him a full psych evaluation and parenting classes. In all seriousness, if I knew who you were irl, I would have to report all of this. You need very serious intervention at this point- and I would try this before divorce because I worry there would be 50/50 custody.

Could you recommend parenting classes?We are not having anymore kids. For a long time I doubted my self because I can generally be too much the other way.(according to him…but I was convinced and I am definitely a mom that is type A in a lot of ways I guess you can say. ) but with the baby now I am seriously concerned.

[Anonymous]

You can’t get divorced until the youngest is at least 5 so realistically, you have to parent like you’re alone.

Practice being a single mom now. You just lucked out in that you have a roommate who pays a big chunk of the mortgage and expenses.

If you get divorced now, he will definitely get custody and it’s a disaster waiting to happen. He will not lose custody until one of your kids gets serious injured or killed. For most people, that’s not a risk they’re willing to take. It’s not an option.

[Anonymous]

I’m afraid I don’t have an answer, but your kids are in danger and you have to protect them. I think I’d probably make sure you control their safety through the weekend, or maybe have them visit Grandma, Aunt, etc., and call the pediatrician first thing Monday morning for his advice. I’d also consult a lawyer to see if you can limit his access for their safety. I would normally avoid CPS like the plague, but if you feel you can’t keep the kids safe, I’d go ahead and call CPS and let the chips fall where they may.

[Anonymous]

My husband was like this and says it’s because he doesn’t know how to parent.

Parent like you’re a single parent OP.

[Anonymous]

OP here - to clarify he has a demanding job and has been able to perform well and receive good feedback. He has been in school for most of our relationship. But now has a good job since the past 3 years. I have already stepped down in position and intensity from my career which I really don’t want to let go(but I see the point of being a SAHM in this case). He has always been “easygoing” but I just never imagined that he would be so nonchalant with our children.

The only things I have ever seen him accomplish with care and urgency are his schoolwork and his job. he justifies his behavior on safety by believing that I am making a big deal out of nothing, that accidents happen and things will get better.

The things I mentioned are the life threatening things. In general though he refuses to accept the importance of safety hygiene and his role as a parent in these key areas for the kids. For example, he thinks it’s okay to let our son continue sleeping in his bed after he wets it. He also doesn’t wash the kids properly and puts up more of a fight about bath time than the kids do. I know he loves his kids and his family. He is with them playing reading books building things etc all the time. We are a really close family otherwise and spend most of our time together.

Any specific advice on parenting classes, safety classes or anything else I would appreciate it. For example tonight the bath thing he just thinks I’m making a big deal out of nothing. I feel like a crazy person here.

[Anonymous]

Are you saying he lets your toddler out of the car in the street alone and left them in a museum alone? WTF Op. How can you even sleep next to him knowing how little he values your kids? He is a full grown adult male who is capable of reproducing at least 3 times he can grow up and be responsible for his kids. How old are your kids and how long have you been together? Hire a live in full time nanny if you have to- your kids are in so much danger and you are complicit.