Getting your adult kids "off the payroll"

[Anonymous]

Your youngest isn't stupid. She thinks if she begs you will give in. If you don't give in, she will pace herself. It's not that she can't figure out how, it's that she doesn't want to do it.

[Anonymous]

No more talk, just action. The younger shouldn’t be asking you for sorority dues because she has a scholarship. Too bad so sad. Next, you will be on this board questioning why you are subsidizing her young adult apartment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am confused about 529 paying for haircuts and beauty things.

The way we do it with our two in college is we pay for tuition, meals and housing.

If something else is a true need they have an Amex for that purpose: books, ds's haircuts at campus barber, cough drops, gas to come home, things like tampons and pads for dd, a new charger...They are very good about not using it without asking if they need a larger item like for instance ds needing a new jacket.

For any "fun" spending, they have a $100/mo allowance. Dd is working on campus so she doesn't even need it and told us we don't need to give it to her, but we do for the sake of equity: DS has not found a job yet so he is perpetually up to $100, down to $65...He's been sending out resumes so hopefully he finds something. Having no fun money is a good motivation.

Me too. I didn't think 529s covered these kind of personal expenses.

Rent, food can be, not hair cuts..

Like there’s anyone left at the IRS to police this…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am confused about 529 paying for haircuts and beauty things.

The way we do it with our two in college is we pay for tuition, meals and housing.

If something else is a true need they have an Amex for that purpose: books, ds's haircuts at campus barber, cough drops, gas to come home, things like tampons and pads for dd, a new charger...They are very good about not using it without asking if they need a larger item like for instance ds needing a new jacket.

For any "fun" spending, they have a $100/mo allowance. Dd is working on campus so she doesn't even need it and told us we don't need to give it to her, but we do for the sake of equity: DS has not found a job yet so he is perpetually up to $100, down to $65...He's been sending out resumes so hopefully he finds something. Having no fun money is a good motivation.

Me too. I didn't think 529s covered these kind of personal expenses.

Rent, food can be, not hair cuts..

Like there’s anyone left at the IRS to police this…

im not sure they ever did

[Anonymous]

Someone created the little monsters. Just plan to work longer and cut out your own needs.
You were clearly turned off by all the spending by your partner. Why would your kids continue something that created the rift in your marriage. Clueless much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Anyone have any advice on helping adult children understand they won't be able to afford things their parents paid for when they were teenagers now that they're supposed to be launched? That they need to budget their own income and adjust their lifestyles accordingly and there won't be parental subsidies?

My own situation is complicated because I'm divorced. The ex-spouse who has the higher income (me) is more frugal. The lower-income ex-spouse is more free-spending. This was a contributing factor for the divorce, actually -- one spouse thought nothing of living beyond the family's means. After the divorce, the kids had parents living separately, modeling different financial habits.

Now as young adults, one child is officially launched. She takes after the frugal spouse. Rarely asks for money for extras. I happily pay for things like trips home, help with trips to see her grandparents in California, etc. I send the occasional gift and matched her own contributions to a Roth IRA. She's still on my cell phone on the family plan (that's more inertia) and I'm covering her health insurance as it's superior to what she could get with her own employer. That obviously will end when she turns 26 (by law).

The younger child is still in college. I pay for her sorority because she got a scholarship. She's also on the phone plan and health insurance (of course). She gets a 529 distribution twice a month for living expenses -- food, toiletries, etc. And the 529 also buys a meal plan on campus. She knows she needs to earn her own spending money during the summer for extras but has dragged her feet on that. No matter how many times I have told her she needs to budget the money she receives (and have tried to show her how to do this), this child thinks nothing of Uber Eats for take-out pretty regularly. She also casually spends on things like premium beauty products and just got herself a $200 haircut. These are the sorts of things the other parent does.

She just asked for another distribution a week before it's scheduled because she dropped $200 on a haircut... I.e., she isn't managing her money very well. She's also asking me to pay for Spring Break. She just got upset with me because I told her she'd have to wait until the 15th for her next distribution (she just got one a week ago). She has money on her university account so can eat meals on campus, that's not an issue. She just wants spending money going into the weekend, I think.

I know I need to have a come-to-Jesus (again) with the youngest. But I'm curious for those who've weaned their own adult children off the payroll, and those children are accustomed to certain upper middle class lifestyle habits (like $200 haircuts and premium makeup), how did you snap them to reality? I'm always willing to pay for the things my adult children NEED, but I'm unwilling to indulge everything they WANT.

Continue to hold the line. She can wait a week for her next distribution and she can use spring break to look for a summer job. It’s okay if she gets mad at you. That is normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids have always worked and they know not to come to me for frivolous purchases. I have boys through. If I had a girl I would probably give her extra. Being a woman is expensive.

OP here. There's also the equity issue. The older child is out of college, has a salary, but lives in a high cost of living area. Her rent for a small bedroom in an apartment is nearly as much as my mortgage. There is no monthly allowance from a 529 anymore. She makes it work.

The youngest is still in college. I'm taking care of her needs -- that's fine, she's still a dependent. But if I indulge in the "extras" then I feel like I need to give the older child "extras" too. Or, if the older child finds out her sister gets "extras" she might be hurt and resentful.

I guess I, too, am still trying to move past the childhood era when I tried to treat them equally.

I guess we'll see where we are in a couple of years when younger child graduates. That will be more of an apples-to-apples situation. I can just see their different financial habits and worry more about the younger one.

If you’re worried about financial habits, then you should teach her good financial habits. Maybe make her take a personal finance class? My kid did one that was online while he was in high school. Learned about how to invest and make money work for him, etc. That alone got him to stop wasting money on video games and start buying stocks.

[Anonymous]

I know a LOT of families where the older child was left to their own devices and the youngest daughter (always a daughter) was coddled.
In every single case the daughter ends up marrying a guy who took care of her 100%. Quitting her job or working very sporadically (like, selling crafts on etsy) even before kids. That looks great to the parents ("now we don't have to worry!") Until the marriage fails.
I really think you need to give her tough love and let her ride this out. She has to try and find a job. I worked some terrible jobs in college and some cushy ones. Because if you don't she will remain a princess and it will stop being cute sometime in her mid 30s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We lived below our means and so my kids do not have super expensive taste. We have given them a lot of financial leg-ups but they also know that we will pay for only things that we value.

We have lived in an inexpensive neighborhood, my kids have gone to public schools, DH has a horrible commute, we drive our cars until they die. But, we have also been able to afford many UMC things - yearly international vacation, bi-weekly cleaners, a 3000sqft SFH, tutors, expensive ECs etc.

When my kids made money (paid internship, merit scholarships for college) - we did not expect them to use it, instead we wanted them to save it in their Roth etc.

Here are the things we have paid for or will pay for -
- Every cost for college and grad school
- Each kid got a new sedan when they started college
- Travel, socializing, anything they wanted to buy in college - until they got a well-paying job.
- On our medical insurance until they turned 25
- Lived for free at home for as long as they want - no paying for rent, groceries, toiletries, medicine, utilities, use of vehicle etc. They only paid for their own gas, parking, car-insurance and social life. We told them that if they live with us permanently...they will have to chip in for some costs after they turn 35.
- Wedding
- Setting up first apartment after getting a job (Furniture, gadgets, appliances, bed, bath, kitchen and dining stuff)
- First work wardrobe
- Winter, hiking and sports gear, Luggage.
- Laptop, phone, headphones, smartwatch, other devices.
- 50K for down payment to their first house.

Once they start their job and are living separately from us - they pay for their own stuff (except what is listed above). We send them money gifts for birthdays and Christmas.

this is either a troll or the most tone-deaf clueless person on DCUM. you pay for all that and think you live frugally???

Yes.
Because if as parents you live frugally in your 20s, 30s, 40s - you are financially better off in your 50s and 60s, and can pay for your kids. The only debate is whether you want to make life easier for your kids or not.

- DH and I, paid off our college student debt within two years after graduating.
- We had a very simple wedding that our parents chipped in.
- We basically did not touch my earnings at all. Lived and saved on DH's earnings.
- We paid ourselves first.
- We mainly ate at home and cooked from scratch.
- Did not have kids for the first 5 years of our marriage because we were living in penurious conditions.
- Van-pooled and public transportation to work for first 6 years of working
- Bought a house at the bottom of the housing market, in an inexpensive neighborhood in MoCo, with poor public schools and with a long commute for DH.
- My kids did not go to private school. I tutored at home and they got a place in the magnet schools.
- I quit to become a SAHM and saved on childcare costs.
- My DH's traveled for work and that paid for our international travelling
- We had only 2 kids, no pets, and we drove old cars.
- My kids went to in-state public college with generous merit scholarships in lucrative STEM fields. We had saved money for their public college tuition.

Being frugal did not mean not being strategic. We did pay for cleaners and tutors, so that our energy could go towards supporting our kids. However, with cheap housing, no childcare cost, no debt and no private schools - we did not have major costs. Also, over the years, our HHI increased. Our retirement savings and investments compounded. We refinanced our house to the lowest interest rates. We are not a 30 - 40 yr old. We have been in the work place for a long time.

As a result -
- When it came time for my kids to go to college, since we did not pay tuition, we were in a position to pay for a car and living costs for them.
- Since they went close to home, we saved a bundle by letting them stay on our medical insurance, not paying for them to travel back home, being able to support them for material goods from home. They were raiding our costco stash instead of spending money at the commissary.
- Since it costs us pennies, we will always let them stay with us for free.

Now, please calculate what a new sedan, winter and sports gear, electronics devices, first professional wardrobe, first apartment set up will cost. I can guarantee that it will cost less than 4 years of private college. Or OOS public.

Paying for wedding, downpayment for house...these are the expenses that we can now afford to pay or not. We do have money set aside for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We lived below our means and so my kids do not have super expensive taste. We have given them a lot of financial leg-ups but they also know that we will pay for only things that we value.

We have lived in an inexpensive neighborhood, my kids have gone to public schools, DH has a horrible commute, we drive our cars until they die. But, we have also been able to afford many UMC things - yearly international vacation, bi-weekly cleaners, a 3000sqft SFH, tutors, expensive ECs etc.

When my kids made money (paid internship, merit scholarships for college) - we did not expect them to use it, instead we wanted them to save it in their Roth etc.

Here are the things we have paid for or will pay for -
- Every cost for college and grad school
- Each kid got a new sedan when they started college
- Travel, socializing, anything they wanted to buy in college - until they got a well-paying job.
- On our medical insurance until they turned 25
- Lived for free at home for as long as they want - no paying for rent, groceries, toiletries, medicine, utilities, use of vehicle etc. They only paid for their own gas, parking, car-insurance and social life. We told them that if they live with us permanently...they will have to chip in for some costs after they turn 35.
- Wedding
- Setting up first apartment after getting a job (Furniture, gadgets, appliances, bed, bath, kitchen and dining stuff)
- First work wardrobe
- Winter, hiking and sports gear, Luggage.
- Laptop, phone, headphones, smartwatch, other devices.
- 50K for down payment to their first house.

Once they start their job and are living separately from us - they pay for their own stuff (except what is listed above). We send them money gifts for birthdays and Christmas.

this is either a troll or the most tone-deaf clueless person on DCUM. you pay for all that and think you live frugally???

Yes.
Because if as parents you live frugally in your 20s, 30s, 40s - you are financially better off in your 50s and 60s, and can pay for your kids. The only debate is whether you want to make life easier for your kids or not.

- DH and I, paid off our college student debt within two years after graduating.
- We had a very simple wedding that our parents chipped in.
- We basically did not touch my earnings at all. Lived and saved on DH's earnings.
- We paid ourselves first.
- We mainly ate at home and cooked from scratch.
- Did not have kids for the first 5 years of our marriage because we were living in penurious conditions.
- Van-pooled and public transportation to work for first 6 years of working
- Bought a house at the bottom of the housing market, in an inexpensive neighborhood in MoCo, with poor public schools and with a long commute for DH.
- My kids did not go to private school. I tutored at home and they got a place in the magnet schools.
- I quit to become a SAHM and saved on childcare costs.
- My DH's traveled for work and that paid for our international travelling
- We had only 2 kids, no pets, and we drove old cars.
- My kids went to in-state public college with generous merit scholarships in lucrative STEM fields. We had saved money for their public college tuition.

Being frugal did not mean not being strategic. We did pay for cleaners and tutors, so that our energy could go towards supporting our kids. However, with cheap housing, no childcare cost, no debt and no private schools - we did not have major costs. Also, over the years, our HHI increased. Our retirement savings and investments compounded. We refinanced our house to the lowest interest rates. We are not a 30 - 40 yr old. We have been in the work place for a long time.

As a result -
- When it came time for my kids to go to college, since we did not pay tuition, we were in a position to pay for a car and living costs for them.
- Since they went close to home, we saved a bundle by letting them stay on our medical insurance, not paying for them to travel back home, being able to support them for material goods from home. They were raiding our costco stash instead of spending money at the commissary.
- Since it costs us pennies, we will always let them stay with us for free.

Now, please calculate what a new sedan, winter and sports gear, electronics devices, first professional wardrobe, first apartment set up will cost. I can guarantee that it will cost less than 4 years of private college. Or OOS public.

Paying for wedding, downpayment for house...these are the expenses that we can now afford to pay or not. We do have money set aside for that.

I love how living frugally on a high income is supposed to be some big accomplishment. Congrats I guess for not buying a Birkin? You are still tone deaf and think you accomplished a huge surprise. Guess what- its not that hard to save money when you make a lot. You just didnt fall for private school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We lived below our means and so my kids do not have super expensive taste. We have given them a lot of financial leg-ups but they also know that we will pay for only things that we value.

We have lived in an inexpensive neighborhood, my kids have gone to public schools, DH has a horrible commute, we drive our cars until they die. But, we have also been able to afford many UMC things - yearly international vacation, bi-weekly cleaners, a 3000sqft SFH, tutors, expensive ECs etc.

When my kids made money (paid internship, merit scholarships for college) - we did not expect them to use it, instead we wanted them to save it in their Roth etc.

Here are the things we have paid for or will pay for -
- Every cost for college and grad school
- Each kid got a new sedan when they started college
- Travel, socializing, anything they wanted to buy in college - until they got a well-paying job.
- On our medical insurance until they turned 25
- Lived for free at home for as long as they want - no paying for rent, groceries, toiletries, medicine, utilities, use of vehicle etc. They only paid for their own gas, parking, car-insurance and social life. We told them that if they live with us permanently...they will have to chip in for some costs after they turn 35.
- Wedding
- Setting up first apartment after getting a job (Furniture, gadgets, appliances, bed, bath, kitchen and dining stuff)
- First work wardrobe
- Winter, hiking and sports gear, Luggage.
- Laptop, phone, headphones, smartwatch, other devices.
- 50K for down payment to their first house.

Once they start their job and are living separately from us - they pay for their own stuff (except what is listed above). We send them money gifts for birthdays and Christmas.

this is either a troll or the most tone-deaf clueless person on DCUM. you pay for all that and think you live frugally???

Yes.
Because if as parents you live frugally in your 20s, 30s, 40s - you are financially better off in your 50s and 60s, and can pay for your kids. The only debate is whether you want to make life easier for your kids or not.

- DH and I, paid off our college student debt within two years after graduating.
- We had a very simple wedding that our parents chipped in.
- We basically did not touch my earnings at all. Lived and saved on DH's earnings.
- We paid ourselves first.
- We mainly ate at home and cooked from scratch.
- Did not have kids for the first 5 years of our marriage because we were living in penurious conditions.
- Van-pooled and public transportation to work for first 6 years of working
- Bought a house at the bottom of the housing market, in an inexpensive neighborhood in MoCo, with poor public schools and with a long commute for DH.
- My kids did not go to private school. I tutored at home and they got a place in the magnet schools.
- I quit to become a SAHM and saved on childcare costs.
- My DH's traveled for work and that paid for our international travelling
- We had only 2 kids, no pets, and we drove old cars.
- My kids went to in-state public college with generous merit scholarships in lucrative STEM fields. We had saved money for their public college tuition.

Being frugal did not mean not being strategic. We did pay for cleaners and tutors, so that our energy could go towards supporting our kids. However, with cheap housing, no childcare cost, no debt and no private schools - we did not have major costs. Also, over the years, our HHI increased. Our retirement savings and investments compounded. We refinanced our house to the lowest interest rates. We are not a 30 - 40 yr old. We have been in the work place for a long time.

As a result -
- When it came time for my kids to go to college, since we did not pay tuition, we were in a position to pay for a car and living costs for them.
- Since they went close to home, we saved a bundle by letting them stay on our medical insurance, not paying for them to travel back home, being able to support them for material goods from home. They were raiding our costco stash instead of spending money at the commissary.
- Since it costs us pennies, we will always let them stay with us for free.

Now, please calculate what a new sedan, winter and sports gear, electronics devices, first professional wardrobe, first apartment set up will cost. I can guarantee that it will cost less than 4 years of private college. Or OOS public.

Paying for wedding, downpayment for house...these are the expenses that we can now afford to pay or not. We do have money set aside for that.

I don't know what you present this as either or scenario. Many people live frugally, have kids in public in-state colleges AND do not enable spending and lack of independence the way you do. It's not a flex.

[Anonymous]

Open your mouth and say no.
The end.

[Anonymous]

I just wonder when you accumulate so much money over time ... what's the money meant for?

To sit in bank accounts? To re-invest? To take vacations?

I don't mind giving money to my adult kids.

Why the double hockey sticks would I want them to suffer like I did at their age?

Should I buy a new handbag for myself or pay their rent for 6 months?

I remember asking my mom for 1K 30 years ago so that I could not get evicted. My mom said, "if you get evicted there's something wrong with you, not me, I have 1K and you do not"

My mom's elderly and in a home and I have her blocked on all platforms. Her home costs 12K a month. Not my problem

[Anonymous]

Just have the come to jesus talk already. My mom used to tell me all the time that I probably wouldn't be able to afford the same lifestyle I had growing up as an adult. And they never gave me spending money after I was 16. I figured it out, and I have been able to maintain the same lifestyle after all. The key is setting expectations that you're not going to bankroll them. If they know they have to work and invest to live, they'll figure it out, or decide they are okay living a more low-key lifestyle.

[Anonymous]

Tell her no. It's not that difficult. She isn't learning how to budget because she doesn't have to. She knows you'll just give her more money.