Are all the good men really taken by early thirties?

[Anonymous]

The men who want to be married are typically married by their early 30s. Whether this makes them "good" is very questionable IMO, but it's true that the men who are left unmarried are typically worse in every respect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It happens with women, too!

Yeah, I don't know why this would be restricted to guys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Extremely hard to vet a guy as a father when he's in his mid-20s. So it's a risk marrying someone then and delaying kids "while they mature." This is a recipe for spending 5-8 years with a man you are waiting to grow the heck up, and freaking out as you near 35 and still haven't had kids yet.

I've known women who did this and were divorced by 30 and in the exact same boat.

Another thing I've seen: men who marry in their 20s, don't grow up, wives divorce them in their mid-30s, then they freak out and realize they might end up along if they dont' shape up, wind up married with a kid within a couple years. And the kicker is that most of these men appear to be pretty doting husbands and fathers, because they know what went wrong with their first marriage and are working hard to avoid it so they don't wind up alone.

So the woman who married them early wound up teaching them major lessons about maturity, but then some other woman reaps the benefits. Sigh.

I disagree with this, because you always have the most valuable data point at any age: what is his father like?

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't say all good men are taken by their 30s, but if they're single in their 40s and 50s there's usually a good reason for that.

My experience is that widowed men tend to find new partners rather quickly.

My observation has also been that lately men of my demographic are so problematic that I've just decided to remain single for the rest of my life. Being single is only bad if you don't want to be, and at this point it's just too much work to get used to trying to incorporate someone back into my life again. I can't picture it anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not all, but most. There are some that will get out of starter marriages but if they had kids in in those marriages then you're signing up for the blended family show (before you come for me I grew up in one).

I finished med school at 30 and did not want to get married before then. I can confidently say that once I was in the working world and a busy attending, I was astonished at how fast the quality of men dropped. I remember going out on an online date at 32 (ugh, I was so young) and having the guy tell me, on the date, that he had five children with his STBXW and also that he had been "robbed online" before our date and could I pay for dinner.

I'm sure there are hopeful stories out there but I talk with my DD about the timing of education/career goals/marriage, and if she wants to accomplish certain things about the importance of how she dates in her 20's. I don't want her married young. But the cute bartender with 8 tats and no goals isn't going to be the guy (unless he's tending bar at night and going to grad school during the day). It's harsh, and I know it sounds anti-feminist. But women have about ten years starting at age 20 to make decisions that will set the course of their lives re: finances, marriage, career, and children. Some strategy is required, unromantic as it may sound.

This is an excellent point. I wish I had someone to offer me this insight before I married the wrong person at twenty-two.

[Anonymous]

Yes. anyone saying othereise has zero idea about supply and demand.

[Anonymous]

It’s a tale as old as time. Women offer youth, beauty, and fertility; men offer financial stability and looks. Both genders have used marriage to advance their financial and social goals since humans first existed. It’s wonderful that marriage now comes out of love (rather than families aligning their interests through arranged marriages) and women can be financially independent outside of marriage, but women who spend their 20s and 30s advancing their careers may find it difficult to find a husband when they’re ready to get married. Conversely, those that get married and start having babies at 25 may find that having a big career is an uphill battle. Some women can have it all, but most of us had to make choices along the way. Just be clear-eyed about the choices you’re making.

[Anonymous]

Hard no.

[Anonymous]

The trouble is "good" isn't good enough.

Men can be "good" and be lazy, unambitious or boring. This describes a lot of men and tonnes of women end up shackled to them.

Men can be sh*tty and sexy. The sheen quickly wears off these guys.

Men can be "sh*tty" and lazy, unambitious or boring. This is the biggest population. They are nobodies though occasionally they can nab a woman with low self-esteem.

Men can be good and sexy, but that is extremely rare, no matter the age. Obviously those guys get swept up fast and have a lot of options.

[Anonymous]

Yes, for the most part. In my experience, men who truly value marriage and family make it happen by early 30s because they are dating with intention to get married once they finish college and/or grad school. Lots of the guys I went to law school with married the women they met during law school or immediately after law school. I met and married my husband in my late 20s (snapped him up after he was dumped by a woman who decided she wasn't interested in marriage and kids yet).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems like once you enter mid to late thirties it’s slim pickings. All the responsible good quality men are already married, snagged by smart women in their twenties!

Sure some men are taken, but TBD if they’re “good men”, whatever that means.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The trouble is "good" isn't good enough.

Men can be "good" and be lazy, unambitious or boring. This describes a lot of men and tonnes of women end up shackled to them.

Men can be sh*tty and sexy. The sheen quickly wears off these guys.

Men can be "sh*tty" and lazy, unambitious or boring. This is the biggest population. They are nobodies though occasionally they can nab a woman with low self-esteem.

Men can be good and sexy, but that is extremely rare, no matter the age. Obviously those guys get swept up fast and have a lot of options.

Agree with all of the above

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't say all good men are taken by their 30s, but if they're single in their 40s and 50s there's usually a good reason for that.

My experience is that widowed men tend to find new partners rather quickly.

My observation has also been that lately men of my demographic are so problematic that I've just decided to remain single for the rest of my life. Being single is only bad if you don't want to be, and at this point it's just too much work to get used to trying to incorporate someone back into my life again. I can't picture it anymore.

I think widowed men and women under the age of 50 both tend to find new partners pretty quickly if they want to. I think a lot of people still judge or view never-married parents or divorced parents with some suspicion in the dating market, while widows and widowers are not judged the same way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not all, but most. There are some that will get out of starter marriages but if they had kids in in those marriages then you're signing up for the blended family show (before you come for me I grew up in one).

I finished med school at 30 and did not want to get married before then. I can confidently say that once I was in the working world and a busy attending, I was astonished at how fast the quality of men dropped. I remember going out on an online date at 32 (ugh, I was so young) and having the guy tell me, on the date, that he had five children with his STBXW and also that he had been "robbed online" before our date and could I pay for dinner.

I'm sure there are hopeful stories out there but I talk with my DD about the timing of education/career goals/marriage, and if she wants to accomplish certain things about the importance of how she dates in her 20's. I don't want her married young. But the cute bartender with 8 tats and no goals isn't going to be the guy (unless he's tending bar at night and going to grad school during the day). It's harsh, and I know it sounds anti-feminist. But women have about ten years starting at age 20 to make decisions that will set the course of their lives re: finances, marriage, career, and children. Some strategy is required, unromantic as it may sound.

"Marriage is a contract, Veronica. Not a perpetual tryst."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Extremely hard to vet a guy as a father when he's in his mid-20s. So it's a risk marrying someone then and delaying kids "while they mature." This is a recipe for spending 5-8 years with a man you are waiting to grow the heck up, and freaking out as you near 35 and still haven't had kids yet.

I've known women who did this and were divorced by 30 and in the exact same boat.

Another thing I've seen: men who marry in their 20s, don't grow up, wives divorce them in their mid-30s, then they freak out and realize they might end up along if they dont' shape up, wind up married with a kid within a couple years. And the kicker is that most of these men appear to be pretty doting husbands and fathers, because they know what went wrong with their first marriage and are working hard to avoid it so they don't wind up alone.

So the woman who married them early wound up teaching them major lessons about maturity, but then some other woman reaps the benefits. Sigh.

I disagree with this, because you always have the most valuable data point at any age: what is his father like?

Dad was a “nice guy” who did nothing at home.