There's no point in asking your partner to change

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For big things or things that are part of who they are, I agree. For small things, if there is love and respect there, they will make the changes. DH and I both had habits that bothered the other. We love and respect each other deeply. We changed those habits (things like leaving dishes out, not closing cabinets, not putting things away when I was done with them, etc)

To me, the love and respect would mitigate toward just not saying anything. Like is it really worth starting a fight over someone not closing a cabinet door?

It doesn't have to be a fight. The love and respect is what moderates the response to the request- why would you get angry at someone you love about a cabinet door? Ignoring it because you love them AND are afraid they are going to fight with you is the actual problem.

The problem is that PP is afraid of a fight? I ignore stuff all the time to avoid a fight, and for good reason. They never go well.

[Anonymous]

People do change but they change in ways that make sense and matter to them. Very few people are identical to who they were as a teenager. However expecting or asking someone to change to suit you rarely goes over well. Likely you haven’t changed either in those ways. Intention and motivation and preferences of the one asking for change and the one being asked to change matters a lot.

[Anonymous]

Instead of asking for change, try seeking a compromise. When asking for change, ask what you can do to help them. People are more motivated to change when they feel cared for and heard.

[Anonymous]

It kind of depends on whether you yourself have a personality disorder, and your request for them to change derives from unhealthy reasonings and pathologies from your own disorder. Your partner could be a great person, but because you’re afflicted with an intractable malignance, even out of your control, the idea that your partner should change or want to change could itself be an unreasonable request.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For big things or things that are part of who they are, I agree. For small things, if there is love and respect there, they will make the changes. DH and I both had habits that bothered the other. We love and respect each other deeply. We changed those habits (things like leaving dishes out, not closing cabinets, not putting things away when I was done with them, etc)

To me, the love and respect would mitigate toward just not saying anything. Like is it really worth starting a fight over someone not closing a cabinet door?

Pp here. A fight? We've literally never fought over any of this stuff. It's a simple "hey, when you're done with the vacuum cleaner can you please just put it away instead of leaving it where it was used?" (Actual quote). And then "yeah ..sorry. ". And then guess what? Next time I vacuumed I put it away!

DH is the same. If I ask him to not to something /do something....he does!

I have no idea why you would assume any of these would lead to fights or disagreements.

Yea thinking of it from the POV of the requesting spouse, asking for that would either get a dirty look or an, oh sure, but then nothing would change. So it makes more sense to just either tolerate the vaccuum being out or put it away myself. There's no point in asking someone to do something that they don't already do on their own.

Sure there is. If, for example, my husband isn't bothered by leaving the vacuum cleaner out then it wouldn't occur to him to put it away. But if it bothers me and I ask him, then he'd do it.

[Anonymous]

💯 percent agree.

[Anonymous]

This includes, for example, not being active on dating apps while in a supposedly "committed" relationship. That shouldn't be something one has to ask for.

[Anonymous]

Women are conditioned to change and adapt in the face of feedback. Men are conditioned to believe that they know better than anyone else and that any outside feedback is wrong.

I say this in the context of marriage, work, and life in general.

So I would argue that if you’re with a woman, you can reasonably expect that feedback will lead to change. If you’re with a man, good luck.