Caught wife of 18 years cheating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Talk to the lawyer and understand your logistical options first.

Read chumplady.com in the meantime so when you talk to your wife about her feelings you are prepared for whatever she says. Some things are more believable if you're hearing them for the first time. You need to get an accurate read on what is going on with your relationship. Nobody on here can assess that for you.

If you are completely blameless, and have a good relationship with your daughters, it will work out. However, custody logistics and battles are a mess for all concerned. I also believe that kids who can drive themselves and who have opinions on where they want to live have more ability to choose where they live.

I would recommend asking your wife to move out if your relationship is irreconcilable. Your daughters likely won't want the AP or another man in their lives in the short run-up to college. The best case in an absolute break is your wife moves out to an apartment and everything else stays the same. High school kids plus a dad can run a house. Staying in the home sends a good message if you can do it.

I'm sorry, OP. I have two female friends who got blindsided by husbands cheating when they had younger kids. They did nothing to deserve the egregious cheating they discovered. It's devastating.

Thank you for the advice.
I'm meeting with the lawyer in two weeks.
I feel really stupid because I've given up so much for this relationship. Seven years ago, we relocated from Chicago to DC so she could get better opportunities for her career as a lawyer. I even took a pay cut when we moved. Now she has an awesome job and makes more money than I do.

if in virginia you are entitled for 50% of everything earned while married. 50% of her future pension. 50% of her 401k/ira. 50% of the house.

but with a lawyer you may be able to negotiate for more. especially if you have proof of the adultery and she wants to minimize what is told to the kids.

but if she is a lawyer she may be ahead of you and already hiding assets.

look around at your friends, they will chose sides.

stay in the house at all costs and do not move out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Talk to the lawyer and understand your logistical options first.

Read chumplady.com in the meantime so when you talk to your wife about her feelings you are prepared for whatever she says. Some things are more believable if you're hearing them for the first time. You need to get an accurate read on what is going on with your relationship. Nobody on here can assess that for you.

If you are completely blameless, and have a good relationship with your daughters, it will work out. However, custody logistics and battles are a mess for all concerned. I also believe that kids who can drive themselves and who have opinions on where they want to live have more ability to choose where they live.

I would recommend asking your wife to move out if your relationship is irreconcilable. Your daughters likely won't want the AP or another man in their lives in the short run-up to college. The best case in an absolute break is your wife moves out to an apartment and everything else stays the same. High school kids plus a dad can run a house. Staying in the home sends a good message if you can do it.

I'm sorry, OP. I have two female friends who got blindsided by husbands cheating when they had younger kids. They did nothing to deserve the egregious cheating they discovered. It's devastating.

Thank you for the advice.
I'm meeting with the lawyer in two weeks.
I feel really stupid because I've given up so much for this relationship. Seven years ago, we relocated from Chicago to DC so she could get better opportunities for her career as a lawyer. I even took a pay cut when we moved. Now she has an awesome job and makes more money than I do.

OK, so you can maybe get alimony and keep the house and kids.

Do not have any ugly confrontation before you have talked to the lawyer. For one thing, once this is discussed openly, there will need to be next steps. And the emotional spillover will start impacting the kids because it will be out in the open.

It's the end of the school year. Your kids may be studying for finals, have proms, etc.

Limp this quietly along for a few weeks. You'll be glad later.

Your kids are more important than money or career. Just keep your focus. Your goal should be maintaining a home with them, and that means your current house is the best choice for them. I feel the cheater should move. I also think the kids should know why, at the right time. This will blindside them as well but keeping silent will not protect anyone and would teach weird life lessons about honesty and how to break up with a partner.

[Anonymous]

Good for you OP - ask for alimony

[Anonymous]

Push for a quicker appointment with another attorney.

[Anonymous]

It's probably your fault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Talk to the lawyer and understand your logistical options first.

Read chumplady.com in the meantime so when you talk to your wife about her feelings you are prepared for whatever she says. Some things are more believable if you're hearing them for the first time. You need to get an accurate read on what is going on with your relationship. Nobody on here can assess that for you.

If you are completely blameless, and have a good relationship with your daughters, it will work out. However, custody logistics and battles are a mess for all concerned. I also believe that kids who can drive themselves and who have opinions on where they want to live have more ability to choose where they live.

I would recommend asking your wife to move out if your relationship is irreconcilable. Your daughters likely won't want the AP or another man in their lives in the short run-up to college. The best case in an absolute break is your wife moves out to an apartment and everything else stays the same. High school kids plus a dad can run a house. Staying in the home sends a good message if you can do it.

I'm sorry, OP. I have two female friends who got blindsided by husbands cheating when they had younger kids. They did nothing to deserve the egregious cheating they discovered. It's devastating.

Thank you for the advice.
I'm meeting with the lawyer in two weeks.
I feel really stupid because I've given up so much for this relationship. Seven years ago, we relocated from Chicago to DC so she could get better opportunities for her career as a lawyer. I even took a pay cut when we moved. Now she has an awesome job and makes more money than I do.

Terribly sorry to hear this. You being this beta could have drawn her to other men. I m of the opinion that divorce is not worth it in most situations especially if the kids are involved, however adultry is unacceptable.

[Anonymous]

Get a lawyer faster. You can always change but you need an advocate now especially since she's an attorney. Say nothing until you meet with lawyer. You might want lawyer to set up meeting with her so you have witness.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry she did this to you, my brother. Move ASAP to retain a good lawyer. In your posts, you mention she is a lawyer as well.

This is important since she likely has an exit plan regarding a potential divorce. When you meet with your lawyer:

1) Develop what you think is a fair split for your property, how you two can pay for college for your girls, etc. You will need this when either A) you confront her, or B) she confronts you once she knows you are on to her.
2) Find out how important gathering additional evidence of the affair is to your case. If you do need more evidence, let a professional handle it. You can go down a rabbit hole and look at texts between her and her AP, photos she sent him, places they went (and when), etc. None of that data helps you; looking for it can tip her off that you know before you are ready for her to know.
3) Get a good therapist. A therapist can help you (and your daughters) get back on your feet and start healing immediately.
4) Do not try to get beyond this betrayal. Most (if not all) men find that a clean break is best. Giving her a second (or third..) chance hurts you and sets a bad example for your daughters.
5) Remember that she made the mistake. When you confront her and she asks what she can do to make it up to you, tell her she needs to be fair to you and the kids. If they want to stay with you (or if they want more time with you than 50/50), she needs to respect, understand, and support their wishes.

Believe it or not, this is the best thing that could have happened given the circumstances. You can find someone much better and get rid of someone who is bringing evil to your house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just recently caught my wife of 18 years cheating. She does not know that I know.

The way I found out was by unintentionally overhearing her phone conversation with him. I was driving her car, and once I arrived home and pulled into the garage, her phone, which is synced to her car via Bluetooth, transferred the call to the car's audio system. That's how I heard him speaking. It was clear they are lovers. I turned off the car in under a minute. I doubt she was aware of what had occurred.

When I entered the house, she had already hung up. I asked her what she was up to, and she replied that she was chatting with her mom. What a lie.

This really sucks. We have three teenage daughters in HS. They mean the absolute world to me. That is what is going to hurt the most. I don't want to put them through this and I don't want to lose them. They will be crushed. I literally do everything for them, so I think they would want to live with me if given a choice.

I have reached out to a local divorce lawyer for a consultation.
I want to confront her so bad, but I have not yet. She keeps asking if I'm ok, and saying that I seem off. Should I hold off until I speak to my lawyer?

I am still processing all of this. Seems like a bad dream.

If you are in Virginia and have a disparity in income, consult an attorney and hire a PI to document the affair. You might be able to avoid spousal support if you can prove it with evidence (or leverage a favorable settlement).

Don’t let the marriage get to 20 years or you could be on the hook for lifetime alimony (again, assuming a disparity in income).

This is only pertinent to Virginia (and some other states outside the DMV).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you want to save the marriage?

I don't know. It hurts. I would never be able to forgive her.

Yeah. She’s a whore. Dump her. But proceed carefully and strategically.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry she did this to you, my brother. Move ASAP to retain a good lawyer. In your posts, you mention she is a lawyer as well.

This is important since she likely has an exit plan regarding a potential divorce. When you meet with your lawyer:

1) Develop what you think is a fair split for your property, how you two can pay for college for your girls, etc. You will need this when either A) you confront her, or B) she confronts you once she knows you are on to her.
2) Find out how important gathering additional evidence of the affair is to your case. If you do need more evidence, let a professional handle it. You can go down a rabbit hole and look at texts between her and her AP, photos she sent him, places they went (and when), etc. None of that data helps you; looking for it can tip her off that you know before you are ready for her to know.
3) Get a good therapist. A therapist can help you (and your daughters) get back on your feet and start healing immediately.
4) Do not try to get beyond this betrayal. Most (if not all) men find that a clean break is best. Giving her a second (or third..) chance hurts you and sets a bad example for your daughters.
5) Remember that she made the mistake. When you confront her and she asks what she can do to make it up to you, tell her she needs to be fair to you and the kids. If they want to stay with you (or if they want more time with you than 50/50), she needs to respect, understand, and support their wishes.

[/b]Believe it or not, this is the best thing that could have happened given the circumstances. You can find someone much better and get rid of someone who is bringing evil to your house.[b]

OP - it will take time to come to the realization but this is great advice. There is brighter future once you’ve dealt with untangling from the cheating spouse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you want to save the marriage?

I don't know. It hurts. I would never be able to forgive her.

Maybe if you know the reasons forgiveness is possible, if you want it.

I cheated on my husband, for over 10 years with another married man, BUT at no time did I actually ever want to leave my husband. This was from about year 15 to 25 in our marriage. My lover gave me attentions my husband never has so I enjoyed that. And I also loved my husband throughout, but differently. I won't give all my reasons here, but if my husband had confronted me I would have stopped things immediately as breaking up my family is something I never would have wanted to do. It would have killed my one child who always broke into tears when the husband and I did fight. She's in her 30s and would still be devasted if we split. We've been married long enough now, we rarely fight any more.
Years out now, I miss my lover and we still sometimes message each other on Facebook, but I'm in my 60s and he's 70 and life is just different now. I joke that even if my husband died tomorrow, i never want to date again...cuz old men are creepy (so are old women...egad that's me!).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you want to save the marriage?

I don't know. It hurts. I would never be able to forgive her.

Maybe if you know the reasons forgiveness is possible, if you want it.

I cheated on my husband, for over 10 years with another married man, BUT at no time did I actually ever want to leave my husband. This was from about year 15 to 25 in our marriage. My lover gave me attentions my husband never has so I enjoyed that. And I also loved my husband throughout, but differently. I won't give all my reasons here, but if my husband had confronted me I would have stopped things immediately as breaking up my family is something I never would have wanted to do. It would have killed my one child who always broke into tears when the husband and I did fight. She's in her 30s and would still be devasted if we split. We've been married long enough now, we rarely fight any more.
Years out now, I miss my lover and we still sometimes message each other on Facebook, but I'm in my 60s and he's 70 and life is just different now. I joke that even if my husband died tomorrow, i never want to date again...cuz old men are creepy (so are old women...egad that's me!).

This is really not what OP needs to hear at the moment. Seriously read the room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you want to save the marriage?

I don't know. It hurts. I would never be able to forgive her.

Maybe if you know the reasons forgiveness is possible, if you want it.

I cheated on my husband, for over 10 years with another married man, BUT at no time did I actually ever want to leave my husband. This was from about year 15 to 25 in our marriage. My lover gave me attentions my husband never has so I enjoyed that. And I also loved my husband throughout, but differently. I won't give all my reasons here, but if my husband had confronted me I would have stopped things immediately as breaking up my family is something I never would have wanted to do. It would have killed my one child who always broke into tears when the husband and I did fight. She's in her 30s and would still be devasted if we split. We've been married long enough now, we rarely fight any more.
Years out now, I miss my lover and we still sometimes message each other on Facebook, but I'm in my 60s and he's 70 and life is just different now. I joke that even if my husband died tomorrow, i never want to date again...cuz old men are creepy (so are old women...egad that's me!).

I get that you're trying to share your reality to help OP. But it was selfish behavior and most likely not what your husband would have agreed to/not the vows you made. People who want more than what marriage provides shouldn't get married/stay married unless their spouse knows what is going on and agrees.

I personally think it's possible to love someone, be in a long term relationship with someone, stay with them, and not forgive their cheating and never trust them fully. So if OP wants to do that, it's do-able. Many of the great women of history were in that boat. And a lot of today's political families and celebrities.

That said, a blindsided spouse needs time to decide for themselves what is unforgivable and how much trust is necessary to have a relationship.

Also repeat cheating is an obvious risk. The reason people are so virulent about cheating is you can never 100% trust a cheater's promises again. There's just a sliding scale of likelihood to keep them. And a sliding scale of concern about whether they are kept.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you want to save the marriage?

I don't know. It hurts. I would never be able to forgive her.

Maybe if you know the reasons forgiveness is possible, if you want it.

I cheated on my husband, for over 10 years with another married man, BUT at no time did I actually ever want to leave my husband. This was from about year 15 to 25 in our marriage. My lover gave me attentions my husband never has so I enjoyed that. And I also loved my husband throughout, but differently. I won't give all my reasons here, but if my husband had confronted me I would have stopped things immediately as breaking up my family is something I never would have wanted to do. It would have killed my one child who always broke into tears when the husband and I did fight. She's in her 30s and would still be devasted if we split. We've been married long enough now, we rarely fight any more.
Years out now, I miss my lover and we still sometimes message each other on Facebook, but I'm in my 60s and he's 70 and life is just different now. I joke that even if my husband died tomorrow, i never want to date again...cuz old men are creepy (so are old women...egad that's me!).

This is really not what OP needs to hear at the moment. Seriously read the room.

yeah, it's a bunch of men giving their opinion...I'm trying to give an opinion of what a wife may be thinking