Caught wife of 18 years cheating.

[Anonymous]

So she’s an attorney eh? Better make sure you got all your facts straight. She could be seven steps ahead already. Do not let yourself get gaslit!

[Anonymous]

Ouch, I am so sorry that you found out about your wife’s infidelity the way you did.
I personally do not think I could hide the fact that I knew the way that you did.

You can confront your wife.
Perhaps this will make things a little less complicated if you clear the air - by letting her know that you are now aware of her betrayal + that you have known about it.

Yes, divorce will affect your kids but so will sharing a roof w/two parents whose marriage has been shattered like yours has.
Kids are resilient > they truly are and they will get through it if you choose to divorce your wife.

Whatever you do, I wish only the best for you + your kids moving forward. 👍🏽

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m so sorry OP. If you have it in you, consider that she is also suffering deeply and possibly has been for a while—not because of anything you did but because she didn’t know what to do. I know I will get flamed for saying this but it’s the truth. She probably loves you and the family very much and agonizes over the future. I really wish I didn’t have the life experience to understand this, and I was certainly once in the camp most DCUM posters rightly belong to, and who will tell you that only a selfish person can do something like this.

I have no idea whether you two can start over but I don’t think the adage “once a cheater, always a cheater” is true, certainly not always.

Wishing your whole family a way out of this with as little pain as possible.

WTF. You think the wife is suffering deeply having an affair??

Yes! Multiple things and feelings can be true at once. Apply the analysis to all of the crazy or unwise or dumb or mean small decisions that you make regularly. Then multiply it out to this colossally bad decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m so sorry OP. If you have it in you, consider that she is also suffering deeply and possibly has been for a while—not because of anything you did but because she didn’t know what to do. I know I will get flamed for saying this but it’s the truth. She probably loves you and the family very much and agonizes over the future. I really wish I didn’t have the life experience to understand this, and I was certainly once in the camp most DCUM posters rightly belong to, and who will tell you that only a selfish person can do something like this.

I have no idea whether you two can start over but I don’t think the adage “once a cheater, always a cheater” is true, certainly not always.

Wishing your whole family a way out of this with as little pain as possible.

WTF. You think the wife is suffering deeply having an affair??

Yes! Multiple things and feelings can be true at once. Apply the analysis to all of the crazy or unwise or dumb or mean small decisions that you make regularly. Then multiply it out to this colossally bad decision.

Yep! She's probably mourning all of the things her DH did that pushed her into the affair, wishing her DH had made different choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When the call transfered to the car it probably interrupted what she could hear, I think. Not that she knows you know, but she may be worried.

+1

I've had the same thing happen and the call can only be on one device at a time. So if it connected to your car then it disconnected from her phone...

[Anonymous]

Poor kids.
We expect resilience from them when nothing seems so resilient (not even bedrock principles of governance) anymore.
Kids aren’t as resilient as we think.
I know this isn’t helpful.

[Anonymous]

My cheating ex started asking if everything was ok when I stopped responding right away to his texts about life as usual. I wasn't ready to reveal that I knew what was going on and I did like making him squirm. "all good - [thumbs up emoji]" went on for a few months.

[Anonymous]

Nobody has said it yet but, OP, don’t forget to get tested for STI.

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand why people are advising hiring a PI. It won’t help in the divorce. Is it the PI lobby on here? I think that’s only helpful if you’re not sure if they are cheating. This OP seems pretty sure.

I think there are circumstances where things can work out, if the cheater does the work to change the underlying problems, which are often insecurity—it’s an easy ego high to feel wanted by someone. If you’ve been married 18 years hopefully you have some sense of what makes her tick and if she’s just a narcissist generally, or whether this is a weird mid life crisis or what. I’m guessing you can’t pull the phone records if she is a firm or govt lawyer as she may have a work issued phone.

[Anonymous]

I hired a PI. Otherwise it’s just my word against his. Why WOULDN’T you want proof?

And confronting is only what you do after you have everything you need in case of divorce. Otherwise you’ve just tipped your hand and let your ex know to start hiding things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Troll or not, this shit happens to people and is worthy of discussion.

I know a couple where the wife cheated about year twenty to twenty five of their marriage, the kids were little. He discovered it, she ended it, they just celebrated 50 years together.

Everything doesn't happen the way many of you are so sure it does. Some men do forgive and not want to end their marriages. Some women who cheat really do love their husbands and family despite their reasons for cheating. Not all cheaters of either gender are selfish narcissistic a$$holes as many of you seem to think.

The reason there are so many black and white answers here is because it makes people scared to think this could happen to them and they'd like to think there is a formula that applies to every situation where they had no role in the situation other than as victim.

I think it's valuable for OP and anyone else dealing with cheating to see many different perspectives so maybe stop attacking those who don't agree with you and let the cheated on person take what speaks to them and get through their situation the best they can under their individual and unique circumstances.

Wrong. The reason there are so many "black and white" answers on this thread is because it already happened to us, and we are trying to save the OP the pain of investing more into a deficient spouse. Being alone is better than being with someone untrustworthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why people are advising hiring a PI. It won’t help in the divorce. Is it the PI lobby on here? I think that’s only helpful if you’re not sure if they are cheating. This OP seems pretty sure.

I think there are circumstances where things can work out, if the cheater does the work to change the underlying problems, which are often insecurity—it’s an easy ego high to feel wanted by someone. If you’ve been married 18 years hopefully you have some sense of what makes her tick and if she’s just a narcissist generally, or whether this is a weird mid life crisis or what. I’m guessing you can’t pull the phone records if she is a firm or govt lawyer as she may have a work issued phone.

Well, there is some value in knowing what is really going on. People who get caught having affairs tend to lie and then go to ground, so having some evidence of the truth can make things easier. If it were me, I’d want to know as much as I could before confronting, and I don’t think a PI is all that expensive in the grand scheme of things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Wrong. The reason there are so many "black and white" answers on this thread is because it already happened to us, and we are trying to save the OP the pain of investing more into a deficient spouse. Being alone is better than being with someone untrustworthy.

+1 - been there, done that

I’m not saying it’s 100% black or white, and reconciliation IS the right path for some

However, i AM saying that, as a good parent, the right thing to do is to have solid proof, consult with 2+ attorneys, make sure you have every file or a piece of evidence you could want and THEN make your next move.

If you want to protect your children, the best thing you can do is to make sure you have all the information available and at hands to move forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you want to save the marriage?

I don't know. It hurts. I would never be able to forgive her.

I'm so sorry OP. This must be soul crushing.

Staying in the marriage is absolutely an option if you wish, I have seen it work. I would assume once confronted, most wives would quit cheating, but husband cheaters not so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you want to save the marriage?

I don't know. It hurts. I would never be able to forgive her.

I'm so sorry OP. This must be soul crushing.

Staying in the marriage is absolutely an option if you wish, I have seen it work. I would assume once confronted, most wives would quit cheating, but husband cheaters not so much.

Umm. No. Women cheaters can be worse. I know several caught more than once.