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[quote=Anonymous]Generally agree. Excerpt from an old article, the sentiments still ring true:

Keys to Happier Marriage Include Not Demanding Change From Your Spouse, Psychologists Say

In marriages, people are unlikely to change no matter how much their spouses demand it, says Andrew Christensen, professor of psychology at UCLA, whose new book on reducing marital conflict is being published this week.
 
"People cannot change their basic essence even if they try, and it is futile to demand that they do so," said Christensen, who for more than 20 years has worked with hundreds of couples in therapy. "To love and marry someone, you must accept the essence of the other person; you must accept who he or she is. You can push for change at the periphery, but not at the core. Marriage is a package deal; you don't get a line-item veto over your partner's personality where you can discard the traits you don't like."
 
All couples have conflicts, says Christensen, co-author of "Reconcilable Differences" (Guilford Press), a book that helps couples learn how to recover from arguments more quickly, reduce the number of arguments, and minimize the anger and resentment that often accompany arguments. His co-author is Neil S. Jacobson, who was professor of psychology at the University of Washington until his death last year.
 
One study by psychologists found that "incompatibility is a mathematical certainty," although early in relationships, we may not see, or pay attention to, important differences. When the differences become clear, we often have the "fantasy" that we can make our partner change.
 
"We want our partner to admit we are right and to make the changes we say are necessary," Christensen said. "We think a transformation will take place in our partner's behavior and attitude, and we even may expect to be thanked for pointing out the other person's deficiencies. Most of our efforts toward change in our partners are driven by this fantasy, and most of these efforts are unsuccessful. Eliciting change from your spouse without demonstrating acceptance of his or her position is difficult, and often impossible."
 
A solution, say Christensen and Jacobson, is to be more accepting and to see our spouse's shortcomings as "endearing, or at least easily forgivable." The best solutions to most problems, they say, involve a combination of acceptance and change. Crimes of the heart are usually misdemeanors.
 
"The crimes of the heart are usually misdemeanors, even though they sometimes feel like felonies," Christensen said.
 
Couples fight about all kinds of things, but most common are "daily slights, inattentive acts, and routine disrespects that hurt and anger us," Christensen said. For example, he shows little interest when she talks about her day.
 
"Most of the change we seek in our relationships is gradual change in everyday behavior," Christensen said. "Do more of the housework; spend more time with the kids; don't be so critical; pay more attention when I talk to you; be more ambitious at work; put more energy into our relationship."
 
We may grow to dislike in our spouses the very personality traits that attracted us in the first place, Christensen and Jacobson say.
 
"It's great, for example, to have a responsible husband who takes care of business, is punctual, neat and orderly," Christensen said. "You never have to wait for him, pick up after him, do his chores, or worry whether he'll pick up the kids on time. If he says he will do it, you know he will. But often such husbands may be rigid about following rules and inflexible. The 'tight ship' they run is rarely a pleasure cruise."
 
The way we can be annoyed by the same traits that initially attracted us is illustrated in a "Cathy" cartoon in which Cathy's mother says to her: "When you met Irving, you raved about his ambition. . When you broke up, you called him a 'self-absorbed workaholic.' When you met Alex, you gushed about his free spirit. . When you broke up, he was 'directionless and immature.'"

https://newsroom.ucla.edu/releases/Keys-to-Happier-Marriage-Include-652[/quote]

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