Getting your adult kids "off the payroll"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:keep saying no on the extras, be consistent

I do that. It's more an issue of how she's managing the 529 distribution that concerns me. But I guess the natural consequence of blowing half of your allowance on a haircut is that you run out of funds early and half to wait 10 days for the next distribution. Ramen noodles are cheap, right? Dining hall food won't kill you, kid.

Then stop giving her full access to the distribution and give her much less and she has to ask for cheaper things. Tell her twice a week eating out and that's it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids have always worked and they know not to come to me for frivolous purchases. I have boys through. If I had a girl I would probably give her extra. Being a woman is expensive.

OP here. There's also the equity issue. The older child is out of college, has a salary, but lives in a high cost of living area. Her rent for a small bedroom in an apartment is nearly as much as my mortgage. There is no monthly allowance from a 529 anymore. She makes it work.

The youngest is still in college. I'm taking care of her needs -- that's fine, she's still a dependent. But if I indulge in the "extras" then I feel like I need to give the older child "extras" too. Or, if the older child finds out her sister gets "extras" she might be hurt and resentful.

I guess I, too, am still trying to move past the childhood era when I tried to treat them equally.

I guess we'll see where we are in a couple of years when younger child graduates. That will be more of an apples-to-apples situation. I can just see their different financial habits and worry more about the younger one.

You paid for those things in college for the older one but $200 hair cuts and other things is way to much. This isn't about equity its about limits and over spending.

[Anonymous]

It's not only the fiscally irresponsible parent contributing to this mess, it's the sorority too. She's surrounded by not-very-bright girls who just call daddy when their accounts need topping up. Marrying well is their goal in life.

[Anonymous]

Older one is not a child. She left the nest. Younger one, stand your grounds and be consistent with your rules. The rules are not negotiable just because something is urgent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Anyone have any advice on helping adult children understand they won't be able to afford things their parents paid for when they were teenagers now that they're supposed to be launched? That they need to budget their own income and adjust their lifestyles accordingly and there won't be parental subsidies?

My own situation is complicated because I'm divorced. The ex-spouse who has the higher income (me) is more frugal. The lower-income ex-spouse is more free-spending. This was a contributing factor for the divorce, actually -- one spouse thought nothing of living beyond the family's means. After the divorce, the kids had parents living separately, modeling different financial habits.

Now as young adults, one child is officially launched. She takes after the frugal spouse. Rarely asks for money for extras. I happily pay for things like trips home, help with trips to see her grandparents in California, etc. I send the occasional gift and matched her own contributions to a Roth IRA. She's still on my cell phone on the family plan (that's more inertia) and I'm covering her health insurance as it's superior to what she could get with her own employer. That obviously will end when she turns 26 (by law).

The younger child is still in college. I pay for her sorority because she got a scholarship. She's also on the phone plan and health insurance (of course). She gets a 529 distribution twice a month for living expenses -- food, toiletries, etc. And the 529 also buys a meal plan on campus. She knows she needs to earn her own spending money during the summer for extras but has dragged her feet on that. No matter how many times I have told her she needs to budget the money she receives (and have tried to show her how to do this), this child thinks nothing of Uber Eats for take-out pretty regularly. She also casually spends on things like premium beauty products and just got herself a $200 haircut. These are the sorts of things the other parent does.

She just asked for another distribution a week before it's scheduled because she dropped $200 on a haircut... I.e., she isn't managing her money very well. She's also asking me to pay for Spring Break. She just got upset with me because I told her she'd have to wait until the 15th for her next distribution (she just got one a week ago). She has money on her university account so can eat meals on campus, that's not an issue. She just wants spending money going into the weekend, I think.

I know I need to have a come-to-Jesus (again) with the youngest. But I'm curious for those who've weaned their own adult children off the payroll, and those children are accustomed to certain upper middle class lifestyle habits (like $200 haircuts and premium makeup), how did you snap them to reality? I'm always willing to pay for the things my adult children NEED, but I'm unwilling to indulge everything they WANT.

Dude I cant even....you are still subsidizing your children. A LOT. Cut them off. Cell phone, health insurance, sorority, trips to CA, MATCHING CONTRIBUTIONS TO ROTH (HAHAHAHAH).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Action, or in your case, no action. Talk doesn't matter. There are no magic words. Talk will likely just escalate her emotional manipulation

Btw, how do you know what she spends it on? Mine had a debit card, only, in college and I tried not to look. The times I did look I made some wrong assumptions. Called DS in a panic thinking something was wrong with his (our) car and he was afraid to tell us. There were Uber charges for transportation. My 21 yr old said, "Mom we were out and had been drinking. I took an Uber home. You wouldn't have wanted me to drive, right?"

Yes, I can see debit transactions. I don't exactly monitor but there are some occasions where I see what she's purchasing. She just spent time overseas on a study abroad program and the card got compromised, so I've been monitoring transactions a little more closely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not only the fiscally irresponsible parent contributing to this mess, it's the sorority too. She's surrounded by not-very-bright girls who just call daddy when their accounts need topping up. Marrying well is their goal in life.

OP here. This isn't my daughter at all. Your stereotype is nasty and says a lot about you, none of it good.

[Anonymous]

I am confused about 529 paying for haircuts and beauty things.

The way we do it with our two in college is we pay for tuition, meals and housing.

If something else is a true need they have an Amex for that purpose: books, ds's haircuts at campus barber, cough drops, gas to come home, things like tampons and pads for dd, a new charger...They are very good about not using it without asking if they need a larger item like for instance ds needing a new jacket.

For any "fun" spending, they have a $100/mo allowance. Dd is working on campus so she doesn't even need it and told us we don't need to give it to her, but we do for the sake of equity: DS has not found a job yet so he is perpetually up to $100, down to $65...He's been sending out resumes so hopefully he finds something. Having no fun money is a good motivation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids have always worked and they know not to come to me for frivolous purchases. I have boys through. If I had a girl I would probably give her extra. Being a woman is expensive.

If I had a girl, I wouldn't give her more than I spend on myself. So OP's daughter would be $125 short right there.

Your 20s are the right time to learn to manage beauty expenses vs. life goals. Like alcohol, they are a major source of pleasurable but largely wasted funds on high markup purchases.

[Anonymous]

I don’t get $200 haircuts. If she had gotten a $75-100 haircut, she’d have $100-125 for spending money this weekend.

I don’t buy expensive beauty products at full price. If she’d done something more economical, she’d have spending money this weekend.

Hold the line, OP. She needs to experience the consequences of her spending choices. When she nags you for extra money, briefly and gently note that she might make different spending choices going forward and she might want to sketch out a spending budget.

[Anonymous]

OP, as others have said, you simply need to be clear and consistent. You’ve provided for her needs and a few wants, but not so many that she can buy whatever she wants. That is an approach taken by many parents, and it was similar to mine. I also provided unequally by dollar amount because of some illnesses and exigent circumstances. Fairness between siblings doesn’t necessarily mean doing exactly the same thing for each one. It’s more about commitment to the level of need.

My daughter could NEVER get enough. She always had reasons to ask for more money no matter what we gave and what she received in scholarships and prizes etc. In retrospect, I said yes too often. I wanted to say no, I should have said no, but for many reasons it was painful for me to hear her laments and recriminations. This did not lead to a good outcome.

You’ve set reasonable and appropriate limits and expectations. Now you just need to trust yourself and be comfortable saying no in a firm, polite way, and not entertaining further discussion.

[Anonymous]

Allowing the sorority created an environment for certain appearance standards. Hair, outfits for certain events etc.. I think you should have her look at their event schedule (these girls are usually long term planners) and with you more clearly define her budget requirements for each month/ event. This will both hold her more accountable and reduce surprise costs to you. She can do some of those things more frugally like doing her own nails or cutting out an amount of Uber Eats. Get her to agree to a reasonable number per week for example and then stand firmly in the number you agree to.

[Anonymous]

FWIW I got $200 haircuts in college because my mother continued to pay for them 3x year (end of summer, Winter break, spring break) at the same salon I went to in high school. If this has been her standard of living what do you expect— she goes to supercuts?

[Anonymous]

Say no!! I don’t even get $200 haircuts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids have always worked and they know not to come to me for frivolous purchases. I have boys through. If I had a girl I would probably give her extra. Being a woman is expensive.

OP here. There's also the equity issue. The older child is out of college, has a salary, but lives in a high cost of living area. Her rent for a small bedroom in an apartment is nearly as much as my mortgage. There is no monthly allowance from a 529 anymore. She makes it work.

The youngest is still in college. I'm taking care of her needs -- that's fine, she's still a dependent. But if I indulge in the "extras" then I feel like I need to give the older child "extras" too. Or, if the older child finds out her sister gets "extras" she might be hurt and resentful.

I guess I, too, am still trying to move past the childhood era when I tried to treat them equally.

I guess we'll see where we are in a couple of years when younger child graduates. That will be more of an apples-to-apples situation. I can just see their different financial habits and worry more about the younger one.

Huh??? They are different ages. One is older and has a job. One is younger and in school. Of course you give the younger one more money. If the older one complains, you tell her that you did the same when she was in college.

I can't believe I am the first person to question this 200 dollar haircut habit. I've never paid that much for a haircut and I go to nice places. I pay 125 dollars three or four times a year.

When your daughter runs out of money, you need to remind her that she needs to stick to the budget and if she wants more money, she needs to make money over the summer. Or even - gasp - during the school year.