There's no point in asking your partner to change
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Anonymous
They sound quite immature and under-developed if that’s how they handle someone voicing a concern at home. |
Anonymous
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Personality doesn’t change. Habits can change.
Is disrespect and bean counting part of his personality or just a habit? Therapy can help. |
Anonymous
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I think that you can definitely ask your partner to change.
What you can't do is micromanage how they change, or expect them to do everything your way. The kinds of requests PPs have mentioned are reasonable, normal, and part of healthy relationships. Sounds like from the comments you've made, OP, that your partner is hyper sensitive to anything that even might be critical. Either that, or you are really bad at using "I" statements and communicating your requests without judgement (I am too!). Or both. But what you've stated isn't how everyone is. |
Anonymous
It's called compromise. And reason. Somehow in almost 20 years we haven't had issues with this. If I tell him something is bothering me, per your original post, he won't get angry with me. So your problems begin long before you have to decide if something is reasonable or not. Perhaps try therapy. |
Anonymous
Every one of these requests are reasonable. If you find them terrifying (seriously?) then you are likely in an abusive relationship and should get out. |
Anonymous
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I think people can grow and change if they are internally motivated.
People also create destructive narratives about their partner, maybe when preparing to leave a relationship. I've been with a partner who hated me, and near the end of the relationship, everything I did or didn't do fed into this narrative they had about me that wasn't true, but it was what they wanted to believe, perhaps to allow themselves to leave me. The way they described me was (i) very critical and negative, and (ii) false. I know this because outside of those very heavy relationships, I was a light, happy person with self-esteem who laughed with friends and enjoyed sex. In it, I was the cause of everything wrong with his life. It got to the point where I felt I couldn't turn things around, and I mentally couldn't carry the weight of remaining in the relationship any longer. So, that is a long way of saying that sometimes the things you hate about someone aren't real, they are the reasons your mind created to justify something you want that isn't them. |
Anonymous
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i think this is true for most people.
my husband has picked up a few very annoying (to me) habits over the last couple years. i have told him that it bothers me. he argues with me why it should not be annoying to me and continues to do them. it has gotten to the point where i would prefer not to ride in the car with him ... ever. |
Anonymous
Yes. If you pick a bad partner or yourself can't be a good partner or both. |
Anonymous
Pp here. A fight? We've literally never fought over any of this stuff. It's a simple "hey, when you're done with the vacuum cleaner can you please just put it away instead of leaving it where it was used?" (Actual quote). And then "yeah ..sorry. ". And then guess what? Next time I vacuumed I put it away! DH is the same. If I ask him to not to something /do something....he does! I have no idea why you would assume any of these would lead to fights or disagreements. |
Anonymous
Yea thinking of it from the POV of the requesting spouse, asking for that would either get a dirty look or an, oh sure, but then nothing would change. So it makes more sense to just either tolerate the vaccuum being out or put it away myself. There's no point in asking someone to do something that they don't already do on their own. |
Anonymous
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Generally agree. Excerpt from an old article, the sentiments still ring true:
Keys to Happier Marriage Include Not Demanding Change From Your Spouse, Psychologists Say In marriages, people are unlikely to change no matter how much their spouses demand it, says Andrew Christensen, professor of psychology at UCLA, whose new book on reducing marital conflict is being published this week. "People cannot change their basic essence even if they try, and it is futile to demand that they do so," said Christensen, who for more than 20 years has worked with hundreds of couples in therapy. "To love and marry someone, you must accept the essence of the other person; you must accept who he or she is. You can push for change at the periphery, but not at the core. Marriage is a package deal; you don't get a line-item veto over your partner's personality where you can discard the traits you don't like." All couples have conflicts, says Christensen, co-author of "Reconcilable Differences" (Guilford Press), a book that helps couples learn how to recover from arguments more quickly, reduce the number of arguments, and minimize the anger and resentment that often accompany arguments. His co-author is Neil S. Jacobson, who was professor of psychology at the University of Washington until his death last year. One study by psychologists found that "incompatibility is a mathematical certainty," although early in relationships, we may not see, or pay attention to, important differences. When the differences become clear, we often have the "fantasy" that we can make our partner change. "We want our partner to admit we are right and to make the changes we say are necessary," Christensen said. "We think a transformation will take place in our partner's behavior and attitude, and we even may expect to be thanked for pointing out the other person's deficiencies. Most of our efforts toward change in our partners are driven by this fantasy, and most of these efforts are unsuccessful. Eliciting change from your spouse without demonstrating acceptance of his or her position is difficult, and often impossible." A solution, say Christensen and Jacobson, is to be more accepting and to see our spouse's shortcomings as "endearing, or at least easily forgivable." The best solutions to most problems, they say, involve a combination of acceptance and change. Crimes of the heart are usually misdemeanors. "The crimes of the heart are usually misdemeanors, even though they sometimes feel like felonies," Christensen said. Couples fight about all kinds of things, but most common are "daily slights, inattentive acts, and routine disrespects that hurt and anger us," Christensen said. For example, he shows little interest when she talks about her day. "Most of the change we seek in our relationships is gradual change in everyday behavior," Christensen said. "Do more of the housework; spend more time with the kids; don't be so critical; pay more attention when I talk to you; be more ambitious at work; put more energy into our relationship." We may grow to dislike in our spouses the very personality traits that attracted us in the first place, Christensen and Jacobson say. "It's great, for example, to have a responsible husband who takes care of business, is punctual, neat and orderly," Christensen said. "You never have to wait for him, pick up after him, do his chores, or worry whether he'll pick up the kids on time. If he says he will do it, you know he will. But often such husbands may be rigid about following rules and inflexible. The 'tight ship' they run is rarely a pleasure cruise." The way we can be annoyed by the same traits that initially attracted us is illustrated in a "Cathy" cartoon in which Cathy's mother says to her: "When you met Irving, you raved about his ambition. . When you broke up, you called him a 'self-absorbed workaholic.' When you met Alex, you gushed about his free spirit. . When you broke up, he was 'directionless and immature.'" https://newsroom.ucla.edu/releases/Keys-to-Happier-Marriage-Include-652 |
Anonymous
This. If the willingness is there, people can change. Some core traits can be mitigated but not changed, and if there’s no willingness to change or compromise, then there’s no hope. Speaking from experience of my exDH and current boyfriend. ExDH may have been on the spectrum or just extremely rigid and arrogant. No change or willingness to compromise, hence why we are divorced. Boyfriend has his own quirks (ADHD) but eager to please me and open to feedback, and has made immense strides in 2 years. I am open to change because I also want to please my partners. |
Anonymous
Maybe this comes from being an absolutely frantic people pleaser, but it should be pretty obvious how to please one's partner without them having to call you out on things, right? Like, going with the previous vacuum example, obviously no one would like it if their partner left a vacuum out or cabinets hanging open. Why should someone need to be asked to make that change? So I would assume if they're not doing that, they don't care that I don't like it. |
Anonymous
Pp here. Ah, that's not our marriage. We've both been on both ends and there have never been any dirty looks. We both grew up in pretty volatile households and did a lot of work (before we met) on communicating, not being a people pleaser, being able to speak up for ourselves, etc. It's almost weird that we found each other and had done the same type of work so we communicate with each other the same type of way. In the 18 years we've been together there has never been a mean word said between us or a raised voice. Even our disagreements are few and far between. |
Anonymous
It doesn't have to be a fight. The love and respect is what moderates the response to the request- why would you get angry at someone you love about a cabinet door? Ignoring it because you love them AND are afraid they are going to fight with you is the actual problem. |