Getting your adult kids "off the payroll"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just wonder when you accumulate so much money over time ... what's the money meant for?

To sit in bank accounts? To re-invest? To take vacations?

I don't mind giving money to my adult kids.

Why the double hockey sticks would I want them to suffer like I did at their age?

Should I buy a new handbag for myself or pay their rent for 6 months?

I remember asking my mom for 1K 30 years ago so that I could not get evicted. My mom said, "if you get evicted there's something wrong with you, not me, I have 1K and you do not"

My mom's elderly and in a home and I have her blocked on all platforms. Her home costs 12K a month. Not my problem

There is a middle ground. I had NO help as a young person, not that my parents couldn't help financially or were mean, but somehow it didn't even occur to them I might need to eat or find a place to live or that books and textbooks cost money. I made do, with difficulties. So sure, I don't want my children to ever go through what I did and feel alone and scared and I want to help with things like a downpayment, BUT I also don't want them to be given so much so often they can't operate as independent people and understand the world financially. It's a pretty hard spot to find imo because I am tempted to give them too much and do too much for them to compensate for my own tough young adulthood.

Agreed. I think the only way to raise kids who are independent, strategic and appreciative is for parents to invest the time and effort with their kids. As babies, they need to feel loved, their needs met and they have to trust you. The secure attachment is a must. As they grow up...parents need to sit and teach them, go over the subjects taught in school, be invested in their education and pay attention to their emotional, social, physical, mental health.

Explain the value of money and how it can be used as a tool for good. My kids and I would watch Dave Ramsey, Suze Orman, Ramit Sethi etc and have discussions. The most important thing that they understood was to invest in relationships, family, health and education. If your kids value system is messed up, all the negativity - greed, envy, anger, entitlement and sloth - will show up in how they view money.

OP here.

No on Dave Ramsey and Suze Orman. They are terrible.

First time checking this thread in a couple of days. Not sure who was describing frugality when you become relatively high income and then got attacked for not buying Birkin bags (whatever that is) but that post was relatable. I did something similar — sweat equity, earned my stability. Had more luxuries as kids became teens and that is their more familiar point of reference.

But my cars are 2010 and 2016 (and paid for for years), my house payment is $2,600 a month. We had fully funded 529. Kid got scholarship for tuition so I use it for off campus housing and she gets a check twice of month for food and incidentals. VA 529 has never asked for a receipt. The haircut was a surprise and I am sure we would get dinged for that if audited. But wasting money on food deliver is still food delivery.

And none of this is really relevant. What you have is a boundaries/communication problem. You need to make clear to her how much is coming, when it will come, and that outside of [i]emergencies [/i there will not be any more, nor will there be advances. And then you stick to that.

There are multiple right ways to handle finances with college and ACs, but I think clear boundaries and communication are necessary for all of them.

No, I don't have a boundaries or communications problem. She knows where I stand. I think she just hopes I might bend. Yesterday she was lamenting how she doesn't have any money to go away for Spring Break and all her friends are going to Cabo. I said, well, maybe focus harder on finding a job this summer so you can save for that kind of thing next year. THIS year, you just returned from a month of study abroad, it won't kill you to come home for Spring Break. I imagine her fantasy was I'd say, "Ok, honey, here's $3,000 go to Cabo with your friends." To her credit, she didn't come right out and ask LOL.

Kids will keep pushing boundaries for as long as they believe they have a chance of changing your position. Hold firm, and eventually she'll stop trying.

[Anonymous]

OP I am not sure what is going on here. To me it seems like you think you have no issues but you do-- and they are yours to own. Your college girl seems completely normal with her spending. Not great but normal. She has a fully funded 529 and a scholarship! That is a great job. She is still learning and what she is doing to normal. How you responded to Cabo is good.

Now go ahead and tell that girl with a job to get off the payroll. She doesn't have a 529 or a scholarship. She has a job, which is great! With that comes responsibilities like saving for retirement, paying for your healthcare and your cellphone. What you are doing is paying her $200 "haircut" (or whatever it is) but you feel like you aren't paying for it because you think you are paying for what she needs instead.

[Anonymous]

We want our adult kids to have some financial help so that they can afford to get married and afford to have kids. We are doing it for having grandkids and enjoying them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just wonder when you accumulate so much money over time ... what's the money meant for?

To sit in bank accounts? To re-invest? To take vacations?

I don't mind giving money to my adult kids.

Why the double hockey sticks would I want them to suffer like I did at their age?

Should I buy a new handbag for myself or pay their rent for 6 months?

I remember asking my mom for 1K 30 years ago so that I could not get evicted. My mom said, "if you get evicted there's something wrong with you, not me, I have 1K and you do not"

My mom's elderly and in a home and I have her blocked on all platforms. Her home costs 12K a month. Not my problem

There is a middle ground. I had NO help as a young person, not that my parents couldn't help financially or were mean, but somehow it didn't even occur to them I might need to eat or find a place to live or that books and textbooks cost money. I made do, with difficulties. So sure, I don't want my children to ever go through what I did and feel alone and scared and I want to help with things like a downpayment, BUT I also don't want them to be given so much so often they can't operate as independent people and understand the world financially. It's a pretty hard spot to find imo because I am tempted to give them too much and do too much for them to compensate for my own tough young adulthood.

Agreed. I think the only way to raise kids who are independent, strategic and appreciative is for parents to invest the time and effort with their kids. As babies, they need to feel loved, their needs met and they have to trust you. The secure attachment is a must. As they grow up...parents need to sit and teach them, go over the subjects taught in school, be invested in their education and pay attention to their emotional, social, physical, mental health.

Explain the value of money and how it can be used as a tool for good. My kids and I would watch Dave Ramsey, Suze Orman, Ramit Sethi etc and have discussions. The most important thing that they understood was to invest in relationships, family, health and education. If your kids value system is messed up, all the negativity - greed, envy, anger, entitlement and sloth - will show up in how they view money.

OP here.

No on Dave Ramsey and Suze Orman. They are terrible.

First time checking this thread in a couple of days. Not sure who was describing frugality when you become relatively high income and then got attacked for not buying Birkin bags (whatever that is) but that post was relatable. I did something similar — sweat equity, earned my stability. Had more luxuries as kids became teens and that is their more familiar point of reference.

But my cars are 2010 and 2016 (and paid for for years), my house payment is $2,600 a month. We had fully funded 529. Kid got scholarship for tuition so I use it for off campus housing and she gets a check twice of month for food and incidentals. VA 529 has never asked for a receipt. The haircut was a surprise and I am sure we would get dinged for that if audited. But wasting money on food deliver is still food delivery.

And none of this is really relevant. What you have is a boundaries/communication problem. You need to make clear to her how much is coming, when it will come, and that outside of [i]emergencies [/i there will not be any more, nor will there be advances. And then you stick to that.

There are multiple right ways to handle finances with college and ACs, but I think clear boundaries and communication are necessary for all of them.

No, I don't have a boundaries or communications problem. She knows where I stand. I think she just hopes I might bend. Yesterday she was lamenting how she doesn't have any money to go away for Spring Break and all her friends are going to Cabo. I said, well, maybe focus harder on finding a job this summer so you can save for that kind of thing next year. THIS year, you just returned from a month of study abroad, it won't kill you to come home for Spring Break. I imagine her fantasy was I'd say, "Ok, honey, here's $3,000 go to Cabo with your friends." To her credit, she didn't come right out and ask LOL.

You’re doing it right. Keep saying “no” to early distributions, extra money, etc. Explain over and over that if she spends $ on X, she won’t have money for Y. Hold the line. I do agree that my friends who were in sororities had to spend a lot more on clothes than I did, because they went to more functions. Since she’s already in one, time to make a budget for the year. When she doesn’t follow it, you continue to hold the line.

I’d also lock her credit so she can’t get a credit card until graduation. Some kids rack up a ton of debt keeping up with wealthy peers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We want our adult kids to have some financial help so that they can afford to get married and afford to have kids. We are doing it for having grandkids and enjoying them.

Yes, I think the question for us is more
what to pay for to help your kid out while
helping them establish themselves and learn to not see parents as limitless funds. We will probably do health insurance until 26 (wasn’t an option when we were out of school!) and fund retirement accounts. Also, if our kids end up going into medicine, we would support them more financially through residency because residency is hell and poorly paid.

[Anonymous]

$200 for a haircut in college is not “normal”, OP. I’m 54 years old and employed and I don’t spend that much on a haircut. OP’s daughter is entitled and clueless. He is doing a hood job to let her be temporarily challenged until the next generous distribution of funds.

[Anonymous]

My kids who are in college are extremely frugal. But, every now and then they do something foolish and buy something which is very expensive...

I would absolutely admonish the kid for getting a $200 haircut, but more than that is not necessary. For a one off bad judgement regarding $200 - this is not too bad. They could have spent the money on getting prostitutes, visiting a strip club, drinking, gambling, doing drugs...