Are all the good men really taken by early thirties?

[Anonymous]

I met my STBX while in med school at age 28. The quality of men was already going down. We didn’t marry for a while and I had thoughts in my early 30s about going down a different path, but he was honestly the best of some really bad options.

In hindsight, I would tell myself and anyone I know that if you are on the market at 29/30 and want kids, it’s better to double down on your career and by a single mom by choice.

The truly good guys had things wrapped up and were tied down by 25/26.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It happens with women, too!

Yes, but at an earlier age (mid to late 20s).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The trouble is "good" isn't good enough.

Men can be "good" and be lazy, unambitious or boring. This describes a lot of men and tonnes of women end up shackled to them.

Men can be sh*tty and sexy. The sheen quickly wears off these guys.

Men can be "sh*tty" and lazy, unambitious or boring. This is the biggest population. They are nobodies though occasionally they can nab a woman with low self-esteem.

Men can be good and sexy, but that is extremely rare, no matter the age. Obviously those guys get swept up fast and have a lot of options.

This was me. To expand on this, what I advise young women today in the modern western world is, spend your early and mid-twenties focusing on college and career and become self-sufficient by mid to late twenties. Then choose to become a single mom by 30, with a guy who has whatever traits you might want in your potential kids (attractiveness, intelligence, morals, whatever). That might be the tatted up bartender a PP mentioned, or a neurosurgeon or anything in between. Once you have a kid or kids, you then have decades to find your "soulmate", there is no rush because you already have kids, and if you find a soulmate great, if not you can invest your time and energy into your family. There is no law saying the father of your kids has to be your husband, your soulmate--it's just convention. A convention that no longer makes sense in a world where women are outpacing men at every turn and fewer men make the cut.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The trouble is "good" isn't good enough.

Men can be "good" and be lazy, unambitious or boring. This describes a lot of men and tonnes of women end up shackled to them.

Men can be sh*tty and sexy. The sheen quickly wears off these guys.

Men can be "sh*tty" and lazy, unambitious or boring. This is the biggest population. They are nobodies though occasionally they can nab a woman with low self-esteem.

Men can be good and sexy, but that is extremely rare, no matter the age. Obviously those guys get swept up fast and have a lot of options.

This was me. To expand on this, what I advise young women today in the modern western world is, spend your early and mid-twenties focusing on college and career and become self-sufficient by mid to late twenties. Then choose to become a single mom by 30, with a guy who has whatever traits you might want in your potential kids (attractiveness, intelligence, morals, whatever). That might be the tatted up bartender a PP mentioned, or a neurosurgeon or anything in between. Once you have a kid or kids, you then have decades to find your "soulmate", there is no rush because you already have kids, and if you find a soulmate great, if not you can invest your time and energy into your family. There is no law saying the father of your kids has to be your husband, your soulmate--it's just convention. A convention that no longer makes sense in a world where women are outpacing men at every turn and fewer men make the cut.

This is a wonderful guide for dying alone.

[Anonymous]

There a lot of people in New England/Boston that are increasingly single at 35-40+

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The trouble is "good" isn't good enough.

Men can be "good" and be lazy, unambitious or boring. This describes a lot of men and tonnes of women end up shackled to them.

Men can be sh*tty and sexy. The sheen quickly wears off these guys.

Men can be "sh*tty" and lazy, unambitious or boring. This is the biggest population. They are nobodies though occasionally they can nab a woman with low self-esteem.

Men can be good and sexy, but that is extremely rare, no matter the age. Obviously those guys get swept up fast and have a lot of options.

This was me. To expand on this, what I advise young women today in the modern western world is, spend your early and mid-twenties focusing on college and career and become self-sufficient by mid to late twenties. Then choose to become a single mom by 30, with a guy who has whatever traits you might want in your potential kids (attractiveness, intelligence, morals, whatever). That might be the tatted up bartender a PP mentioned, or a neurosurgeon or anything in between. Once you have a kid or kids, you then have decades to find your "soulmate", there is no rush because you already have kids, and if you find a soulmate great, if not you can invest your time and energy into your family. There is no law saying the father of your kids has to be your husband, your soulmate--it's just convention. A convention that no longer makes sense in a world where women are outpacing men at every turn and fewer men make the cut.

Precisely this. The better option is to go the donor route and select the sex for female and eliminate the male involvement altogether. Once you have your daughter(s) and friends, I bet you find you won’t want anything else.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think there are hard and fast, general truths about any of this stuff. I have plenty of friends who met their guys north of 30. I have older female friends who remarried in their 50s after divorce. If they read dcum and took it to to heart, they would’ve believed that none of this was possible, and become discouraged.

Nonetheless, I do recommend d that if women want a partner, they date a lot in their 20s. But without panic or desperation. Geez.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The trouble is "good" isn't good enough.

Men can be "good" and be lazy, unambitious or boring. This describes a lot of men and tonnes of women end up shackled to them.

Men can be sh*tty and sexy. The sheen quickly wears off these guys.

Men can be "sh*tty" and lazy, unambitious or boring. This is the biggest population. They are nobodies though occasionally they can nab a woman with low self-esteem.

Men can be good and sexy, but that is extremely rare, no matter the age. Obviously those guys get swept up fast and have a lot of options.

This was me. To expand on this, what I advise young women today in the modern western world is, spend your early and mid-twenties focusing on college and career and become self-sufficient by mid to late twenties. Then choose to become a single mom by 30, with a guy who has whatever traits you might want in your potential kids (attractiveness, intelligence, morals, whatever). That might be the tatted up bartender a PP mentioned, or a neurosurgeon or anything in between. Once you have a kid or kids, you then have decades to find your "soulmate", there is no rush because you already have kids, and if you find a soulmate great, if not you can invest your time and energy into your family. There is no law saying the father of your kids has to be your husband, your soulmate--it's just convention. A convention that no longer makes sense in a world where women are outpacing men at every turn and fewer men make the cut.

This is a wonderful guide for dying alone.

What's the catch?

I'm only half kidding. When you take into the odds wives usually outlive their husbands and the odds your lifelong do-nothing dh of 40 years is going to miraculously step up and care for you at the end, I'll take my chances on being a single mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not all, but most. There are some that will get out of starter marriages but if they had kids in in those marriages then you're signing up for the blended family show (before you come for me I grew up in one).

I finished med school at 30 and did not want to get married before then. I can confidently say that once I was in the working world and a busy attending, I was astonished at how fast the quality of men dropped. I remember going out on an online date at 32 (ugh, I was so young) and having the guy tell me, on the date, that he had five children with his STBXW and also that he had been "robbed online" before our date and could I pay for dinner.

I'm sure there are hopeful stories out there but I talk with my DD about the timing of education/career goals/marriage, and if she wants to accomplish certain things about the importance of how she dates in her 20's. I don't want her married young. But the cute bartender with 8 tats and no goals isn't going to be the guy (unless he's tending bar at night and going to grad school during the day). It's harsh, and I know it sounds anti-feminist. But women have about ten years starting at age 20 to make decisions that will set the course of their lives re: finances, marriage, career, and children. Some strategy is required, unromantic as it may sound.

This is an excellent point. I wish I had someone to offer me this insight before I married the wrong person at twenty-two.

Impossible! You married young ant that guarantees a good husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I met my STBX while in med school at age 28. The quality of men was already going down. We didn’t marry for a while and I had thoughts in my early 30s about going down a different path, but he was honestly the best of some really bad options.

In hindsight, I would tell myself and anyone I know that if you are on the market at 29/30 and want kids, it’s better to double down on your career and by a single mom by choice.

The truly good guys had things wrapped up and were tied down by 25/26.

Do not take marital advice from someone who is divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I met my STBX while in med school at age 28. The quality of men was already going down. We didn’t marry for a while and I had thoughts in my early 30s about going down a different path, but he was honestly the best of some really bad options.

In hindsight, I would tell myself and anyone I know that if you are on the market at 29/30 and want kids, it’s better to double down on your career and by a single mom by choice.

The truly good guys had things wrapped up and were tied down by 25/26.

I met my STBX at age 26 shortly after graduating law school and while working at a big law firm. I completely agree with you. Marrying was a huge mistake. I had so much going for me that this horrible man systematically pried from my fingers by simply refusing to do his share with the children and letting me get burnt out. I hope he burns in hell, but I advise any woman who has achieved a nice career for herself to understand that she is in the promised land.

For millennia, women married because that was the way to feed themselves and because they were traded like property. Now, we don't have to deal with men in order to survive and thrive anymore. Resist the propaganda about two-parent families. Most married families still have just one parent: the mom and the father is an appendage at best.

If you're able to achieve and feed yourself well, don't add some man to the mix.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The trouble is "good" isn't good enough.

Men can be "good" and be lazy, unambitious or boring. This describes a lot of men and tonnes of women end up shackled to them.

Men can be sh*tty and sexy. The sheen quickly wears off these guys.

Men can be "sh*tty" and lazy, unambitious or boring. This is the biggest population. They are nobodies though occasionally they can nab a woman with low self-esteem.

Men can be good and sexy, but that is extremely rare, no matter the age. Obviously those guys get swept up fast and have a lot of options.

This was me. To expand on this, what I advise young women today in the modern western world is, spend your early and mid-twenties focusing on college and career and become self-sufficient by mid to late twenties. Then choose to become a single mom by 30, with a guy who has whatever traits you might want in your potential kids (attractiveness, intelligence, morals, whatever). That might be the tatted up bartender a PP mentioned, or a neurosurgeon or anything in between. Once you have a kid or kids, you then have decades to find your "soulmate", there is no rush because you already have kids, and if you find a soulmate great, if not you can invest your time and energy into your family. There is no law saying the father of your kids has to be your husband, your soulmate--it's just convention. A convention that no longer makes sense in a world where women are outpacing men at every turn and fewer men make the cut.

This is a wonderful guide for dying alone.

What's the catch?

I'm only half kidding. When you take into the odds wives usually outlive their husbands and the odds your lifelong do-nothing dh of 40 years is going to miraculously step up and care for you at the end, I'll take my chances on being a single mom.

Exactly. Men leave sick wives at very high rates. The ones who stay typically still don't help care for their wives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The trouble is "good" isn't good enough.

Men can be "good" and be lazy, unambitious or boring. This describes a lot of men and tonnes of women end up shackled to them.

Men can be sh*tty and sexy. The sheen quickly wears off these guys.

Men can be "sh*tty" and lazy, unambitious or boring. This is the biggest population. They are nobodies though occasionally they can nab a woman with low self-esteem.

Men can be good and sexy, but that is extremely rare, no matter the age. Obviously those guys get swept up fast and have a lot of options.

This was me. To expand on this, what I advise young women today in the modern western world is, spend your early and mid-twenties focusing on college and career and become self-sufficient by mid to late twenties. Then choose to become a single mom by 30, with a guy who has whatever traits you might want in your potential kids (attractiveness, intelligence, morals, whatever). That might be the tatted up bartender a PP mentioned, or a neurosurgeon or anything in between. Once you have a kid or kids, you then have decades to find your "soulmate", there is no rush because you already have kids, and if you find a soulmate great, if not you can invest your time and energy into your family. There is no law saying the father of your kids has to be your husband, your soulmate--it's just convention. A convention that no longer makes sense in a world where women are outpacing men at every turn and fewer men make the cut.

Precisely this. The better option is to go the donor route and select the sex for female and eliminate the male involvement altogether. Once you have your daughter(s) and friends, I bet you find you won’t want anything else.

No joke. If I could redo my life, I'd have done this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The trouble is "good" isn't good enough.

Men can be "good" and be lazy, unambitious or boring. This describes a lot of men and tonnes of women end up shackled to them.

Men can be sh*tty and sexy. The sheen quickly wears off these guys.

Men can be "sh*tty" and lazy, unambitious or boring. This is the biggest population. They are nobodies though occasionally they can nab a woman with low self-esteem.

Men can be good and sexy, but that is extremely rare, no matter the age. Obviously those guys get swept up fast and have a lot of options.

This was me. To expand on this, what I advise young women today in the modern western world is, spend your early and mid-twenties focusing on college and career and become self-sufficient by mid to late twenties. Then choose to become a single mom by 30, with a guy who has whatever traits you might want in your potential kids (attractiveness, intelligence, morals, whatever). That might be the tatted up bartender a PP mentioned, or a neurosurgeon or anything in between. Once you have a kid or kids, you then have decades to find your "soulmate", there is no rush because you already have kids, and if you find a soulmate great, if not you can invest your time and energy into your family. There is no law saying the father of your kids has to be your husband, your soulmate--it's just convention. A convention that no longer makes sense in a world where women are outpacing men at every turn and fewer men make the cut.

100% what I wish I had been told before I let my idiot DH steal my promise and diminish my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I met my STBX while in med school at age 28. The quality of men was already going down. We didn’t marry for a while and I had thoughts in my early 30s about going down a different path, but he was honestly the best of some really bad options.

In hindsight, I would tell myself and anyone I know that if you are on the market at 29/30 and want kids, it’s better to double down on your career and by a single mom by choice.

The truly good guys had things wrapped up and were tied down by 25/26.

I met my STBX at age 26 shortly after graduating law school and while working at a big law firm. I completely agree with you. Marrying was a huge mistake. I had so much going for me that this horrible man systematically pried from my fingers by simply refusing to do his share with the children and letting me get burnt out. I hope he burns in hell, but I advise any woman who has achieved a nice career for herself to understand that she is in the promised land.

For millennia, women married because that was the way to feed themselves and because they were traded like property. Now, we don't have to deal with men in order to survive and thrive anymore. Resist the propaganda about two-parent families. Most married families still have just one parent: the mom and the father is an appendage at best.

If you're able to achieve and feed yourself well, don't add some man to the mix.

This is so much easier to accept in your 40s than in your 20s and 30s when you are going to all your friends’ weddings and baby showers every weekend. We are all socialized to idealize getting married and having babies and no one idealizes being single and having a great career and a great life— even though in my own life I have seen the latter more than the former.