Getting your adult kids "off the payroll"

[Anonymous]

We have two boys in college.

We pay tuition, room and meal plan, books, health care expenses. We buy them clothes, but not a ton. We pay for haircuts a few times a year.

Anything else, they need to pay. Pizza, meals out, toiletries, whatever.

[Anonymous]

OP your older one isn't officially launched. You are paying quite a few things for her and making excuses.

Your one in college is in college and not launched either.

You don't have clear rules, have exceptions for both and think this is complicated because you are divorced.

Either have rules or don't have them. But you are sending mixed messages and your girls are following your lead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP your older one isn't officially launched. You are paying quite a few things for her and making excuses.

Your one in college is in college and not launched either.

You don't have clear rules, have exceptions for both and think this is complicated because you are divorced.

Either have rules or don't have them. But you are sending mixed messages and your girls are following your lead.

Meh, she is paying for flights home and to other relatives; health insurance, and helping her with retirement. Those are ok, I think. The health insurance will end at 26. Get her off the cell plan if that's costing you money; if it's not, dont worry about it. DO not contribute to her Roth unless you have enough saved for your own retirement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids have always worked and they know not to come to me for frivolous purchases. I have boys through. If I had a girl I would probably give her extra. Being a woman is expensive.

OP here. There's also the equity issue. The older child is out of college, has a salary, but lives in a high cost of living area. Her rent for a small bedroom in an apartment is nearly as much as my mortgage. There is no monthly allowance from a 529 anymore. She makes it work.

The youngest is still in college. I'm taking care of her needs -- that's fine, she's still a dependent. But if I indulge in the "extras" then I feel like I need to give the older child "extras" too. Or, if the older child finds out her sister gets "extras" she might be hurt and resentful.

I guess I, too, am still trying to move past the childhood era when I tried to treat them equally.

I guess we'll see where we are in a couple of years when younger child graduates. That will be more of an apples-to-apples situation. I can just see their different financial habits and worry more about the younger one.

I’m kind of in the same boat with kids in different stages of adulting. With my youngest, who is in college, I require her to budget what I consider a generous allowance - Probably not DCUM generous but for us generous. But I recognize she’s learning. So I do work around with her - which ranges from forgiveness and do better to no and things in between like I’ll advance you some money but it will be tight for you for a couple of weeks. I also try to remember that I did a lot for my older kids and she deserves what I gave the others. And I try to remember that she’s not as mature and I can’t expect as much.

As for your older one, you are still majorly supporting her if youre doing her retirement contributions. She made the choice to live in a HCOL area that she can’t afford and you’re funding that for her so she’s not grown up either. It makes me think you’re
Being overly hard on the younger one. Like it’s forgivable to choose a lifestyle she can’t afford but a single bad choice about a haircut has you wanting to cut younger kid off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP your older one isn't officially launched. You are paying quite a few things for her and making excuses.

Your one in college is in college and not launched either.

You don't have clear rules, have exceptions for both and think this is complicated because you are divorced.

Either have rules or don't have them. But you are sending mixed messages and your girls are following your lead.

Meh, she is paying for flights home and to other relatives; health insurance, and helping her with retirement. Those are ok, I think. The health insurance will end at 26. Get her off the cell plan if that's costing you money; if it's not, dont worry about it. DO not contribute to her Roth unless you have enough saved for your own retirement.

Don't say she is launched if she is on your health care (has employer option), doesn't pay her on bills and pays for flights to home/relatives. The college girls got a $200 haircut. That is nothing compared to the "launched" one.

Enabling OP. One overt one covert.

[Anonymous]

You are easily contributing $200+/mo for your older DD. Don't fool yourself.

[Anonymous]

We lived below our means and so my kids do not have super expensive taste. We have given them a lot of financial leg-ups but they also know that we will pay for only things that we value.

We have lived in an inexpensive neighborhood, my kids have gone to public schools, DH has a horrible commute, we drive our cars until they die. But, we have also been able to afford many UMC things - yearly international vacation, bi-weekly cleaners, a 3000sqft SFH, tutors, expensive ECs etc.

When my kids made money (paid internship, merit scholarships for college) - we did not expect them to use it, instead we wanted them to save it in their Roth etc.

Here are the things we have paid for or will pay for -
- Every cost for college and grad school
- Each kid got a new sedan when they started college
- Travel, socializing, anything they wanted to buy in college - until they got a well-paying job.
- On our medical insurance until they turned 25
- Lived for free at home for as long as they want - no paying for rent, groceries, toiletries, medicine, utilities, use of vehicle etc. They only paid for their own gas, parking, car-insurance and social life. We told them that if they live with us permanently...they will have to chip in for some costs after they turn 35.
- Wedding
- Setting up first apartment after getting a job (Furniture, gadgets, appliances, bed, bath, kitchen and dining stuff)
- First work wardrobe
- Winter, hiking and sports gear, Luggage.
- Laptop, phone, headphones, smartwatch, other devices.
- 50K for down payment to their first house.

Once they start their job and are living separately from us - they pay for their own stuff (except what is listed above). We send them money gifts for birthdays and Christmas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP your older one isn't officially launched. You are paying quite a few things for her and making excuses.

Your one in college is in college and not launched either.

You don't have clear rules, have exceptions for both and think this is complicated because you are divorced.

Either have rules or don't have them. But you are sending mixed messages and your girls are following your lead.

Meh, she is paying for flights home and to other relatives; health insurance, and helping her with retirement. Those are ok, I think. The health insurance will end at 26. Get her off the cell plan if that's costing you money; if it's not, dont worry about it. DO not contribute to her Roth unless you have enough saved for your own retirement.

Don't say she is launched if she is on your health care (has employer option), doesn't pay her on bills and pays for flights to home/relatives. The college girls got a $200 haircut. That is nothing compared to the "launched" one.

Enabling OP. One overt one covert.

If its not much more, and his insurance is better, no reason not to pay insurance. I'd pay for flights home... not a big deal. $200 hair cuts, no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP your older one isn't officially launched. You are paying quite a few things for her and making excuses.

Your one in college is in college and not launched either.

You don't have clear rules, have exceptions for both and think this is complicated because you are divorced.

Either have rules or don't have them. But you are sending mixed messages and your girls are following your lead.

Meh, she is paying for flights home and to other relatives; health insurance, and helping her with retirement. Those are ok, I think. The health insurance will end at 26. Get her off the cell plan if that's costing you money; if it's not, dont worry about it. DO not contribute to her Roth unless you have enough saved for your own retirement.

Don't say she is launched if she is on your health care (has employer option), doesn't pay her on bills and pays for flights to home/relatives. The college girls got a $200 haircut. That is nothing compared to the "launched" one.

Enabling OP. One overt one covert.

If the older one gets cancer or into a bad accident, it's better to have good health insurance. Having good health insurance is more important than having one expensive haircut.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We lived below our means and so my kids do not have super expensive taste. We have given them a lot of financial leg-ups but they also know that we will pay for only things that we value.

We have lived in an inexpensive neighborhood, my kids have gone to public schools, DH has a horrible commute, we drive our cars until they die. But, we have also been able to afford many UMC things - yearly international vacation, bi-weekly cleaners, a 3000sqft SFH, tutors, expensive ECs etc.

When my kids made money (paid internship, merit scholarships for college) - we did not expect them to use it, instead we wanted them to save it in their Roth etc.

Here are the things we have paid for or will pay for -
- Every cost for college and grad school
- Each kid got a new sedan when they started college
- Travel, socializing, anything they wanted to buy in college - until they got a well-paying job.
- On our medical insurance until they turned 25
- Lived for free at home for as long as they want - no paying for rent, groceries, toiletries, medicine, utilities, use of vehicle etc. They only paid for their own gas, parking, car-insurance and social life. We told them that if they live with us permanently...they will have to chip in for some costs after they turn 35.
- Wedding
- Setting up first apartment after getting a job (Furniture, gadgets, appliances, bed, bath, kitchen and dining stuff)
- First work wardrobe
- Winter, hiking and sports gear, Luggage.
- Laptop, phone, headphones, smartwatch, other devices.
- 50K for down payment to their first house.

Once they start their job and are living separately from us - they pay for their own stuff (except what is listed above). We send them money gifts for birthdays and Christmas.

this is either a troll or the most tone-deaf clueless person on DCUM. you pay for all that and think you live frugally???

[Anonymous]

I agree the sorority may be the issue. Your relationships form your values. If your friends are shallow and heavily subsidized, then that is what you will conform to. A father who bucks that trend will inevitably be seen as mean and controlling. I don’t think there is much you can do about it, giemven that it is late in the day, and with the influence of the other parent. You just have to pay your money and suck if up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids have always worked and they know not to come to me for frivolous purchases. I have boys through. If I had a girl I would probably give her extra. Being a woman is expensive.

OP here. There's also the equity issue. The older child is out of college, has a salary, but lives in a high cost of living area. Her rent for a small bedroom in an apartment is nearly as much as my mortgage. There is no monthly allowance from a 529 anymore. She makes it work.

The youngest is still in college. I'm taking care of her needs -- that's fine, she's still a dependent. But if I indulge in the "extras" then I feel like I need to give the older child "extras" too. Or, if the older child finds out her sister gets "extras" she might be hurt and resentful.

I guess I, too, am still trying to move past the childhood era when I tried to treat them equally.

I guess we'll see where we are in a couple of years when younger child graduates. That will be more of an apples-to-apples situation. I can just see their different financial habits and worry more about the younger one.

I’m kind of in the same boat with kids in different stages of adulting. With my youngest, who is in college, I require her to budget what I consider a generous allowance - Probably not DCUM generous but for us generous. But I recognize she’s learning. So I do work around with her - which ranges from forgiveness and do better to no and things in between like I’ll advance you some money but it will be tight for you for a couple of weeks. I also try to remember that I did a lot for my older kids and she deserves what I gave the others. And I try to remember that she’s not as mature and I can’t expect as much.

As for your older one, you are still majorly supporting her if youre doing her retirement contributions. She made the choice to live in a HCOL area that she can’t afford and you’re funding that for her so she’s not grown up either. It makes me think you’re
Being overly hard on the younger one. Like it’s forgivable to choose a lifestyle she can’t afford but a single bad choice about a haircut has you wanting to cut younger kid off.

Agree!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We lived below our means and so my kids do not have super expensive taste. We have given them a lot of financial leg-ups but they also know that we will pay for only things that we value.

We have lived in an inexpensive neighborhood, my kids have gone to public schools, DH has a horrible commute, we drive our cars until they die. But, we have also been able to afford many UMC things - yearly international vacation, bi-weekly cleaners, a 3000sqft SFH, tutors, expensive ECs etc.

When my kids made money (paid internship, merit scholarships for college) - we did not expect them to use it, instead we wanted them to save it in their Roth etc.

Here are the things we have paid for or will pay for -
- Every cost for college and grad school
- Each kid got a new sedan when they started college
- Travel, socializing, anything they wanted to buy in college - until they got a well-paying job.
- On our medical insurance until they turned 25
- Lived for free at home for as long as they want - no paying for rent, groceries, toiletries, medicine, utilities, use of vehicle etc. They only paid for their own gas, parking, car-insurance and social life. We told them that if they live with us permanently...they will have to chip in for some costs after they turn 35.
- Wedding
- Setting up first apartment after getting a job (Furniture, gadgets, appliances, bed, bath, kitchen and dining stuff)
- First work wardrobe
- Winter, hiking and sports gear, Luggage.
- Laptop, phone, headphones, smartwatch, other devices.
- 50K for down payment to their first house.

Once they start their job and are living separately from us - they pay for their own stuff (except what is listed above). We send them money gifts for birthdays and Christmas.

That’s upper class, not upper middle class. Be real.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am confused about 529 paying for haircuts and beauty things.

The way we do it with our two in college is we pay for tuition, meals and housing.

If something else is a true need they have an Amex for that purpose: books, ds's haircuts at campus barber, cough drops, gas to come home, things like tampons and pads for dd, a new charger...They are very good about not using it without asking if they need a larger item like for instance ds needing a new jacket.

For any "fun" spending, they have a $100/mo allowance. Dd is working on campus so she doesn't even need it and told us we don't need to give it to her, but we do for the sake of equity: DS has not found a job yet so he is perpetually up to $100, down to $65...He's been sending out resumes so hopefully he finds something. Having no fun money is a good motivation.

Me too. I didn't think 529s covered these kind of personal expenses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am confused about 529 paying for haircuts and beauty things.

The way we do it with our two in college is we pay for tuition, meals and housing.

If something else is a true need they have an Amex for that purpose: books, ds's haircuts at campus barber, cough drops, gas to come home, things like tampons and pads for dd, a new charger...They are very good about not using it without asking if they need a larger item like for instance ds needing a new jacket.

For any "fun" spending, they have a $100/mo allowance. Dd is working on campus so she doesn't even need it and told us we don't need to give it to her, but we do for the sake of equity: DS has not found a job yet so he is perpetually up to $100, down to $65...He's been sending out resumes so hopefully he finds something. Having no fun money is a good motivation.

Me too. I didn't think 529s covered these kind of personal expenses.

Rent, food can be, not hair cuts..